Category Archives: marriage advice
Amy Dickinson: Grandma might be drinking again
Dear Amy: My mother-in-law, “Jane,” is an alcoholic. She underwent surgery in 2015 and got a new liver and kidney, after being on dialysis and nearly losing her life.
Jane didn’t drink for a while after that, but in the last seven or eight months we have noticed that she seems to be drinking again.
Not only is she drinking, but her behavior seems strange. She is in her 60s and recently got two tattoos; she has stolen things from my home while my husband and I were there, and she has been spending my father-in-law’s money to buy random things online. He tries to cut her off from his bank accounts but always gives in.
She opens credit cards in her own name, buys frivolous things, and throws away the statements, with no intention of making payments.
My husband I do not trust her to be around our children. It’s hard for me to bite my tongue when she makes off-the-wall comments, and frankly I do not care to be around her at all. Although my husband’s entire family knows her behavior is not normal, no one says or does anything about it.
I’m not one to shut out family, but I don’t want my kids to be around this. Am I wrong to want to distance myself and my children from her? — Bothered Daughter-In-Law
Dear Bothered: I’m not sure how your mother-in-law’s tattoos or erratic spending habits would impact your children, but this is up to you two parents. Obviously, she should not be with children unless you are present.
I sense that you might be using access to your kids to launch your campaign to get someone — anyone — in this family to wake up and smell the booze.
Sometimes it takes an “outsider” (an in-law, for instance, who didn’t grow up in this enabling family system) to shine a torchlight on the obvious.
What you can’t do is be a one-woman rescue squad, mainly because these enabling family members will undermine and undo your efforts, possibly in very creative ways.
You can ask your mother-in-law: “Jane, I sense that you are drinking and hope you will get help to stop.”
You and your husband should attend Al-Anon meetings (al-anon.org). He, especially, will continue to wrestle with conflicted feelings regarding both of his parents’ behavior.
Dear Amy: My fiance recently told me that an old college friend sent him a Facebook friend request.
Turns out, the “friend” is a woman — someone he used to hook up with.
I actually thought it was a great idea for them to reconnect, because as he has aged and lost touch with so many friends (we are in our mid-50s).
A few days later, he told me he had a dream that they were meeting in Florida. I felt this was untruthful, and I secretly checked his text messages only to discover that they have been texting and making plans to meet for dinner.
When I confronted him, he said I’m being paranoid and that this is an innocent dinner between friends who haven’t seen each other in 30 years. I’m just not buying it, because he didn’t tell me about this contact until confronted.
He has since said that he won’t go to the dinner, but I think this is most likely BS too. I work at night and don’t have a way to know if he goes or not — unless I go snooping again.
We are supposed to get married in four months, and I’m semi-freaking out.
Am I overreacting? — Anxious Bride-To-Be
Dear Anxious: I can see why you are anxious. It would be easy for your guy to renew his friendship, while also building trust with you. All he has to do is to be honest about his plans, and include you as his partner. He is sneaky and you are snooping — and this is no way to start a marriage. Talk about it.
Dear Amy: I wonder whether the “Shutout” parents that wrote in about their son’s estrangement have done some real self-reflection to see their part in what has happened.
I am estranged from my mother. I endured years of emotional manipulation, bullying and undermining. I tried talking to her about it numerous times without success, but to this day she says she still doesn’t understand why I’ve stopped contact. These parents might be the common factor after all; not the son’s new girlfriend. I hope they take a good look at themselves. — Been There
Dear Been There: Absolutely.
How to Repair Your Marriage After One Partner Cheats
Affairs are atom bombs. They implode marriages, upend lives, ruin careers, and wither reputations. The fallout is awful. But, if you’re genuinely sorry and willing to put in the effort, it is possible to save your marriage. This requires humility, self-awareness, hard work, and, most of all honesty.
Even before an affair reaches its explosive place, it takes a severe emotional toll on the one doing the cheating. And, if you cheated (c’mon, man) and want to save your marriage, it’s essential to recognize — and react to — how those emotions manifest.
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The most pervasive emotion after an affair is, unsurprisingly, guilt. So says Lisa Bahar, a marriage and family therapist who has more than 20 years of experience. But what people don’t realize is how common it is for the guilt a cheater feels to make them turn on their partner as a means of projecting their shame and avoiding a confession.
“He starts to feel guilty and perhaps starts to pick fights with the wife,” she says. “He becomes suspicious of her, checking her phone, accusing her. And she’s like, ‘What is wrong with you? Why are you doing this?’”
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Of course, Bahar says, the immediate fallout from an affair can also bring with it a lot of mixed feelings, including shame that the cheater might have developed feelings for the person with whom they are cheating.
“There is also a lot of confusion,” she says, “due to the emotional bonding that took place that has a ‘forbidden,’ ‘secret’ element that creates in many cases ruminating thoughts and anxiety: ‘I just can’t stop thinking about him/her.’”
