Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
Amy Dickinson: Husband wants to rekindle sex-starved marriage – La Crosse Tribune
Dear Amy: After 10 years of therapy and antidepressants for PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, my wife of 20 years has decided that she can no longer tolerate sex or sexual activity, including kissing. All she wants is to hug and hold hands.
She believes this state is permanent and necessary for her healing.
Amy, we are only in our 50s. I am far too young to no longer have any sexual activity.
I have compassion for her pain, but this feels unbearable to me.
I have supported her through all her therapy, but I also want her to support my needs and desires, also.
We have twin teenagers who are wonderful. We have lots of friends and a happy house.
I want to also have a wife, not just an affectionate roommate.
My own therapist thinks that my wife should try harder on my behalf.
What should I do? — Desperate Husband
Dear Desperate: Your therapist is most likely going to support your goals; your wife’s therapist will naturally encourage and support her goals.
Because you are both so open to receiving therapy, you should consider committing to joint counseling; that way, at least you will both be coached through a conversation about this very important topic.
Of course your needs are every bit as important as your wife’s, but in a partnership the person with the lower libido will control the connection.
You seem to have had a sexual connection at some point in your marriage, and it is natural to want to maintain — or restore — this connection. Some unknown event may have triggered your wife’s current reaction to you; menopause or medication for her depression may be a contributing factor to her low libido and sex aversion. Her sexual history is traumatic — this is the X-factor in your dynamic.
I hope she is willing to try to recover your intimate connection as a couple. The effort of keeping you at arms-length, and feeling responsible for your unhappiness, will contribute to the aversion cycle.
You two make mutual decisions about your house, your friendships and your children. Your sex life should be mutual, too. When your wife refuses to kiss you, you feel unwanted and unloved. If you describe your desire for intimacy in heartfelt and emotionally relatable terms, she might understand and empathize with your needs.
Esther Perel is a therapist specializing in working with couples. Her TED talks and podcast offer fascinating insight into relationship dynamics. Her book: “Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” (Harper Paperbacks, 2017) will offer ideas for how you and your wife could try to relate differently.
Dear Amy: I usually host the holiday dinners, and every year I listen to my husband complain about my brother’s eating habits. No matter what the entree, my brother uses ketchup and puts it on most things on his plate.
It is not something I would do, but my husband is offended and outraged. His position is that it’s an insult to me — and the time, energy and expense involved to make a meal.
I’m not offended. I think it’s odd, but it really doesn’t affect me.
This year, my husband chose to make remarks loud enough for my brother to hear but not directly to him.
I was furious and after everyone left I told him I thought his behavior was rude and completely disrespectful to both me and my brother.
Needless to say, he does not agree. How do I navigate this minefield at the next holiday dinner? — Holiday Stressed
Dear Stressed: You could offer a simple solution to your husband: If he will prepare and serve the holiday meal, then he will have earned the right to feel offended if your brother smothers the food in ketchup.
Your husband does not have the right to be rude and claim that it is on your behalf.
A most gracious host accepts people as they are, annoying quirks and all.
Dear Amy: Responding to “Unsure Grandparents,” about giving gifts to step-grandchildren, I was the step-grandchild who spent 10 Christmases watching my cousins open the latest clothing, toys and electronics, gifted by our “grandparents,” while my sister and I were given a sweatshirt and pants that were obviously from discount stores.
If these grandparents can’t or don’t wish to treat these two children the same, then they should find other ways to dote on their son’s child that won’t rub the sibling’s face in it. — Been There
Dear Been There: Wise. Thank you.
Husband wants to rekindle sex-starved marriage – Detroit Free Press
Dear Amy: After 10 years of therapy and antidepressants for PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, my wife of 20 years has decided that she can no longer tolerate sex or sexual activity, including kissing. All she wants is to hug and hold hands.
She believes this state is permanent and necessary for her healing.
Amy, we are only in our 50s. I am far too young to no longer have any sexual activity.
I have compassion for her pain, but this feels unbearable to me.
I have supported her through all her therapy, but I also want her to support my needs and desires, also.
We have twin teenagers who are wonderful. We have lots of friends and a happy house.
I want to also have a wife, not just an affectionate roommate.
My own therapist thinks that my wife should try harder on my behalf.
What should I do?
– Desperate Husband
Dear Desperate: Your therapist is most likely going to support your goals; your wife’s therapist will naturally encourage and support her goals.
Because you are both so open to receiving therapy, you should consider committing to joint counseling; that way, at least you will both be coached through a conversation about this very important topic.
Of course your needs are every bit as important as your wife’s, but in a partnership the person with the lower libido will control the connection.
Read more:
You seem to have had a sexual connection at some point in your marriage, and it is natural to want to maintain – or restore – this connection. Some unknown event may have triggered your wife’s current reaction to you; menopause or medication for her depression may be a contributing factor to her low libido and sex aversion. Her sexual history is traumatic – this is the X-factor in your dynamic.
