Relationships Talk

In the 1980s, 18-year-old Donna Barnes moved from Philadelphia to New York City with dreams of hitting it big. She lived in Manhattan and found work as a catalog model. She became well-known among local model/actresses, and she navigated the social and dating scene with easy confidence.

Then, at age 30, Donna had her heart broken. She had never felt such profound sadness over a rejection before then, and she said that experience gave her a lot of compassion for singles recovering from breakups and going through heartaches.

“I understood dating differently after that. It set me on my journey,” she told us. “I started reading everything I could get my hands on because it was the only thing that made me feel better — I had to figure out what had happened.”

Ultimately, Donna decided to just be single for a while and focus on her career.

In the early 2000s, a friend introduced her to a producer who was making a documentary about several single and successful women in New York City. She agreed to be part of the project, which aired on Sky UK as “The Real Sex in the City,” and then Metro TV picked up the eight-part series and called it “To Live and Date in New York.” We TV later aired it as “Single in the City.”

The success of this series opened doors for Donna. She landed a gig as a co-host on a local talk show focused on relationship topics, and she spent 205 episodes giving her opinions and advice. A promotional poster for the show branded her as a “dating expert” for the first time, and Donna embraced the title. She enrolled in classes at NYU to become a certified life coach and began working on a book.

In 2007, Donna took on her first coaching clients, and she has been helping people navigate the dating scene ever since.

“It was a serendipitous journey to becoming a relationship coach,” she said reflectively. “What makes me unique is that I don’t just have book knowledge. I have almost 30 years of being single in New York having my own experience and hearing my friends’ experiences.”

Growing Her Social Media Presence on YouTube & Beyond

Donna told us her acting experience has helped her excel at creating conversational and attention-grabbing videos geared toward singles and couples. She began her YouTube channel in 2011 with modest aspirations but found many people leaving comments asking for more content and wondering why she didn’t have a bigger following. Donna saw an opportunity to grow her audience and her client base, and she threw herself into it. Her channel now has over 376,000 views.

Each video on Donna’s channel covers a particular dating topic — ranging from dating rules to conflict resolution — and offers succinct solutions based on 30 years of dating and 11 years of dating coaching experience.

Donna isn’t yet an expert on social media marketing and online channel optimization, but she’s getting there. She is currently educating herself on how the medium can work to her advantage as a life and relationship coach. Some of her most popular videos have over 1,000 views, and her channel currently has 3,600 subscribers — and it’s still growing.

“It’s still a work in progress, but it’s getting bigger,” Donna said. “Right now I’m investigating doing group chats on my YouTube channel because I think it’d be really helpful to get people talking about dating and giving each other guidance.”

Donna currently facilitates an active dialogue in the comments section of her videos and in her advice blog, but she has her sights set on fostering a real-time conversation among her online audience in the future. Through her YouTube channel, she plans to set up weekly group chats where singles can commiserate with one another and inspire one another.

Over the last few years, Donna has made an impact on the dating scene one conversation at a time. Her work with coaching clients has helped her choose topics that are relevant to the modern dater. In videos lasting no longer than five minutes. Donna sums up the dating and relationship lesson gleaned from her personal experiences and professional knowledge.

“The more you coach, the better you get, and the more knowledge you get,” she said. “A lot of people just want to know that they’re normal. I hear that all the time. They just want to know they’re not the only ones going through this.”

Her Pragmatic Voice Cuts Through the Noise

As a life coach, relationship coach, and breakup coach, Donna sees people of all ages and backgrounds. She said her youngest client was a 15-year-old girl whose single father reached out to Donna because he didn’t know how to talk to his daughter about dating and sex.

On the other end of the spectrum, Donna’s oldest client was a 70-year-old woman whose husband had passed away years ago. The widow wanted to meet a new partner but didn’t know how. Donna recommended going to a bar to have dinner because a lot of older single men don’t want to cook for themselves so they’ll have a quiet meal at the bar of a nice restaurant. The first time the woman tried this, she ended up meeting a man.

