Relationships Talk

Happy $^%& birthday.

I am so sorry she treated you that way, and it shaped you so, and you still carry it with you. It’s just not right and no apology will give you back those years.

Was her message at full length as flippant is you suggest with your summary? Because that would be insult to injury. Maybe let it sit for a while–leave it to soak–before you decide anything, and then read it again to see whether the words are more potentially healing than they seemed at first. A few days from now at least. See if anything softens.

Whatever you come to then will have a higher ratio of logic to emotion, and therefore will be more likely to represent who you are now instead of the angry, wounded kid you were then. Not to say that kid hasn’t earned a chance to yell–but I think you’ll be more satisfied by the exchange if it’s really you talking.

If it helps, the silence she’ll hear as you figure this out won’t be “let[ting] her off the hook”–if anything, it’ll leave her to twist. Not that I recommend you do that to her on purpose, just that I don’t think you do her any favors by not responding right away/not responding at all.

Full disclosure, my hope is that, given a few days to turn this over in your mind, you’ll find enough sincere remorse in the note to justify talking to this person directly. But if you just don’t see that, then it would make sense to exercise your prerogative not to respond and to make peace with her in your own way.