Relationships Talk

John Aiken, is a relationship and dating expert featured on Nine’s hit show Married At First Sight. He is a best-selling author, regularly appears on radio and in magazines, and runs exclusive couples’ retreats.

Every Saturday John joins 9Honey exclusively to answer your questions on love and relationships. Last week’s column is here.

If you have a question for John, email: dearjohn@nine.com.au.

Dear John,

I don’t want to invite my dad’s parents (my grandparents) to my wedding and I’m terrified of telling him.

They’ve never been overly close to me and our relationship over the years has consisted of seeing them maybe twice a year.

They don’t call for birthdays and nor do I. That’s compared to my mum’s parents, who are now deceased, who I was incredibly close to.

We are having a very small wedding, of around 50 people, and I don’t think it’s necessary to have them there considering our relationship. During our engagement party earlier this year, they never offered to help and they left about two hours in – I had to ask them to wait 10 minutes longer so I could cut the cake.

Why include them when I can have two others I speak to, and see, regularly? Yet, they are my grandparents after all. Please help.

‘I don’t find it necessary to invite them’ (iStock)

I disagree – I think it is necessary to have your Dad’s parents there, and I would think very carefully about the decision you’re about to make. Right now, you’re upset about the lack of involvement they’ve had in your life and some past grievances at your engagement party. I think it’s time to get over this, and be the bigger person here. You need to think big picture, and having them at your wedding will make things smoother down the track for everyone involved.

The big issue you have right now is that you’re hurting. You obviously wanted a very different relationship with your Dad’s parents (grandparents) than what you have right now. I get it. Your Mum’s parents had a very close and involved relationship with you all, and this is how you ultimately hoped everything would be. Unfortunately, extended families don’t always get along, and they have different expectations about their role with the grandkids. You wanted more – they’ve given you less.

But that’s life. You have to get over this and embrace them rather than want them to change. I know you’ve tried to have a better relationship with them, but it hasn’t worked. And it’s not going to. They are who they are, and this is as good as it’s going to get. But rather than cutting them out, accept them. This is all they can give, and that’s fine.

So I would absolutely include them in your wedding because they’re important family members, and they’re grandparents to your kids. They may not have behaved in the past in a way that you wanted, but this is who they are. Think the long game, and consider their ongoing contact with you down the track if you don’t invite them. It will cause ongoing pain and grudges that will never go away. Be the bigger person here, suck it up for one day, and then get on with living your own lives. It’s time to let go and accept that this is who they are, and you’re ok with this. Enjoy the wedding.

Dear John,

I just started seeing a guy who is six years younger than me. I’m 26 and he is 20. Should I be concerned or worried about the age difference? 

I was recently single for the past two years and this is the first relationship I’ve been in since then. I’m only worried that eventually the age difference will become a problem. I would rather know ahead of time if it will be a problem because I can’t handle getting hurt again. 

‘I’m worried the age difference will become a problem’ (Unsplash)

I’m sure there’s lots of people out there that don’t want to be hurt in a relationship, and want to know the future so they can avoid this. Unfortunately love doesn’t work this way. There’s no guarantees about what’s going to happen between you and your new man, and there could be some serious heartbreak ahead. On the other hand, he may be ‘the one’. So I don’t think you need to be concerned about the age difference right now, but instead, soak it up, stay present and enjoy the ride. You’ll find out everything in good time.

One of the biggest issues that you can have when you first start dating someone is that your head can get in the way and you begin to overanalyse everything. You start to worry about all sorts of things like how they dress, what they say, who their friends are, what they do for a living, and are they able to commit? For you, it’s all about the fact that your new boyfriend is 20 and you’re 26. And this is starting to really take you out of enjoying this new relationship.

Of course they’ll be some challenges with going out with a younger guy. You’re going to be hanging around a lot with 20 year olds, he probably won’t have the same life experience as you, you’ll probably have more money than him and will be paying for things, he might have a mother who still wants to control him and he may not be into serious commitment at this stage of his life. Frankly, the list could go on and on. Don’t start getting too consumed by this, and instead just enjoy dating him and observe.

That means meeting his friends, go out and have fun with him, enjoy the sex, and get to know him more. The greater time you spend together, the more you’re going to find out if you’ve got long-term potential. Over the next few months, you’re going to figure out where you stand with him, and then you can make some decisions. Not everyone gets to go out with a younger guy – here’s your chance to sit back and really enjoy it, understand the different challenges, and then either jump in or call it a day. And don’t worry about possible heartbreak – you’re grown up enough now to cope with this if it happens.

