Category Archives: marriage advice
Dear Abby: Wife endures verbal abuse in loveless marriage
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to “Oscar” for more than 30 years. He has been inattentive for more than 25 of those years. Over the last 15 years, I have found erectile dysfunction medications in his vehicles. Oscar claims he knows nothing about them. He lies constantly, even when the evidence is right in front of him. When I ask him if he is seeing other women, he claims to be impotent and tells me I am crazy.
I had an affair at 55 to try to raise my self-esteem. I once was very beautiful and even now, at age 68, I look quite good. I have stayed with my husband out of habit in spite of his hurtful comments and lack of affection.
Oscar has told me that if I need affection, “go get a job in a whorehouse.” I have had three back surgeries in less than a year, and when I cry with pain, he gets annoyed and tells me to cut it out.
He’s a narcissist and not much to look at. He goes out of his way to please strangers to make himself look good, but when I need a hand, I’m a “b—-,” and my husband doesn’t lift a finger. Advice, please! – UNHAPPY IN NEW YORK
DEAR UNHAPPY: You have put up with this for how long? Your relationship with this man (I hesitate to call him a “husband”) is clearly loveless. Instead of asking me for advice, look within and ask yourself, “Is this really the way I want to spend the rest of my life?” When the chips are down and you need Oscar’s help, he not only turns his back but also calls you a b—- for asking.
Because you know he’s cheating, hire a private detective for a month and find out who with. Then talk to a lawyer about what your rights are as a wronged wife in New York.
DEAR ABBY: My 35-year-old stepson has moved back into my home so many times I have lost count. I ask only that he keep his bedroom clean, himself clean, help around the house and look for work. He got married last January and was recently escorted to my home by the local police. His new wife had taken out a restraining order against him.
I was unemployed for two years, but recently found a new job. It’s a start, but things are tight financially, and my wife had to assume the role of provider, which I dislike immensely. That’s why I hate talking to her about this issue with her son.
I have asked – pleaded – to no avail, and now have run out of polite ways to tell him to get out. I don’t want him to feel unwelcome, but I’m feeling very used. – FEELING USED
DEAR FEELING USED: Your feelings are accurate. And as much as you might hate it, talk to your wife about what her son is doing. At 35, he should have long been able to find lodgings other than under your roof.
By allowing her son to live (rent-free, I assume) under the conditions you have described, she’s enabling it to continue for the foreseeable future. Unless changes are made, it could ruin your marriage. A first step should be to set a date by which her adult son should move out and insist he get help for the issue that led to the restraining order.
Abby: Wife endures verbal abuse in loveless marriage
Dear Abby: I have been married to “Oscar” for more than 30 years. He has been inattentive for more than 25 of those years. Over the last 15 years, I have found erectile dysfunction medications in his vehicles. Oscar claims he knows nothing about them. He lies constantly, even when the evidence is right in front of him. When I ask him if he is seeing other women, he claims to be impotent and tells me I am crazy.
I had an affair at 55 to try to raise my self-esteem. I once was very beautiful and even now, at age 68, I look quite good. I have stayed with my husband out of habit in spite of his hurtful comments and lack of affection.
Oscar has told me that if I need affection, “go get a job in a whorehouse.” I have had three back surgeries in less than a year, and when I cry with pain, he gets annoyed and tells me to cut it out.
He’s a narcissist and not much to look at. He goes out of his way to please strangers to make himself look good, but when I need a hand, I’m a “b––,” and my husband doesn’t lift a finger. Advice, please!
Unhappy in New York
Dear Unhappy: You have put up with this for how long? Your relationship with this man (I hesitate to call him a “husband”) is clearly loveless. Instead of asking me for advice, look within and ask yourself, “Is this really the way I want to spend the rest of my life?” When the chips are down and you need Oscar’s help, he not only turns his back, but also calls you a b– for asking.
Because you know he’s cheating, hire a private detective for a month and find out who with. Then talk to a lawyer about what your rights are as a wronged wife in New York.
Dear Abby: My 35-year-old stepson has moved back into my home so many times I have lost count. I ask only that he keep his bedroom clean, himself clean, help around the house and look for work. He got married last January and was recently escorted to my home by the local police. His new wife had taken out a restraining order against him.
I was unemployed for two years, but recently found a new job. It’s a start, but things are tight financially, and my wife had to assume the role of provider, which I dislike immensely. That’s why I hate talking to her about this issue with her son.
