15 Guys Share Their Best Advice To Men Considering Marriage
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Marriage is work.
Marriage isn’t something that people should enter into lightly, but that doesn’t stop a lot of people, hence the divorce rate being what it is. Frankly, unless you’ve actually been married, it’s hard to know a great deal of marriage advice, or how it really works.
I’ve spoken to many of female friends who are married about the experience of making a marriage work, of seeing how the reality of marriage can differ from your expectations going in. They never held back, and I learned some important nuggets of information that I’ll save should I ever tie the knot (gag me, no disrespect).
But it’s not a subject I have ever broached before with my male friends who are married. Probably because, by and large, if I were to ask what men think and task them to describe how they make marriage work, they would give me the hairy eyeball and ask if I was drunk. The truth of the matter is that whatever they might want you to think, men definitely have their own opinions about marriage.
Ask any man you know if he had any idea what marriage advice he would give a young couple considering marriage, and he’ll emphatically holler “yes,” and the men of Reddit’s AskMen subforum have written it all down for your edification. Here are the best tips they have to give for other men considering marriage.
1. Date each other.
“‘Don’t stop dating your wife,’ said Chris Rock. Just because there’s a ring on the finger doesn’t mean you stop planning nights out together.”
2. Know why you’re together in the first place.
“You better know why you’re marrying her, and it better not be ‘because you think you should’ or ‘well, everyone else thinks it’s time.’ You better know how to have deep, meaningful conversations with her. You better know how to fight with your spouse. You’re going to have disagreements and you best know how to handle them without it turning into a war. You better know how to live together. You better know how to play together. You better know how to get away from each other.
You better both be on the same page when it comes to kids, finances, sex, and religion. (On that last one that doesn’t mean you have to be the same faith, but if you’re different faiths or mismatched theist/atheist, you better be cool with how the other person feels). You better be wanting her to have what makes her happy (and she should want you to have what makes you happy).”
3. Only get married when the time is right.
“If you are in ANY way, shape or form doing it because you think time’s running out, you hate being single, you think you wont get another girl, don’t do it. I know so many women, and to a lesser degree men, that marry because they’re scared of the unknown alternative.”
4. Remember that nobody’s perfect.
“Try to judge things on a more objective standard. Also remember nobody is ever going to be 100 percent perfect. If you’ve found someone who’s objectively good for you, shares your values, wants to live the same kind of life, is physically compatible, and deeply committed, that’s what counts. The idea that there’s ‘one’ person out there for us also devalues existing relationships.”
5. Know that things happen.
“If your life is crap before you get married, it will be crap after you get married. Get your crap together, be happy, and only then will your perfect mate will come.”
6. Look at problems differently.
“It’s really important to have the emotional vocabulary that will let you talk about problems in and around the marriage. Often, ‘problems’ are opportunities in disguise — e.g. You have a misunderstanding and you can some out of it better understanding the other person’s perspective, and knowing them better.”
7. Pick your battles.
“Not everything is worth fighting about. There’s more give than take in a successful marriage, by each party. She won’t get mad at you for wanting to go play golf on Sunday morning and you don’t yell at her for leaving clothes on every horizontal surface. Marriage isn’t a game of perfect, it’s an ongoing process of makes choices to make everyone the least unhappy most of the time and sometimes ecstatically happy.
Learn to cook, and learn to cook well. Then do it, a lot. Clean the toilets. Do the dishes. Don’t brag about doing either task. You don’t have to do everything together. You’ll both need time apart. Different hobbies are okay. Kiss her everyday like she’s the most important thing in the world. She is.”
8. Know the math.
“Only works if you both do this: give 60, expect 40. If you both can keep that attitude, you will have a fantastic marriage. Don’t be with someone who is mean or who talks down to you. I’ve been married 16 years to a awesome woman, but all our friends are married couples for the most part. Great to us but almost everyone has a spouse who talks down to the other spouse. It’s one of those things that just picks at you and picks at you and causes resentment. Don’t put up with that. Ever.”
9. Understand that marriage isn’t about winning.
“When/if the arguing gets serious, remind yourself that there’s no ‘winning’ against someone you truly love.”
10. Don’t let yourself go.
“Use marriage as a reason to get in better shape, dress better, pay more attention to your appearance in general. Do not use it as an excuse to let yourself go.”
11. Learn about the two types of disagreements.
“Don’t sweat the little things. If something isn’t worth getting divorced over, it’s not worth fighting about. You can disagree, but if you can’t disagree without fighting, one or both of you are too immature to be married. Remember there are two types of disagreements. One that can be worked out and one that can’t. The ones that can be worked out can only be worked out rationally and calmly. And the ones that can’t be worked out won’t be worked out either way. So why fight, ever?”
12. Know what your vows mean.
“‘Through better or worse’ means everything. I have a friend whose wife cheated on him for years. He never thought of divorce and we would rag on him. He said, ‘I can’t control her anymore than I can control the weather.’ Come to find out he was wrong. She eventually filed for divorce from him because she wanted to marry some rich guy she met in New York. My buddy refused to sign the papers for years. Until she came back to Alabama and rekindled their love. Now, they go down to that beach where it all began every summer with their kids.”
13. Take your time.
“Date a while, live together first, then decide if you wanna marry her. A lot of couples hate each other or do a 180 after moving in together, so if you haven’t yet, avoid getting married to them.”
14. Love is key.
“While not married myself, I can tell you some marriage advice from watching my parents’ marriage fall apart. Never change. Be the same person today that you were when you exchanged phone numbers. Be willing and eager to listen. Take a deep breath every now and then. Be a team. If things start to get stale, go travel, surprise them, be spontaneous. Never stop loving.”
15. Overcome your dislikes.
“If you can’t name ten things about her that you don’t like, then you don’t know her well enough.”
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the love and dating advice show, Becca After Dark, on YourTango’s Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:15 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.
