Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
Relationship Advice For Couples After The First Year Of Marriage – YourTango
Things will change for the better.
When I got married a little over a year ago, I assumed nothing would really change in my relationship post-nuptials. After all, I had read plenty of marriage advice, and at that point my now-husband and I had been together three years before we got engaged, and four years total before we said “I do.”
And for two of those years, we lived together, sharing a tiny one-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn. So wouldn’t marriage simply be an extension of the life we had already built together?
In many ways, the answer to that question is yes. For me, marriage did not change the day-to-day of our relationship, and I suspect that would be the same for most couples who cohabitate before matrimony (as half of American couples do).
But in other ways, I did feel changes to our relationship, albeit subtle ones that had more to do with how I felt about things rather than the circumstances or logistics.
The lessons I learned can apply to any long-term committed partnership, not just a marriage. Some of these changes were lessons that I was learning over time throughout the relationship, but that solidified once we married.
The best relationship advice can’t always prepare you for holy matrimony. So, here are 4 ways my relationship has changed in the first year of marriage.
1. I learned the importance of picking your battles.
No matter what stage of a relationship, a couple can benefit from the mantra, “Pick your battles,” and I would add, pick them wisely. When you share a life together there are bound to be disagreements, conflict, and frustration. I learned early on in my relationship that not every disagreement is worth arguing about, but this lesson only intensifies in a marriage.
It’s the feeling that, because you’re in it for the long-term, keeping the peace and limiting negative energy is just necessary. This does not mean I would ignore my feelings if my husband did something to bother me, but it did mean that I could no longer speak without a filter, as I had done for a long time.
Taking a step back or a deep breath before you decide to bring up an irritation or perceived wrong can go a long way toward keeping the marital accord.
2. I learned what acceptance really means.
The idea that acceptance of your partner’s ways of doing things is essential, and goes a long way toward minimizing conflict.
For example, while I thrive on checking things off my to-do list, my husband often completes projects or tasks in a round-about, drawn out way that usually takes a lot longer than if I had just done it myself. If I asked him to put up a piece of artwork in our apartment, it would get done… but not right away and not without several reminders from me.
At first, I would take his slowness and laid back attitude personally — like he didn’t care that I wanted something done and would do it in his own sweet time. It really irked me and was the subject of several battles, especially when we bought a house and fought over the length of time it was taking to complete the renovations.
But I began to realize that my husband’s way of doing things is just that — how he does things, how he lives and operates in the world. He does not value efficiency as I do, but he does prize doing things well and right, even if that means it takes more time.
Sometimes those values compete with each other, but that’s okay. Neither way is right or wrong, they’re just different ways of living. Accepting what’s important to your partner and allowing them to live the way they want to live (so long as it’s not destructive) prevents strife, and is one of the greatest gifts we can give to our partners.
3. Our fights became “cleaner.”
I’ll admit it, my husband and I have had some pretty awful fights. The ones that you don’t get over the next day, the biting words of which you carry with you, breeding resentment. Those are the worst kinds of feuds — the ones that linger, and, if left unchecked, can poison your relationship.
Once we got married it became more clear to me than ever that these kinds of altercations — the ones that inflict relationship damage — just can’t happen. When we’re angry and hurt, it’s easy to want the other person to feel as bad as we do, especially when we blame our partner for making us feel that way.
But in long-term relationships, one of the best pieces of marriage advice is that couples should learn how to fight “clean” — that is, how to express disagreement without going overboard and causing damage to the relationship. When my husband and I married, we both realized the importance of tempering our arguments and not saying things that we would later regret.
4. My notion of “winning” changed.
In a marriage or long-term partnership, there is no individual “winning” anymore — you’re now a team, and the happiness of both people is necessary in order for the relationship to work. In the past, I thought that winning meant convincing my husband to do what I wanted to do, or persuading him to see things my way. That’s no longer true, because I found that winning in a relationship often means compromise.
My husband and I are very different in certain ways. Take our vacationing styles, for example. While I’m perfectly content relaxing on the beach with a good book all day, my husband likes to do more cultural activities and explore the surrounding area. In the past, I would try to convince him that, because we work so hard in our normal lives, a vacation means time to unwind, not walking around museums.
