Category Archives: marriage advice
A wedding photographer's take on broken engagements
While I’m away, readers give the advice.
On engagements broken after the deposits are paid:
I run a photography studio, and we’ve documented over 1,000 weddings. I’ve had about 3 percent of all couples break up prior to the wedding.
One of my favorite turnaround stories came a few years ago. The couple broke up just six weeks prior. Everyone’s flight and tickets were paid. The bride’s family decided to have a party at another venue. They still had me document the festivities, and it became an empowering night to start fresh surrounded by loved ones. This same bride connected with me three years later and I successfully documented her nuptials. (I like this new groom much better, too.)
Many vendors will offer some relief, discount, or in our case, to use your credit in a future shoot. You may also be able to donate your services to a nonprofit, or a friend in need. None of these options is ideal, but this is an opportunity to show resilience and a great heart.
– J.
On the agonies of picking out gifts:
I always give my progeny what they most desire: cash! I get a warm hug and it’s over. I’m not worried about giving an item that will bring warm, fuzzy memories to them after I’m gone. I won’t mind … I’ll be deader ‘n a carp.
– Texas Grandpa
On taking the drama out of drama:
I grew up as an only child. I was put in the awkward position of planning my father’s funeral with a stepmother whom I’d just met. During the planning process, my stepmother asked, “So, should we invite your sisters?”
Um, what?
“You know, your half-sisters. From his first marriage.”
Read more:
After doing a bit of detective work, I found out that my mother knew, my mother’s family knew – everyone knew but me. My half-siblings knew who I was. Mind. Blown.
I met my half-sisters for the first time at my father’s funeral. And that was the last time I saw them. Although we exchanged pleasantries during the funeral, and they encouraged me to keep in touch, we came to unspoken agreement that this would be the last time we’d see each other. They’d lived their lives for decades doing nothing to reach out despite knowing of my existence; meeting them didn’t do anything to change the fact that I wasn’t really part of their lives. Half-siblings don’t really change my worldview as an only child. That’s how I grew up, that’s how my parents treated me, and that’s the way I’ve lived for the better part of three decades.
Sometimes you just open Pandora’s box and find there’s nothing all that interesting inside.
– AK
On nurturing bonds with your kids:
Save “No” for when it really matters. I had a child at age 37 and this was my credo.
I’m now 65 and I think, aside from loving her, my daughter benefited most from this.
– K.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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Neal and Isabel Olkives celebrate 65 years of marriage
RIB LAKE, Wis. (WSAW) — From 1953 to 2018, Neal and Isabel Olkives have been married, and are still going strong. On July 4th 1953, Neal and Isabel said “I do”.
In Rib Lake on Saturday, family and friends of Neal and Isabel gathered to celebrate this marriage milestone.
“People celebrate Independence day for the country got our independence on July fourth… I lost mine” joked Neal Olkives.
“I actually think it’s Mom’s tolerance of Dad’s sense of humor” said daughter Krissy Emmerich.
Neal and Isabel had dated each other for two years before tying the knot.
“She had a brother who got married ten days before us, and another one that got married three weeks after us. And we kind of fit it right in then” explained Neal regarding the date of their wedding.
“It’s just the little things that they would do with one another that you knew they were truly in love. And I mean, when they hit their fiftieth, and sixtieth, it just kind of blows your mine. And now, it’s they sixty fifth, they’re just as silly together and they’re just as loving together, and it’s great to be in this big of a room, and sometimes you realize that they’re not thinking of anyone else but the two of them together” said grandson Daniel Olkives.
“You see them holding hands, walking together. They still, you know, Dad will put his arm around Mom, give her a little pat. And you got to love it and they’re together twenty four seven” added Krissy.
When asked for advice for couples who want to be married as long as they have, Neal offered a simple piece of advice.
“Don’t let the honeymoon end” smiled Neal.
Neal and Isabel entire wedding party was able to attend the celebration, along with Neal and Isabels children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and the rest of the extended family.
