Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
Esther Perel's advice for keeping a relationship healthy – Quartz
Psychotherapist Esther Perel, who has become a go-to voice on intimate relationships, says she wrote a book about cheating “because I thought if people could use 10% of the imagination they put into their affairs in their marriages, the marriages would be doing fine.”
Beneath this playful comment was a serious message: That once we are in a relationship, much like a steady job, the temptation is to stop thinking about why we do what we do. That’s why Perel advises that the kinds of modern company structures which make work a knife-edge of possible gain or loss, held together by belief, effort, and creative thinking, are a better model for our love lives than the staid careers of an earlier moment in history.
Perel was giving a talk called Making Love Last in London to a huge room full of fans who had queued around the block to see her speak. She was joined onstage by Alain de Botton, founder of the School of Life—which organized the Dec. 4 event—and a philosopher and writer who has addressed long relationships (including in the popular article Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person).
De Botton suggested that we’re creative in modern life when it comes to structures like companies or other endeavors, and yet so “conventional and static” at home. “How else might we arrange our personal lives to allow individuality, creativity, invention, inventiveness, in a way that sometimes we don’t?” he asked Perel.
Perel counseled that personal relationships need “a little bit more anxiety” than the usual model of security allows. She’s not talking about having an affair—she has said she’d never advise one—but rather ensuring that the relationship contains two key elements: Ritual and risk.
Both of these will be familiar to entrepreneurs and founders trying to create a new company culture. On the one hand, there is a sense of shared jeopardy, of striving towards an ambitious common goal, and doing so as a team. Managed well, this type of culture can produce people’s best work. In a relationship, it could mean creating a situation in which not everything feels stable: A new activity undertaken together, a trip that pushes the boundaries of comfort, a night when one person goes out dancing and the other doesn’t ask when they’ll come home, but welcomes them when they do.
But an all-risk environment needs to be balanced with ritual to give a sense of rootedness. At work, that might be mixing cocktails together at the end of a hard week, or regular check-ins about what went well and who excelled. For couples, love rituals might include reading the newspapers over Sunday breakfast, taking a favorite walk, or watching television while eating lasagne.
Perel had started the evening by outlining the way in which modern romantic love is pressurized to cover all the emotional needs that, once upon a time, might have been fulfilled by a community.
A person asks of their partner “what once an entire village used to provide,” Perel said. “I want you to be what traditional relationships have always been about: Economic support, family life, companionship, social status,” she explained. “But I also want you be be my best friend, my trusted confidant, and my passionate lover to boot. My intellectual equal, and my co-parent, and the one who is going to help me become the best version of myself,” she said. “All of this for the long haul—and the long haul keeps getting longer.”
Not only does one relationship have to carry the weight of all our hopes and dreams, it has to do so while adhering to a strict structure laid out in romantic literature, film, and television: A monogamous twosome that forms out of a serendipitous “rightness,” likely produces children, and never ends.
That’s where a certain level of insecurity—an early start-up energy—can be healthy: “To actually think that your partner doesn’t belong to you, and at best they are on loan with an option to renew,” Perel says. “And if you can tolerate a little bit more of that, you will put in more effort.”
Forced marriage law 'could stop victims reporting crime' – BBC News
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Criminalising forced marriage could stop victims from speaking up if their parents are locked up, campaigners say.
While legislation sends a “strong message,” a charity working with victims said it also scared off others.
Rubie Marie, 35, who was forced to marry in Bangladesh when she was 15, said: “It is hard because you love your family of course you do… But at the end of the day abuse is abuse.”
The Home Office said it was essential victims had confidence to speak out.
Forced marriage became a criminal offence in 2014, but only one case has been brought in Wales since then – with four convictions in total across the UK.
However, the Welsh Government estimates there are up to 100 cases of forced marriage every year.
In 2018, the forced marriage unit – a joint effort between the Foreign and Commonwealth Office and Home Office – gave advice or support in 1,196 UK cases.
Shahien Taj of the Cardiff-based Henna Foundation told BBC Wales Live more prevention work was needed to educate perpetrators, who are often the victims’ parents.
The charity said victims often wanted to return to the family home once the situation was resolved.
“I don’t know a single victim that I’ve worked with that has said she’s ok with the police coming down on parents like a tonne of bricks – all too often they don’t want any intervention because of that,” said Ms Taj.
Ms Marie, who now lives in the Midlands, said once she was married, she was raped “more or less, every single day” so her new husband could have a child and a ticket to live in the UK.
