Category Archives: marriage advice

Carolyn Hax: Adult children sometimes need advice

  Marriage & Divorce, marriage advice

It’s OK for parents to give their grown offspring a talking to, as long as they use this power sparingly and judiciously.

By Carolyn HaxWashington Post Writers Group

Dear Carolyn:

 I am very concerned about my adult son and his relationship with his second wife.

Bear with me — I know he’s an adult! But his first marriage failed, more to do with her, but he wasn’t blameless. Now he’s married to a fabulous woman, and there are two adorable babies as well. But I see him doing the same kinds of things as before, and wife No. 2 has shared her growing frustration with me. They’ve done some couple’s counseling, but it’s erratic. He promises to do things differently, but doesn’t follow through. His wife has bent over backward to come up with solutions for their issues — she is really trying.

 I see her frustration increasing; I don’t know how much more time she’s willing to put into this.

 I know this isn’t my marriage, I know they are adults, but would it be completely terrible if I had a private talk with my son and pointed out how close he is to losing everything? Or should I just butt out and be there to pick up the pieces when things fall apart?

– Worried Mom

Parents have outsize power, so they must be mindful of that and know their place, especially since it changes over the course of their children’s lives.

 Their place when children are grown is not to avoid using that power altogether — it’s to use it judiciously and unselfishly.

 If you were to speak up here, it would not be because you want your son to do X or Y to please you. It would be purely for him: to wake him up to the soon-to-be runaway train of his wife’s frustration, and to the consequences of him not cooperating fully in calming things down.

 As always when meddling like this, you get to use your power clearly, compassionately, where it really counts, and only once.

“It’s your life, but it’s also our shared history, so humor me. Your wife is trying to get your attention and close to losing her patience. She has said as much, but I’d seen it myself. 

“If she does lose it, then you lose everything.

 “It would be on my conscience if that happened because you didn’t see it coming. So, I’m speaking up. But now it’s up to you.”

 Then you butt out — and hope there’s no more falling apart to clean up.

Trust granddaughters’ decisions

Dear Carolyn,

Our granddaughters are working, and living with their boyfriends, seemingly in loving relationships. Is there a way of giving money to encourage them to get married?

 – Granny and Grandpa

Giving money to grandchildren is a great way to build your bond and secure their future. Social-engineering your grandchildren through money is a great way to strain your bond and have little effect on their future.

Maybe my memory fails me, but I can’t think of a single occasion where loving and judging someone actually produced the intended outcome. The judging always infuses the love with a bitter aftertaste.

 Meanwhile, couples who believe they have a good reason not to be married … have a good reason not to be married. Trust that, please.

 Per your brief description, your granddaughters are not in crisis; trust them, too, to sort things out on their own.

— Write to Carolyn Hax in care of The Providence Journal Features Department, 75 Fountain St., Providence, RI 02902, or email tellme@washpost.com.

Baptist leader Paige Patterson stands by his controversial advice to spousal abuse victims

  Marriage & Divorce, marriage advice

Evangelical leader Paige Patterson is defending remarks he made 18 years ago about how women should respond to abuse in marriage after a recording of his counsel began recirculating on the internet.

Patterson, 75, is credited with helping lead a conservative takeover of the Southern Baptist Convention from more centrist leaders that started in 1979. He served as president of Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary in Wake Forest from 1998-99 and is now president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, Texas.

In the recording, reported to have been made at a conference in 2000, Patterson said he often was asked how women should handle spousal abuse. Patterson said he had never counseled anyone to seek a divorce and that he considered that always to be “wrong counsel.” He said that “all abuse is serious,” but that in cases where the abuse “was serious enough, dangerous enough, immoral enough,” would he counsel a couple to temporarily separate and seek help.

In the recording, he said he had once counseled a woman whose husband did not want her to go to church. Patterson said he suggested the woman kneel by the bed at night and pray for her husband, but warned that the husband might get angry if he heard the prayer, and retaliate.

On a subsequent Sunday, Patterson said, the woman came to church bearing evidence of physical abuse — in the recording, he said she had two black eyes — and told him, “I hope you’re happy.”

In recounting the events, Patterson said he was happy — not that the woman had suffered physical abuse but because her husband had been moved by his own abhorrent actions to come to church that day and make a public decision to follow Christ.