But laying on the beach all day didn’t make him happy, and when your partner is unhappy, that affects the overall health of your union. So now, on vacations we do a little bit of what we both like: a few days on the beach, a few days in museums. Instead of fighting against each other, we have embraced our differences and have learned to navigate them in ways that make us both happy.
And while true happiness may lie within one’s self, life is a lot better when your partner is happy, too, and making that effort to address their needs will not go unnoticed.
Brittany L. Stalsburg is a communications strategist, gender & politics expert, and the creator of the blog, Women Want To Be On Top.
The Unlikely Marriage of Alexander Hamilton and His Wife, Eliza – Biography
When Elizabeth “Eliza” Schuyler married Alexander Hamilton in December 1780, the pair would have seemed a great mismatch on paper. She was rich, he was poor. She came from a well-established, highly-regarded family, he was an orphaned immigrant. But despite these differences, the pair formed a lasting bond that has been the subject of numerous books and the award-winning musical, “Hamilton.”
Eliza descended from some of America’s most prominent early families
Born in August 1757, she was one of eight surviving children of Philip Schuyler and Catherine von Rensselaer. Catherine, also known as Kitty, was the daughter of one of New York State’s oldest, richest and most prominent Dutch families. A noted beauty, she was a bright star on the social scene of Albany before and after her marriage.
Philip also hailed from a prominent family and he commanded a militia during the French and Indian War of the 1750s. He eventually became a prominent landowner, with tens of thousands of acres in the Albany area. He served several stints in the Continental Congress and was involved in planning a number of notable Revolutionary War battles, including the surprising Colonial victory at Saratoga in 1777, the first widespread British defeat and a turning point of the war. After the war he was active in both local and national politics, even serving as a U.S. senator from New York from 1789 to 1791 — losing his seat to none other than Aaron Burr (who would eventually kill his future son-in-law Alexander in a duel).
Eliza had pedigree, money and status… and Hamilton had none
Hamilton’s prospects were far less promising. He was born c. 1755 on the island of Nevis, in the British West Indies. His mother, Rachel Faucette, had been born there to British and French Huguenot parents. He was born out of wedlock, a status that his political opponents would later seize on. Because his mother had never divorced her first husband, Hamilton’s father, James, abandoned the family, likely to prevent Rachel from being charged with bigamy. A single mother, Rachel struggled to provide for Alexander and his brother before she died in 1768, leaving him an orphan.
But while Hamilton came from an impoverished background, he had two key traits that would help propel him to the top — intelligence and ambition. He found work at a local import-export firm, where he quickly impressed his bosses. A lifelong reader who was largely self-educated, he soon set his sights far beyond his tiny island home. In 1772, after writing a powerful essay describing the devastation inflicted on Nevis by a recent hurricane, a group of local businessmen took up a collection to send young Hamilton to America to continue his education.
Hamilton and Eliza came of age on the eve of a Revolution
Hamilton attended King’s College, now Columbia University, and dived head first into the political debate and heady atmosphere that was pre-war New York City. Just a teenager, he made a name for himself writing pamphlets and articles supporting the Revolutionary cause. But while his brilliance was apparent to those who met him, Hamilton was eager to prove himself on the field, not just with the pen. In the early months of the war he formed an artillery company and later served at the battles of White Plains, Trenton and Princeton. By early 1777, he’d made enough of a name for himself that several Colonial generals asked him to join their staffs. Still eager to find glory in battle, he turned them all down. But when George Washington asked him to become his aide-de-camp, Hamilton embarked on what was, arguably, the second most important relationship of his life. The two became extremely close. The orphaned immigrant had found a father figure, and Hamilton became like a son to the future president.
Thanks to her father’s role in the war and her family’s social status, these years were a time of excitement for Eliza as well. Largely educated at home, she was bright and good-natured. Attractive, if not beautiful. Prominent military and political figures made frequent visits to the Schuyler homes, including a young officer named Alexander Hamilton, who briefly stayed with the family while traveling through Albany.
Despite their differences, the pair quickly bonded
Some two years after their brief meeting in Albany, Eliza and Hamilton met again at a party given for Washington’s staff by Eliza’s aunt in the winter of 1780, near Morristown, New Jersey. Hamilton was surely aware of Eliza’s wealth and connections, which likely played a role in his initial attraction to her. And Eliza knew enough about his impoverished background to give cause for concern. But she was immediately smitten with the brilliant, charming young man, and the two quickly started up a correspondence.
