Category Archives: Dating Advice
Bad romance: The dark side of online dating – Independent.ie
John Daly* couldn’t get over his luck when he matched with ‘Sandra, 28’ on Tinder. She was blonde, blue-eyed and beautiful – and unusually eager to progress their online flirtation to a real-world date.
“If I’m honest, she was totally out of my league,” says John (38) from Dublin. “So it was a surprise – a pleasant surprise – when she was so keen to meet up.”
Over the course of a week, John and Sandra exchanged somewhere in the region of 80 messages on WhatsApp, where their relationship became “very intense very quickly”.
At first Sandra asked lots of “ice-breaker questions”, but before long her messages became sexually graphic.
“I was just out of a long-term relationship and new to the whole online dating thing,” says John. “I had heard loads of people say Tinder was for hook-ups and all that so I just assumed that that was the way it was.”
A date was soon arranged in a venue on Dublin’s Southside but neither party turned up. The day beforehand, John told a friend about his upcoming date. He showed him a picture of Sandra and shared some of the messages she had sent him.
“He smelt a rat immediately,” says John, “especially when I told him that she only had one photograph of herself on the app. Apparently that’s a bit of a red flag.”
John’s friend advised him to put the picture through Google Reverse Image – a tool that allows people to search for related images.
After just a few clicks, John found a Sydney Morning Herald news story with Sandra’s photo attached to it. It transpires that ‘Sandra’ was an Australian woman called Charlotte*. To make matters even more confusing, the story reported the tragic circumstances surrounding Charlotte’s death two years previously. “I felt like a complete fool,” says John. “My friend told me to report the incident to Tinder but I just deleted my profile, I was so embarrassed.”
John has since realised that Sandra was a ‘catfish’ – a broad-stroke term to describe people who use stolen photos to assume fake identities and build relationships online.
Catfish have different motives. Sometimes they have a target – an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend that they want to exact revenge on. Sometimes they want to explore a different identity or gender by masquerading as someone else. And sometimes they’re criminals.
A recent BBC Panorama report revealed that Action Fraud, the UK’s national reporting service for fraud, receives up to 10 reports of online romance scams a day – most of which originate on dating platforms.
Closer to home, the Garda National Economic Crime Bureau is dealing with an increasing number of reports from people who have been the victims of romance fraud, and who are often deeply embarrassed about coming forward.
“We have a good few cases of romance frauds on our books, although none of them is on the scale seen overseas,” head of the bureau, Detective Chief Superintendent Pat Lordan told Review. “They say love can be blind and some of the victims have given away thousands of euro to people they have never met.”
Romance fraudsters capitalise on the anonymity of social media and dating platforms. They use stolen photographs of attractive people to set up fake profiles and then, when they match with a target, they move the conversation to a different platform so that their dating account doesn’t get flagged as spam.
The perpetrator builds up a relationship with the target very quickly. They volunteer personal information to establish emotional intimacy and they declare their undying love after just a few weeks.
Eventually they tell the target that they have run into bad luck. They were mugged on the street or they just found out that a family member needs a life-saving operation. They arouse sympathy before they ask for money – if the victim hasn’t already offered to give it.
“People don’t understand why they would have paid out money to someone they haven’t met,” says cyberpsychology researcher Nicola Fox Hamilton.
“However, these scammers are very skilled at what they do. Some of the organised groups of scammers even hire psychologists to create scripts and processes that are more likely to work successfully.”
Nicola says scammers use psychological tactics to manipulate victims.
“In order to process the amount of information that we do on a daily basis, we use cognitive shortcuts to help us,” she explains.
“For example, we favour information that agrees with beliefs or attitudes we already have; we find that information more persuasive. So when we see an attractive profile on a dating site, and they initially appear to be very interested and sincere, we are more likely to overlook information that should be a red flag, warning us that things aren’t right.”
Reports suggest that women in their forties and fifties are more likely to be the victims of romance scams. However, there are scams that specifically target men – younger men especially.