Patterson said the couple lived together happily from then on, and that the woman herself would use the story in her testimony.

The recording has been shared many times since it was made. After it was posted again on Saturday, Bruce Ashford, provost of Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, said on Twitter, “Lots of social media convo this afternoon about spousal abuse. As the Provost of a SBC seminary and pastor at a SBC church, let me be clear: a physically abused woman should separate from her husband and have him put in jail. “

Southeastern’s president, Danny Akin, retweeted Ashford’s remark and another one by the convention’s Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood that said, “We believe that abuse is not only a sin but is also a crime. It is destructive and evil. Abuse is a hallmark of the devil and is in direct opposition to the purposes of God. Abuse must not to be tolerated in the Christian community.”

Twitter responses to the discussion have ranged from people saying the only biblically acceptable justification for divorce is infidelity, to someone pointing out that, “Jesus doesn’t beat his bride.”

In a story about the resurgent recording, The Washington Post said Patterson declined to comment, emailing that, “I have said enough.”

He told a version of the story about the woman and her spouse again in a release on Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary’s website on Sunday. Patterson is a defendant in a lawsuit filed last year in Texas on behalf of a man who says he was sexually abused for years by a Baptist leader and that the abuse was allowed to go on, in part, because of the church’s structure, which Patterson helped shape.

Patterson said in the release that, “For the past several months, my life and the lives of my family have been subjected to rigorous misrepresentation.

“For the record,” he wrote, “I have never been abusive to any woman. I have never counseled or condoned abuse of any kind.”

He recounted the case mentioned in the recording and stood by the advice he had given the woman.

“I was making the application that God often uses difficult things that happen to us to produce ultimate good,” Patterson wrote Sunday. “And I will preach that truth until I die.”

Bridal Advice: From 12 years of experience

  Marriage & Divorce, marriage advice

Emma Shinnick is marketing manager and venue coordinator for Deer Creek Valley Ranch (deercreekvalleyranch.com) in Bailey, Colorado

Planning a wedding is stressful. At least, that’s what everyone says. It’s true too.

This is an emotional time and thrusts you into the midst of, what seems like a thousand details, endless opinions from others and pressure to do it exactly right all by yourself.

It doesn’t have to be this way, though. Why not change things up a little? How about you take some time to decide, right now, that the process of wedding planning and the wedding itself will not be stressful for you? It is possible to decrease, and perhaps eliminate completely, the stress that comes with planning your wedding, and I am going to give you some tips on how to do it.

These three little words, if taken to heart, could transform the way we look at wedding planning and wedding stress in general. All you need is flexibility, delegation and a good sense of reality.

After talking to and working with countless brides and couples over the last 12 years, one of the things that I am most surprised at is how inflexible and unwilling to compromise they are. Does

everything in your everyday life go perfectly all the time? Are those imperfect moments always terrible? NO! Why would your wedding planning be completely perfect?

Perfect is overrated. I’m not trying to be critical, but trying to get

you to think about how much less stressed you would be if, when

something occurs that you hadn’t anticipated, you look for ways to compromise and tweak things. If you look at this tiny bump in the road as preparation for your marriage to come and handle it in a way that shows your future husband or wife that you can be

flexible and work through problems with grace. How much more confident will your fiance be in you and your ability to have fun doing life together?

If you can laugh about the napkins not coming in the specific shade of purple and decide to shift things a little instead, don’t you think your blood pressure and stress would be reduced? In the end, will anyone remember? Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? Think about that before you scream at the rental company or vent to your fiance about something so trivial.

I promise, it is much more rewarding to be flexible and much

more relaxing.

Delegate. I can’t tell you how much this will help you. Please don’t feel as though you are alone planning this wedding. They say that your groom is completely uninterested, and sometimes grooms are, but that DOES NOT mean that he won’t help you! There are so many people around you who want to help, and here is how you

utilize them. Sit down and create a to do list. Then delegate.

Check out the example list below and who each item is assigned to. Doing this will also get some people off your back. Say your mother or mother-in-law have too many opinions to count — give them a

job! All they really want to do is help you. Let them!