That guilt and shame, compounded with the fear of the consequences, forms a potent cocktail of emotions that keeps cheaters from confessing to their significant other. That is, of course, a mistake.
“Keeping it a secret is like having an affair with the secret,” she says. “It’s always going to be lurking and your partner is going to sense it. If you have one little area of yourself that you’re not sharing, that’s enough for it to wiggle back in.”
On top of all this, dwelling on the affair in one’s own head can lead to a shame spiral that can be very tough to pull out of. “It’s just fertile ground for anxiety, depression, self-loathing, shaming, perpetual guilt,” she says. “Which can lead to ways to cope like drinking, drugs, or porn.”
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So, after an affair, what positive steps should someone take to try to save their marriage? The only course of action, per Bahar, is to come clean and face the problem head-on. Keeping any details omitted, she says, will only allow the affair to continue, even if it’s on an emotional level.
“Affairs survive in secrecy,” says Bahar. “And they become more tantalizing and interesting and exciting when they’re not being put on the table, taken apart, and looked at. The goal is to not get too far into the minutiae and more into, ‘Okay, what is this that happened and how do we work through it?’”
Working through infidelity almost always requires professional intervention, Bahar says, preferably someone who is pro-marriage and not about each person seeking out their own happiness. It’s also important for the one who’s cheating to take responsibility and also show their partner that they’re willing to take the necessary steps to heal the relationship. Those steps could include “picking up the cost for counseling, showing up for counseling, doing counseling homework, attending personal therapy, maybe even love addiction meetings,” says Bahar. “This decreases the ‘sensational high’ of the affair; it is no longer laced in secrecy and it’s less exciting.”
Also, Bahar stressed that couples need to identify what it is that triggered the affair in the first place. What was missing and what drove the other partner to cheat? “It is important for both spouses to learn about what the affair represented through individual and couples counseling,” she says. “Remember, these acts of infidelity survive in the fantasy world of the mind and are not viable relationships that can sustain in the ‘real world.’”
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Before the healing can really begin, however, Bahar says that the cheater has to sever all ties with the other woman (or man). This is a skill called “opposite action,” which Bahar teaches in her Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) courses.
“You want to do the opposite of what the affair is asking you to do,” she says. This means you must block the person’s phone number and delete the phone number after blocking it; remove yourself from social media; stop posting on Facebook (take the icon off your phone).”The affair needs to get fed,” says Bahar. “So no contact. Do not go to locations that you shared. Do not look at pictures that you had together. Destroy all love notes and exchanges. Action, action, action. Go to therapy, communicate with your wife. Be present with family. It will decrease the intensity of the attraction.”
There’s no way around it: An affair will take its toll on you and your relationship. And it’s most likely that you will feel its after-effects for some time. But, Bahar says that if you can take these steps, then you can hopefully come out the other side. “An affair will wiggle and tap for the rest of your life,” she says, “but if you keep closing the door, the intensity decreases over time.”
Michelle Malkin: Shared wisdom on a silver anniversary
Updated 16 hours ago
To commemorate my 25th wedding anniversary last week to my husband, Jesse, I asked readers on Facebook to share their own secrets to a long, happy marriage.
In short, the crowdsourced recipe for marital endurance includes faith, forgiveness, romance, kindness, selflessness and a healthy dose of humor. A union built to last begins with a promise and persists through compromise and commitment. It is about keeping your word, choosing the right words and knowing when no words are necessary.
Teri L. emphasized: “Marriage is WORK. You have to put effort into it. You have to love and nurture the relationship. It has to be priority. You have to respect it.”
Cathy G. advised: “Be careful with your words. Once they are out in the universe, there is no taking them back. And laugh — a lot! 41 years and counting.”
Vincent O. opined: The “key to a long marriage is forgiveness and understanding. You must also end your arguments and misunderstandings the same day. Never let it linger.”
Tony G. kept it short and simple: “53 years ago, I learned how to say, ‘Yes, Love.’ ”
Marie G. also administered pithy wisdom: “30 years. It’s all about RESPECT.”
Hugh W. counseled: “Our secret to a long marriage: I always let my wife think she’s in charge!”
Terence C. gave the opposite instruction: “As far as a secret to a successful marriage, I always tell everyone: ‘My wife lets me think I am the boss!’ ”
Walt S. weighed in: “50 years here … keep God and common sense in your marriage. Simplicity, Trust and Utility inside of our wedding bands.”
Pamela N. shared: “We celebrated our 51st last March. My advice is to apologize when you’re wrong and forgive when you are wronged. Don’t throw in the towel when hardships come. Hang on. There will be hills and valleys … and beautiful meadows. Embrace it all together.”