At least five men in the UK and one man in Ireland – 17-year-old Ronan Hughes from Co Tyrone – have taken their own lives after falling victim to online sextortion rackets.
While romance scammers use confidence tricks to gain a victim’s trust, sextortion criminals ensnare their targets with titillating photos and sexually-charged messages.
Before long the man is encouraged to perform a sexual act during an online video chat that is secretly recorded, and the footage is later used to blackmail him for large sums of money.
Looking back, John thinks ‘Sandra’ might have been setting him up for this particular scam. “I reckon she was going to pull out of our date at the last minute and suggest a Skype chat instead,” he says.
John’s experience raises a lot of questions about the safety of dating platforms, just as the case of Tinder rapist Patrick Nevin shone a light on the dark side of online dating.
How can we be sure that we’re talking to who we think we’re talking to on a dating platform? Is it easier for criminals and sexual predators to target people in a space where users can easily fly under the radar with fake profiles? And, more to the point, are these platforms doing enough to keep their users safe?
For Noeline Blackwell, chief executive of the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre (DRCC), the answer is no.
The DRCC’s recently-published annual report highlighted some worrying new trends, including “a number of clients who have reported being raped by people they met on a dating platform”.
The organisation is now calling on dating platforms to put better safeguards in place.
“In a situation where the online dating companies are making massive amounts of money out of their product, there is a responsibility on them to ensure – or at least try to ensure – that people are not harmed by the product they are selling,” says Noeline.
“They have enough experience and enough knowledge of how the system operates to in some way apply that traceability,” she adds. “But there is a concern that it doesn’t suit them to do it – perhaps because it will slow down the sale of the product.”
Some of the newer dating platforms have made user-safety their USP: Bumble puts women in control of the connection; Once allows women to review the men they date.
The more established dating platforms, on the other hand, offer little more than a page of safety tips that reminds users to do their own “due diligence”.
Nicola thinks these safety tips could be more specific and better circulated. “Some of those tips could be about using reverse image search,” she suggests.
She also thinks dating platforms could monitor suspicious key words and phrases.
“If someone is asked to move to a different platform to talk, they might get a warning of things to look out for, or if someone is asking them to go to their house on a first date it might warn them that it’s not a great idea, and it might be better to meet publicly, etc.”
Noeline thinks an enhanced verification process could make a difference. “If someone sets up a fake profile and not reveal who they are – and the company can’t identify who they are even when they are asked – then there is a real danger,” she points out.
Another idea, proposed by Fine Gael Senator Catherine Noone, is a legislative ban on sex offenders using dating apps.
George Kidd, chief executive of the Online Dating Association – a standards body for the online dating industry – welcomes the proposal. “It puts a duty on the individual and creates consequences if he or she does not comply. That is a real aid if sites have no right of access to information on convictions,” he says.
But what is to stop a sex offender from creating a fake profile, asks Daragh O Brien, managing director of data protection consultancy Castlebridge.
The other issue, he says, is that the legislation could only be enforced against providers operating out of Ireland, and not providers operating out of other jurisdictions. “Not to mention the ethical problems,” he adds.
“What we could look at is whether the operators of these platforms have sufficient controls to identify problematic customers about whom complaints are made and issues are filed,” he suggests.
George says members of the Online Dating Association already have “robust conditions” on the behaviour of users and will “remove those who offend or may harm others”. However, he acknowledges that they can always get better.
The organisation is trying to centralise reports of dating fraud so that they can circulate them to companies in the sector. They are looking into ways that they can use charities, interest groups and social media to get safety messages out to users, “particularly those who might be new to apps and online dating”, and they’re working on a “Date Great: Date Safe” safety message that might be sent in instances where online contact is brief and where people want to meet others on a same-day/next-day basis.”
It’s a step in the right direction but it’s by no means a silver bullet. Online dating-initiated scams and sexual assaults are on the rise and, for now at least, the onus is on users to stay safe.
* Some names have been changed
Is your online interest a scammer?
