Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
Husband routinely makes plans without consulting his wife – Detroit Free Press
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: Without consulting me, my husband committed himself, me and our infant to spending a week at the beach with his sister and her family next summer. The sister made plans and spent several hundred dollars preparing for this trip.
My husband only just got around to telling me, and as it turns out I cannot go – I have unbreakable plans at the same time – which means the baby also cannot go. My husband, therefore, does not want to go.
My question is, how to break this news to the sister in a way that doesn’t totally throw my husband under the bus? I am tired of always looking like the bad guy – this is the third or fourth time we’ve had a misunderstanding like this involving the sister – and annoyed that I have to be the one to fix it.
– Mrs. Fix-It
Why are you the one fixing it?
Why isn’t he calling his sister to say he screwed up and to offer money to make her whole?
That, to my mind, is everything.
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If he refuses to talk to you about plans and refuses to clean up the messes he makes with this refusal, and you refuse to treat this as a bigger problem than this summer problem with his sister, then just tell his sister the truth: “[Husband] didn’t check with me before he agreed to this, and it turns out I have a conflict and can’t go.” The sunniest interpretation is that he threw himself under this bus, but I could also argue, since this is your third or fourth time fixing things, that your husband’s the one throwing you.
Re: Mrs. Fix-It: Why don’t you have a shared calendar? Sounds like both of you are not communicating plans you are making, and both to the detriment of the other. One key strategy to making life work with kids: Get a synced digital calendar. At our house the stuff on the calendar first takes priority, unless by mutual decision. You can’t operate as autonomously when you have kids. It just doesn’t work like that, at least when they are small.
– Synced
Actually, I think it’s harder when they’re big – more activities, more potential conflicts. But yes to the shared calendar for sure.
Re: Calendar: Any strategies for when the shared calendar doesn’t work? He complained about not having one. I made it. I updated it. I got complaints about all the notifications, and … he still won’t reference it.
– Anonymous
Then he is a bigger problem than technology can fix.
So. Is it brain wiring (ADHD, for example) and distraction? Or another undiagnosed health condition, like anxiety? Is it immaturity/entitlement (“I do what I want and lash out at people who presume to limit me”)?
The options that I can suggest here are limited because his thing is apparently to reject your options – right? But, these generally make the list when everything else has been crossed off: (1) Let him live with the unbuffered consequences of his choices; (2) Consult a health professional; (3) Consult an attorney.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2019/01/03/marriage-relationship-advice/2415541002/
After marriage and baby, friend wants his pal back – Detroit Free Press
Dear Amy: I’ve been friends with a guy since high school. We’re now in our early 30s. Within the span of a year, my friend met someone, they moved in together, got married and had a child. I thought they were moving too fast at every step of the way because they were panicking. Being in their 30s scared them.
I talked to my friend at each event and told him I thought he was moving too fast. I wanted him to realize that he was rushing into these momentous occasions and, although I support him, he should really think about it. For some of these choices, like having a kid, there is no turning back.
My friend seems happy, but they’re now a couple. Whenever I text him, he and she reply to me in a group text. Whenever I want to coordinate a night to watch TV with him, she wants to pick a night where they can come over with the baby. She likes me, but I just want to hang out with my friend. She makes this impossible, and he’s OK with it because he loves her and wants to include her in everything.
I know that some friendships just hit a dead end and I feel like this is the case. I’ve dealt with break-ups when it comes to relationships, but how do I break up with a friend? Do I make one final plea that I want alone time with my friend and cause problems between all of us?
– Casper
Dear Casper: I’ll be blunt. You have not been a supportive friend. Stopping your friend at each major life-turn to tell him he is making a series of mistakes is not supportive, or appropriate. Telling a man with a new baby that it is “too late for him to turn back” is selfish and rude. The fact that his wife likes you and he still wants to spend any time with you at all is a tribute to the two of them.
These two (and their child) are now a package deal. They are making this much abundantly clear. Many couples manage to come together and still hold robust individual friendships, but – in your case – your friend does not seem to want to do this.
