Relationships Talk

While the divorce rate in America has fluctuated between 40% and 50% over the last few decades, research shows that it’s becoming less common among young adults. However, gray divorce — older couples divorcing after long-term marriages — is actually on the rise. The divorce rate has doubled among U.S. adults over the age of 50 since the 1990s.

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Melody Brooke, who’s also a Licensed Professional Counselor with a master’s degree, said there’s one common issue she sees in the couples who visit her.

“I’m seeing a lot of affairs. What seems to happen with social media is that people have far more access to other people,” she said. “Your partner doesn’t know all the interactions you’re having, so it’s a door that’s easy to open. Even if you don’t really intend it, it can offer inroads where you don’t expect them, leading to emotional or romantic affairs.”

It’s a topic that comes up often in her private practice, but Melody focuses on the idea that couples can work through the issues at the root of problems and find common ground instead of getting divorced.

Melody said she’s found that any time a person has stepped outside of a relationship to find love, there’s a void they’re looking to fill. The goal of couples therapy is to identify where the emotional or relationship void is and determine a method for filling it.

“If you can address what the emotional or relationship void is, you can sort it out and say, ‘OK, let’s look at the precursor and why you went that route instead of addressing it with your partner and sort through it from there,’” she said.

Helping Married Clients Reconsider Getting a Divorce

Melody said she frequently meets with couples who have worked with other therapists who have told them they’re a lost cause. However, she believes that no couple is irredeemable. Sometimes, couples can turn a corner just by reading her book, aptly titled, “Oh, Wow, This Changes Everything!”

“It’s shifting your thinking about what is happening between you. Once you do that, it can change how you perceive what is going on,” she said. “I’ve had some awesome experiences with people who have anxiety or OCD. Because, many times, that is driven by negative self-talk, and they don’t understand how to shift their belief system about themselves.”

Melody helps people in her Carrollton, Texas, offices and around the world through her books.

According to Melody, how we’re raised is how we end up treating ourselves. If someone is raised in an environment where they are made to feel inadequate, they typically grow up with pre-set ideas, and they treat themselves like that the rest of their lives.

The goal of working with a therapist is to change the way you approach your life — either by changing the way you think of yourself or your approach to romantic relationships.

“It’s important to get help and sort out what happened so you can make a different choice and enter the next relationship in a different place, mentally,” she said. “That is important because you see people divorcing, remarrying,  and divorcing again and making the same mistake every time. If they could find their center and their value as a human being, they can make better choices and have a more satisfying life.”

Navigating the Online Dating Scene Often Requires Guidance

Social media has proven to be what Melody calls a “constant threat” to dating and relationships — and not just because it presents an opportunity for cheating, she explained. Sometimes, the problem is when one spouse is on social media all the time.

“That, by itself, creates distance in the relationship because it builds a wall up where you’re sitting in the same room, but you’re on Facebook and some kind of social media interaction platform and not interacting with your partner,” she said. “It’s easy to get sucked into it because it’s interesting, it’s time-consuming, it can take you out of your feelings, it can be very addictive. That has been something I’ve seen, where it’s come to a point when couples come to see me, it’s the first thing I’ll address because it’s often such a big issue for people.”

Melody recommends that couples make quality time — like at the beginning of dinner or when you first come home from work — a priority. If you want to be engaged on social media, she recommends you share what you’re looking at with your loved one so they can feel included.

If a relationship has failed, a client can come to Melody as newly single and get help to navigate the current dating scene.

“A lot of times, it’s been 20 or 30 years since they’ve been out there and things have changed an awful lot since then. I help them navigate this new world,” she said. “A lot of dating sites are filled with people trying to get money from you somehow. When people are hurting after a separation or lonely after being together with someone for a long time, they can be vulnerable to somebody who seems to connect with them emotionally and then suddenly says, ‘I’m having a rough spot can you help me out?’”

Melody helps those clients prepare for that, because, while a situation may look attractive on the surface, that doesn’t mean you should hand out money.

In the Future: More Retreats for Couples and Mature Women

Continuing her mission to help couples avoid divorce and reconnect, Melody recently held a successful couples retreat and plans to hold the one-day event every other month. These experiential workshops start with a warmup to get relaxed and comfortable before she introduces concepts from her educational models. Individual couples then take part in exercises that help integrate the ideas into the day-to-day lives.