Robert S. reflected: “Will be married 50 years this August 2018. I carry a picture of my wife that I have had for over 51 (years).” She “sent it to me when I was in Vietnam. I look at that picture every day to remind me why I married her. It hasn’t failed me yet.”
Barbara M. posted: “Never take each other for granted and make memories, even if it’s just dancing to a tune on the radio in the kitchen.”
Stark G. suggested: “Commit to the relationship voyage” and “always remember that this is a LONG-TERM voyage.” Moreover, “never forget that you are not an Adonis or a diva. Your partner didn’t have to marry you. They did you a favour.” And “go out for a coffee or a drink once a week to remind each other that you are still a couple.”
Joan H. noted: “My 25th was spent with my husband in a nursing home dining room where the staff had prepared a beautiful meal in a private room. I think my advice for a long lasting marriage is believing and living the part of your vows that say ‘in sickness and in health,’ because you just are never prepared or know what the future holds.”
From my mom and dad, who marked their 48th wedding anniversary this spring: “Today, as you reflect on the 25 years of journey through your married life, you can rejoice, be grateful, and take pride in all that you have accomplished and weathered together. Marriage indeed is hard work, but it becomes lighter when lived in love and perseverance, with patience and humility.”
Finally, Neil S. joked: “Never be stupid at the same time.”
We’ll take it all to heart. Stay tuned for another longevity update in 25 years.
Michelle Malkin is host of “Michelle Malkin Investigates” on CRTV.com.
I'm a financial planner and I follow 2 money rules to keep my marriage healthy
Author not pictured. DGLimages/Shutterstock
Experts say the two things that most couples argue about the most are sex and money. While I can’t help you much with the former, I can share a few tips that might help with the latter.
My husband and I are both on our second marriage, and we had our fair share of disagreements over money when we were first married. Luckily, over the past 12 years working as a certified financial planner, I’ve helped many couples navigate the tricky waters of managing their finances together and ultimately avoid fighting about money. I had a bag full of tips and tricks that I would suggest to these couples, and I ultimately came home one day to propose we adopt some of the “best of the best” advice I had doled out.
Making this a partnership
While there’s never a surefire way to avoid all of the dreaded money talks you can have as a couple, we’ve found a way to remove the stigma from the topic of money. It’s gotten us on the same page and helped us create a true partnership around our finances. Keep reading for the two rules that we’ve put in place that have transformed our relationship. My hope is they will work in yours as well.
Rule 1: Set a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ spending limit
I’ve found that most couples at one point or another tend to argue over the amount that their partner or spouse has spent on an item. Haven’t we all been guilty of sneaking a purchase into the house so our partner wouldn’t see we went shopping? Haven’t we also been blindsided by a partner’s unexpected purchase?
Since we’re two different people, we’re also going to come into the relationship with two different ideas of what “expensive” and “affordable” mean. We found that an easy way to squash money arguments over the amount of money the other person spent on an item was to set a “don’t ask, don’t tell” spending limit. The rules are simple and straightforward:
- We can buy whatever we wish without talking to the other person for any purchase below $150 monthly.
- Anything we want to purchase over $150 requires a check-in with the other person to make sure it’s one we’re going to be OK with.
The numbers in the equation should be specific to you and your partner, but the concept is universal. This rule requires you as a couple to sit down and find shared goals around money and develop trust with the other person.
Rule 2: Create a weekly spending plan
The second rule goes out to anyone who isn’t a fan of the word “budget.” We decided that since that word conjured up adverse reactions in our house, we’d throw it out completely. Instead, we’d talk about our finances as a “spending plan” or a “roadmap” — one that will get us closer to our goals.
Even for a money expert like myself, a monthly budget can be daunting and hard to keep up with. There’s a lot that goes on in a month, and it’s easy to become lazy and not pay attention to where your money is going. To remedy any arguments, we devised a weekly spending plan instead.
Here is what our weekly spending plan looks like:
- Each month, we figure out how much we can spend on our variable expenses, such as dining out, shopping, groceries, entertainment, etc.
- Once we have that number, we divide it by the number of weeks in that month and come up with our weekly spending limit.
- We then pre-pay our credit card each week for that specific amount and use the credit card during the week for all our expenses.
- Once we hit the limit, we’ve got a choice to make: We accept we’re going over budget and borrow from next week’s number, or we stop spending for that week.
Again, the numbers don’t matter, but the spending plan keeps us both focused on our weekly goals and gives us a marker so we’re not going over budget each week. Not only that, but it creates a partnership around our finances where we both can take ownership of our spending and, ultimately, our savings goals. That’s a win for any couple looking to get on the same money page.
Shannah Compton Game, a certified financial planner professional with an MBA, is an award-winning financial strategist on a mission to revolutionize how millennials think, act, and feel about their finances. She is the host of the iTunes podcast “Millennial Money,” with listeners in 164 countries and over 500,000 downloads a month.