The Home Office is consulting on proposals that would legally require those who work closely with young people, such as teachers and social workers, to report suspected cases of forced marriage.
Ms Taj believes forced marriage protection orders are the preferred route – allowing young people to apply to the courts for protection, while keeping the family out of the criminal system.
“We’ve had eight cases where young women have gone home and been able to move on with their lives,” she said.
Samsunear Ali from the charity Bawso said education was key as many parents did not even realise they were breaking the law.
“For them they are doing the right thing and that’s the only way they know how to reduce the level of shame in the family that this child could potentially bring.
“It’s a huge problem in Wales, and it’s still not being talked about as much.”
She said there were cases in rural Wales where women had no support and they were at greater risk, with forced marriages potentially “going on for generations and nobody knows about it”.
‘I was raped every day’
Rubie Marie was born and raised in south Wales. She had a happy childhood but everything changed once she hit puberty.
She was taken to Bangladesh in 1998 at the age of 15 under the pretence of it being a holiday.
“We were only supposed to go for six weeks but then it went to two months, then it went to three months, then it got to six months and we all got homesick,” she said.
“I asked my father, I said we want to go home. I want to go back to school. I want my friends. But he would say things like ‘we spent so much money coming here’… That was his excuse, his cover up, his facade to plan what he was planning which was the marriage.
“I was sitting down having dinner with the whole family and he just came in and he sat down and he started to eat and out of the blue, and I remember it like it was yesterday,
“‘Wouldn’t it be great if we got Ruby married?’ And I was mortified. I was a kid and I had a tantrum. I threw my plate on the floor. I started kicking off, banging the doors, ran into my room screaming, shouting. I just didn’t know how to comprehend that information.
“I was put on a bidding system. One of my uncles went and started bidding me. It was horrible. I was treated like a slave.
“I was in this alien country – I didn’t know where to go, where to turn to, didn’t know where there was a phone. Nothing.”
‘I was disowned’
Ms Marie was forced to marry a man twice her age and for her engagement she was “dressed up like a doll”.
“The house was full of laughing people, you know there was people everywhere trying to come into my room to see me, to have a peek at this new bride,” she said.
“And I was just sitting there just thinking ‘I’m just an object’. You just got to do what you’ve got to do and that’s it. My vision was just get home, do whatever you need to do to get home.”
Once she was married, her new husband wanted a child.
“More or less, I’d been raped every single day to get pregnant, so then he’s got an official British pathway of coming to Britain because he’s got a child. That was their plan,” she added.
She got pregnant and came back to Wales to give birth. When the baby was born, she fled: “That brought shame to the family again in their eyes. And I was disowned for a very long time.”
Rubie now works as an ambassador, educating people about forced marriage.
“Now I’m speaking and talking to the world and sharing in that way of there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is a place for you in this world.
“It’s not all doom and gloom. And it’s not hell. You’ve got to turn it around. You’ve got to find that strength to turn it around and use it to your advantage and make it a happy place otherwise no one’s going to do that for you.”
A Home Office spokesman said: “We know that forced marriage is often a hidden crime and so it is essential that victims have the confidence to come forward to get the help they need.
“We are seeking views on whether introducing a mandatory reporting duty might help strengthen protections for victims and ensure more perpetrators are brought to justice.
“The consultation is open to everyone and we are particularly interested in hearing from victims and survivors of forced marriage, and professionals with expertise in the issue of forced marriage.”
- For details of organisations that offer advice and support with forced marriage or honour violence, visit BBC Action Line
Watch the full story on Wales Live, on Wednesday, 5 December at 22.30 on BBC One Wales.
Anil Kapoor Reveals What Advice He Gave to Deepika Padukone Before She Got Married to Ranveer Singh – India.com News
Anil Kapoor was recently on actor Neha Dhupia‘s chat show, No Filter Neha. The actor talked about many things which also included his wishes for newlyweds Ranveer Singh and Deepika Padukone. The veteran actor also shared the details of an incident when Deepika visited Ranveer on the sets on Dil Dhadakne Do. He mentioned that the actress faced a lot of difficulties reaching the cruise they were shooting on, to see Ranveer.
Recalling that incident while talking about the newlyweds, the actor said, “They look great together, I wish them really well. They will make a beautiful and fantastic couple. I am very excited they are together”. He added that he once told Deepika how Ranveer is a perfect match for her by saying, “Chhodna mat isko, mera ye ladka superb hai (Never leave this guy. My boy is superb). Perfect choice. You can’t get a better boy”.
