Category Archives: marriage advice
The Big Bang Theory Recap: Marital Mathematics
Professor Proton returns!
It’s in Sheldon’s dream, of course, since Mr. Cooper’s beloved childhood hero is dead. But Bob Newhart’s charming wisecracker is still floating around in Sheldon’s very special psyche, from whence he occasionally pops in to offer words of wisdom.
For this reunion, Sheldon’s “favorite ghost” is sitting in a delicatessen in Dagobah — wearing his Jedi robes and outlined in a glowing light — after Sheldon makes a colossal mistake that impacts his personal and professional relationships with Amy.
Now that the honeymoon is literally over for the Coopers, it’s also figuratively over when Amy’s busy research roster makes it impossible for her to be as available as Sheldon would like her to be for them to work on their joint super-asymmetry project. But when Amy shares that excuse with her hubby, he takes it upon himself to help open up her schedule. That means a chat with Caltech president Siebert (guest star Joshua Malina), who agrees to let Amy take a sabbatical from her own neuroscience projects so she can concentrate on the physics paper with Sheldon.
The problem: Not only did Amy not want to take a break from her work, but she certainly didn’t want her husband to talk to their boss about rearranging her assignments. So when she walks into her lab one morning and finds another scientist trying to read her research notes — and then finds out Sheldon is the one who facilitated the move — well, that’s why Sheldon’s in need of Professor Proton’s advice.
In Sheldon’s defense, he did have good intentions. He’s excited to work with his wife. Also, as arrogant as he can be, the fact that he’s willing and excited to collaborate with anyone is a big sign of respect from him. All good stuff for the marrieds.
It has to be noted, though, that defending him isn’t altogether easy in this situation, especially since, during Shamy’s joint meeting with Siebert after Amy finds out about Sheldon’s interference, he tries to score points with his wife by telling Siebert not to mansplain to her, then proceeds to mansplain to her what mansplaining is.
Fortunately, as per Professor Proton’s advice, Sheldon learns marriage rule number one: Never go to bed with anger between you and your spouse. So he wakes Amy up — she’s got two things to be upset about now — to work out the issue.
She tells him the real root of her anger (as if the fact that he tried to manipulate her career wasn’t enough): As much as she loves working with him, she’s also determined not to lose her own identity, her own work and interests, to their joint life. She’s worried that “the things that are mine are getting subsumed into the things that are ours,” she tells him, which, happily, he understands.
He’s also very happy about her use of the word “subsume.” “That’s one you don’t hear enough,” he says.
The downside of the maturing, evolving Sheldon is that Professor Proton’s advice is short and sweet, and we get to spend too little time with him. Here’s hoping we get another chance to see Professor Proton and Newhart — whose comic timing is as perfectly tuned as ever — again during this final season of TBBT.
Elsewhere, you’d think Raj would be all about the wedding planning now that he and Anu are rushing into marriage, but she’s completely MIA this week. Instead, there’s another round of bromance with Howard, whom Raj doesn’t want to include in his Griffith Observatory planetarium show, because he fears Howard will steal his thunder. Howard’s feelings are hurt. Raj gives in and invites him to don his astronaut uniform and be a part of the presentation, which turns into a love-fest where Raj tells Howard he’s proud of him and they embrace, while Leonard cries in the audience and Penny and Bernadette roll their eyes at all the male emoting.
Theor-ems:
• Sheldon: “I’ve upset my wife, and I don’t know how to make it right.”
Professor Proton: “And you’re coming to me for advice? I upset my wife every time I woke up in the morning!”
• Professor Proton: “Rule number one in a marriage: Don’t go to bed angry. Rule number two in a marriage: if you don’t recognize the shoes under your bed, they’re not your shoes.”
• Howard: “You don’t want to talk about the stars next to an actual astronaut. That would be like doing karaoke with a rock star.”
Raj: “First of all, I’ve totally done karaoke with a rock star. Or are you forgetting when the Spin Doctors handed me the mic at the Orange County Fair?”
• Sheldon: “I know what you’re thinking: They’re newlyweds, how are they going to keep their hands off each other? Let me assure you, we will not engage in workplace coitus. I mean, if I won’t put a bagel on my desk, I’m certainly not putting Amy’s bare bottom.”
• President Siebert: “I must say, I do not enjoy our talks.”
COMMENTARY: Some sage advice for startup entrepreneurs
Successful entrepreneurs know their limitations and seek out partners, employees, mentors and external service providers that can complement their skill and value. – 123RF Stock Photo
So, you are thinking about entrepreneurship or you have made the decision and are taking those first steps in a startup. Owning your own business can be a wonderfully rewarding experience but it can also be fraught with a pervading sense of uncertainty about the “right” steps to take. While the list that follows will not assure success, it should go a long way toward reducing the risk of failure:
DO NOT listen to your family and friends without skepticism — Your family and friends care about you. This affection can manifest in exaggerated support for your business idea that isn’t grounded in market reality. Conversely, it can manifest in projecting fear and negativity that is designed to protect you which may also not be accurate. These familial support systems should be a source of emotional support and possibly a source of patient capital, but not the kind of objective business counsel that the nascent entrepreneur needs.