Some of Donna’s clients have been single for a while and want to get out of their rut, while other clients are recently divorced and don’t know how to adapt to a dating scene now littered with sites and apps. Donna also specializes in breakup recovery and helping clients heal and move forward with their lives after a relationship is over. She’s not afraid to tell her clients the truth, and that’s something that many singles need to break through the echo chamber of quick tips on the web.

“Quite frankly, the truth is there’s no guaranteed way to get your ex back,” Donna said. “People do what they want to do. If your ex wants to come back, that’s the only way they’ll come back.”

Donna’s YouTube channel and blog get to the heart of a variety of dating and relationship topics.

In Donna’s private coaching practice, she helps her clients get out of their own way so they can get in a relationship. She told us the story about one single man who was adamant that he couldn’t date a woman who was religious. He was culturally Jewish but didn’t follow organized religion, and he wanted a partner to be on the same page on this issue.

Donna encouraged him to make an exception and give all women a chance. “Long story short, he ended up marrying a Catholic,” she said. “He’s crazy about her. They seem happy. I haven’t heard from him in awhile, and, if I don’t hear from my clients, it’s usually because they’re happy.”

Another man told Donna his biggest dating obstacle was his height. According to him, women weren’t attracted to him because he was only 5’4. The dating coach shook her head and spent several sessions telling him it was all in his head, and women were repelled by his negative attitude, not his height.

Donna empowers her clients to confidently pursue the love life they want.

The message sunk in when he told her about a date that he’d thought hadn’t gone well, but Donna begged to differ. She saw signs that the woman was interested in him. Donna pushed him to give her a call despite his pessimism, and the woman ended up sleeping with him on their next date. After that, the single man behaved more confidently with women and found his dating prospects dramatically improved.

“He didn’t think she liked him, but that was his own insecurities talking,” Donna said. “That’s one of my favorite stories because you are what you think you are. You have to stop making decisions for other people. Don’t decide what someone else thinks about you. Just be who you are and be confident.”

Encouraging Singles to Adjust Their Relationship Habits

Donna worked on her first self-help book for years before feeling satisfied that she’d hit the right tone and said what she felt needed to be said. She published “Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices” in 2012. The book offers a lighthearted take on maintaining a healthy relationship. Throughout the book, she cleverly compares positive dating habits to going on a diet. In this case, you’re not cutting out breads and cheese, though; you’re cutting out bad influences and cheesy daters.

“Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships” trains readers to cultivate healthier dating habits.

“It’s incredibly well-written,” said Dany M Bouchedid in an Amazon review. “The food metaphors are an absolutely brilliant way of explaining very complex psychological concepts. This book should be required reading before anyone enters into a relationship.”

Another reader said the book’s insights motivated him to turn his love life around. “Ingenious that the author applies humor with intellect allowing us to laugh at ourselves,” Keno said. “At the same time, it drives the point home that you need to learn and apply. A must read!”

Donna wrote “Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships” under the umbrella title of “Relationship Recipes,” which left the door open to turning the book into a series. The dating coach said she intends to write more self-help books to guide singles in need of a wake-up call in the dating scene. “It’s on the to-do list,” she said. “I’d very much like to write at least one follow-up book.”

Life Coach Donna Barnes Shares 30 Years of Knowledge

When Donna first started dating, she assumed it would be easy to find love and get married. As she grew up and gained experience in the dating scene, however, she realized that a lasting relationship doesn’t “just happen” — she had to make it happen. Donna committed herself to mastering the art of relationship-building, and she now has a flourishing coaching career and a dedicated boyfriend to show for it.

Today, Donna offers straightforward insights to singles and couples facing challenges in their personal lives. Her compassionate and conversational coaching style has inspired many clients, viewers, and readers to reassess their dating habits and recognize the mistakes they’ve made in the past.

“Whether it’s through coaching or YouTube, my primary focus is always helping my clients grow and become the best version of themselves,” she said. “It’s really rewarding to look back and feel like all of my mistakes were worth it because I’ve prevented a lot of people from making the same mistakes.”