Eliza’s initial fears that her family would disapprove of the relationship were soon eased. The entire Schuyler family seemed as taken with Hamilton as she was. Oldest sister Angelica formed a deep friendship with Hamilton, and the two would exchange political and personal advice until Hamilton’s death. Philip Schuyler shared similar politics with Hamilton, and, like Eliza and others, realized that Hamilton’s star was on the rise — thanks in no small part to his role at Washington’s side.
Their married life was tumultuous
Unlike two of Eliza’s sisters (including Angelica) who had eloped due to family doubts about their husbands, Eliza received her father’s blessing. On December 14, 1780, the couple wed at the family home in Albany.
Theirs would be a loving marriage, though not without heartbreak and pain. They would raise a large family but see their eldest son killed in a duel while defending his father’s honor. Hamilton would reach the heights of government and power but be tripped up by his own arrogance, ambition and hubris. Eliza would weather a storm of pain and embarrassment following very public revelations of Hamilton’s adultery.
But she remained steadfastly loyal to him, and after his death in 1804, it was Eliza who would ensure Hamilton’s contributions to the founding of America were never left out of the history books. She died aged 97, in 1854.
Help! I’m a Married Dad Who’s Fallen in Love With a Much Younger Co-Worker. – Slate
Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by master1305/iStock/Getty Images Plus.
Daniel Mallory Ortberg is online weekly to chat live with readers. Here’s an edited transcript of this week’s chat.
Daniel Mallory Ortberg: Good morning, all; let’s chat!
Q. Heartbreak: This is so difficult to write. I’m a 46-year-old married man and father that has fallen in love with a woman at work that is 20 years younger than I am. We work in separate offices on different teams but have made a long-distance connection that grew to something serious. We’ve told each other how we feel, but having a real relationship is complicated for obvious reasons. We’ve never even kissed, but I’ve considered blowing my life up and moving to another state to be near her.
Recently I learned that she’s been seeing another man in her office for the last month or two. She didn’t mention it, I think to avoid hurting me, but I could tell something was off. They are closer in age, have similar jobs, and importantly are both single. I’m devastated, much more so than I thought possible. We’ve talked about it, and while we both have strong feelings for each other, it just seems like the cards are stacked against us. Rationally I want her to be happy and it’s totally not fair of me to make her feel guilty for moving on with her life, but it hurts so badly. I’ve never felt like this, I feel like I’m coming apart. Do I let her go and swallow the pain because it’s probably what’s best for her, or do I throw away the life I’ve made to fight for her and a chance at happiness?
A: If you would like to divorce your wife and set up a custody agreement for your children in order to try to convince a co-worker 20 years your junior—who lives in another state and has never kissed you—to break up with her other boyfriend, you are free to do so. The cards are not “stacked against you.” She is dating someone else. I think your time and energy might be better served in asking why you consider that dispiriting vision of the future “a chance at happiness,” preferably with a therapist.
Q. Family needs therapy, but also a blank slate: My family has been in flux for my entire life. My parents are unhappily married, my 30-year-old sister still lives with them, and the house is filled with drinking, mental illness, and WASP-y avoidance. I moved away at 18, got therapy, and feel great as long as I maintain boundaries to avoid getting embroiled in family stress. They recently opened up about wanting to do some kind of family therapy, so we got on the same page, found a therapist, and confirmed an appointment. Then my sister said she’d rather use her own therapist. Over the years, she has said, “I talked to my therapist about you, and she thinks you’re [insert armchair diagnosis here]” to family members. Does this feel unethical, or at least imbalanced? Should I stick to my guns about seeing someone new to all of us? Or am I just getting caught up in chaos by holding out hope?
A: Your sister has been pretty upfront about wanting to see a therapist she feels like belongs to her, or is at least “on her side.” She wants to win therapy. This is a great way to have a miserable, fruitless, antagonistic experience in therapy. Tell her that while you’re willing to see someone new to all of you who can help you communicate differently and identify patterns, you don’t want to turn any one of your individual therapists into marriage and family therapists. If she says, “It’s my therapist or no one,” then you can politely decline and go back to keeping your distance.
