Category Archives: marriage advice
Dear Annie: Husband wants to reset marriage
Dear Annie: I thought my husband and I had a great marriage — until I looked on his phone and found text messages to another woman. I was crushed. I asked him about it, and he said that it was nothing and that there were only a few messages. When I checked our cellphone details, I was completely devastated to find that it had been going on for almost a year and there were almost 2,000 text messages during the past six months. When I talked to him about this and all the lies he had told me, he said he had lost his way and he was sorry and didn’t want to lose me.
We started counseling, but he doesn’t want to discuss the details of the text messages and did a factory reset on his phone so I can’t see the messages. He said it was not a sexual affair, but his actions just don’t convince me it was just text messages. Now he thinks we are fine and our marriage will go on, but I can’t stop myself from thinking about what he may have done that I don’t know about.
How can I ever trust him again? I don’t know whether I can, because he told me so many lies. This was going on for almost a year. How can I believe that it wasn’t sexual? I am trying to act as if we are OK, but inside I feel as if I am dying. Please help me to think this through. I need to figure out whether I should stay or go. I need some good advice.
— Lost in Love
Dear Lost in Love: I’m so sorry for the hurt you must be feeling. Your husband can’t simply reset your marriage as he did his phone. It seems he expects that as long as he apologizes and stops talking to this woman, everything should go back to the way it was before he decided to have an affair. And it was an affair — if not a physical one, then an emotional one. Tell him that if you’re ever going to move past this, you need complete candidness and vulnerability from him. No more obfuscating the truth, changing the subject or destroying the evidence. Anything short of that would be placing a Band-Aid on a deep puncture wound, and the marriage would never heal.
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The Best Way to Maintain a Happy Marriage When You Have Kids
It’s easy to ignore your marriage when you have kids. There’s this unwritten agreement between partners that, as you exchange nods with your spouse on hectic mornings, brush against them when washing the dishes, or bicker about why one of you always has to play the bad guy, you signed up for this, that this is life. And it is. But that doesn’t mean that your marriage must suffer. A marriage changes when you have kids, yes, but it doesn’t become less of a priority. You just have to actively find ways to maintain it: in big moments and in small. But what’s the single best way to maintain a happy marriage when you have kids? That’s what we asked seven different relationship experts. While their answers varied, the sentiment is the same: it’s all about making time to foster your connection. Here’s what they said.
Set Boundaries
Lesli Doares, a couples coach, offers similar advice. “Intentionally setting boundaries around the marriage is what will keep it happy through the child-rearing years,” she says. “This means keeping kids out of the bedroom most of the time, having regular dates (even if you don’t leave the house), going on adults-only vacations and deciding to limit extra-curricular activities. Too many parents buy into the idea that children have to be involved in every activity open to them or they show interest in. This can be costly in terms of time and money. It’s okay to say ‘no’ to some things. It’s okay for your children to be disappointed sometimes. It actually prepares them for the real world.”
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Have Sex!
Melody Li, an Austin-based LMFT, notes that she often works with couples whose love lives have “simply disappeared” after they had kids. Fortunately, the solution is a pretty simple one: you gotta make time for sex.
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“As un-sexy as this may sound, schedule time to have sex,” Li recommends. “Much like other self-care activities (e.g. going to the gym) if you don’t block time out in your schedule, it’s not going to happen. Couples tell me that when they schedule sex, they actually get a bit excited as they anticipate their alone time. They find themselves fantasizing about their partner and planning fun ways to pleasure each other. So in reality, it’s not as un-sexy as it sounds.”
Spontaneous sex is still important too, Li adds, and couples should give themselves permission to indulge the impulse when it strikes. “Make the most of it, even if your mind may be elsewhere to start — that’s okay!”
Schedule Date Nights
Speaking of regular sex appointments, here’s one way to kill two birds with one stone: regular date nights. “Going to the movies with your kids can be fun, but make sure to do a parents-only date night at least once a month,” says dating coach Andrea Amour. “It’s so important to have evenings where you don’t worry about diaper-changes, spilled popcorn, or public tantrums. Go have unencumbered fun.”
Check In Regularly
Everyone knows communication is key, but it’s all too easy to disregard the actual work of communication in the daily hustle and bustle of parenting. “In my experience, the most important thing parents should do to maintain a happy marriage while raising children is to schedule regular time to discuss issues, practicing effective communication techniques,” says parenting coach Elisabeth Stitt. “Of course parents need to work out logistics of who’s going to pick up whom when, but they also need time to discuss the bigger issues that can tear a couple apart like ‘What constitutes a discipline problem and how should discipline problems be dealt with?’ or ‘What is the right balance between warmth and connection and maintaining high expectations?’”