Now comes the hard part: You have to decide whether the benefits outweigh the risks. If you’re seriously worried that flirting with an old boss could harm your career, then don’t chance it — there are plenty of other amazing people to have amazing sex with, date, or marry. But if you don’t think asking for the date will make any difference to your current or future jobs, then why not? If that’s the case, asking out your ex-boss becomes just like asking out any friend or acquaintance. Sure, it’s still hard, because facing rejection always is, but it’s 100% doable.

Jacob Sartorius at Nickelodeon’s 2017 Kids’ Choice Awards at USC Galen Center in Los Angeles on March 11, 2017.Steve Granitz/WireImage

Not so subtle! Jacob Sartorius throws shade at his ex-girlfriend Millie Bobby Brown’s friendship with Drake on his new song “We’re Not Friends,” a source exclusively tells Us Weekly.

The track from the 16-year-old singer-songwriter’s recently released EP, Better With You, features the lyrics: “Girl, I wanna give you more than good advice / We’re not friends, we’re not friends / You already know I got enough of them.”

Brown, 14, revealed in September that she has turned to Drake, 32, for dating advice. Her comments raised eyebrows on Twitter at the time due to the pair’s age difference.

Millie Bobby Brown and Drake attend the Netflix Golden Globes afterparty at Waldorf Astoria Beverly Hills on January 7, 2018. Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for Netflix

“I met him in Australia, and he’s honestly so fantastic — a great friend and a great role model,” the Stranger Things star told Access on the red carpet at the 2018 Emmy Awards. “We just texted each other the other day, and he was like, ‘I miss you so much,’ and I was like, ‘I miss you more.’”

When asked what kind of advice the rapper gives her, Brown responded, “About boys! He helps me. … That stays in the text messages.”

“We’re Not Friends” isn’t the only song on Sartorius’ new project about the actress. Us confirms that many of the seven tracks are inspired by the former couple’s romance.

Us broke the news in January that the young stars’ friendship had blossomed into a relationship. Seven months later, they announced that they came to the “completely mutual” decision to call it quits, saying in a joint statement on their Instagram accounts, “We are both happy and remaining friends.”

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First, we had ‘ghosting’, next came ‘bread-crumbing’, now we’ve got ‘cushioning’ and ‘cuffing’ to contend with.

But what do all these dating terms mean and what can you do when you’re on the receiving end of some of the more brutal aspects of modern dating behaviour?

If you’ve ever wondered why all those flirty texts don’t seem to be going anywhere or why your latest online suitor is so vague when it comes to actually meeting IRL? Chances are, you’ve fallen victim for one the less savoury aspects of online dating behaviour, you’ve been benched.

Dating apps have given a platform for frogs across the planet to behave in less than princely ways. They like you enough to string you along, and revel in the ego-boosting attention, but they’ll never arrange an actual date. Frustrating.

While it’s true that dating apps have opened a world of possibilities – they’ve also given a platform for frogs across the planet to behave in less than princely ways.

That’s why we’ve called on experts over at dating app Jaumo, for a guide to latest dating app pitfalls, so that you know exactly what you’re up against, next time you’re looking for love.

If you hadn’t heard of Jaumo before now, don’t worry. If you’re on the dating scene you soon will, as they’ve been rated as the best dating app in the States by digital experts Applause after combing through half a billion online reviews, across 30 million apps worldwide. And they’re growing fast, in 180 different countries.

‘The dating scene is in a permanent state of flux and things change fast in the online dating world,’ says Jaumo co-founder Jens Kammerer. ‘We’re constantly seeing new trends and ways of behaving. We stay on top of those on a daily basis, so that we can flag them up and support our users.’

So, if you’re about to jump back into the dating fray, here’s the inside track on the latest dating terms from the dating experts Jaumo.

Plus we’ve got game-changing advice from world leading cyber-dating expert Julie Spira, who wrote The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online

Julie has got our backs with no-holds-barred advice on EXACTLY what to do in EVERY situation.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Cushioning

This is when you’re flirting with people despite being in a relationship, so that if things go wrong, you’ve got someone to cushion your fall. But what should you do if you suspect someone you’ve meet online is already taken?

