Category Archives: marriage advice
WATCH: Queen of Free talks money and marriage
INDIANAPOLIS (WTHR) – Every Sunday on WTHR Weekend Sunrise, Queen of Free, Cherie Lowe, shares advice about how to save money.
This Sunday, her husband, Brian, joined her to discuss money and marriage. Together, they shared “5 Key Areas Couples Struggle Managing Money and How To Fix Them Today.” It’s also the topic of a book they wrote together called “Your Money, Your Marriage.”
Their new book officially launches Tuesday September 25. You can visit Lowe’s blog to find how to get a copy or click here!
Dear Abby: Woman hurt to be snubbed from best friend's wedding party
Advice: I suspect that she included her sister — who she doesn’t get along with — in her wedding party because of pressure from relatives.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I are middle-aged women. Throughout our long friendship, I have been one of the few people in her life who was there for her as she dealt with boyfriend problems, elderly parents, serious illnesses, deaths, etc.
She became engaged for the first time recently, and asked me to go out of town with her to check out a potential wedding venue. While we were there, she looked away (wouldn’t even look me in the eye) and announced that only her sister (with whom she doesn’t get along) would be in her wedding party.
Although I was deeply disappointed, I said nothing. I was more disappointed about the way she made the announcement.
Since then, she has asked for my advice on everything from invitations to wedding etiquette, etc., instead of asking her sister, who lives out of state. At this point, I just want to be a guest at the wedding and enjoy seeing her get married. How do I bow out of this untitled role she has given me? — BOWING OUT IN THE WEST
DEAR BOWING OUT: If your friend had felt good about making the announcement, she wouldn’t have hesitated to look you in the eye. I suspect that she included her sister — who she doesn’t get along with — in her wedding party because of pressure from relatives.
Because you feel her questions should more appropriately be answered by the sister, tell your friend — as kindly as possible — she should be asking her maid of honor, who is “only a phone call away.”
DEAR ABBY: I fell in love with my first crush 30 years ago. We both felt the same way, but because I was six years younger than him, my parents didn’t approve. We lost contact, and over the years, I would sometimes wonder what had happened to him. Last week his cousin found me on Facebook, and I was able to video call him. We were filled with emotion and realized our feelings haven’t changed.
We both have families. I’m divorced with two young adults. He’s married with three young adults. I don’t want to cause him any problems, and yet, I’m willing to let it play out and see what happens. All I want is just to see him again, but I’m afraid of what will happen. Please tell me what to do! — FULL OF EMOTIONS
DEAR FULL OF EMOTIONS: The problem with making important decisions when we are “full of emotions” is they’re usually impulsive and the wrong choice. Consider this: You and this man are adults with responsibilities to others. If you see him and he still feels the same as you stated, it may be the start of an affair and the end of his marriage.
If it’s an affair, you will be his side dish and unable to form a meaningful relationship with anyone else for years. If divorce is involved, his wife and children will be collateral damage. Because I’m not sure you have the strength to keep your distance if you meet him, ask him to include his wife and family when you do, and bring along your children.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Man afraid to be alone starts affairs with married women
Dear Abby:
My son has taken it upon himself to get romantically involved with two different married women. He’s newly divorced after a long marriage and hates the idea of being alone. He says he loves them both, but realizes there’s no future with either one, so he’s trying to extricate himself from the jam he’s gotten into. The problem is, the women refuse to let go, and it’s causing all sorts of problems. Any ideas?
— Dad In The Middle in New York
Dear Dad: If you are smart, you’ll stay out of this mess. Hasn’t it occurred to you that if your son was truly unhappy with the situation, he — not you — would have sought help for his problem?
He doesn’t love either of those women; he loves what he’s getting from them — attention, companionship, sex. Because they are married, he doesn’t have to worry about them wanting a commitment from him as a single woman might. If he really wanted to stop these dolls from “stalking” him, he would threaten to make their husbands aware of what’s been going on, and that would be the end of it.