DO your own customer discovery — The most important voice for the burgeoning entrepreneur is that of the customer. Unless you are solving a real problem for a customer or offering them a unique benefit, you do not have a business. Understanding the problem you are trying to solve from the customer’s perspective is critical to your success and it should not be outsourced, or reduced to surveys. Have a conversation with potential customers and keep speaking to them for as long as you are in business; they hold the keys to your success or failure.
DO NOT believe the myth of the solo entrepreneur — While popular culture romanticizes the achievements of Steve Jobs, we may have never heard of him if it wasn’t for Steve Wozniak. The disparate skills required to successfully start a company are seldom possessed by a single individual. Additionally, the benefits of collaborative problem-solving using multiple perspectives are seldom eclipsed by the efforts of an individual. Successful entrepreneurs know their limitations and seek out partners, employees, mentors and external service providers that can complement their skill set and add value.
DO carefully consider splitting equity — Often in the quest to find that mix of talent that can drive a startup from idea to launch, the founding entrepreneur is willing to give up equity as compensation. Splitting equity can best be thought of as a marriage, and is not to be entered into lightly. In an ideal sense, equity splits should be determined on the basis of the relative contribution of the team members but that can be difficult to determine objectively. This is no time for egalitarianism as it is unlikely that two founders are making exactly the same contribution to the value of a startup. Regardless of the split, ensure that a shareholders agreement exists because undocumented understandings over share ownership that occurred <QL>in the idea stage take on a different complexion when the company is profitable.
DO NOT undervalue yourself — Entrepreneurs should remember that they get paid for what they do, and they earn a return on what they own. Therefore, if you are working in the business, develop a financial model based upon paying yourself a market-based wage for the job you do because if you don’t, you are lying to yourself. You should be developing a business model that can generate a return with all of the costs of inputs included. If you develop a model that discounts your labour to zero, the model is unsustainable.
DO embrace ambiguity — Tolerance for ambiguity is the degree to which you are comfortable with uncertainty, unpredictability, conflicting directions, and multiple demands. Most people despise ambiguity, but successful entrepreneurs accept it as a normal state of existence. Operating within ambiguous situations requires a dedication to learning; learning from customers, learning from mistakes, and learning from others and then applying those lessons to better serve the market. The successful entrepreneur charts his own path to success on the basis of perpetual, just-in-time learning while those that cannot embrace the vicarious existence of the entrepreneur attribute success to timing, or good fortune. In the words of American journalist, Harvey Earl Wilson “Success is simply a matter of luck. Just ask any failure.”
Craig MacMullin is president and CEO of Centre for Entrepreneurship Education and Development Inc.
Ask Roxane: 'Where the Hell Is the Love of My Life?'
Dear Roxane,
I am a 43-year-old, single, never-been-married, educated mother of one and would like advice on love. I’m navigating dating life and need to fully understand the difference between loving someone, being in love and having a soul mate. I love the idea of love and would very much like to spend the rest of my life with a man, but find myself having commitment issues because I am afraid of choosing wrong. I see couples that have been married 10, 15, 20 years who get divorced and seem to be completely fine with it. It’s scary to me because I would like my marriage to last a lifetime. Am I overthinking this totally or being too paranoid? Or do you really never know, because only time will tell?
Sincerely,
Where the hell is the love of my life?
Dear Searching for the Love of Her Life,
We live in a culture that idealizes the idea of love, and the idea that there is one true person who will complete you, fulfill all your dreams and love you forever. We are told from an early age that our true love is out there, waiting for us and so we yearn to find them, to know what it feels like to experience true love, to know you have made the right choice. The truth about love is that it is often bewildering and unknowable. You may never know if you have made the right choice. But when love is true, you embrace all the unknowns, regardless.
I am 44, in a complicated romantic situation, never been married. I am no expert on love. I love the idea of love but I have lived and loved long enough to recognize that there is a difference between the idea of love and the reality of love.
You never really know if a marriage or relationship will last a lifetime. You can want that. You can work hard to make a relationship work and have the best of intentions and still, things might not work out but that doesn’t mean you have wasted your time or failed. Many people who choose divorce are completely fine with it because they know the difference between the idea of love and the reality of love. They know there is nothing to be gained from staying in a marriage simply because the idea of love demands pretending everything is fine when such is not the case. What may seem cavalier to you is most likely a decision that has been agonized over. Few people take divorce lightly because it is a profoundly painful thing to end a commitment you nurtured and fought for and hoped would last a lifetime.
In your letter, you are very much focused on what could be rather than what is. You worry about choosing wrong but are not considering that you might choose right for a lifetime or right for a moment. When you meet someone and start dating, you have no idea where things will lead. You have hopes, yes, and dreams, but you also have to get from one day to the next, getting to know a person, deciding to deepen the relationship and, sometimes, choosing to formalize a commitment. It is so very important to know what you want from a relationship but you also have to create space for a relationship to develop without worrying about what the relationship will or won’t become. You have to be in the relationship in the present, from one day to the next, and some of those days will be glorious, but some of them are going to be a complete disaster. You would like a marriage to last a lifetime, but you are, perhaps, overlooking what it takes to love someone for a lifetime. You are overlooking the small joys and sorrows and frustrations of threading all the days that make up a lifetime of loving someone.