Dear Abby: Romantic wedding dreams dim in tug-of-war over marriage
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, “Pierre,” and I have been a couple for 18 months. We moved in together three months ago. The trouble is, Pierre is French, and he doesn’t believe in marriage. He says it’s an “outdated institution and a social construct.” He also claims that no one in France gets married. My parents are very religious, and they do not support us living in sin. They say if we have a child out of wedlock, they will cut me off completely. What should I do? I love my family, but I also love Pierre. And I’ve always dreamed of having a romantic wedding with my father walking me down the aisle. I know Pierre is committed to me, but he dislikes the institution of marriage and won’t budge on this. I’m 34 and my biological clock is ticking. Any advice will be appreciated. — CONFLICTED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CONFLICTED: Pierre has given you fair warning and so have your parents. Marriage exists in France just as it does here in the USA. That Pierre doesn’t believe in it should be an indication that the two of you have very different definitions of what a committed relationship is, and it may be partly cultural in nature. How do you feel about that? I think it’s sad that the parents of a 34-year-old woman would threaten to cut her off if she decided to have a child without being married. If you can support one, that choice should be yours and not theirs. My advice is to stop dreaming about a romantic wedding with your father walking you down the aisle unless you can find a man with a different view of commitment than Pierre appears to have. P.S. I once had a poodle named Pierre. He and I got along fine and marriage was never discussed.
DEAR ABBY: My mom and many others share this problem. She refuses to throw away expired food. I’m not talking about something a few days past its “best used by” date; I’m talking YEARS. Yesterday, I found a box of bread crumbs that had expired in 2001 (I took a picture). Mom insisted that they “never really go bad.” I told her she had better hope she isn’t the beneficiary of the life insurance policy of anyone who eats them or she could end up as an episode of “Snapped.” Seriously, though, this is a huge problem for the elderly. I hope you will encourage your readers to help their older friends and family members by cleaning out their fridge and cabinets. I always check the expiration date before eating anything at my mom’s. Thank you! — DATE CHECKER
DEAR DATE CHECKER: Your mother is mistaken. While it is safe to consume some foods a few weeks past their expiration date, other items begin to lose their nutritional value or spoil. I’m glad you wrote. I’m printing your letter for other readers whose older relatives think the way your mother does, so they can check the expiration dates on packages in their relatives’ cupboards (and remove any bulging or rusted cans that could cause botulism, a fatal illness).
Husband is a creep; it's time to get out
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for eight years. My first marriage ended because my ex was a serial cheater and all-around creep. “Mike” seemed to be the exact opposite.
However, shortly after we were married, I found out he was checking out dating sites. I confronted him, and he deleted his accounts.
Then, about two years ago, I found out he and a 22-year-old co-worker had a sexting relationship. I was going to file for divorce, but he promised me he would stop.
I insisted we go to counseling, and we went a few times. He said he had never been physically unfaithful to me. I warned him that this was strike two and that three strikes and he would be out.
A few months later, I checked his Twitter account and was disgusted by the sleazy women he was communicating with. Strike three. He pleaded with me to stay. Eventually, he deleted his Twitter account and promised to stay on the straight and narrow.
A few months ago, while paying our cellphone bill, I glanced at the record of his text messages. I found several texts sent in the middle of the night to an 18-year-old high school girl whom he used to work with. Can you tell me any good reason a 60-year-old man should be texting an 18-year-old girl he does not even work with anymore?
I am getting up the courage to confront my husband about this and to most likely go through another gut-wrenching divorce.
Why am I writing to you? I guess it’s just to validate my feelings — to tell me I don’t deserve this.
By the way, I have never cheated on him in any way. He reads your column every day in the paper. If you would agree that a 60-year-old man reaching out to girls younger than his own daughters is creepy, he might listen.
But I’m not holding my breath.
— Deja Vu in Wisconsin
Dear Deja Vu: If you’re looking for someone to tell you your husband’s behavior is creepy, you have come to the right place. His behavior is very creepy.
The first text with a 22-year-old woman from work should have tipped you off. You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who is preoccupied with relationships with others. It’s time to pack your bags and head out. It might cause you pain in the short term, but in the long run, you will be liberating yourself from a lifetime of lies and deception.
Dear Annie: This is in response to “Child-Free and Tired of Judgment.” My husband and I have been married for over 40 years and chose to not have children. We were told repeatedly we would regret that decision. I can tell you truthfully that we have no regrets. We’ve always told people we are selfish and want to do the things people with kids just can’t pick up and do.
All those people who had kids — some wish they hadn’t had them, and that’s a burden, financially and psychologically, that can’t be reversed. Some have the joy of a lifetime to cherish children and grandchildren. When feasible, always re-evaluate your position. But know that the childless position you have chosen could be spot on for you.
— Childless With No Regrets
Dear Childless With No Regrets: I’m printing your letter so that it might offer comfort to anyone facing criticism for not having children — though I take issue with your calling yourself selfish. Having children out of peer pressure would have been selfish. You and your husband made the right choice for yourselves.
Annie Lane, a graduate of New York Law School and New York University, writes this column for Creators Syndicate. Email questions to dearannie@creators.com.
