Relationships Talk

Not all men are scared of smart women.

When it comes to love and dating, sometimes what we say and what we actually wind up doing can wind up being two totally different things. Human beings, aren’t we such stinking enigmas?

Take for example what men think about smart women. If you ask a man how he feels about dating a smart woman, he’s probably going to say something along the lines of “sure, I don’t care,” when the truth is that while men might talk a big game about loving with a woman with a gigantic brain, it actually… can make a lot of guys feel pretty damn insecure. 

RELATED: The Sad Reason Why Smart Women Stay Single For Much Longer

Is this dating advice for men ridiculous? Oh, absolutely. Do I blame the patriarchy? Oh, even more absolutely. But do I think that’s the only thing to blame for this disparity between what men say and what they actually do when it comes to their love lives? No way.

Part of the reason why men may not actually make a move on forming a relationship with a highly intelligent woman is because men might just be wired to think they have a responsibility to provide for their partners. Obviously because it’s not exactly a feminist ideal, men aren’t exactly champing at the bit to share their feelings about the subject either.

But I knew there was one place on the internet where men would feel free to talk openly about their feelings about dating smart women: the AskMen subreddit! The men there had no problem opening up about how they feel when they aren’t the smartest person in their bedroom, and while some of them walked the line, others weren’t scared to really tell it how it is.

1. Intelligence doesn’t make someone socially awkward.

“I dated a biologist last year. Literally the smartest girl I’ve ever dated. She’s currently working on a cure for pneumonia on HIV patients. She was fun. I don’t think her intelligence made her socially awkward or anything.”

2. It’s about a balance. 

“Dating someone smarter than me sounds 1,000 times better than dating someone dumber than me. Dating someone who is roughly as smart as I am, I think, would be ideal.”

3. It’s awesome!

“I liked it a lot. Given that I am in medical school, I find people who go into academics purely for the sake of knowledge and learning impressive. Also, we know PhDs don’t make that much, so I guess in my mind it makes it more of a ‘devotional’ quest? My ex was doing her PhD, also I asked her for science and math help through all of college, and I adored how fast and concise she could explain things to me.”

4. It’s very attractive.

“I think it’s pretty sexy, and I have a thing for academics. A girl that can knockout the Friday NYT crossword? Rawr.”

5. I have to be able to offer something.

“Smarter? No problem. Smarter, more educated, and more financially well off? It’s a problem. I have to feel like I’m bringing something to the table besides good looks.”

6. It depends on what kind of smart. 

“If you can think critically and are engaged in your experience of the world and know how to properly reflect on that, then that’s a baseline level of intellect that I can get with. If you’re just a walking encyclopedia of random Wikipedia facts and you think you’re smarter than me for it, then I’ll pass.”

7. It’s not smarts, it’s different interests.

“I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who is noticeably smarter or dumber than I am. A lot of people have different interests though, some people are interested in intellectual things and some people aren’t, but that’s not the same thing as being intelligent.”

8. Just don’t be a jerk about it. 

“Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, just don’t lord it over me.”

9. Manners are important. 

“Nothing wrong with that. I recognized there are gaps in my personality/intelligence so not a big deal if my partner can fill those gaps in. She’s not a jerk about either, so we’re good.”

10. We help each other. 

“My girlfriend is way smarter in only an academic sense. And that’s totally cool with me. She’s horrible at math and she’s impressed with most things I do so it’s a decent balance.”

11. Hostile brains? No thanks. 

“Depends if they are confrontational about it or not.”

RELATED: Science Confirms Men Are Petrified Of Smart Women

12. Smart is good, but not arrogant.

“I haven’t had any experience with a girl who’s noticeably smarter than me, but I have experienced the dumb ones and I’m pretty sure I’d take the smarter girls any day of the week. Nothing is worse than having a conversation with your girl and she says something you know for a fact is false but you don’t want to hurt her feeling so you just kind of agree. Depending on the situation I would still call her out as being blatantly wrong though.”

13. It’s a good kind of intimidating.

“Maybe a tad intimidated, but in a good way.”

14. Smart is different than wise. 

“My wife is definitely smarter than me. She’s a teacher and has a Master’s degree. I think I’m wiser than she is though. I’ve had a lot more varied life experiences and have had more to struggle against than she did. She’s got the school smarts and I have the street smarts. It works well for us.”

15. For a relationship, brains are a must.

“I’m an intellectual, so high intelligence in my partner is a must if we’re talking serious relationships. I’m not threatened by a woman being ‘smarter’ than I am. In fact, I prefer it, because I always want to be in a position where I can learn something from the people closest to me. But for FWB relationships, intelligence or lack thereof is a complete non-factor. I care mostly about physical assets in that case.”

16. It’s a major turn-on.

“Sign me up. Intelligence is sexy as hell.”

17. It makes me want her more.

“I used to have lunch with a colleague, and one day I randomly read out the quiz section from the daily newspaper and she nonchalantly answered everything. Had the whole face resting on one hand, other hand playing with her food. Thought it was so sexy. I asked her out the next day but she wasn’t interested. Some of these questions were crazy hard that covered chemistry, history, astrology, movies, social culture and animals.”

18. As long as she isn’t cocky.

“I think people who are arrogant or look down on other people are a problem. Otherwise, there’s no upper limit for brains in a partner. Also, as I get older I realize that there are different types of intelligence. I am smarter than my wife in some ways/areas. She is smarter than me in some ways/areas.”

19. It’s too difficult.

“I’ve dated intelligent women. Just makes for a SO that is uncompromising and tedious.”

20. Nah, it’s tiresome. 

“I haven’t dated anyone that I felt was like astronomically more intelligent, but honestly, with the girls I’d consider at least equal or possibly smarter it was always this tiresome competition to show that they’re as smart or smarter than I am.”

21. Brains don’t scare me. 

“Currently dating a molecular biologist and while she is extremely smart in academic areas, she is completely lost in other fields which I have an interest in. She barely knows how to use a hammer or have got barely any history knowledge. So yeah, I am not intimidated at all.”

RELATED: 5 Ways Smart, Savvy, Empowered Women Date Very Differently

Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the love and dating advice show, Becca After Dark, on YourTango’s Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:15 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.