I hope she is willing to try to recover your intimate connection as a couple. The effort of keeping you at arms-length, and feeling responsible for your unhappiness, will contribute to the aversion cycle.
You two make mutual decisions about your house, your friendships and your children. Your sex life should be mutual, too. When your wife refuses to kiss you, you feel unwanted and unloved. If you describe your desire for intimacy in heartfelt and emotionally relatable terms, she might understand and empathize with your needs.
Esther Perel is a therapist specializing in working with couples. Her TED talks and podcast offer fascinating insight into relationship dynamics. Her book: “Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” (Harper Paperbacks, 2017) will offer ideas for how you and your wife could try to relate differently.
Dear Amy: I usually host the holiday dinners, and every year I listen to my husband complain about my brother’s eating habits. No matter what the entre, my brother uses ketchup and puts it on most things on his plate.
It is not something I would do, but my husband is offended and outraged. His position is that it’s an insult to me – and the time, energy and expense involved to make a meal.
I’m not offended. I think it’s odd, but it really doesn’t affect me.
This year, my husband chose to make remarks loud enough for my brother to hear but not directly to him.
I was furious and after everyone left I told him I thought his behavior was rude and completely disrespectful to both me and my brother.
Needless to say, he does not agree. How do I navigate this minefield at the next holiday dinner?
– Holiday Stressed
Dear Stressed: You could offer a simple solution to your husband: If he will prepare and serve the holiday meal, then he will have earned the right to feel offended if your brother smothers the food in ketchup.
Your husband does not have the right to be rude and claim that it is on your behalf.
A most gracious host accepts people as they are, annoying quirks and all.
Dear Amy: Responding to “Unsure Grandparents,” about giving gifts to step-grandchildren, I was the step-grandchild who spent 10 Christmases watching my cousins open the latest clothing, toys and electronics, gifted by our “grandparents,” while my sister and I were given a sweatshirt and pants that were obviously from discount stores.
If these grandparents can’t or don’t wish to treat these two children the same, then they should find other ways to dote on their son’s child that won’t rub the sibling’s face in it.
– Been There
Dear Been There: Wise. Thank you.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamyamydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2018/12/13/marriage-sex-relationship/2154130002/
Wedding Planners Share Their Top Tips for Ensuring Your Reception Has a Real Party Atmosphere – Martha Stewart Weddings
If ever you’ve thought, “I just want my wedding to feel like the biggest dance party,” these tips, straight from expert wedding planners, should be right up your alley. Whether you choose to set a theme that inspires your guests to go all-out or hire the highest-energy entertainment available, this three essential pieces of advice will ensure your reception has the party atmosphere you’ve been dreaming of.
Related: How to Throw a Tasteful Themed Wedding
Set a Theme
Parties are always a little extra wild when there’s a theme thrown into the mix. Wedding planner Jessica Sloane says, “I have clients who want their wedding in the jungle of Tulum to be really unconventional, so we’re setting the tone with a suggestive dress code that’s fashion-forward and hiring a DJ with a burning man vibe!” Other themes might include an elegant toga party, a summer camp experience, or old Hollywood glamour. Themes allow guests to escape their typical wedding mindset and let loose.
Hire High-Energy Entertainment
The best way to create an atmosphere of big energy and celebration is by bringing the right entertainment on board. That could mean having a really big band with multiple singers and a horn section, or it could mean having a DJ who works with a live drummer. Wedding planner Amy Nichols says, “Epic entertainment isn’t just limited to music. You can surprise your guests with a performance of some sort, like synchronized swimmers or Samba dancers! If it’s something that’s unique to you and your story, that’s even better.”
Add an Element of Surprise
You don’t have to have a wedding where the whole reception takes place in one zone. Instead, Nichols says, “Keep the surprises coming! If your venue allows for it, transition the spaces where your guests are so that you have cocktails in one space, dinner in another, dancing in a third, and then have a late-night lounge in another spot. You can do different décor or different themed cocktails in each spot.” She recommends following a 30-minute rule after dinner, in which you mix things up every half hour so guests are always engaged. Sounds like a recipe for a memorable celebration!
How to Officiate Your First Wedding (and Why You’d Want To) – The New York Times
You don’t need to go to seminary to officiate a wedding. In fact, depending on where you live, it may take only a few clicks of a mouse. Here’s everything you need to know about officiating your first wedding, from getting ordained to writing the ceremony — and why you’d even want to in the first place.
Why Would You or a Friend Want to Officiate a Wedding?
Not all people have a pastor, rabbi, imam or other religious leader in their life, especially one they would want to handle such a big event. “Because the wedding officiant plays such an important role in communicating these aspects to the guests, many couples ask friends or family to do the honors,” said Lewis King, director of communications at American Marriage Ministries. “They want someone officiating who understands who they are, and who has a past and future with the couple.”