Julie says: “I’d suggest looking at their social media to see if they’re in a relationship. If there are pictures of them in the arms of another it could be a kissing cousin or friend, but if it’s the same person over and over, they’re in a relationship. You have to ask yourself do you really want to carry on flirting? When people are flirting with you, even if it’s only digitally, but they’re in another relationship, that is emotional cheating.”

And if you catch your boyfriend at it, with his own online profile? “Then you need to have a conversation to see if you’re on the same page with what you want in your relationship. If not, I’m a big advocate of kicking somebody to the kerb if they’re going to cushion you.”

Caspering

“This is when you let someone down gently before vanishing from their life completely,” explains Jaumo co-founder Kammerer.

Julie says: “This is just somebody, who doesn’t want to be the bad guy. A lot of people are people pleasers, so they let you down gently and just start to see you less, and less, in the hope that you’ll get frustrated and end the relationship. So, you’re in a relationship, and you generally see each other every weekend, Friday and Saturday night and then, all of a sudden, there’s a family member coming to visit on a Saturday and they can’t get together and pretty soon it’s happening every week.

“To me that’s like ‘the dog ate the paper’ when you don’t have a dog. It’s usually an excuse and if it starts to happen more than once, it’s likely there’s someone else. So, if you notice that you’re getting moved to weekdays, don’t get demoted, gain your power and your self-esteem, and find another partner who’s going to be excited to say, ‘I’d like to be with you on the weekends, the whole weekend.'”

Fire-dooring

Seeing someone only on your terms and at your convenience (a fire-door only opens one way).

Julie says: “It’s a one-sided relationship and to me that can lead to depression and increased anxiety. If you’re not in a mutual partnership, this relationship is doomed and you’ll end up becoming over-attached, and needy, and anxious and that’s not attractive whatsoever.”

Freckling

“Just like freckles that show up in summer and vanish in the winter, this when you hook up with someone just for the summer and then vanish in autumn.

The scenario: Summer flings and summer romances have been around since the beginning of time. They’re abundant when the weather is warm and everyone is wearing less clothing. If it’s mutual and you’re having fun, then admit that you’re doing, it’s a fling and that’s it and enjoy it. The problems start if one person thinks, ‘Oh, I’m at the end of the summer and maybe I’ll get a deeper commitment’” If your date has said that that’s not what they want, then that’s unlikely to change.”

Phubbing

Snubbing someone you’re spending time with by paying more attention your phone than them.

Julie says: “This really has become the new ghosting. If you go on a date, you shouldn’t have your phone out, you should be putting your undivided attention and at the chances are, at the beginning of the relationship, you do that because you want to make a good impression. But once you get a little too comfy in a relationship, what happens is you go out, and out pops the phone and we don’t know whether they’re looking on the app for another date, we don’t know whether they’re just like checking the sports scores, or if they’re not developing a text relationship with someone else.

“But what we do know is that the phone has become a participant on the date, so it creates a love triangle – you, your partner and the telephone. And when the telephone joins you on the date, more often than not, it’s hard not to look over your date’s shoulder to wonder, ‘who are they texting, what are they doing?’ And it creates suspicion. If you’re on the receiving end of a phubbing say: ‘Oh I thought I was having a date with you, not you and your phone, it would really make me happy if you could put it away, because I put mine away already and I want to focus my attention on you’.”

Cuffing

When even avid singletons want to couple up for the winter months but never want to commit to anything past the winter.

Julie says: “If your date won’t commit to plans beyond Christmas that’s a red flag. If you’re enjoying cuddling up under the duvet, there’s no harm in it, just don’t set your heart on a summer wedding.”

Uncuffing

The opposite of cuffing – the summer and spring months when people end their relationships to play the field.

Julie season: “I think that people re-evaluate their relationships with the beginning of every season. It’s just the cycle of love.”

Zombieing

Ghosting someone and then resurfacing to rekindle things (with a vague and bad explanation for disappearing).

Julie says: “When someone disappears and comes back with a bad excuse like: ‘I’m sorry, I lost your number,’ or, ‘Oh, I had so much to do with work, it just wasn’t a good time for me.’ Don’t buy it, they met someone else and it ran its course.”

This article originally appeared on Healthista and was republished here with permission.