Dear Abby: I am 15 and my mom was recently diagnosed with cancer. My two older sisters are away in college, and my dad works all the time. How should I balance taking care of Mom, doing schoolwork and playing field hockey? I wish I could give each task my full attention, but I’m not going to be home much because of school.
— Juggling in
Pennsylvania
Dear Juggling: I am sure your mother’s diagnosis has caused stress for every member of your family, including those who are away, and for that I am sorry. You are so young, and I can only imagine the stress you are feeling.
If you were discussing this with your mother, I am sure she would tell you — as I am — how important it is that you keep up with your schoolwork and activities. You cannot assume the entire responsibility for her care by yourself. Who will help her during her treatments, and how much time you should realistically devote, is something both your parents should help you to determine. None of you will really know how much assistance she’ll require until the process is started, so be flexible and take things a step at a time.
Dear Abby: My mom owns two successful women’s clothing stores near my hometown that she’s had for more than 10 years. The problem is, she named them after me, and I hate it!
I’ve tried talking to her about it many times, but every time I bring it up she gets sarcastic, says things like, “This is a fun conversation,” and doesn’t let me get a word out. I have tried talking to the rest of my family about it, but they don’t consider it a big deal and tell me I’m being ridiculous. I have run out of ideas about what to do, so if you could give me some advice, it would really help.
— Angry Daughter
Dear Angry Daughter: Many daughters would consider what your mother did to be a compliment. However, because it bothers you so much, consider going by your middle name. And, if that doesn’t satisfy you, and you feel strongly enough about this, go to court and legally change your name to another one you like when you reach adulthood.
Affection imbalance threatens marriage
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I’d like to warn my husband that I’m unhappy enough that it could destroy us, but I’m not sure how to do it without an ultimatum. I’m unhappy with a general lack of affection, especially the G-rated kind. That bothers me all the more, like I’m only worth an effort when sex is involved.
We’ve had different versions of this conversation every few months for two years – everything from the serious and tearful, “I’m lonely,” to a joking, “Pay attention to me.” When I raise the subject, I’ll enjoy the sweet forehead kiss, random hug or backrub for a few days, but it never lasts.
Am I overlooking a way to broach this subject? It doesn’t seem fair to blindside him with a separation, but I don’t want to be a “do this or else” kind of wife and won’t stay in a lonely marriage.
– Unhappy
This isn’t about ultimatums or even what you’re “worth.” This is about who you are and who your husband is, period. You are about regular, G-rated affection. Your husband is not. That’s it. You did the right thing by articulating what you wanted, and he did the right thing when he tried to provide it. But his inability – don’t torture yourself with “willingness” judgments – to show sustained affection contains essential information: His daily-affection set point is below what you want out of life.
So, tweaking your original question: Knowing he’s not affectionate, what do you want next? To make one last request? To try living in the marriage for a while knowing this is how it’s going to be? (Never underestimate the burden of believing a marriage will change if you only do A, B or C just right. It’s exhausting. And embittering.)
Do you want to separate?
Read more:
There’s no “blindsiding” someone after eight discussions in the past two years. That’s a lot of notice. Say this, even. And: “I’ve run out of ways to ask. I also don’t think it’s fair for either of us to stay in a marriage where we’re being asked to be people we’re not.”
Before “seeya,” you can also say you’ve contemplated leaving over the affection problem and may still, but you want him to know this is how seriously lonely you feel.
He’ll either change permanently or he won’t.
That after all is the ultimatum problem: It’s basically a threat to make someone do something to keep you, and you certainly wouldn’t want someone marrying you, for example, under threat. But this is a case where the source of the result isn’t as important as the result itself.
Re: Unhappy: I had that exact issue, and after WAY too long deliberating, I ended it. I’m now engaged to a man who WANTS to give and receive similar affection.
You did the first step by asking for what you need. The second step is the hard part.
– Anonymous
Understatement. And true, thanks.
Re: Unhappy: If I need a hug, I don’t wait for hubby to hug me. I go to him and put my arms around him and we hug. Giving affection to him freely makes it easier for him to give me affection freely. If he is shrugging away from a hug repeatedly, that’s another story.
– Two-Way Street
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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