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Q. Our first car: My partner and I are planning to buy our first car together. Our finances are joint, and the car would be a joint purchase. But there’s a catch. My partner never learned to drive, doesn’t have a license, and isn’t particularly interested in getting one. In discussing what kind of car we want to get, it’s clear that we have different preferences. I’d rather get a smaller car that’s cheaper, easier to park, and more fuel-efficient. My partner prefers an SUV because he feels safer and also likes sitting higher off the ground. He has gone so far as to say that if I insist on a smaller car, he won’t travel in it. So how much say does the nondriver have in a joint household car purchase? To further complicate, I am the primary breadwinner in our family, while my partner finishes school.
A: Your partner may “feel safer” in an SUV, but to whatever extent any car can be perfectly safe, I guess, there are plenty of perfectly safe smaller cars to choose from. And “I like sitting higher off the ground” doesn’t really match up against “We’d save money on the original purchase and on buying fuel if we got something smaller.” That doesn’t mean your next move should be “You can’t drive and I make more money, so kiss off,” exactly, but practical concerns need to outweigh “It’s fun to sit up above everyone else.” (Which it is! I’m very sympathetic to your partner’s preference there!) If your partner actually follows through with his promise and insists on taking public transportation instead of a modestly priced sedan, the seats on the bus are very high.
Q. Does my partner have an eating disorder?: My partner and I (both genderqueer) have recently moved in together, and while we’re both incredibly happy living together, the move has put a massive strain on our combined finances, compounded with stress brought on by unrelated health events. Since the move, my partner has noticeably gained a significant amount of weight in a very short time, and their eating patterns have changed. (I’m wildly attracted to my partner no matter what their weight.) They’ve disclosed to me that they battled an eating disorder in the past, and these eating behaviors resemble the ones my partner engaged in during that time.
I don’t know whether I should say anything to my partner. Their happiness and well-being are tantamount to me, and I don’t want to make them feel like I’m uninterested in them. What do I do? Should I say nothing but possibly enable an eating disorder relapse? Or should I say something and possibly upset my partner?
A: You have grounds as a partner to ask in a way that’s not automatically judgmental or prying, I think, particularly because your real concern is the sudden change in habit rather than your partner’s size. “You’ve told me you’ve had trouble with eating disorders before, and I wanted to talk to you about that again because I don’t know how I can best be helpful to you. Is it the sort of thing where you want to be able to check in with me about it? Would you rather talk about it with someone who isn’t me? Is there anything I can do that would help relieve some of the stress you’re facing?” There’s a significant and obvious difference between concern trolling and genuine concern, and I think it will be fairly obvious that you’re only seeking to learn more about how your partner is doing and if there’s any way you can help.
Q. Odd interview question: I just found my perfect job. I’m well suited for it, and my potential new boss and I had a great interview and good chemistry—he even said he would hire me on the spot. But I didn’t get the job. I don’t think I got the job because when I was being interviewed by the owner of the company, he asked me a bunch of very personal questions about my sexual orientation, my family history, and whether I had kids or drama in my life. The questions really threw me off and I don’t have a great poker face—I know he could tell. The rest of my interactions with the owner felt uncomfortable. Do I have any legal opinions here?
A: You do! Contact your local Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and look into your options. You can find a field office here. Being asked about children and family status is definitely a sign that this office is likely screening applicants on a discriminatory basis. Good luck.
Q. What am I supposed to feel?: I am 31-year-old woman. I get asked on dates by eligible men on a regular basis. I go; I have a good time; 75 percent of the time we meet up again, have more dates. And then, after four or five weeks, I decide it’s not going to work, because I don’t feel anything. This has happened a lot. Most of the men I’m dating are great for me on paper. I like going out with them, too. I have fun and they’re lovely and we usually have a lot to talk about. I just can’t make myself feel like it’s necessary for me to keep seeing them. Being in a relationship doesn’t make me happy or sad. Being out of one doesn’t make me happy or sad. None of the men I’ve dated or been in relationships with has had any effect on my emotional state. It’s like I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel? Is this normal? Are a lot of people like this until they fall in love? Or am I blocking them out in some way? Not trusting them enough to let them in?
