Relationships Talk

WASHINGTON (AP) — For Trump supporters looking for love, Washington, D.C., can be an unfriendly place, the founder of a new dating app for conservatives says.

Christy Edwards Lawton, the woman behind the app Righter, said Trump staffers have told her they get rejected again and again on most dating apps. “If you voted for Trump, swipe left” pops up on profiles.

Lawton said D.C. Trump supporters regularly tell her that when they go on internet dates in a city where just 4 percent of residents voted for the president, they’re sometimes nervous about discussing politics.

“There’s been a fear and trepidation when you actually do meet of, ‘When do I tell them I voted for Trump?’” Lawton said.

To help single Trump supporters find partners with “conservative, Christian and American values,” Righter launched this week.

Lawton, a Jackson Hole, Wyoming, resident originally from Los Angeles, said she conceived of the app last year after a conversation she had with a “model-beautiful” woman at a party in Manhattan. The woman said she thought she couldn’t find a boyfriend in New York because she’s a Republican, Lawton said.

With 10 years experience as a professional matchmaker, Lawton said she realized she could help.

Righter is designed for people looking for serious, monogamous relationships. The company urges “gentlemen to act like gentlemen” and “ladies to act like ladies.”

In an interview Thursday, Lawton pushed back against the notion that she would sue liberals who used the app, as The Daily Beast reported that she said. Rather, she said the app has a “three strikes and you’re out” policy regarding harassment of any kind.

The app is free, but there are paid premium options. A Luxe upgrade for $9.99 per month gives a user unlimited “likes” and special “MAGA likes” to show someone you’re especially interested. Veterans get the Luxe upgrade for free.

For $29.99 per month, members get access to Righter Medical, where they can get confidential online medical advice from doctors. Lawton said men have expressed particular interest in having an easy way to ask questions about sexual performance and more.

A number of young conservatives told Washingtonian earlier this year that dating across party lines in D.C. was a struggle. A reporter for a conservative media company told the magazine he took a woman home and she bolted after checking out his bookshelf.

“She was like, ‘Oh no. First question: Did you vote for Trump?’,” the reporter said. He told her he did not but that he was conservative. “She was like ‘I have to get out of here. I can’t see you,’ and left.”

When Lawton was asked if she believed in love across party lines, she wasn’t so sure.

Ten years ago, when she first met the man who is now her husband, she spotted a Barack Obama bobblehead in his home.

“I am so sorry. I don’t think we can date,” she told him.

He laughed and, to her relief, told her he only had it as a joke.

Sharing the same politics with her partner was crucial, Lawton said.

“For me it’s an ideology, a philosophy,” she said.

Copyright © 2018 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, written or redistributed.

Updated 11 hours ago

D ear Carolyn:

Is it advisable for a never-married man with no kids to get involved with a single mother? I know it’s never a good idea to generalize, but the answer I hear most often is an emphatic no, for many reasons. The main one is the man will always be a lower priority than the woman’s children, and there’s also potential drama with the woman’s ex. There is also the asymmetry in life experiences of a single mother and a never-married man with no kids.

— Dating

I advise your own advice: “It’s never a good idea to generalize.”

(1) Millions of children live with their biological mother and a stepfather. Do you really think they’re an “emphatic” 0-for-millions on happiness ever after?

(2) Couples who have children, however they get there, always accept some responsibility for making that child a higher priority — than themselves, much less a partner. A minor child’s last line of defense in the world is the adult guardian. Sometimes the circumstances and the child’s needs dictate that Mom overrules Dad, Dad overrules Mom, spouse overrules spouse, or one or both parents overrule their own needs.

If your goal is to be somebody’s undisputed No. 1, then that’s valid — but then, don’t be a parent, step- or otherwise.

(3) “Amicable” and “split” do sometimes agree to be seen together in the same sentence. Some exes also are mature enough or drama-averse enough to be co-parents without dysfunction.

(4) Asymmetry happens. Do you love the mom? Do you want to be a parent to her kids? Are you humble enough to admit what you don’t know (and cough give up certainties and generalizations), invested enough to learn and flexible enough to withstand jagged ups and downs without losing your nerve? Mind? OK then.

Please know, I have zero interest in talking anyone into being a parent or stepparent. It has to be what you want, fully and freely.

•••

Dear Carolyn:

Whenever I am quiet or thinking or distracted or frustrated, my wife asks if I’m mad at her. If I say no — well, I’m not — it might become, “Why are you mad?” or “I feel like you’re mad at me.”