Task List:

Call tux rental to schedule appointment — Groom

Research favors — Mother-in-law

Compile addresses for invitations — Mother

Call potential caterers for quotes — Mother

Call potential hair and makeup providers — Maid of honor

Research DJ’s — Groom

Call bakers — Mother-in-law

Any of these tasks on your list? Do you feel like you have to do all of these things yourself? You don’t. These people aren’t making any of the decisions, but they are helping with some of the leg work that seems so overwhelming. Please, please, please, look at all the things you need to get done, and delegate! Let the people who love you help you. Especially your future spouse.

Living in the land of reality. This is a very hard thing to do in this day and age of the

perfect Pinterest

wedding with every detail stunningly

wonderful. When all your hopes and dreams of your entire life are centered on this one day, living in reality can be one of the hardest things to do. I know, I’ve been there.

It seems unfair when you look at all these perfect weddings of celebrities and

magazine brides, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I bet, at every single one of those real weddings, multiple things went wrong or that bride had to compromise on something she had her heart set on, and you know what?

After all that, that wedding was still perfect.

Yours will be too.

Not because the DJ you got was your first choice or because the cake you wanted ended up being available. It will be perfect because you get to say “I do” to the rest of your life with your best friend. It will be perfect because even though the table linens weren’t what you wanted or the full bar was too expensive, or the waterfall of

flowers wouldn’t work in your venue, you get to marry your best friend while surrounded by the love of your friends and family.

In the end, that’s all that really matters.

Reality isn’t a bad place to live. So enjoy this time. Enjoy your fiance’s face when you ask whether the flowers should be plum

or royal purple. Enjoy the expression of love on your mother’s

or friends’ faces when you have on THE dress. Bathe in it. Live in the moment and in reality. It’s an incredible place to be.

My wish for you is that your wedding planning and your wedding day will be filled with love and joy. That every decision, task, and meeting will be looked forward to and celebrated as one step closer to the day you have been looking forward to for so long.

Coming from someone who did not heed these words leading up to her own wedding, I wish for you to be able to look back and be proud of the way you allowed your wedding planning to prepare you for your future married life. That you see every decision and bump in the road as an opportunity for growth and joy and happiness. My hope is that these words of wisdom to be flexible, delegate, and live in the realm of reality will help you accomplish the perfectly imperfect wedding day of your dreams.

Your wedding is the first day of the rest of your lives together, and only you can decide how you want to behave leading up to it and on the day. Enjoy it. May your wedding planning and wedding day be filled with love, joy and very little stress.

What to do when your child gets married: a guide to being the ideal wedding parent

  Marriage & Divorce, marriage advice

You gave them life, stayed up all night when they couldn’t sleep, waved them off to their first day at school and then in the blink of an eye they were grown up. 

You’d got used to the fact they’re paying their own bills and calling you from the ‘office’ but now the biggest change in their lives, and your relationship, is on the way. They’re getting married and that means a whole new dynamic and, of course, a new member of the family, too.

With any luck you’ll be well acquainted with your child’s beloved by now and you may even really like them, so the thought of the pair uniting in marriage hopefully won’t be too distressing.

And no doubt you’ve been dreaming of your child’s wedding day for as long as they have, as well as saving up for just this occasion, so it’s natural you’re not only feeling excited at the prospect, but deeply invested too.

But as with many events that involve families and emotional relationships, weddings tend to bring out both the best and worst in people. Feelings can get hurt and offence can be taken, even when none was intended.

And that’s before you take into account the fact that many families have strained interactions anyway or that the presence of divorced parents, step-parents and children can also add to the complexity.

So how do you avoid the conflict and just enjoy watching your son or daughter get married? How do you embrace their partner’s family and remain calm and supportive?

Remembering that this is supposed to be a joyful time is a good place to start and the bigger picture should always be front of mind.

If you’re paying for part, or all of the wedding, you may feel your wishes should be given priority, but at the end of the day, this is your child’s wedding, not yours. And while there should be compromise on both sides, it might be time to exercise that incredible skill you’ve developed over the years of putting your children first… yes, again. 

William Hanson encourages parents to remember that it’s not their wedding

Credit:
William Hanson/William Hanson

William Hanson, a world renowned etiquette expert and coach who works with private and corporate clients all over the world, agrees. “It’s not your wedding,” he says. “It’s their day and if you don’t like it, say nothing. It’s hopefully the only wedding they’re going to have and they’re going to remember it for life. You want them to remember it for the right reasons.”

