Category Archives: marriage advice
Ask Amy: Widow bounces into new relationship with married man
Advice: When someone says that his marriage is “basically over,” one response is: “Well, when it is actually over, I hope you’ll let me know.”
DEAR AMY: I am a 51-year-old woman. My husband died two years ago.
I started talking to a man through one of the online games I play. It started out as mild flirtation. I asked him if he was married. He told me his marriage was basically over. He hadn’t felt anything for his wife in quite a while.
I thought that was a safe answer, and we decided to meet in person. I felt like we had known each other forever.
We’ve “been together” for seven months, and he is still with his wife. We don’t get to see each other very often, but he calls me every day. We love each other. He tells me he needs time to think about how to get out of his marriage without losing everything he’s worked so hard for.
He also has a job where he is required to live in his city, so moving in with me is not an option right now. I have a 13-year-old daughter living at home.
My adult sons are happy that I found someone, but are not happy that he is married, obviously.
He has brought me so much happiness when I was going through so much darkness. I don’t think I’m rebounding.
Everyone tells me that he won’t leave his wife, but he doesn’t even sleep with her. There is no love in their marriage.
How long is too long to wait for someone to make up his mind? — WONDERING WIDOW
DEAR WONDERING: People who are rebounding usually don’t realize that they are rebounding. That is the self-deluding magic of a romantic rebound.
When someone says that his marriage is “basically over,” one response is: “Well, when it is actually over, I hope you’ll let me know.”
As it is now, he is “basically” committing adultery. This is not what good, steady, reliable, honest and loving people do.
If your daughter liked a guy in middle school who already had a girlfriend, would you tell her to charge ahead, regardless? Are you modeling positive relationship behavior? Because — make no mistake — she is watching.
Because you are willing to be in this relationship, he has little incentive to change his life.
For you, this relationship dangles unfulfilled promises, and over time, your own self-esteem will take a hit. I predict that whatever timeline you impose on his adultery, he will find ways and reasons to extend it.
This relationship seems to have pulled you back to life after your husband’s death. I hope you will take this experience and use it to meet other people who are more available to be in a fully committed relationship with you.
DEAR AMY: My wife left the house and our kids (and me) four months ago.
She left us to be with a new man, and seems to be getting very serious in her new relationship and now is trying to have the children be OK with her new choice.
I have tried to let her know that it is too soon for them to be introduced to her new love interest. I have even sent her articles on how detrimental this is for our children.
What do I say to my children to try to prevent any future issues and have them grow up as “normally” as possible? — DEVOTED DAD
DEAR DAD: You don’t mention the age of your kids, but, aside from what is going on with them, you should make sure that you and your wife have a legal separation agreement, with custody arrangements.
I agree that it is probably too soon for your children to absorb that their mother has bounced away from them (and you), and into another serious relationship. If she has visitation, you likely cannot prevent her from making this introduction, and so you should do everything you can to mitigate any fallout.
Don’t pump the kids for information. Make sure the kids know that whatever they encounter with their mother’s mixed-up life, you are their calm, steady, stalwart and supportive dad.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
The real man comes out after the wedding
Dear Annie: I have been married for one year to a classmate whom I reconnected with at our 50th high school class reunion.
While he was courting me, he seemed perfect. He spent money on me, bought loving cards, bought flowers, took me to restaurants and fancy hotels. You get the picture. He continued to court me until I agreed to marry him.
It wasn’t too long after we married that I noticed him getting up in the night to watch TV. When I would enter the room, he would switch channels. I got wise and started checking the “recently viewed” section and saw that he’s watching porn. I called him out on it, but he doesn’t seem to think it’s any big thing. I think it is horrible, and I was raised to think it is sinful. I’m hurt, but what am I to do?
He also started buying me airplane tickets to go visit my elderly mother, saying he wishes he had visited with his own mom more while she was alive. But I got wise again and shared his phone location with mine and saw that as soon as he dropped me off at the airport, he drove straight to a strip club, where he spent several hours.
When I returned home and asked him about the most recent time he had gone to a strip club, he got defensive and wondered why I would bring that up. I told him I was curious, and he then lied to me and told me it was in the 1980s.
Next, I found out that he had sneaked money out of our safe while I was gone. When I asked him about it, he lied again and said he hadn’t. When I told him I had counted the money and some was gone, he got very defensive and said he had just wanted money to spend while I was gone and hadn’t wanted to keep receipts so I wouldn’t know where he had spent money.
This guy is very tight with his money now that we are married. He writes down every penny I spend. I have to give him all my receipts. On our anniversary, he gave me a used card. No more fancy cards or flowery words, nothing.
I am hurt and wonder what I should do. Do you have any suggestions for me?
— In a Quandary
Dear In a Quandary: This man worked some mean magic — projecting the image of a charming, thoughtful, affectionate partner and marrying you before you had the chance to realize that was a mirage. This is just year one; who knows what other sordid tricks he’s got up his sleeve?
The surest way out of this quandary is to get out of this marriage. If you want to try to make it work, you two will need couples counseling, and he needs to be willing to seek help for what seems to be a sex addiction.
You might benefit from going to a meeting of S-Anon, for the friends and family of people with sex addictions (www.sanon.org).
Annie Lane, a graduate of New York Law School and New York University, writes this column for Creators Syndicate. Email questions to dearannie@creators.com.
Sarah Michelle Gellar Shares Funny Marital Advice on 16th Anniversary with Freddie Prinze Jr.