Cyberpsychologist Nicola Fox Hamilton, below, lists some of the red flags to look out for:
A very attractive profile of someone in a different country who is unable to come and visit you – for example male profiles are often attractive, high up in the military and stationed abroad; female profiles are often very attractive, from economically depressed countries (eg Ukraine) and so cannot visit because they can’t afford to.
Cyberpsychologist Nicola Fox Hamilton
As soon as you start communicating with the profile, they start messaging a lot, it gets intense very quickly, and they try to move you off the dating platform into something like an instant message app very quickly. They usually don’t want to speak on the phone – but that’s not always the case.
The intensity of the relationship builds very quickly and they often declare love very soon. People scammed in these cases report feeling like no one has ever listened to them as much as this person; they’ve told them things they never told anyone else. They groom the person over a period of time – anything from weeks to up to two years – before they start asking for money.
They usually ask for something small first. Once you’ve agreed to that, you’re more likely to follow through on that commitment if they ask for more. Sometimes they will ask for a very large amount of money first – and when the person baulks at that, they ask for a smaller but still significant amount and are more likely to receive it. These are key psychological tools to persuade people to do something.
How to date safely online
Keep a friend updated during your date
Do background checks: Use the Google Reverse Image tool to verify the authenticity of photos and try to glean as much information as possible on the person, before cross-checking it online. For extra peace of mind, look for common connections and mutual friends.
Get advice: If you’re new to online dating, it’s important to get some pointers from people who have more experience of the landscape. They’ll point out shady online behaviours and common red flags.
Meet in public: If you’re meeting someone for the first time, choose a public and well-populated place.
Tell people: Let a friend or family member know about your plans, and give them contact details for the person you are planning to meet. Keep your friend updated throughout the date (and make sure your mobile phone is fully charged).
Trust your instincts: Dating and relationship coach Annie Lavin advises online daters to listen to their gut. “Do not overlook information that sounds shady,” she advises. “Most people who end up in unhealthy relationships claim they knew there was ‘something off’ from the very beginning.”
Don’t stay silent: The director of the Rape Crisis Network Ireland, Clíona Saidlear, worries that victims of dating platform linked sexual assault and rape may not come forward. “One of the major issues around the online setting is that you are active in that space and, to some extent saying you’re available and engaging in building connections with people, oftentimes with romantic/sexual intentions.
“But the message we really need to give out is that it doesn’t matter what you say you’re up for on your dating profile. That still doesn’t take away your right to say no to something.”
Indo Review
Dear Abby: Mom unhappy with daughter's phone dating – Lompoc Record
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl who has been in a long-distance relationship for two years. We’re still in high school and actively involved in sports and extracurricular activities. During the fall months I cheer, and in the winter months he plays basketball. Our schedules only really allow for texting and FaceTiming rather than going out.
Although our time is spent communicating on the phone, I feel we have a strong connection, and I am devoted to him. However, my mom is concerned “because I’m not dating and taking advantage of opportunities that could come with dating someone closer.” She criticizes him nonstop and thinks he’s making excuses and avoiding a commitment. She’d like to see me going out and having fun with someone like most girls my age do.
I don’t think he’s making excuses, and I don’t feel as though I’m missing out on any opportunities. This disagreement is causing an issue between my mom and me. I feel that he’s The One, but Mom is finding it challenging to accept this. I would love to hear your advice. — FAR, BUT CLOSE, IN MICHIGAN
DEAR F. BUT C.: You may feel that this young man is “The One”, but your mother has a point. Please listen to her. Rather than sit home every night because you are devoted only to him, you should socialize and develop non-romantic relationships. It wouldn’t be betraying him. Most young people go out in groups, and that’s what you should be doing. This may be what your mother is trying to convey rather than saying he isn’t The One.
Also, you and this young man have years of education to complete before you’ll be in a position to formalize your relationship. While you are doing that, both of you will meet new people and be offered opportunities that may broaden your horizons. Think about it.
DEAR ABBY: For the past two years, my husband, “Dennis,” has worked Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve. He’s in a business where he doesn’t have to be the only one to work these holidays. He volunteers to do it because of the tips and holiday pay. When I walked into the office today, I saw a note he had written to his boss asking to work both holidays again.