You have to ask yourself if an argument over something small is worth it. “If they want something terrible that you morally don’t agree with, fair enough,” says Hanson. “But if they want yellow flowers in the chapel and you want pink, let them have yellow flowers. At the end of the day they’re just flowers.” 

And if you think some meddling won’t have a detrimental effect on proceedings then let the following modern fairy tale be a warning. We know of one engaged couple that was getting so much grief from both sets of parents that they wrote a letter to their families explaining very clearly, that this supposedly happy time was being ruined, and if they didn’t stop being so controlling they would elope. Sure enough, the mums and dads backed off and let the kids get on with it.

Laura*, 27, from London is in the midst of planning her wedding and while she’s experienced some issues with her parents along the way, she’s loved having their input. “It was very important to involve them in the planning process,” she says. “I can be a bit of a control freak but as the first one of my siblings to get married, my parents have been super excited, so I see how much joy it brings them to feel involved. Also both my parents and in-laws-to-be have been very generous in helping us financially with the wedding, so we felt it was only fair to include them in some of the decisions”.

When her dad was insistent that they should employ an opera singer to serenade the guests during drinks and canapé’s, however, she felt the need to step in. “I don’t listen to opera music, nor does my fiancé, and I personally can’t think of anything worse than someone belting out Pavarotti at full pitch while our guests are trying to chat. He was quite persistent, but I nipped it in the bud quickly.”

So as well as biting your tongue and being as impartial as a judge, what are your actual responsibilities both before and on the wedding day itself? Read on to see what tradition (and Debrett’s) says you should and shouldn’t be doing…

Mother of the bride

If the bride’s parents are paying for the wedding (or the majority of it), it’s usual for the mother of the bride to take a central role in the planning.

Depending on your relationship with your daughter, you may be asked to take charge of whole aspects of the day, especially if you’re hosting it at the family home. So you could find yourself liaising with suppliers, booking cars and going along to food consultations.

But if you don’t feel you can take on such an active role then be clear from the start and suggest a few areas where you’d specifically like to be of help instead. Approach the whole process as  a collaboration and endeavour to keep your daughter’s wishes at the forefront, while offering advice and the benefit of your experience.

“It’s normally the micro details that mothers of the bride and groom get cross about,” says Hanson. “It’s all the minutiae and you think, at the end of the day, does it matter?” So, try not to sweat the small stuff essentially.

One definite ‘don’t’ is to not get over excited, inviting friends and relatives to the wedding before the actual guest list is compiled. If you’re not sure how many people from your side can be accommodated, then avoid any potentially awkward backtracking by waiting for a confirmed number from the bride and groom.

This was a major bone of contention for our bride. “I think it’s a universal sticking point when it comes to wedding planning,” she says. “We wanted our parents to have a say in the guest list so asked them to write a list of family and friends they wanted to invite before we even started looking at venues. It all seemed pretty straight forward but since then, they’ve asked us to invite random work colleagues we’ve never met, they’ve invited people without asking us and even asked us to un-invite a couple they originally had on their list! All very stressful.”

Even if you’re not taking on full responsibility for some areas, you will no doubt be asked to help your daughter choose her dress. This is a special experience and we recommend making a whole day (or two) of it, with a nice lunch and glasses of champagne to celebrate in style. Seeing your daughter in a wedding gown will be emotional so don’t forget to carry tissues and while honesty is usually the best policy, if she falls in love with a dress you’re not crazy about, then it’s probably best not to take the shine off it for her by saying so.

“When I was going dress shopping I wanted to invite my mum and step-mum as I’m close to them both and value their opinions,” says Laura. “But I was really worried my mum would be offended or it would be really awkward as they don’t have much to do with one another.

“But it turned out I was completely overthinking it and we had a lovely day, everyone got on and I found a dress! I think that’s one thing I’ve found from wedding planning. It sounds cheesy but it does bring people together and people put their differences aside.”

There’s other exciting shopping to do too, don’t forget; your Mother of the Bride outfit. Custom dictates that you should stay away from the colours being worn by the bridesmaids and, of course, no white. You wouldn’t want to upstage your own daughter now would you. This is another chance to spend some quality time with her before the big day, so relish every moment. 

Once you’ve chosen your look, you should let the groom’s mother know the length, colour and style so she can pick something complementary.