“People can come in and completely shift how they experience their relationships,” she said. “I go through the model with them, but then I give them experiential processes through which they can experience the difference.”

In March 2019, she plans to host a new workshop called “Dancing with Flow: Designing the Second Half of Your Life.” It’s for older women who are finding themselves searching for the meaning of the next phase of life.

“Part of what I want to do is help people find their joy and find something in their life that gives them meaning.” — Melody Brooke, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

“I’m in that place myself. My kids are grown, and my parents are gone. I feel like I have a life that’s meaningful, but I talk to a lot of women who are going through a transition and don’t know what they want out of their lives,” Melody said.

Helping others find meaning in their lives motivates Melody, who loves what she’s doing. She said she’s particularly lucky because she’s seen so many people go to work every day at jobs that don’t bring them any satisfaction.

“Part of what I want to do is help people find their joy and find something in their life that gives them meaning,” she said. “Because meaning is far more important than happiness. Meaning gives you satisfaction, and when you look back at the end of your life, that’s what is more significant for you. I feel like my job has a lot of meaning.”

The world of dating can be rather confusing. We’ve all been there – you’re standing in front of a mirror in the clothes you’ve picked out for that special night days ago, but now it just doesn’t seem right. So you change. Three more times. And then you’re late.
Choosing the right place and activity for the first date can turn out to be quite a conundrum.
So many options, but what would your date love the most?
Where would you feel most comfortable?
So many questions and so little time. Just remember, not panicking is the first step to a successful and a memorable night out.

Let’s start with choosing the right clothes.
It’s a good idea to start with the outfit you’ve been most complimented on. Also, comfort is really important, you don’t want to fidget with your clothes all night since you will have more important things on your mind. Also, location matters.
Are you going to a cinema or a nightclub?
Fancy restaurant maybe?
You don’t want to wear a glamorous dress to a cinema just as you don’t want to show up wearing sweatpants to a dinner in a restaurant.
Think about where you’ll spend most of your night and base your decision on that. Oh, also, if it’s colder, be sure to wear something a bit warmer – you never know if a late night walk is in the game and you don’t want to spoil the night by insisting you go inside because you’re freezing.
Another advice is to accentuate the things you love the most about yourself. If you have great arms, wear a strapless dress. If you’re proud of your legs, wear a shorter skirt. However, too much skin can, more often than not, be a turn off so pay attention to that as you do not want to be too hot for the first date.

img source: prettylittlething.com

Guys, start with your hair and beard. Those are the first things people notice about you.
Shaving, trimming or styling the beard or hair takes up most of your time. The not-to-casual and not-to-glamorous rule applies to you as well.
Plan ahead and ask your friends for advice. Your buddies know best what looks good on you and can make the decision making process a lot faster.

img source: infoaging.org

When it comes to choosing the activity and a place for the date, there really aren’t many rules. If your date said, they would love to see “that cool new movie,” or go to a particular concert, simply surprise them with the tickets.
Choose something you both like doing. Maybe it’s going to the theater, maybe it’s simply walking all night.
Working out together can be a surprisingly fun and romantic activity. Running and sweating side by side, what’s more exciting?

img source: pinterest.com

If you enjoy being around animals, go to a zoo or an aquarium. Places like that rarely leave room for awkward silence.
Bars are often a good choice since they give you a chance just to sit and focus on each other. In that case, make sure you pick out a quieter place where you can talk peacefully without having to scream in each other faces.

Can you handle her?

While you may be attracted to an independent woman’s success or confidence, some men find dating powerful women to be a challenge.

Strong, independent women are ambitious and bold, and they know exactly what they want in life and in love.

They don’t need a man for protection, financial security, or status. They are quite capable of living alone, although they might prefer sharing their lives with a man who’s willing to her accept her and her own personal strengths and weaknesses.

They want a romantic partner they can feel close to, and with whom they can share their life.

RELATED: 13 Brutal Truths About Loving A Woman Who Likes Being On Her Own

If you’re dating or falling in love with a woman like this, know that strong women tend to be faithful to their mates, have a good sense of self, and have several friends and activities that they enjoy, which occupy their time. They likely are working toward their next career success or are happy with their job as it is.