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes wishing you had a club and spade?
That’s the advice Sarah Michelle Gellar jokingly suggested after 16 years with her husband Freddie Prinze Jr. in honor of the couple’s anniversary.
Gellar, 41, posted an adorable selfie of the pair on Instagram Monday, writing, “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. But years later, you wish you had a club and a spade.”
Gellar and Prinze Jr. married on Sept. 1, 2002, after meeting on the set of the 1997 thriller I Know What You Did Last Summer.
Together, the duo shares 8-year-old daughter Charlotte Grace and 6-year-old son Rocky James.
RELATED: Proof Sarah Michelle Gellar & Freddie Prinze Jr.’s Sweet Relationship Is What Dreams Are Made of
Since they started dating in 2000, they have appeared in multiple films together including Scooby Doo and Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (as each other’s love interests, Fred and Daphne), and have voiced characters in Happily N’Ever After and Star Wars Rebels.
RELATED VIDEO: Sarah Michelle Gellar Opens Up About Working Out With Shannen Doherty
In 2016, Gellar told PEOPLE the secret to her successful marriage is paying attention to one’s partner.
“Take the 10 minutes – put the phone down. Have a cup of coffee together. Walk the dog at the end of the night. Read a story with your kids,” she said. “Make the most of the time that you have. We are all pulled in so many directions, so make sure that, whichever one you are focusing on, you’re present.”
That same year, Prinze Jr. revealed during a Facebook Live interview how he knew Gellar was the one for him.
“A lot of girls back then in Hollywood as far as actresses, they didn’t eat; they ate salad,” he said of the couple’s first date to a Los Angeles restaurant. “And I had gone on a date with a handful of them; they would never eat what I would eat. You have to have that in common with me if we’re going to get along.”
“And so Sarah came to dinner with me, and we sat down and she ate everything, including a crab that they let walk across the counter, then kill while it was alive in some oil and said, ‘It’s popcorn, try,’ ” he continued. “And she ate it without even blinking, and I was like, ‘Yo, my girl is legit.’ “
The other woman wants to be the only woman
Dear Amy: I am a 50-year-old married woman with two boys (one still a minor). I have been married to “Randall” for 27 years.
Randall is a doctor and I’m a stay-at-home mom. He is a good provider. We have a good life, but it is deficient in passion.
Six years ago, I fell in love with “Sam,” a married man (who also has two boys with his long-in-the-tooth wife).
Our long-distance affair lasted five glorious years until his wife found pictures of us. At her insistence, Sam reluctantly ended the affair and is remaining with her because it would “destroy her” if he left.
But he confessed to me that his passion for me endures and admitted that sex with me was the best he’s ever had.
In the year since breaking up, I cannot stop thinking of Sam. I am sure he is dreaming of me.
How can I convince Sam that life is too short to stay with a woman he doesn’t really love, and that he and I are meant to be together?
– Inconsolable
Dear Inconsolable: I find it hard to focus on your actual question, because a white-hot ball of rage seems to have lodged behind my eyes.
Your selfishness is astounding. Your husband deserves to know that during the last several years he has spent being “a great provider” for his family, you have chosen to honor his efforts by lying and cheating. Granted you no doubt would like for him to continue to provide, but I hope he wakes up and smells the deceit. Does he want to stay married to you?
Read more:
You are living a lie with one man, and pining for another. I hope you will find other, more worthwhile ways to define yourself. Life is too short!
Sex and passion are on one side of the relationship coin, and “love” is on the other. Sex and passion can be fickle and fade, but real love endures. Sam might actually love his wife. Leave him alone.
Dear Amy: I am in a powerless situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months. We met at college, and are very happy. We are pursuing different majors.
He’s in a particularly difficult major, taking very difficult classes, and his grades haven’t been the best.
He’s been passing, but not with great grades.
His mother recently became aware of this and gave him an ultimatum: He can either break up with me, or leave the college and move back home.
We love each other and don’t want to end our relationship, but I also don’t want him to have to leave school.
His mother believes that our relationship is too distracting for him and that he needs to focus only on school.
He tried to argue that I’ve helped him by studying with him, and also quizzing him.
Nothing seems to convince her that our relationship is beneficial to him.
I have never met her or spoken to her and feel completely powerless in this situation.
– Powerless in Florida
Dear Powerless: Your boyfriend’s mother has given him a strange ultimatum. A more appropriate one would have been for him to simply pull his grades up, or leave college. Parents who interfere to this extent in their kids’ relationships don’t win. She is inviting him to either lie about the relationship, or to come home because she doesn’t like his academic performance – and then she will have a resentful college dropout on her hands. And by the way, if he leaves school, does he get to stay in the relationship with you?
Your guy should negotiate by asking his mother to give him a semester to show improvement. He may need to consider a different major.
He should decline to discuss your relationship with his mother. Part of emerging adulthood is learning to self-regulate (perhaps limiting your time together so he can get his work done). This is his responsibility, not yours, but if you can help him to budget his time without pressure from you, then you should.
Dear Amy: “Frustrated” was facing the heartbreak of a daughter with addiction.
My wife and I dealt with the exact same thing, and we were extremely angry, sad and frustrated.
After years in and out of recovery, our daughter overdosed and could not be revived. I wish we had been more understanding.
– Grieving
Dear Grieving: Your reactions were human. So is your loss and grief. Many families are experiencing this right now, and it is heartbreaking. My sincere condolences.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
Read or Share this story: https://on.freep.com/2MPkIUo