A: I do not think this is necessarily a problem! It would be different if you said, “My life is good, but I truly long to be in a committed relationship with a man and I really regret turning these guys down.” But you say that the men you’ve been in relationships with don’t have an effect on your emotional state. So the fact that you generally decide to exit those relationships after giving them the old college try is, I think, the most honest and kind thing you can possibly do! If you have fun on these dates, then by all means go on dates when the mood strikes you. But if you don’t want to rearrange your life just because you feel like you’re supposed to want to be in a relationship, then don’t force yourself.
If you haven’t already spent some time considering the possibility that you may in fact be interested in women, or the possibility that you may not want to date or be in a romantic relationship with anyone, then you might want to do so! But to answer your big question: Is the fact that you generally don’t feel strongly about these guys after a couple of weeks a sign that something is wrong with you, that you don’t trust enough, that there’s some sort of secret, hidden love for these men somewhere deep inside of you that you’ve managed to block from yourself? No, I don’t think so. I think you don’t feel strongly about them, and you quite wisely decide to end things before they start to feel too strongly about you. If being in relationships (with men, at least) doesn’t make you happy or sad, then don’t try to force yourself to be in them.
Q. Mental health stigma: My partner and I are in our mid-20s and have been together for four years. Our relationship is mostly amazing, he is my best friend, and we love each other. We have talked about getting married one day. The problem is that he suffers from depression and some other mental health issues (undiagnosed, hence my uncertainty). He has a history of trauma and abuse from past partners and his family. His family also raised him and his siblings with a deep and profound stigma around talking about or having mental illness. I have seen all of the siblings struggle with mental illness, and none have sought help for it due to this intense stigma. I have talked with my partner about this, and while he is very supportive of our friends when they talk about mental illness, and even encourages his siblings to seek therapy when they talk to him about anxiety, etc., he himself is extremely reluctant. He only began to even admit to me that he thinks he suffers from mental illness when we had already been together a while, despite my having witnessed him having panic attacks and other signs of difficulty. He tries to manage his mental health with exercise and journaling, but that is not working.
Many of his close friends recently moved away from our city, so he does not have a lot of people to confide in. I am his main confidant, and while I want nothing more than to be supportive of him, it is really hard for me to hear how much he is hurting, to listen to him talk about pain and/or hopelessness that I can do nothing to help with. As well, he is sometimes distant with me when he feels the most depressed. He acknowledges that this is difficult and unfair for me, and I agree! His best solution is just to confide in me less about his feelings, which is a solution I dislike strongly, because as hard as it is for me, I want to know, so I can be caring and supportive!
To make matters worse, he did try seeking therapy a couple of years ago but had a very bad experience with a therapist who he did not connect with. That combined with the stigma he learned growing up and the cost of therapy have made him reluctant to try again. He says he is going to look into it, but he has been saying that for almost a year, and nothing has changed. I hate to see him struggle, and while I can’t imagine leaving him, I also can’t imagine a life where I am so often dealing with someone else’s pain and hopelessness. What can I do to help him?
A: Are you seeing a therapist? It doesn’t sound like you are right now. I think you should make an appointment for yourself, for as soon as possible. Spending at least an hour a week with a therapist whose goal is to help you with your mental health would be a good thing, regardless of whether your boyfriend ever sets another foot in a therapist’s office, and regardless of whether you stay together or split up. You’ve been spending so much time and energy on figuring out your boyfriend’s reasons for avoiding therapy, for pinpointing exactly why he can’t call a friend or break out of his family’s hold. That’s both understandable and commendable—you two are in a long-term relationship, you love one another, you care about his well-being, and in a lot of ways, he’s trying pretty hard. But the task before you right now isn’t, “How can I try even harder to get my boyfriend to find a good therapist?” The task before you is, “How can I figure out what sort of life and relationship I can be happy in, regardless of whether my boyfriend decides to see a therapist?” If his strategy right now is, “OK, I’ll stop telling you when I’m unhappy, but I’ll continue to pull away and become distant during those times,” you get to ask yourself, “Does this strategy work for me? Does it contribute to my well-being? Can I imagine a long and happy relationship on this foundation?” See the therapist your boyfriend won’t. Whatever decisions you make next, I think you’ll be glad you set aside some time and money that’s just for you, not for trying to push your boyfriend a little further up that hill.