No matter how involved you are in the planning, it’s important to enjoy the whole process as much as possible. You’ll see new sides to your daughter, bond over any problem solving and you should have a lot of fun too. “My mum has been a great listener,” agrees Laura. “When I’ve become really stressed out and needed someone to help put things in perspective, at my most bridezilla moments.”

On the day

1. As well as getting yourself glammed up, you may be needed to help your daughter get dressed. Remaining your usual, unflappable self will help the morning pass smoothly.

2. The Mother of the Bride usually travels to the ceremony with the bridesmaids in a vehicle organised by the bride. So say your goodbyes before you set off. 

3. Once at the church or venue, you will be the last to be seated before the bride arrives. If sticking to tradition then you’ll be escorted to your place by the chief usher. 

4. During the service, you’ll sit on the left of the aisle with the father of the bride, or whoever is fulfilling that role on the day.

5. You may be asked to sign the register and once it’s all over, you’ll walk back down the aisle with the groom’s father.

6. At the reception you’ll be in hostess mode, welcoming guests and helping them to mingle and circulate. You will also be required to pose in lots of photographs so get practicing that beaming smile.

Father of the bride

So your little girl is getting married.

As the father of the bride, you’ll no doubt be experiencing a range of emotions, with shock at the average cost of a UK wedding near the top of the list. 

It’s £27,161 by the way.

But however you’re feeling about handing over your daughter to the care of another man, you do have a few specific tasks to carry out, whether you’re paying for the whole shebang or not.

You will undoubtedly be called upon for advice or to help organise certain elements of the wedding, particularly if you’re hosting with the mother of the bride. With many families not fitting into traditional nuclear dynamics, this will, of course, depend on the individual situation.

On the day

1. You’ll have some valuable father-daughter time as you travel to the ceremony together. Use these minutes to calm her nerves and to offer some advice about life and marriage.

2. Once you’re at the church (or venue where the service is taking place) you’ll wait as her chief bridesmaid attends to her dress and train and then walk her down the aisle on your right arm. This is where you beam with pride.

3. Once at the front, when the registrar or religious leader asks; ‘who gives this woman to this man?’ (or some similar words) you should place the bride’s right hand on theirs.

4.   During the service, assuming relations with the bride’s mother are positive, you will sit next to her on the left hand side of the aisle and will join her in the registry for the signing of the register.

5. When it’s all done and dusted, you’ll walk back down the aisle with the mother of the groom on your arm.

6. The father of the bride speech… You might not be looking forward to this if you don’t like public speaking or have little experience of it, but it’s a wonderful opportunity to say some heartfelt words about your daughter and to thank those who have helped to organise the wedding, as well as to welcome your new son-in-law into the family. Read our ultimate guide on how to write and deliver a memorable father of the bride speech and you’ll do her proud.

The parents of the groom

In the past, the groom’s parents weren’t necessarily involved in wedding arrangements to any great degree, other than as a support to their son and future daughter-in-law. The onus was on the bride’s parents to both pay for and organise the logistics of the day.

But with more and more modern weddings being paid for by the happy couple, and with non-traditional family set-ups becoming the norm, there’s more scope for the groom’s mother and father to be included in the planning.

Many parents of the groom now offer to pay for one element of the day if the bride’s parents are footing the bill for the majority. So if you’re in a position to be able to do so, perhaps suggest that you pay for an open bar or why not organise a lunch for the next day or a dinner the night before the wedding?

Basically you can be as involved as you’d like to be, so be open from the start about wanting to contribute in some way. As with the bride’s parents, try to remain focused on the big picture and if you have any concerns about the plans, express them as diplomatically as possible. “Offer to help your daughter or son,” says Laura. “But don’t be too overbearing or they will resent you and potentially leave you out of decision making the next time.” 

On the actual day itself, unless the happy couple have requested you do a speech or have given you a specific task to carry out, then your responsibilities are minimal. 

Arrive promptly, take your place in the seats behind your son and his best man and relax and enjoy this special moment.

The mother of the groom traditionally leaves on the arm of the father of the bride while the groom’s father will escort the mother of the bride back down the aisle.

So whether you’re a parent (step or otherwise) of the bride or the groom, you can have a huge influence on how happy their wedding day is. In most circumstances they’ll want you to be involved so try not to get too caught up in your own vision for the day. No matter how much you wanted that opera singer. 

 *not our bride’s real name.

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