Dear John,

I’m a married male in my mid-30s, with three young kids, and I’ve been with my wife for over 10 years. I’d say my wife and I had an excellent relationship up until my first born arrived, exacerbated at the same time by increased demands at work. Like all parents, we became perpetually tired and started constantly bickering at each other. Fortunately, with active effort from both of us, things have recently improved and are currently reasonably good.

I met a work colleague “Jane”, almost three years ago, became friends, we developed mutual feelings and now I can’t get over her.

When I first met Jane, she had a partner and a toddler the same age as my eldest. We all hung out a handful of times as families. She has since separated from her partner (who turned out to be quite abusive), and obviously we don’t all hang out anymore.

At this time, my own relationship was on rockier grounds. I met Jane at a time where I may have been subconsciously seeking companionship outside my own primary relationship.

Jane and I send each other occasional texts, and meet up privately every few months to “catch up”, where we usually just update each other on our lives. I will say that in person, we get along well, make each other laugh, and enjoy each other’s company. She has never “forced the issue” as far as intruding on my marriage, saying that she couldn’t break up a marriage. We have never been remotely close to physical intimacy.

When Jane and I first professed feelings for each other, I told my wife, and she was understandably upset, and wanted me to stop all communication with Jane.

My guilt comes from my continued contact with Jane, against my wife’s wishes and without her knowledge. Though I no longer work with Jane (just the nature of my work environment), we still send occasional texts, and meet up very infrequently.

I am utterly unclear as to what my own intentions are, let alone hers. I guess what I want is for her to continue to be part of my life, albeit in a small infrequent way, i.e. via text messages every few months. I genuinely want her to do well in life, as she has been through a lot, and I care about her deeply as a person.

‘I am utterly unclear as to my own intentions’ (Unsplash)

Forget about what Jane’s feeling – you need to look at yourself. It’s time for you to hear some home truths. You’ve crossed the line with Jane and you’re having an emotional affair with her, and this has been ongoing for three years. It has made you less attentive and emotionally available as a husband and a father, and you’re currently lying and deceiving your wife with your behaviour. If you want your marriage to work, you have to front up and cut ties with Jane forever and focus on winning your wife back.

Right now, you’re in denial about what’s happening between you and Jane, and it’s time to face up to this. You’re currently cheating, and your marriage has absolutely no chance of surviving if this doesn’t change. You have told your wife about your feelings for Jane previously, and this has shattered the trust between you both. To ever have any possibility of re-building this again, Jane has to go.

That means no more contact ever. None. You need to delete her phone number, stop following her on Facebook, end all email correspondence and shut it all down. You cannot have a friendship with her because you’re in love with her. The feelings you have for her, and the lies that you’re telling your wife are inappropriate. And I’m not surprised even slightly that your feelings for Jane haven’t disappeared as your marriage has improved, because you haven’t cut Jane out of your life. It’s that simple.

Furthermore, if you really want the very best for Jane, then you need to let her go. At present, any contact you have with her doesn’t allow her to move on and meet someone new. You’re having an affair with her, and this stops any other men coming into her life. Don’t kid yourself, this is not friendship, you’re emotionally cheating here. And she needs a chance to move forward.

So you’ve got a decision to make. Is it going to be your wife and the kids, or Jane? You can’t have both.  Keep in mind, you and Jane are not friends – because what you’re both doing is not friendly and shows no respect to your wife. This is not complicated or confusing at all. It’s a simple choice. Do you want a mistress or a wife? The balls in your court. What’s it going to be?

The opinions expressed in this column are for general informational purposes only, are based on limited information and are not professional advice. You should always seek your own professional advice for your circumstances. Any actions taken are the sole responsibility of the reader, not the author or 9Honey.

Following someone on Instagram and liking their content is often the first step to a real-life flirtation and—I’m speaking off the cuff here—a real-life marriage. Recently on The View, Meghan McCain said that she “follow[s] Pete Davidson on Instagram” and felt “extreme compassion” for one of his posts, which she “saw over the weekend.” Hmmm… That was on Thursday. Seems like a long time to be thinking about a random person’s Instagram post…

Unless Davidson is not a random person, at least not to McCain. I’m not saying that, in following Davidson online, McCain has formed a little tiny baby crush on him or anything, or that she’s liked his posts or watched his Instagram Story or maybe even sent him a DM and that she’s waiting for him to notice her, too, I don’t know—but I’m NOT not saying that. Everyone I follow on social media is someone I have a crush on. That’s a fact.