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“Being on the same page about questions like how and what kind of involvement the in-laws should have or how many and what kind of activities the kids should be involved in greatly reduces parenting stress,” Stitt continues. “Reduced stress allows parents to function more graciously and flexibly, giving them more resources for handling the inevitable chaos that comes with parenting.”
Learn How to Move on From Arguments
Disagreement is unavoidable in any marriage—as are all-out fights. One of the defining aspects of a strong marriage, however, is the ability to get past a fight. “It doesn’t matter if you argue, because all couples do, it’s about coming back to the table afterwards and talking about what happened and owning your part,” says marriage and family therapist Melissa Davis Thompson. “It’s important so issues don’t get stored away. It allows a couple to share deeply how they feel without being angry or frustrated during an argument.”
Prioritize Your Marriage
Much like church and state, it’s crucial to think of your marriage and your kids as separate institutions — one of which comes before the other. “The most important thing parents need to do to maintain a happy marriage while raising children is to never put their children first,” says Julie Ingenohl, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in Connecticut. “Far too often, I have couples who come into my practice after twenty years of marriage with the complaints: ‘We just don’t connect. I don’t even know him anymore. It’s just not fun. We have nothing in common. The kids are almost grown up and we are about to be empty nesters. What are we going to do?’”
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In other words, parents who turn all their focus toward their children end up neglecting the person they depend upon to help raise those children — and the person who’ll still be there when the kids eventually leave the nest. “Save something for yourself,” she recommends. “Maybe it’s a spin class, book club, running, or something else. But it needs to be scheduled regularly, and important to you.”
Have a Laugh
Staying in good humor requires, well, a bit of humor. “The best thing parents can do to maintain a happy marriage is laugh together every day,” says marriage and family therapist Katie Ziskind. “I’ve worked with couples and families in all socioeconomic backgrounds, races, cultures, genders, and personalities. If parents can laugh together, even when they may want to cry of frustration, they can get through anything.”
So go ahead — let the dad jokes rip, and maybe some mom-tailored jokes too. And no matter how stressful things get, give yourself permission to let yourself enjoy your partner’s moments of levity. “If your partner makes a joke, instead of getting serious, let yourself laugh,” Ziskind recommends. “Laughing together allows parents to have fun while raising children.”
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Long-married couple wonders if being 'swingers' is for them
Dear Abby:
My wife and I have been married for years. We married young, and I’m the only man she has been with. Although we seem to have a good sex life, she’s now saying she wants more. She wants to experiment and is suggesting we try a “swinging” lifestyle — a threesome or foursome — swapping partners.
I think she wants to experience a stronger, more physically attractive man. I’m not against it. I fantasize about watching her with another man, and it could be exciting to make love with other women. However, my question to you and your readers is, does this lifestyle enhance a marriage or does it usually lead to severe marriage issues?
— Considering it in
California
Dear Considering It: Depending upon the people involved, the swinging lifestyle can either enhance or destroy a marriage. If the couple is honest with each other from the beginning, establishes firm ground rules and adheres to them, it won’t hurt the marriage. However, if one partner feels coerced into participating, it can be destructive, which is why I do not recommend it.
Dear Abby: One of my very close friends self-harms. She constantly slits her wrists and forearms. I desperately want her to stop, but I don’t know how to convince her not to hurt herself.
I would talk to her parents about it, but she doesn’t feel comfortable around her dad, and her mom is part of the reason she self-harms. She had a therapist she could talk to, but not anymore.
I want her to feel loved, but so far, all I’ve been doing to help is listen when she talks. She needs to be able to see herself as others do. What can I do to help her? I don’t want to sit idle while she struggles.
— Good Friend
Dear Good Friend: You are a caring person, but your friend has serious emotional problems you don’t have the training or experience to handle. She will need professional help to get to the root of her emotional pain before she can stop cutting.
Because she no longer has a therapist and her parents are part of the problem, tell a counselor at school that your friend is self-harming. Perhaps there can be an intervention if her problem is approached that way.
Dear Abby: I have been married forever to a very demanding and controlling man. We are older now, so, without consulting me, he bought cemetery plots for us. The problem is, I’m scared to death of cemeteries and always have been. I prefer to be cremated and have my ashes scattered over places I love.
One of my kids is OK with it; the other isn’t. How can I make sure my wishes will be respected?
— Going out
Dear G.O.M.W.: It appears that one of your kids takes after their father. If your husband dies first, your problem will be solved because your wishes will prevail.
Talk with an attorney who specializes in estate planning about putting language in your will that specifies that if you AREN’T cremated and scattered as you wish to be, the person responsible will receive no more than $1. Then choose an executor you can trust, and when the time comes, rest in peace.