Successful women may or may not want children, but will be clear about their decision either way. They know themselves well — like what works for them and what doesn’t. They know what makes them happy and go after it. They also manage their finances successfully on their own.

Would you be happy dating such a woman with these strong character traits?

Here are 8 pieces of dating advice for men on how to get a girlfriend by taking into account her greatest personal strengths and weakness.

1. Her need for emotional closeness.

A healthy independent woman will want an emotionally intimate relationship. You will need to do your part in that. This means that you both take responsibility for emotional intimacy in the relationship.

For example, you both reach for the other person to connect and feel close to one another.

2. Her desire for social independence.

A healthy and independent woman with good character traits will have a variety of friends, activities and possible work events.

You would need to have some of your own interests and activities to avoid relying on her busy life.

3. Your ability to trust in her fidelity.

An independent woman will spend a good portion of her time away from you. If you have been cheated on in the past or have been unfaithful yourself, then you may question whether she may be cheating. Not everyone cheats.

You need to feel comfortable with your partner and ask her about her history and if she has cheated in the past. If you are the one who has cheated, you are more likely to believe she is cheating, even if this is not the case. An independent woman may not be the right match for you.

This type of woman needs an independent and emotionally secure man to share her life. An independent woman is not going to want to deal with jealousy in a relationship. This will likely be a deal-breaker for her.

4. Her ambitious career goals.

This is a big issue to consider and absolutely shapes the relationship lifestyle. Independent women often highly value their career and may see it as equal to having a family. They may want to continue to advance their career after each child’s birth if children are in the picture. This is an important factor to know about yourself ahead of time regarding whether this fits you.

What does your picture look like? Are you going to be comfortable if she chooses to move forward in her career or even surpasses your career? What if her advancement involves a move out of state or even out of the country?

There is a big difference between having a family where the wife stays at home with the kids versus a career woman who may want it all: a career and a family. What if this means you will need to step up more often to help? Is this OK with you? Will this affect your career?

Her career may mean more to her than money. Some careers involve prestige, which may result in others respecting her career or position more than yours. Are you going to feel secure enough to handle this? Again, this is not about a challenge. It is about what will make you happy.

RELATED: 4 Things You Must Accept To Win The Heart Of An Independent Woman

5. Your comfort with her financial independence.

Again, this goes back to your sense of self and how secure you feel. Men like to feel needed and finances are often where men can exceed the woman’s financial status. An independent woman will not “need” your money to be comfortable in life.

Also, she would likely be making her own decisions about her finances. Are you going to be OK with this? And what if she makes more money than you? Are you comfortable with this?

6. Your level of self-esteem.

She will want a man who has a very secure self-esteem. She will emotionally support you, but will not want to be responsible for you feeling good about yourself. You are responsible for your own feelings of self-worth.

7. Her feelings about having children.

Having children affects your lifestyle together, and how this might affect her career, as well as yours. You both need to be in agreement about this decision because you each will be living this particular life choice. A highly independent woman may choose not to have kids, either because of her desire to focus on her career or that she does not want that lifestyle that includes having kids.

You both need to feel resolved in this decision because it could affect you for life one way or another.

8. Her relationship with family and relatives.

Some independent women enjoy making time for family, but others do not feel the need. What if your independent woman is not close to her own family and focuses on her career and her mate by choice? She may not feel drawn to family in general and does not seek out either family.

This may come from making a healthy choice rather than an avoidance of a negative family dynamic. What will this be like if you enjoy getting together with your family?

This is not a complete list of the types of personalities independent girls and women have. You may find other factors about their positive qualities to consider before choosing a healthy and independent woman to share your life.

You need to honestly evaluate these situations and questions before you commit to an independent woman, no matter how enticing her personal attributes may be.

RELATED: 4 Ways To Spoil An Independent Woman So She’ll Love You Forever

Susan Saint-Welch, LMFT, is a marriage and family psychotherapist who has been practicing in-person and online in the South Bay of the Los Angeles area for over 20 years, helping families and couples learn healthy communications skills, and guiding single men and women to get un-stuck and find the lasting love they deserve. For more, visit her website.

This article was originally published at Life and Relationships 101. Reprinted with permission from the author.

Before you give her your heart.

