Relationships Talk

For 40-something Australians recovering from a divorce, the second most daunting D-word has to be dating. While dating may be the least of your worries, it could be time to get back into the swing of things. This is why online dating could be the perfect post-divorce strategy.

Even something as simple as starting a conversation or approaching potential romantic interests can intimidate the most confident of people. For Australians who bid adieu to the dating scene in exchange for an ‘I do’ long before the rise of online dating, discovering that most romantic conversations now happen over the internet can feel like an overwhelming, foreign concept. In fact, eharmony’s latest research shows four in ten (39 per cent), or the equivalent of 5.4 million Australians, have dated someone they met online. This is a very different landscape for 40-somethings back on the dating scene, the majority of whom met their former partners through a friend (11 per cent).

Getting back into the dating scene may seem like a low priority following divorce for some, however putting yourself out there even in small ways ensures you have a healthy balance in your life, and can help you start to mend your broken heart.

Despite the very reasonable apprehension of dater’s in their 40s; more and more mature daters are attempting to find love online. Dating is about taking a chance and overcoming fears or insecurities to ultimately find love. Despite modern dating seeming very different than even five years ago, in a lot of ways it is the same as it’s always been.

According to eharmony research, the overwhelming majority of people are still looking for the same qualities in a romantic partner; a sense of humour (69 per cent), and shared hobbies and interests (64 per cent). What has actually changed is the way we seek these qualities out. Thanks to online dating sites, you now have a lot more opportunities to avoid the bad stuff (no compatibility) and seek out the good stuff (sparks!).

Could online dating be the perfect post-divorce dating strategy? Here’s five reasons why it might be time to power up your romantic life through the digital age.

Take it slow – literally!

Without the pressure of a lingering stare across the bar, you can take your entrance onto the online dating scene as slowly as you want. The most important step of dating after divorce is putting yourself out there. Taking that step is difficult but may be a lot easier from the comfort of your own home, keeping control at your fingertips.

First impressions are no longer instantaneous

Digital dating slows down the process. Instead of a cheesy pickup line said in the heat of the moment, it’s a dating profile you can take as long as you want to write before you publish, or take as long as you wish to read before you choose to connect with an individual. Sometimes the fear of giving a good first impression for an exciting love interest can destroy your confidence. Through building an online profile – with advice and help from the platform of your choice – you can take all the anxiety out of the first impression.

Let the pressure out

Post –divorce daters always tell me they hate the pressure of dating. These daters are used to the comfortable nature of their long-term relationships, so butterflies can turn into anxiety in the early days. Online dating allows you to start or end a conversation whenever you want. You can even enjoy some innocent flirtation while sitting on the couch in your PJ’s!

Talking is the new kissing

Conversation is a great way to determine how compatible you are with someone, if you have chemistry, and if you can build rapport. Since digital dating is driven by conversation, you get a chance to fall in love with one another’s personality before you meet in person. This is exactly what so many post-divorce daters tell me they are looking for. Getting to know each other before diving in to a relationship limits the chances of failure, and helps you to understand what you really want in a new partner.

Find a perfect match

Imagine flipping through a book of your most eligible suitors, in there you can read about their interests, their values and life outlook, and all the ways they are deeply suited to you across core dimensions of compatibility. Finding out on the third date that your prospective romance doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you on subjects that matter most to you, or even something as small as them hating dogs on the third date when you have three of them at home can naturally be really frustrating. Through online dating – especially sites that match you intelligently with people you share compatibility with – you can establish compatibility right at the outset, helping you date smarter instead of harder. Compatibility is vital to a strong connection and long-term love success, and online dating sites like eharmony have taken this down to a science.

If you’re feeling nervous about getting back into the dating scene post-divorce, remember to take your time, enjoy the experience, and use it as an opportunity to really define what it is you’re looking for from a partnership.

For more information on dating, visit eharmony.com.au, where you can also find out more about its happiness-based matching system, or download the app available on iOS and Android.

Sharon is a highly credentialed psychologist, with a wealth of experience helping individuals navigate through the stress and anxieties of looking for a partner. Sharon has been devoting her expertise to empowering clients globally since 2008, and has been contributing to Australian media, since 2013.

For more relationship advice, take this compatibility test to find out if you and your date are really meant for each other. Plus, this is exactly how many dates you should go on before becoming exclusive.

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Is this person really worth your time?

Your time is valuable and your heart is worth protecting. With the large availability of dating advice, sites and resources dedicated to helping us find our soulmate, we must learn how to quickly determine if the person we are currently dating is even capable of building a meaningful and lasting relationship.