Q. Ruining the holidays!: After spending so much time reading about how other letter writers are “ruining the holidays,” now I am, apparently. My partner and I have been together for two years. Our first Christmas together, they went home to visit their family without me. Last year, they stayed home and celebrated Christmas with my little family. Now, this year, my partner wants me to come celebrate Christmas with their family, because many of them are very elderly, and so that I can experience a large family Christmas. My father is hurt, and my brother thinks I’m ruining the holidays. I’m in my 40s but have never been away from my family on Christmas. I understand that they will miss me, but how do I get through to them that I’m not doing anything wrong? My partner and I haven’t booked our holiday travel yet so there’s still a chance we won’t go away.
A: “I’ll miss you guys so much! I’ve never spent Christmas with [Partner’s] family and I’m really looking forward to it. I’d love to get together and have a little celebration before we leave, if you’re available.” That’s about as much quarter as you need to give, I think. It’s totally fine to acknowledge that your family is sad and will miss you, but it’s better to cheerfully not engage with any “ruining the holidays” rhetoric and to move ahead with buying your tickets.
“You’re ruining the holidays.”
“Oh, I disagree. I love you, and I’ll miss being with you, but we’ve spent over 40 Christmases together and we’ve got plenty more left in the future. I’ll talk to you later, gotta run!”
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Parenting advice from Care and Feeding
Q. Nosy neighbor?: I live in a small building—26 units—with some young families and other singles. It’s an expensive building, as is most every place in L.A. We mostly get along very well—except for a family with two small children, a 4-year-old girl and a 2-year-old boy. They live across the courtyard from me and the children are always crying and screaming; the mother is always yelling at them, inside their apartment and elsewhere. My next-door neighbor hears the worst of it: The other day, the mother put the girl outside the door and closed it because the child was screaming! She screamed louder! Then the mother took her inside and put her in her room and slammed the door and the child screamed some more. I don’t hear any of it; my neighbor shares a wall, so she does.
The neighbors who know about this hate what’s happening but don’t want to get involved; I think someone has to step up to help these children from being mistreated! I’ve had family members who were terribly abused and know lots of people who were abused as children, as well. As adults, they have said if only someone had said something when they were growing up, how different their lives may have been!
The father travels a lot for business and isn’t home a lot. He’s pretty passive, from what I can see. The mother is the screamer and he tries to calm her down. She doesn’t talk to anyone in the building and is an awful driver, too. She’s always on her cellphone—surprise!—even when the kids stuck their heads through the garage gate and almost got beheaded when another neighbor was pulling into the garage! We’re hoping the family moves out when their lease expires, but that won’t end the abuse/mistreatment.
Everyone else is a big fat chicken and I want to help the kids. Thank you.
Read the answer to this and other parenting quandaries in Slate’s Care and Feeding column.
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10 Ways To Take Care Of Yourself & Your Relationship When The Person You Love Is Diagnosed With Depression – YourTango
Don’t let love burn you out.
Self-care is an important part of life, but when your husband or wife is dealing with depression, it’s easy to sacrifice your needs while you take care of your loved one. But this shouldn’t be the case. Now, more than ever, you need to carve out time for self-care activities.
Learning how to practice self-care activities or finding self-care tips to help during this period is just as beneficial as taking care of your partner’s needs, since you don’t want to feel overwhelmed. Yes, your spouse is feeling depressed. This is stressful on any relationship.
When a depression diagnosis is unexpected, you might be wondering how something like this could have happened or what you should do next.
How will you manage this? You still have to take care of the house and make lunches for the kids. Not to mention your own work. This doesn’t leave a lot of room, so how can you take care of yourself on top of everything else that’s going on?
You are probably thinking you can just forget about yourself. First of all, you need to know that you aren’t alone. More and more people are reporting that they are suffering from depression. Don’t try to hide this. Make sure to talk to your friends and family and seek out professional help.
There is hope, however. Many people have been able to manage their depression and live a happy life. You will be able to get through this. But it’s important that you take care of yourself so you don’t lose yourself in the process. That will only make you feel bitter and burnt out. You also won’t feel like showing love to your partner.
Here are 9 tips to help you start taking care of yourself now:
1. Set aside time for fun every day.
It can feel impossible trying to figure out how to focus on yourself when your spouse is dealing with depression. So giving yourself some “me-time” can help keep you from feeling burned out. Even if you don’t know what it will be, just set aside time for it. Write down fun on the calendar, even when you think you can’t possibly fit it in.
