Relationships Talk

I asked if there was going to be a rehearsal dinner. Jean said yes, but because I opted not to stay at the camp, I was not included.

I told her that out of town guests are invited to the dinner. I said, “I’m hurt by this. Could we talk about it?” She got mad and told me that it was too late to talk about it, and that I was being “nasty” by “lecturing” her.

I apologized. She was cordial, but distant to me at the wedding.

Later, I got an email telling me how hurt she was, and how she’s afraid to speak her mind to me, because she’s afraid of my anger.

She brought up an occasion when she claims I yelled at her in front of her son and my kids, which I could not remember. She says that what happened before the wedding is “done” — but it’s not done for me. I drove more than 700 miles to attend, apologized for what I said, learned that she’s always been afraid of telling me her true feelings, and now, in her mind, “what’s done is done.”

I say that friends should be able to talk things out. I want an apology and I want to have my hurt feelings recognized too. Upset Friend

Dear Upset: You are not owed an apology. You rudely insinuated that your friend had an obligation to invite you to her son’s rehearsal dinner, she didn’t, and when she was honest in her reaction and also later in her description and feelings about your dynamic, you blamed her for that, too.

You’ve had your candid conversation.

Thank her for her honesty, use it to review your own behavior and expectations, and look for ways to get on a firmer footing moving forward.

Dear Amy: “Worried Aunt” was concerned about her niece, who was marrying a man with whom she was in a stalemate.

I appreciated your idea that the aunt could respond to this by suggesting pre-marital counseling. My former fiance and I broke up during ours. Happy Now

Dear Happy: The stress of wedding planning reveals fissures in relationships. Counseling can help to create paths of communication — or lead to a timely parting.