I have asked — pleaded — to no avail, and now have run out of polite ways to tell him to get out. I don’t want him to feel unwelcome, but I’m feeling very used.
Feeling Used
Dear Feeling Used: Your feelings are accurate. And as much as you might hate it, talk to your wife about what her son is doing. At 35, he should have long been able to find lodgings other than under your roof.
By allowing her son to live (rent-free, I assume) under the conditions you have described, she’s enabling it to continue for the foreseeable future. Unless changes are made, it could ruin your marriage.
A first step should be to set a date by which her adult son should move out and insist he get help for the issue that led to the restraining order.
Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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This couple celebrated every anniversary at Burger King for 50 years
Husband and wife Lloyd and Sandi Howard of Monroe, New Jersey, have given each other the royal treatment on their wedding anniversary for the past 50 years — literally.
That’s because the couple have celebrated their anniversary at Burger King every year since they tied the knot in 1968. What started as an unplanned, last-minute dinner has turned into an annual tradition.
“The first year they were married, they were running late to see a show in the city [Manhattan], and there was a Burger King on the corner,” Tracy Gorelczenko, one of the Howards’ daughters, told TODAY Food.
The couple stopped in for a quick bite. A year later, Lloyd and Sandi happened to find themselves in a similar situation on their anniversary.
This IHOP waiter helps woman with Huntington’s disease eat and we’re in tears
Play Video – 0:36
This IHOP waiter helps woman with Huntington’s disease eat and we’re in tears
Play Video – 0:36
“I forget where we were going, but it was around lunchtime, and we realized that it just happened to be our anniversary,” Lloyd told TODAY. “We just figured — maybe for good luck — that we’d just keep going back on our anniversary.”
Decades later, the Howards have kept the tradition going strong. It’s taken some effort, but the couple has made sure to grab some type of meal from a Burger King on the actual day of their anniversary each year. This year, they both celebrated with Whoppers.
Lloyd Howard
“The funniest thing is, one time, in all those years, I was sick,” Sandi told TODAY. “I couldn’t go out and he brought the food in.”
Gorelczenko even said that her parents dropped by the fast-food chain on the night of her high school graduation, which coincidentally fell on the same day as their anniversary. So this year, for their 50th anniversary, Gorelczenko decided to do something really special for the couple.
Lloyd Howard
When the Howards arrived at the fast food chain for their annual Burger King anniversary meal, a surprise was waiting for them: their two daughters and six grandchildren, who happen to be quadruplets and twins.
“They were all there, and they’d never met us at Burger King before — it was a total surprise,” said Sandi. “We were just floored. The most important thing was to be with them.”
Lloyd Howard
As the couple looks forward to the next 50 years, they shared some important marriage advice: “Try to keep up communication,” said Sandi.
Lloyd added, “Just stay out of the same room.” But perhaps, most importantly, always going to a Burger King on your anniversary is part of the secret sauce for true love.
How to put the spark back in your marriage, according to a dating coach
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Matthew Hussey says his professional mission is to help you find love. Though his books and YouTube channel tend to focus on the affairs of the heart of millennial men and women looking for love in an increasingly complicated digital age, the 31-year-old Brit says he likes giving dating and relationship advice simply because it appeals to everyone. “There is literally no one on earth who isn’t interested in relationship dynamics, or how to meet someone special. Or if they’ve already met someone special, how to make that relationship as good as it can be. It’s a universal subject,” Hussey says.
In fact, Hussey believes the things we want most from our relationship remain the same from the first date to “I do” to binge watching Netflix on a boring Saturday night. We sat down with the love guru to find out what he knows about keeping the spark alive — and how to reignite it.
This interview was edited for clarity.
BETTER: What are we really looking for in a relationship?
Hussey: Phew, big question. I think people don’t want be alone. Ultimately, we want to feel connected. We want to feel like there is someone who actually sees us in the world. That’s the big thing: to be seen. How many people actually feel seen?
That quote in Avatar: “I see you.” There’s something really powerful about that. Because when we feel seen, we feel accepted. We feel acknowledged for who we are. And very few times in our life do we feel seen. But we have the potential, the hope of that, in a wonderful relationship.
BETTER: Does that need to be seen change over time?