What are some fun things you’ve been wanting to do, that you never got around to?
Start with those today.
2. Practice being grateful.
When you wake up in the morning, think of 10 things you are grateful for instead of thinking about your list of things to do. Start the day by giving your mind a break and don’t worry about how to focus on yourself; instead, practice mindfulness to get yourself in a good mood. You don’t have to work on your list first thing in the morning. You can also think of what you are grateful for before you go to bed.
Start with a warm bed to sleep in and a roof over your head.
3. Create a positive mindset.
Take a good look at your thought process. How positive is it? Do you tend to focus on the negative, or go over all the regrets you have about the past?
Are you constantly worried about the future? Do you spend a lot of time predicting that things won’t work out? Depression can make things feel hopeless, even if you’re not the one who’s depressed. Mental health can be greatly supported by keeping a healthy outlook on your situation.
If you said yes to any of these questions, then it’s time to change your mindset. Start by enjoying the present moment. Take a look at your surroundings and start to slow down. Don’t believe the lies that your mind tells you. Start by picking one positive affirmation to focus on today. One of my favorites is, “I am enough.”
4. Go easy on yourself.
Most people tend to be the hardest on themselves. You are constantly beating yourself up. Comparing yourself to others is one of the worst things you can do. You will never feel good enough.
The next time you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up. Learn what you can and move forward. Everybody makes mistakes, it’s called being a human being.
5. Start your day with mindfulness.
Start every day with 10-15 minutes of mindfulness. This will help you clear your mind and get ready for the day. You might always wake up worrying about what you have to do that day, and if you would have enough time to get it all done. After you begin your day in a mindful way, you’ll know it’s all right if you don’t get everything done.
There is always tomorrow and the next day for that matter.
6. Schedule time slots when you don’t work.
You don’t have to have every time slot on your calendar filled with work. This may make you feel more productive, but you aren’t giving yourself a break. This will definitely lead to burning out in the long run.
You can set one up in the morning, the middle of the day, and in the evening. You can start small if you’d like: 5-10 minutes. When you take this time you can’t work or even think about work.
Go for a walk or just sit and relax. This will help keep you from feeling alone or feeling depressed along with your spouse.
I started this a while ago, and it has changed my life. I no longer feel fatigued in the middle of the day, and I am actually more productive.
7. Get enough sleep.
Research has found that more sleep equates to happiness. When you don’t get enough sleep, you are more forgetful and irritable. This also affects your work and home life.
Set up a sleep schedule. Try to go to bed at a regular time and get up at a regular time. But try not to stress over the sleep schedule. There will be times that it doesn’t work out, and that is all right.
8. Spend time with friends and family.
These are the people that support you the most. The next time you are feeling stressed out, give one of them a call. Instead of talking about what is stressing you out, talk about what you like.
Let them know about the latest podcast you just heard, or about the friendly guy you were talking to in the grocery store line. If you can’t think of anything, then invite them out on a fun adventure. Like, going for a hike or watching a funny movie.
9. Get outside!
Take in the fresh air and sunshine. Get out into nature. The outdoors is great for your mental health, and exercise can help decrease signs of depression and ward off unhappiness.
Notice the environment you are in. If you see a pretty flower, stop and look at it. Take a picture, if you’d like.
Notice the detail of the bark on the trees, or how the squirrels run up and down them. If there is water around, stop and look at how the sun glistens on the water. You can also ride your bike if you’d like. Just get outside and stop thinking about work and family. This is a great time to embrace the present.
10. Take time for yourself every day.
And stop feeling guilty about it! Even if it’s 10 minutes, it will make a big difference. Stop spending time with negative people.
They will only drain your energy. When you start to take care of yourself, you will begin to see your attitude and mood change. You will start to feel better about yourself, and this will drastically help your marriage when your spouse is battling with depression.
Relationships are an important part of your life, and you want to help your spouse through a difficult time. But while you’re helping them, remember this piece of marriage advice: Practice self-care as well, so that you can be a support to your partner and keep strong for yourself, as well.
Lianne Avila is a marriage and family therapist in San Mateo, CA, who helps those looking to create a life that is happier and more fulfilling. Subscribe to the newsletter on her website to learn more about her services and expertise.
This article was originally published at Lessons for Love. Reprinted with permission from the author.