I feel trapped in a no-win situation. Yes, I’ve told her that. She says she knows I’m not mad, but it’s almost reflexive. Her first husband was angry all the time and quite controlling.

— Don’t Know How
to Respond

I hope she will consider therapy to retrain those reflexes. She escaped the controlling marriage, yay for her, but some ghosts came with her. Good cognitive behavioral therapy might help her spot them sooner and shoo them away.

Do recommend it to her, but choose a moment with some pleasant distance from your last, “Why are you mad?”/“I’m not mad” dance. Then say you feel bad that she has these reflexive doubts and encourage her to dismantle them.

In the meantime, or if she refuses, upgrade your communication. Instead of, “I’m not mad” — which verges on gas-lighting if she’s right that you’re out of sorts, and only wrong about the reason — give her validation and an explanation. First, generally: “It’s not you.” And then, specifics: “I am quiet because/thinking about/distracted by/frustrated over (true reason here).”

Then, where practical, recruit her as an ally: Ask her to join you for a coffee break, or read something aloud to see what she thinks, or describe your obstacle and ask for her ideas, etc. Inclusion is worth a thousand words.

•••

Dear Carolyn:

As a little girl, I asked my mother if Santa is real or fantasy, and she chose to say he really exists. A few hours later, I found out he is fantasy. I felt betrayed and never trusted my mother ever again. It did permanent harm.

When I had sons, I told them from the beginning that Santa is make-believe, and it’s nice to pretend he really exists. I think it is plain stupid to let children believe in something that is not true.

— B.

Fair enough. I was uncomfortable with it as a mom myself. But humor me: How (emotionally) smart is it to hold a lifelong grudge against someone for, at worst, a clumsy attempt to extend your childhood innocence a little bit longer? She didn’t make it all up herself just to mess with your head.

Maybe in the spirit of also-made-up Baby New Year, embrace rebirth and forgive her. In your heart if not out loud.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

By CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn: Is it advisable for a never-married man with no kids to get involved with a single mother? I know it’s never a good idea to generalize, but the answer I hear most often is an emphatic no, for many reasons. The main one is the man will always be a lower priority than the woman’s children, and there’s also potential drama with the woman’s ex. There is also the asymmetry in life experiences of a single mother and a never-married man with no kids.

— Dating

Hax: I advise your own advice: “It’s never a good idea to generalize.”

(1) Millions of children live with their biological mother and a stepfather. Do you really think they’re an “emphatic” 0-for-millions on happiness ever after?

(2) Couples who have children, however they get there, always accept some responsibility for making that child a higher priority — than themselves, much less a partner. A minor child’s last line of defense in the world is the adult guardian. Sometimes the circumstances and the child’s needs dictate that Mom overrules Dad, Dad overrules Mom, spouse overrules spouse, or one or both parents overrule their own needs. Should you become a stepfather, you might have to prioritize your stepchild’s needs over the mother’s/your wife’s. That’s parenthood.

If your goal is to be somebody’s undisputed No. 1, then that’s valid — but then, don’t be a parent, step- or otherwise.

(3) “Amicable” and “split” do sometimes agree to be seen together in the same sentence. Some exes also are mature enough or drama-averse enough to be co-parents without dysfunction.

(4) Asymmetry happens. Do you love the mom? Do you want to be a parent to her kids? Are you honorable? Are you humble enough to admit what you don’t know (and (cough) give up certainties and generalizations), invested enough to learn, and flexible enough to withstand jagged ups and downs without losing your nerve? Mind? OK then.

Please know, I have zero interest in talking anyone into being a parent or stepparent. It has to be what you want, fully and freely.

But that’s why it’s so important for you to think it through carefully, and choose. What you “hear” only counts if you’re just looking for an out.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 9 a.m. Pacific time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

(c) 2018, Washington Post Writers Group

WHY is it that some people have super-high self-confidence, no matter what their abilities, and yet so many of us struggle to big ourselves up at all?

“Many women downplay their success because they’re afraid their ambition will intimidate potential partners,” explains Amy Morin, psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Women Don’t Do.

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It’s important to dial down your inner critic and become your own cheerleader

“A study found that 64% of single women said they feared asking for a raise or a promotion because they would look too ambitious.”

“I think it’s a British thing to downplay your accomplishments, and women particularly don’t want to be seen as ‘too much’,” says Viv Groskop, author of Own The Room.