Not sure if you can recognize dating red flags with someone you’re seeing? If you notice any of these warning signs showing up during the first couple of dates, it’s time to say goodbye and run the other way. 

RELATED: 9 Early Red Flags Warning You He’s Not Boyfriend Material

1. Is he married or otherwise unavailable to commit to me?
2. Is he controlling, rude, or disrespectful toward others or me?
3. Does he react to frustration with anger, rage, blame?
4. Does he “love bomb” me to the point of cyber stalking?
5. Does he drink too much?
6. Does he have a substance or behavior (sex, gambling) addiction that he rationalizes as “not a problem”?
7. Does he ask and talk about personal sexual habits and preferences?
8. Does he send suggestive or nude pictures and ask to reciprocate?
9. Does he initiate a first kiss by cornering me?
10. Does his behavior often change or is inconsistent?
11. Does he say he wants to be my friend first, but invades personal and sexual boundaries?
12. Is he immature, impulsive or irresponsible?
13. Is he emotionally distant, aloof or hollow?
14. Is he always talking about his ex or exes?
15. Does he want me to make his sad life better?
16. Is he pessimistic and negative about things that matter to me?
17. Does he lacks integrity in dealing with people, money, etc.?
18. Is he unwilling to self-examine, accept feedback, take responsibility?
19. Does he miss dates without rescheduling in advance?
20. Does he seem too good to be true?
21. Does he often go through an emotional roller coaster with recurring or regular emotional drama?
22. Does he talk too much about himself and monopolizes conversation or acts too withdrawn? 

Next, check in with how your gut instincts react to your date. ​Are any of these things true?:

23. “This isn’t what I really want, but I also don’t want to be alone.”
24. “I don’t feel proud of this person to introduce to my friends or family.”
25. “I want to rescue, help, improve, or change this person.”
26. “I’m acting more needy, clingy or different with this person than I normally do.”
27. “Something about them makes me freak out or triggers panic.”
28. “I feel frustrated or confused with him.”
29. “I’m focusing on one important quality (money, sex, fun) and ignoring everything else.”
30. “I feel desperate.”

So, what’s the verdict? If none of these dating red flags are in place, that’s great! Keep going out with this person if you want. But if one are more are occurring, love yourself enough to walk away and find someone else. 

RELATED: If He Does These 5 Things On A Date, You Don’t Want Him In Your Life

Jianny Adamo, LMHC, is the founder of Fearless Love Coaching and Counseling. She’s currently writing her book, Love Trauma: Recovering from Psychopathic, Narcissistic and Sexual Abuse.

This article was originally published at fearlesslove.net. Reprinted with permission from the author.

As a couple who found love on “Bachelor in Paradise,” Ashley Iaconetti and Jared Haibon understand the need to break the rules of traditional dating.

They sat down with “Extra” to share their tips for finding love during the holidays in today’s digital age!

Digital technology and smartphones have redefined the dating game, with more and more millennials relying on dating apps to find romance on their own terms, and the holiday season is a popular time for swiping!

Meeting people through dating apps has become the new normal, but you have to commit to using the apps regularly for the best results – the more active you are, the more people you match with, and in turn, the more dates you go on.

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Jumping back into the dating game is never easy. And if you were in a more than 10-year relationship with your ex, like Jennifer Garner, then it’s definitely not going to be a walk in the park! But luckily for Jennifer, she can rely on her friends to help her navigate the dating world, and according to Life & Style, her besties just gave her the best dating advice from the perfect outfit to wear to great conversation topics.

“They told her, avoid talking about Ben Affleck, don’t spend all night discussing the kids, and most importantly, no more mom jeans!” an insider told the magazine. Though we doubt Jen would be wearing “mom jeans” around her new boyfriend, John Miller, she should definitely not bring up Ben or his life post-rehab. The best thing that Jen can seemingly do is to keep the conversation very fun, light, and not about her former flames!

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Jen’s friends are seemingly just looking out for the actress and don’t want her to scare John away by bringing Ben up all the time. “They just want Jen to let loose and get back in touch with her sexy side,” the source said. “Fortunately, John likes the whole Jen package!”

Since John and Jennifer have been dating for about seven months now, he’s probably gotten used to being around Jennifer and her sweet, quirky personality. They have such a great relationship that Jen has already reportedly introduced John to her three kids, Violet, 12, Seraphina, 9, and Samuel, 6, which made their dad, Ben, very angry.

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“When Ben and Jen met up with the kids, they kept talking about mommy’s new friend and how much fun he was,” a source recently revealed to the UK’s Heat magazine. “They were saying how [John] knows how to cook and doesn’t like alcohol, which really got to Ben.” If Jen already introduced John to her kids then she must want him around for the long haul!