My sister and her husband, Greer and Chris Spangler, were one such couple, and being one of the more religious members of their family, they asked me to officiate their wedding. “Since he is family, the details of his ‘homily’ matched perfectly with our personalities and values,” Mrs. Spangler said. “During stressful moments, it was reassuring to have someone we love and trust standing next to us. A stranger would not have been able to provide that same comfort.”
Mr. King said it was “important to note that L.G.B.T.Q. couples were at the forefront of this trend, since most mainstream churches discriminated against them in the past.”
“Back in the day, it wasn’t uncommon for interracial couples to also be turned away,” he said. “Unfortunately, these attitudes are still around, and it’s sometimes hard for couples to find ministers that will accept them for who they are. Online ordination eliminates the potential for discrimination by removing the gatekeepers.”
If you decide to have a friend or family member perform the ceremony, choose wisely. You want someone who knows you well, will respect your wishes for the service and is comfortable speaking in public. Just because someone’s your best friend doesn’t mean he or she is polished at the podium, so think about who you know who checks all those boxes — and try to pick someone who can make it through the ceremony without crying!
How to Get Ordained Online
A number of interfaith religious organizations provide online ordination, such as American Marriage Ministries and the Universal Life Church. (Don’t be thrown by the names — even atheists are welcome to get ordained.) The end result is generally the same, and both are free, so pick whichever one you like and apply for ordination through its website.
Depending on where the wedding takes place, that may be all you need to do. “In almost all states, there are no legal hurdles to getting ordained online and performing a legally binding wedding ceremony,” Mr. King said. “The majority of states don’t even require ministers to register with their local government office. Once ordained, ministers are empowered to conduct the ceremony and sign the marriage license.” You can check out A.M.M.’s Legal Requirements tool to see what your state or county requires. New York City is one of the stricter locations and requires you to appear in person at the city clerk’s office to register (and it will come with a $15 fee.) Virginia is the most troublesome state, denying most ministers who get ordained online, but A.M.M. has information on combating this here.
In addition, there have been certain instances of county clerks issuing marriage certificates that were later found invalid during divorce proceedings. If you’re unsure about the laws in your state, speak to a lawyer or — better yet — advise the couple get married at City Hall the day before, after which they can enjoy the ceremony of their dreams with the officiant of their choice.
How to Write a Memorable Ceremony
Getting ordained is actually the easy part. Crafting an awesome ceremony, on the other hand, can be a bit daunting. Here are a few tips to help get you through the process.
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Interview the couple — and their friends and family. You were chosen to officiate because you know the couple and can make the ceremony personal. But that doesn’t mean you have to rely on your own memory. Talk to the couple about their relationship, and interview some friends and family too. You should be able to come up with some good stories to work with — how they met, how he or she proposed, their favorite memories together, or even what they love about each other. My sister and her husband, for example, regularly crossed paths for 15 years before they actually met, which made for a fun twist on their story when I officiated.
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Figure out the structure. Most wedding ceremonies follow a similar pattern, so it’s helpful to use that as a skeleton. Both American Marriage Ministries and the Universal Life Church have online tools and paper packets to walk you through a traditional ceremony. From there, you can adjust to your (and the couple’s) liking. Maybe you want to split up or rearrange a few items. Maybe the couple have decided to write their own vows or have a friend do a reading at some point in the ceremony. Many couples choose to do a special ceremony toward the end, like the unity candle, sand, or wine box ceremony. You’ll need to choose every detail, right down to the words used for the rings or the presentation of the couple, so ask them what they want.
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Get inspiration. If you’re having trouble coming up with ideas for the ceremony, broaden your search. Ask your friends and family what they did at their weddings. Search around wedding forums on the internet. Or, perhaps best of all, look up wedding ceremonies on YouTube — this can really help you get a feel for the different kinds of ceremonies and the different tones they can take.
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Write the invocation. The main portion of the ceremony, known as the invocation, will involve your “speech,” and you definitely don’t want to ad-lib it … so start writing down ideas. Many officiants choose to start with a story or two about the couple, then zoom it out to a lesson on marriage. If you don’t feel you are an authority on the subject, you can lean on outside advice to craft this, whether it’s Bible verses, quotations from long-married family members, or something else. Then practice it, over and over again, until you feel comfortable. You don’t have to do it from memory (I had an iPad at the altar with me), but the less you are reading from a sheet of paper, the better.
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Help the couple stay on track. Since they have to plan every aspect of the wedding, they will have their hands (and brains) full. It’s up to you to keep the ceremony running smoothly: Make sure the best man has the rings, tell them where to stand at the rehearsal and remind them to bring the marriage license for signing after the ceremony. I recommend you mail the signed marriage license for the couple, since they will most likely be off to their honeymoon the morning after.
In the end, a successful ceremony comes down to two things: research and practice. The more digging you can do for cute stories and moving anecdotes about the couple, the more personal the ceremony will feel. And the more you run through the ceremony in front of a mirror — or a close, trusted friend — the smoother it’s going to go on wedding day.