Years ago when my father was alive, he hosted Christmas Eve for our family. Then the tradition was handed down to me, and I proudly hosted them. Now that Dennis and I are together, our place is too small, so I asked my son to do it and he gladly agreed.
My problem is, I will have to go to my son’s alone again for Christmas Eve, and my son and daughter-in-law feel insulted because Dennis won’t come for the holidays. How do I deal with this? — HUSBANDLESS FOR THE HOLIDAYS, AGAIN
DEAR HUSBANDLESS: It appears you and Dennis have been married only a short time. Was he like this when you were dating? If the answer is no, it’s time to ask him if he intends to continue working holidays indefinitely. And when you do, let him know that his refusal to spend family time with your son and daughter-in-law hurts their feelings as well as yours.
If that doesn’t convince him to compromise, you will have to explain to your son and his wife that Dennis prefers to work rather than attend holiday celebrations and to please not take it personally because it’s not personal.
Dear Abby: Mom unhappy with daughter's phone dating – Santa Maria Times
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl who has been in a long-distance relationship for two years. We’re still in high school and actively involved in sports and extracurricular activities. During the fall months I cheer, and in the winter months he plays basketball. Our schedules only really allow for texting and FaceTiming rather than going out.
Although our time is spent communicating on the phone, I feel we have a strong connection, and I am devoted to him. However, my mom is concerned “because I’m not dating and taking advantage of opportunities that could come with dating someone closer.” She criticizes him nonstop and thinks he’s making excuses and avoiding a commitment. She’d like to see me going out and having fun with someone like most girls my age do.
I don’t think he’s making excuses, and I don’t feel as though I’m missing out on any opportunities. This disagreement is causing an issue between my mom and me. I feel that he’s The One, but Mom is finding it challenging to accept this. I would love to hear your advice. — FAR, BUT CLOSE, IN MICHIGAN
DEAR F. BUT C.: You may feel that this young man is “The One”, but your mother has a point. Please listen to her. Rather than sit home every night because you are devoted only to him, you should socialize and develop non-romantic relationships. It wouldn’t be betraying him. Most young people go out in groups, and that’s what you should be doing. This may be what your mother is trying to convey rather than saying he isn’t The One.
Also, you and this young man have years of education to complete before you’ll be in a position to formalize your relationship. While you are doing that, both of you will meet new people and be offered opportunities that may broaden your horizons. Think about it.
DEAR ABBY: For the past two years, my husband, “Dennis,” has worked Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve. He’s in a business where he doesn’t have to be the only one to work these holidays. He volunteers to do it because of the tips and holiday pay. When I walked into the office today, I saw a note he had written to his boss asking to work both holidays again.
Years ago when my father was alive, he hosted Christmas Eve for our family. Then the tradition was handed down to me, and I proudly hosted them. Now that Dennis and I are together, our place is too small, so I asked my son to do it and he gladly agreed.
My problem is, I will have to go to my son’s alone again for Christmas Eve, and my son and daughter-in-law feel insulted because Dennis won’t come for the holidays. How do I deal with this? — HUSBANDLESS FOR THE HOLIDAYS, AGAIN
DEAR HUSBANDLESS: It appears you and Dennis have been married only a short time. Was he like this when you were dating? If the answer is no, it’s time to ask him if he intends to continue working holidays indefinitely. And when you do, let him know that his refusal to spend family time with your son and daughter-in-law hurts their feelings as well as yours.
If that doesn’t convince him to compromise, you will have to explain to your son and his wife that Dennis prefers to work rather than attend holiday celebrations and to please not take it personally because it’s not personal.
I Tried Dating Like It Was 1999 – No Apps! – and Here's How I Met Guys IRL – Lifestyle
Remember the ’90s and early ’00s before the dating apps? Personally, I was a child, but I was a child obsessed with romantic comedies where everything seemed absolutely urgent, exciting, and such hard work! I always pictured my future adulthood spent in absurd situations where my gay best friend pretended to be my fiancé à la Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding, or perhaps I’d have to go to a wedding and face my ex, like Debra Messing in The Wedding Date, or maybe I was so often a bridesmaid that the local paper would do a cover story on my tragedy, like Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses.