“We tend to judge ourselves way more harshly than we judge other people. But one of the best New Year’s resolutions anyone can set is to dial down their inner critic and become their own cheerleader.”

So here’s how to make 2019 the year of you – that’s the super-confident, swishy-haired, IDGAF you.

Working it

Alamy

Lack of self-belief isn’t just holding back your career, it’s also costing you money

We all know that person who has the whole office eating out of the palm of their hand and gets promotion after promotion. A lack of self-belief isn’t just holding back your career, it’s costing you money – UK women still earn less than men.

So how can you find Sheryl-Sandberg-esque confidence?

Ask for more: “Men are four times more likely than women to ask for a pay rise – and when women do ask, we typically request 30% less than men do,” says Linda Babcock, co-author of Women Don’t Ask.

“When you’re going for a raise, stick to facts. Rather than: ‘I’m the best manager the company has ever had,’ try concrete examples like: ‘I’ve doubled sales over the past year.’”

Stop apologising: “Women in particular have a tendency to qualify their emails with hesitant words such as ‘just or ‘sorry’, undermining their ideas,” says Amy.

Getty – Contributor

Download Gmail plug-in Just Not Sorry which will highlight your uncertain language

“Studies by the University of Waterloo in Ontario found that while men are as willing as women to apologise, they had a higher threshold for what they felt they needed to apologise for.”

Download the Gmail plug-in Just Not Sorry, which highlights when you use uncertain language – it’s like a spell check for sorries.

Be a movie star: “Film yourself giving a presentation or talking for two minutes,” says charisma coach Richard Reid.

“Watch it back and look at your body language – are you fidgeting or do you seem relaxed and in control?

Getty – Contributor

Film yourself talking for two minutes so you can watch your body language

“Listen out for filler words such as ‘so’, ‘um’ and ‘like’ as these dilute your message and make you seem uncertain.

“Try again and if you want to say ‘um’, visualise a full stop and take a breath. Silence is powerful and short sentences are easier for a listener.”

Social scene

Getty – Contributor

It’s important to remember that even confident people find socialising hard sometimes

We’d all love to be able to work the room, chatting away with ease.

But what if you’re hovering by the door and on your phone because, actually, small talk gives you big fear?

Get grounded: “The important thing to remember about social situations is that even confident people find them hard,” says Viv.

“Stand with your shoulders back, chest forward, feet hip-width apart with your bodyweight evenly across the soles of your feet. This looks relaxed and warm, and the effort of doing it is a nice distraction.”

Be yourself: “Build trust,” says Jenn Granneman, author of The Secret Lives Of Introverts and founder of Introvertdear.com.

“At a party or event, try: ‘These heels are killing me.’ A small confession can spark conversation.”

All ears: “If you feel nervous, focus on others,” says Richard.

“A lot of people think they’re a good listener, but are often quick to rush in and empathise or put words in the speaker’s mouth, eg: ‘You must be really excited about that.’

Getty – Contributor

Remember a good conversation unfolds slowly, don’t always speak in short, sharp responses

“Try leaving a pause and see what happens.

“When we communicate on digital devices, we expect short, sharp responses, whereas a good conversation unfolds slowly.”

Heart yourself

Getty – Contributor

If you’re on a date, it’s better to express gratitude for your success instead of rattling off achievements

It is normal to talk positively about yourself on a date, but self-belief can also decide how successful you are once you’re in love. A study found confidence was one of the top traits people were looking for in a potential partner.

But how do you come across as charismatic and sexy, as opposed to arrogant and boastful?

Focus on the journey: “In a relationship or on a date, don’t just rattle off achievements,” says Amy.

“Instead, emphasise the effort you put in to get where you are and why the steps you’ve taken are important. Express gratitude for your success and don’t gloss over setbacks. We find stories of overcoming adversity very attractive – think of Steve Jobs or Oprah.”

Shake on it: “Charismatic people take up the right amount of space in a room,” says Richard. “We’re hardwired to be attracted to strength, but if someone’s too dominating we feel threatened. Think of a handshake that’s not too firm or floppy – the same goes for body language. Don’t slump, legs crossed, arms folded.

Use softer, expressive hand movements such as open palms and gestures to bring someone into your world.

Stay true: “It’s common when we want someone to like us to slip into preformative mode,” explains Amy. “While

it’s natural to want to present the best version of yourself, don’t change who you are. And know that if things don’t work out, there wasn’t something wrong with you – learn from it and move on.”