Ask 33 people about the difference between loving someone, being in love and soul mates, and you will get 33 different answers, so I will simply tell you what these things are to me. I must also warn you, I am a passionate, foolish romantic. I believe in love and grand gestures. I am all about the chase, seduction and woo, not just during the shimmering early days of a relationship but also years in when you’re thinking about the maddening ways your person behaves but still, isn’t today a good day to send them some sunflowers or bring them their favorite coffee?
When you find the one you just know. But that isn’t guaranteed. Some people never find the one, or there are several people for whom you have such feelings or you think you have found the one and they change or you change in ways you can no longer tolerate. Love is so damn messy. There are days when I hate love as much as I love it, when I just want to walk away, give up but still, something holds me there, to the center of my gravity.
Loving someone is recognizing the role they play or have played in your life and honoring that presence. Sometimes, love feels like an obligation but it is one you are willing to fulfill. Sometimes it takes hard work but you are willing to put in that work. Love is the constant you hold on to when you don’t particularly like the one you love. Love is recognizing the ways in which, for better and worse, someone has contributed to your life. It is up to you to decide what loving someone, being in love with someone and a soul mate mean.
Being in love is wild, breathtaking, infuriating. It is butterflies in your stomach when you think about your person, when you see them, when you hold them. It’s the electricity when your skin meets. It’s smiling at your person with wide eyes and an open heart and seeing them smile back at you in the same way. It’s wanting to hold someone’s hand, even when your hand is hot, a little sweaty. It’s lust and the heat of wanting, wanting, wanting. It’s seeing who someone truly is, the best and most terrible parts of them, and choosing not to look away from everything you see, actively embracing everything you see. It’s the willingness to have difficult but honest conversations. It’s compromising on the structure of your relationship. It’s about patience and being flexible and getting irritated or furious with a person but still holding on. It’s wanting to be the best version of yourself for your person but also for yourself, especially for yourself. It’s the pride you feel in their accomplishments and being as happy for their successes as you are for your own, if not more. It’s their hurts becoming your hurts. It’s feeling their absence when you are apart and the rush of joy when that absence ends. It’s liking someone as much as you love them, being interested in who they are, marveling at the ways they are interested in you. It’s a gut instinct. You just feel it. You know it in your bones. It isn’t perfect, not at all. It doesn’t need to be. It is, simply, what fills you up.
As for soul mates, I did not believe such a thing existed until I did. A soul mate is someone so deeply part of you that they feel like a vital organ, living outside of your skin. They are the hottest part of the sun, your true north, your home, the one from whom you will never walk away, no matter what the material conditions of your relationship might be. Your soul mate is the one you wait for knowing no matter what happens, that they are worth the wait. Your soul mate is the person you choose because you look at them, always and think, “You … there you are.”
But it truly doesn’t matter how I or anyone else understand love. You get to decide what loving someone, being in love with someone and having a soul mate mean. You get to choose the kind of person you want to spend your life with and for how long and what that relationship looks like. You get to fight for what you want so long as the person you love is fighting alongside you.
I hope you find that person you are looking for. I hope when you meet him, you don’t worry about how the relationship might end. I hope you find joy and fulfillment in the very act of loving and being loved, no matter what may come.
Roxane Gay (@rgay), an associate professor at Purdue University, is the author, most recently, of “Hunger” and a contributing opinion writer.
“Ask Roxane” is an advice column that appears periodically in The New York Times Opinion section.
If you’re looking for some comic relief and live in the San Francisco area, come to The New York Times Opinion Live on Friday, Oct. 19, for an evening of politics and advice — and advice on coping with politics — with Roxane Gay, Michelle Goldberg and Jennine Capó Crucet, hosted by the Sunday Review editor, Rachel Dry. Get tickets here.
Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook and Twitter (@NYTopinion), and sign up for the Opinion Today newsletter.
'The Big Bang Theory' cast is so happy to have Bob Newhart back for the final season – watch!
Bob Newhart is back!
The Emmy Award-winning comedy legend is returning to The Big Bang Theory for its 12th and final season – and only ET has your first look at what could be his last episode of the series.
So just what will Professor Proton turned Sheldon’s sarcastic subconscious be up to this time? “Bob’s back to offer advice because when you have marital problems, you go to Bob Newhart in Jedi robes,” Jim Parsons quips in the video above.
“I’m kind of Obi-Wan – whatever that means,” the 89-year-old star says with a smile to the cameras. “Whenever Jim has a problem then he comes to me. He and Amy had a fight and he came to me and wanted my advice on how to handle their first fight.”
Press play on the video above for a special sneak peek at the hilarious marriage advice Arthur offers while they dine together in Sheldon’s dreams.
The Big Bang Theory’s final season airs Thursdays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on CBS.
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