If you’re a man who’s ever found yourself falling for an attractive woman, only to later find out she wasn’t as beautiful on the inside as she initially seemed from outward appearances, you’re definitely not alone. One of the most important pieces of dating advice men and women tend to forget is how critical it is to make sure you know if the person you’re seeing really likes you for who, and whether or not you really know and like who they are, too.

Think about the Venus flytrap, as an example. It lures its meals with a fragrant nectar, then assesses the liveliness of its prey before trapping and consuming. It doesn’t bother keeping a potential snack if it lacks a certain energy and movement.

And while the mosquito lacks the ability to see danger and avoid ;it, a guy can learn how to spot a Venus flytrap, aka gorgeous women, from a safe distance and walk away before it’s too late!

The biggest mistake you often make about beautiful people is an automatic assumption that they are good and kind and loving when all you’re aware of is the regularity of their features and the quality of their body.

Does any of this imply kindness or caring? No. Does any of it suggest decency and respect for others? No, again.

RELATED: Science Says Women With These Traits Are The Most Beautiful

Learning to evaluate people based on all the information you can possibly gather is the secret to having a great future. Because truth be told, there are men and women out there who really should come with a warning label.

The difficult fact remains that people don’t post warning signs any place you can see with your eyes … at least, not until it’s too late and you’re already too close for comfort.

To protect your heart from falling in love with someone who will only leave you with a broken heart, here are 5 pieces of dating advice on how to know if a girl really likes you — and if you really like her, too.

1. Don’t assume what someone is like based on their looks.

My father used to say that after 40 you have the face you deserve, but that was before Botox. Now, there’s absolutely no way to look at someone and know who she is. She may just be a great combination of genetics and plastic surgery, so don’t just get pulled in by a pretty face!

You can tell she’s a good looking woman, but what else do you know about her? Nothing!

2. Take your time learning who they really are.

The minute you meet someone or the minute you hear about her, your job is to go into research mode. When you think of moving you research the schools for your children before you buy a home, right? And when you think about taking a job you have already checked the company, the owners, the financials, haven’t you?

And yet how many people feel hopeful that this is destiny when they meet someone new and leave logic, safety, and practical thinking behind?

RELATED: Listen Up, Guys! Here’s What Women REALLY Want From You

3. Don’t ignore what your ears tell you!

Even if she’s the most beautiful woman ever born, she may turn out to be the opposite when you take the time to get to know her.

Take the time to listen to everything a woman says, because she’s telling you who she really is. Even the most attractive women have flaws and hangups, so pay attention to what hers are!

4. Keep things casual as you see how things go.

While you may be mesmerized by this woman and you may feel as if you’re hearing a siren’s song, remember that sirens sang men onto the rocks where their ships sank. When you first meet a woman like this, it’s OK to put yourself through madness short term because you’re totally infatuated with her beauty and passion.

But if you realize her drama is unavoidable and that she definitely should have come with a warning label, just plan on making your time together short-term — perhaps a weekend or two, but not longer. Sirens may be beautiful, but they certainly don’t have your happiness in mind! It’s okay to go a little temporarily gaga for her — but make sure to pull back and take a good look at the whole package!

5. Beware of any attempts to pressure you into a commitment before you’re truly ready.

This kind of woman is incapable of love; incapable of commitment to you and devotion to a life-long relationship that is joyous and respectful. While it’s taken her decades to become the deeply-troubled woman she is you don’t want to commit yourself to sticking around and trying to change her. We can never change someone who is intimately involved with us — that’s for the pros.

So face the fact that she isn’t here to love; she uses people. She doesn’t care. She needs, and when you realize she has nothing to offer in return, you will want to get as far away from her as fast as you can! Even if you share children, there are tools and skills that will allow you to generate more compromise as you become more skilled at motivating her.

There is always a way to motivate anyone, no matter how difficult and self-absorbed she may be.

These dating tips will help you learn to spot women who should wear a warning label, recognize them for who they are, and realize that by moving on, you won’t lose anything.

In fact, you’ll be saving yourself from what would have been a miserably unhappy life sentence.

RELATED: 13 Things That Will Turn Him Off, No Matter HOW Pretty You Are

Susan Allen is a certified mediator and communication expert who helps couples find the passion in their sex lives. For a complimentary session, email her or visit her website.