But as it turns out, there’s a lot less urgency in today’s typical dating arena – and in fact, things can start to feel a little like a video game:
- Swipe left.
- Swipe right.
- Left.
- Right.
- Right.
- Hi, how’s your Tuesday going?
- Would you like to get a drink on Thursday?
- Hey, I had a nice time, but this isn’t a fit for me.
- And repeat.
Robots. I think we can all agree we kinda miss the whimsy and excitement of an in-person meet cute. As it turns out, there are myriad options for dating in the 21st century that involve no swiping whatsoever. Don’t believe me? Well, you’re in luck, because like a hero, I spent two weeks turning away from my dating apps (yes, even my beloved Bumble) and pretending I was dating in the ’90s.
Dating without the apps is higher risk, more fun, and more work!
Things have changed a bit since those days, but one thing remains constant: dating without the apps is higher risk, more fun, and more work!
But how can you possibly meet anyone without the apps? I’ll take you on my journey.
Meeting Someone at a Work Conference
At the very least, it’s practice dating; at most, you meet someone worth getting on a plane for.
I was on a solo business journey in the Midwest, eating alone, when I noticed a total babe who had that kinda corn-fed look that comes from being raised on football and beef. Without my apps to distract me, I sat there, enjoying my dinner, making myself just available enough to be approached (but hopefully not so available that people felt sad for the 30-something lady dining alone). That’s a tough balance to strike, people, but a healthy confidence can flip the scales in your direction.
Corn-fed beef over there wasn’t making a move, so I ventured to be a little bolder than usual and ask him a question about the football game on TV. Easy, because my baseline knowledge of sports is exactly zero. He bit, and we started chatting immediately. Turns out he was also attending the conference I was speaking at, and he was also single AF. Game. On.
We shared some wine and the kind of fun, intimate conversation that can happen when the likelihood of meeting again is low enough to exchange some secrets. The conference lasted a couple more days, and every time I saw him in the expo hall, we’d wink or smile, and at the evening networking events, I had a built-in buddy. On the last day, we parted ways with a fist bump right before I went on stage, and it made me feel like a freaking rock star. Wherever you are now, corn-fed beef, thanks for the memories.
Related: We Asked, They Answered: A Bunch of Guys Share Their Best Dating Tips (That Actually Work)
Matchmakers and Dating Coaches
I’d never worked with a matchmaker before, so I sat down with founder and matchmaker at Agape Match Maria Avgitidis to get the lowdown. Being on the phone with her for 40 minutes was part interview, part personal dating coach session, and I’m forever grateful for nuggets of wisdom like, “Avoid self-deprecating jokes, the universe listens to stuff like that,” and, “No need to give men more information than necessary. You can leave a date by saying, ‘It’s time for me to go,’ and let them think you’re Cinderella.”
“No need to give men more information than necessary. You can leave a date by saying, ‘It’s time for me to go,’ and let them think you’re Cinderella.”
Mind-blowing advice wasn’t the only thing Maria shared. She explained that matchmakers and dating coaches are great because they either do the swiping and the matching on your behalf or give you lessons on how to get more efficient at it yourself. Her team at Agape doesn’t consider themselves in competition with the apps, but rather power users. According to Maria, “Not being on the apps today is like not having an email address.” So while you might be reading this for ideas to get off the apps entirely, consider the possibility that you could outsource the operation instead of removing it from your life.
If you can’t afford a matchmaker, that’s OK, too. San Francisco-based dating coach and relationship counselor Lauren Korshak MA, MFT, says many matchmaking companies will allow you to join their databases for free. A handful she suggests checking out are OkSasha, Find Love at Last, Skilled Attraction, and others.