Photo Courtesy: /AFP/Getty Images
The senior Kapoor also took a moment to talk about his nephew Arjun Kapoor and the rumours of his relationship with Malaika Arora. There are strong speculations in the Bollywood’s grapevine regarding the two are dating each other. In fact, they are now spotted dining out together and even commenting about each other at various events. When Anil was asked about the duo, the actor made it clear that he has no business intruding in someone’s personal space. He said that whatever Arjun shares with Malaika is his personal life and all he wants as a family member is him to be happy. He said, “I know him very well. Whatever makes him happy, makes me happy. I don’t want to comment on anything as that’s personal whatever he does. We all family members have believed in that whatever makes the other person happy, makes us happy”.
Photo Courtesy: Getty Images
Earlier, rumours about Kapoor being upset with Ranveer and his family surfaced around. It was being said that the actor felt left out when he didn’t get the invitation to the DeepVeer’s wedding in Italy, despite being a family member. However, Anil rubbished the rumours later at an event. He said that he won’t like to give much importance to any rumour by commenting on it. He said all he knew was that he was going to bless the couple at their wedding reception, that happened on December 1.
Aunt wonders how to counsel niece on marriage – Detroit Free Press
Dear Amy: I am close with my niece, who recently got engaged. Her now-fiance was up front, by saying he didn’t really believe in marriage. She was up front, too, saying that if he ever wanted to buy a house, her name would not go on a mortgage if they weren’t married. Not that she would break up with him – she would stay, but she would want a lease agreement rather than put her name on the mortgage.
Recently, he got serious about buying a house and my niece stuck to her guns – either get married or sign a lease. He proposed.
Now he says his grandparents have to be at the wedding. But they are almost 5,000 miles away and too old to fly, so he is insisting they get married where the grandparents live.
Amy, my niece’s father has advanced Parkinson’s disease and can’t possibly travel that far, either. In addition, 98 percent of both of their immediate families are being excluded from the wedding held in this remote location, because they can’t afford to get there.
I think he is being passive-aggressive because of my niece’s refusal to put her name on a mortgage without being married. This business of excluding her father and disenfranchising her entire family from the wedding is unconscionable.
I think he is purposely creating obstacles because he doesn’t really want to get married.
My niece has asked me for advice. She really loves him and wants to marry him, but she sees it as a stalemate on the location – I see a reluctant groom.
What should I tell her?
– Worried Aunt
Dear Aunt: My perspective about this couple is that they use negotiation, rather than consensus, to advance their relationship. I don’t think this is hugely uncommon. However, if this is the way they operate and communicate, your niece needs to be prepared for future stalemates, especially surrounding large life events that are already stressful. Have they talked about having children, how to share their expenses or future care issues having to do with their parents?
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Her fiance’s choice doesn’t seem to honor her or her family relationships. In fact, unless he can suggest or agree to a compromise, his choice seems hostile.
Fortunately for you, this doesn’t concern you directly. When your niece asks you for advice, you could be both honest and circumspect, and say, “You two seem to see this as a stalemate on the location for your wedding, but I see it as being bigger than that. Have you had your premarital counseling yet?”
Dear Amy: I recently received a postcard from the sheriff’s department stating that a neighbor is a “registered sex offender.”
The notification said his crime was committed 30 years ago and that he failed to register properly when he moved here. It does not state where the original offense occurred.
I’ve been on a neighborly first-name basis with him for several years in our community and he has always seemed like a nice enough guy, though I don’t know him well. I don’t feel threatened by him.
We waved and exchanged a “Hi” yesterday for the first time since I received the notice. I assume he knows all of his neighbors have received it.
I hate to display my ignorance, but what, if anything, has changed with receipt of that postcard?
– Wondering Neighbor
Dear Neighbor: What has changed is your knowledge that your neighbor committed a crime against another person 30 years ago.
You can learn as much as is legally allowable by using the sex offender database to search your neighbor’s record. My own research reveals that there are different designations and “risk level determinations” assigned to sex offenders.
In my state, a person at the lowest risk level will get their name removed from the database after 20 years. Your neighbor might have committed a more serious offense to still be listed. The database might reveal specific details of his crime.
The postcard notification is specifically designed to inform people, so that you may then make your own determination regarding a relationship with this person in your community. So, after you do some research, the rest is up to you.
Dear Amy: As the survivor of two suicides in my family, I want to thank you for your nuanced response to “Anxious,” the mother who wanted to tell her young daughter about the grandfather’s suicide. I agree that the daughter must (eventually) be told, but this couple absolutely must face this together.
– Grateful
Dear Grateful: Thank you.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamyamydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
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