Hussey: I don’t think the idea of being seen changes in its importance. I think it’s always true. When relationships start to have problems, it’s almost always because we don’t feel seen by that person anymore. You can have someone in a 20-year marriage, and they felt more understood by their partner ten years ago than they do today. We assume our partners aren’t growing. Our partners are growing. They’re changing. They’re evolving. The mistake is thinking that they’re not.
I can’t say I know you this year because I knew you three years ago. I have to be getting to know you all the time. That’s what it is to truly see someone. I still need to be curious. Ten years into a marriage I should still be asking you, “What are your goals?” If I assume it’s the same stuff from three years ago, then I’m not truly seeing you. So I don’t think that urge to be seen changes. But I think we take that for granted if we’ve been together long enough. Familiarity isn’t the same thing as true understanding.
BETTER: How do you keep the fizz from fizzling?
Hussey: People have to understand, and one of my good friends, Esther Perel, talks about this in her book, “Mating in Captivity”, there is a big difference between love and desire. Love is something where we’re coming together. We’re getting closer. We’re becoming one.
And when you think about it, early on in a relationship, everything is a gravitational pull towards being close. But desire is the other component we need in a relationship. Desire exists in the space between two people. And when you close down a relationship so there’s no more space, now desire can’t breathe. So it gets suffocated.
And that happens in long-term relationships. You have a marriage that breaks down often, not because there’s a lack of love, but because there’s a lack of desire. And so the tricky part is we have to do what seems completely unnatural, which is to sometimes grow ourselves, or do something that helps our partner see us as mysterious again. And it could be something simple. It doesn’t have to be taking time away from your partner. It could be your partner’s never known you to dance, and tonight you take a salsa class. Just enough for your partner to go, “Huh?” Now all of a sudden your partner’s like, “There’s something different about you today.”
BETTER: What is this “space between” you keep talking about?
Hussey: Love is closeness. Desire is what creates closeness, right? Because the more we desire someone, the more we want to bring them closer. But desire is created in the space between two people. It’s the mystery of getting to know someone.
Matthew Hussey, dating coach and author of “How to Get the Guy” Angie Myers
Love is “I know you.” Desire is “I want to know you.” So it’s understanding those little mechanisms that make us still mysterious, even to someone that we’ve known our whole lives. And that’s not just true of an intimate relationship. It’s true of our brothers, our sisters, our mothers … our kids.
People in their relationships, they think, “I’ve got my person now. I did it. I won. Now I’m going to focus on my job.” You’re an idiot. Because that [relationship] will get average, and it will die if you take that approach. Your relationship has to be a place where there is zero arrogance. No sense of entitlement. Nothing you take for granted. It has to be a place where you completely kill your ego and come every day saying, “How can I be great for you?” And that’s something people don’t do.
BETTER: What are the signs that the space is closing?
Hussey: Any time you’re with your partner and you assume that you know everything about them is a dangerous point in the relationship. That’s when people get complacent and comfortable.
Every day we should wake up and say, “How do I impress my partner today? How could I be a little less predictable today?” It could be simple stuff.
People get so grandiose in their mind about what they need to do to shake up their relationship. If I call you beautiful, but then today instead of saying beautiful, which I say all the time, I say, “You look hot today,” just a change in language can make someone go, “You never call me hot. That’s different.”
Although you may have said it’s forever, nothing is forever unless you actually commit to working on it every day.
But if you have stopped asking the questions, “How do I impress my partner?” or “How do I flirt with my partner today?” now you’re in trouble. Because it means you’re taking for granted that this relationship is forever. And although you may have said it’s forever, nothing is forever unless you actually commit to working on it every day.
BETTER: Do you believe you can fall in love with someone “all over again?”
Hussey: It happens all the time. The saddest part about it is often you see it in moments where damage has already been done, or it’s too late. Or after they’ve broken up. Someone will break up with somebody, and after three months apart they suddenly get enough distance to see the space between them again, and to see them as who they are again, instead of just, “This is my person.”
And seeing that person in that light again — snap! — creates that same instinct that they had first time round. If you want someone to see you new again, remember what it was you did at the beginning of the relationship. You probably had hobbies. You probably had things that made you independently you.
It’s all about those things that we did in the beginning, and working them into a relationship. The key to an amazing relationship is never stop flirting with your partner. But people do. Proust said the the journey of discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes, but in seeing with new eyes. Too many times in relationships people are seeking a new landscape when what they really need to be doing is seeing with new eyes.