A Wingman
If outsourcing to strangers isn’t your thing, consider letting someone you know and trust take over your dating apps. I saw a guy on Bumble recently whose description said, “This is sometimes Brad, but it’s mostly his sister-in-law.” Such a great disclaimer, because if Brad’s sister-in-law accidentally swipes right on Brad’s coworker, his friend’s ex, or someone he ghosted, it’s clearly an innocent mistake.
Like most things, there’s an app for this, very appropriately named Wingman. Available on iOS and Android, the platform allows you to designate up to four wingmen who can suggest introductions, and if it’s a match, you take over the conversation privately from there. I spoke with the company’s CEO and founder, Tina Wilson, who explained, “Many people have fatigue around dating apps, so tap into your friends and family, who are great resources to help you meet the right person.” I wish I’d known about this app when I let my mom give my dating life a whirl.
Related: 13 Things Your BFF Will Do If He’s Secretly in Love With You
Speed Dating
You gotta try it. Not necessarily because it’s where all the soulmates are hiding, but it’s equal parts effective and absurd. In other words, it’s great for going on a handful of mini dates in one night so you get a crash course in the art of dating small talk. Just make sure you’re well rested, fed, and hydrated, because it’s a very long night.
I spoke with Australia-based Brett Couston, who cofounded modernized speed-dating company CitySwoon with his wife, Louise O’Connor. The pair created the company to bring speed dating into the 21st century and were kind enough to let me attend a few events. They work like this:
- Sign up for a CitySwoon event, and receive the time and location over email.
- Arrive at a seemingly normal bar with normal attendees on what feels like a normal night.
- Check in via your phone upon arrival, and wait for the event to begin.
- You’ll know it’s begun when your phone pings you with the first name and a single headshot of your first match, who is also in said bar, and it’s your job to find one another.
- Once you make contact, sit and enjoy each other’s company for 10 or so minutes until your phone pings you both for your next match to begin.
- Repeat for 90 minutes.
The biggest con of speed dating is the events usually start a bit late. There’s no minute longer than a waiting-for-your-date-to-start minute. Not a microwave minute, not a treadmill minute, nothing. So 15 of those is torture, but I’m here to tell you this is equal parts thrilling and exhausting, and we should all try it at least once. If you think you’re bad at dating, this is the crash course you need to work out those conversation starters and become a pro. If you think you’re good at dating, this is a new challenge that will shake it up and keep it interesting. Plus, afterward, I treat myself to ice cream.
Karaoke
Here’s why it works. There are exactly two kinds of people who like karaoke: attention seekers and attention givers. If you’re a seeker (me) and you’re not on stage, you’re bored as hell. You’re only there to get the mic and let the world watch you shine, so anyone who gives you attention when it’s not your turn is going to really stand out.
That’s right – a date from meeting in real life. It. Can. Happen!
I was recently at my favorite karaoke dive with my fellow attention-seeker friend Chelsea, and we were bringing the house down with Salt-N-Pepa’s “Shoop.” I remembered the name of the cute guy who’d sung before us, and at each chorus, I started razzing him to sing along, shouting his name and insisting he knew the words. He loved it, his friend group loved it, and guess what? After the song, he bought me a beer and got my number, and last weekend, we went to the movies. That’s right – a date from meeting in real life. It. Can. Happen!
A Healthy Backslide
Don’t diminish that metaphorical little black book of your past beaus gone wrong. OK, you’ve said it’s never gonna work, but really ask yourself why. You might have noticed there’s always a little something that keeps you coming back – but maybe there’s a little something that keeps you from taking this seriously. Examine that thing instead. If it’s not a dealbreaker, consider restructuring your mindset to give it a real shot.
If you’ve overlooked a quality person because you were going through a “me” phase, the worst that can happen from you pinging this past romance is they will feel flattered but decline. The best that could happen is you kick back into gear with someone you’re now emotionally ready for.
Now, as you imagine a world without the instant gratification of a match, consider picking your head up and looking around for a moment to take a risk and pretend you’re in a ’90s rom-com. Surprisingly, you might end up having more fun doing more work. Good luck out there!