Pete Davidson is a Golden Labradoodle of a man: weirdly tall, has big eyes, is sweet-looking. I get it. He’s also hurting right now, and needs a friend, a confidante—someone who understands him. Maybe McCain has never met Davidson, but by her own admission, she knows enough to know they’d have something in common. The post she liked was actually very sad—in it, Davidson describes how fans have bullied him since his breakup with ex-fiancé Ariana Grande, bringing his history of borderline personality disorder and suicidal ideation into the picture.

Everyone is terrible, except for McCain, who says she gets what Davidson is going through. “I do think it’s different when you’re someone like Pete Davidson, or someone like us. It’s not just social media,” she says. Later, she adds, “I know what it feels like to be hated in the same way Pete Davidson does. I’m not asking for sympathy, but I felt extreme compassion for his post.”

She’s not asking for sympathy, but she is not NOT asking for a date. Need more proof? I feel extreme compassion for the people I am falling for all the time. I refer to myself yet again because I experience emotion in the most average of ways—like the literal mathematical average of everyone—so it’s actually extremely relevant to note this parallel.

So this could work. After everything he’s been through—meteoric rise to fame and spectacularly bad breakup—Davidson needs someone sensible, down-to-earth, and stable, like a daytime talk show host. I know what Meghan McCain is feeling, and I believe it is the beginning of a crush, and I have some advice for her: When you have a crush, you have to tell them, or if you’re on Instagram, you gotta like a bunch of their posts in a row or leave a cute comment. It’s the end of the year and it’s a time for boldness because anything could happen. Love is in the air, and these two people deserve to find it. Perhaps together.

Toward the end of every year, many publications provide a list of year end tax planning ideas. These articles often suffer from not discussing the exceptions to the advice given. It is difficult to give advice that will apply to most taxpayers in a limited amount of space.

In a Barron’s Special Report included in The Wall Street Journal on December 6, 2018, Jill Schlesinger recommends the following:

“Use your gift-tax exclusion. You can give up to $15,000 ($30,000 with a spouse) to as many people as you wish in 2018, free of gift or estate tax.”

There is nothing untrue contained in this statement. However, 99.9% of the people in this country will not receive any tax benefit from using their annual gift tax exclusion. Gift or estate tax is only applied to gifts or estates greater than $11.2 million per individual ($22.4 million for a married couple). This exemption is scheduled to be reduced in half in 2026. At that time her advice would not be useful to 99.8% of the country. Of course, Congress could change the law to reduce the lifetime estate and gift tax exclusion. If that happened, maybe two or three percent of the taxpayers would benefit from making annual exclusion gifts before the end of the year. The only income tax benefit from making gifts to family or friends is if the donee is in a lower income tax bracket than the donor. If the gift were appreciated stock, the capital gains on the sale may be lower and as well as the tax on the future earnings (if any) on the gift.

The next recommendation in The Wall Street Journal article is as follows:

“Fully fund college-savings 529 plans. You can invest up to $15,000 in 2018, tax-free, without incurring a federal gift tax…”

Funding a Section 529 college savings plan may be a good idea for taxpayers who wish to prefund the cost of a college education for their children, grandchildren or other relatives. The Section 529 college savings plans have many attractive features. For example, the funds will grow free of federal income tax and can be withdrawn tax-free to the extent of college expenses. Another important benefit is that funder can be the owner of the Section 529 plan so that if the beneficiary does not go to college, the owner can decide whether to change the beneficiary to another relative or take back the funds. Even though you may remain the owner, the 529 plan is not included in your estate (if you are one of the relatively few people who will have to pay estate tax). A Section 529 plan is one of the only ways to get assets out of your taxable estate yet still have complete control of the funds.

What is wrong with the quote from the article is that the advice is misleading and confusing. “Fully funding a college-savings 529 plan” is not done with $15,000. Each state’s section 529 college savings plan sets a maximum account limit (generally in the $300,000 to $500,000 range). When that limit is reached, no further contributions are permitted to that account. Funding a section 529 plan as fast as possible is desirable in order to maximize the time for tax-free growth of the account. While it is true that “you can invest up to $15,000 in 2018, tax free, without incurring a federal gift tax,” you most likely can give away $11 million without paying a gift tax. The $15,000 refers to annual gift tax exemption ($30,000 for married couples who gift split). Gifts above that level are not subject to a gift tax unless you have already given away more that $11.2 million as an individual ($22.4 million as a married couple).  Gifts in excess of the annual exclusion almost never create a gift tax, they merely require the filing of Form 709 to keep track of the excess. One more benefit of a section 529 plan is that you can prefund 5 years of annual exclusion in one year without exceeding the annual exclusion. This allows parents or grandparents to put up to $75,000 (or $150,000 per couple) into a 529 plan for the benefit of an individual and treat the gift as being made over five years.