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Yes, you could make an individual plea to your friend: “I’d like to hang out with you alone one of these days. Would that be possible?” After that, you will have to accept his answer.
I suspect that you are not going to have to worry about breaking up with this guy, because he seems to be breaking up with you.
Dear Amy: I am seeking your advice and input on my situation.
Three months ago, I separated from my partner of 17 years. We were planning to marry in a few months.
We had a huge argument and we both said things to hurt one another.
The one thing he said that is unforgivable was that he “used me” during our time together. I left my home immediately and moved to another state to live with my only child and grandson.
I no longer take meds for anxiety or smoke as much as I did when we were together. While in this relationship, I was emotionally, physically and verbally abused.
Please help me make sense of my life! I am 62, physically disabled and financially stable.
What do I do now?
– Alone
Dear Alone: Leaving a longstanding relationship is very challenging – even when the relationship is toxic, because sometimes the devil you know can seem preferable to the uncertainty of being on your own. It’s the way we humans are wired.
The stress of being in this unhealthy relationship has taken a toll on you. As hard as it was to leave, your behavior has already changed and your health will improve. What you should do now is to give yourself time to heal. Enjoy your family. Volunteer, if you are able. And engage in the slow but satisfying work of remaking your life.
Dear Amy: “Parents in Despair” had an out-of-control teen on their hands.
My husband and I struggled with this exact problem. Our son was so violent that we had to move him out of our home.
But we didn’t give up on him. Amy, he’s doing much better now.
I want these parents to know that there is hope for them.
– Working On It
Dear Working: When you’re in the parenting trenches, not giving up is a heavy lift. Good for you.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: Askamyamydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2019/01/03/friendship-marriage-children/2415601002/
How to Balance Two Careers in a Marriage Without Losing Yourselves – Fatherly
Modern life often leads to less quality time between spouses. We work more. We stress more. We have less time for date nights or dinners together. It’s no wonder, then, that the idea of couples in which both partners have busy, full-time careers and also a solid relationship seems like something found only in ’90s sitcoms. As two-career households become more and more common, however, it’s more necessary than ever for spouses to learn how to balance career, family, marriage, and the thousand to-do lists all require. It’s a spinning plates act, sure. And it undoubtedly comes with a lot of stress. But there is a way to make it far more manageable.
“It’s all about the process,” says Jennifer Petriglieri, an Assistant Professor of Organizational Behavior at the graduate business school INSEAD. Petriglieri’s research revolves specifically around dual-career couples — that is, couples in which both partners have large jobs — and the author of the upcoming book Couples That Work. Petriglieri says couples can often become obsessed with the output, asking A or B questions such as: what should I chose, my family life, or my career? But, she says, that’s not the way to approach it. In fact, it’s a waste of time.
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In actuality, it requires adherence to a strict process. Part of that process involves setting some boundaries at the outset. And while the term boundaries may sound restrictive in a marriage, Petriglieri says that limiting choices is actually a good thing.
“We think that more choice is better,” she says. “But actually, all the research shows the opposite. The more choice we have, the harder it is to make decisions and the more we regret those decisions and wish we’d chosen something different.”
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As such, the boundaries that can be set up at the start of a marriage, especially one in which both couples will be working, can help each other understand what the limits are. For example: How far would one person be willing to move for the other’s career? Would they be willing to live apart if a job demanded it? Where are the “no-go” zones when it comes to relocating?
Similarly, couples need to establish boundaries around time, figuring out how much is too much at work and also how much is too little. This last point, while tricky, is an important one, as often the societal impulse is to demonize work, especially when it comes to marriage.
“Most people in dual-career couples are into their work,” Petriglieri says. “They love their careers, and so, when people think about this balance, it’s not just about too much work, it’s also about getting enough of the stuff that they love.”
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In addition to having an open conversation about boundaries, Petriglieri says, such couples should also talk about compromise. However, she stresses that “compromise” should not be confused with “sacrifice.” There are ways that couples can reach a mutual understanding about each other’s careers without having to give up their own pursuits.
“In most of the press that you see about dual-career couples, it’s presented as a zero-sum game,” she says. “This means that one person gets more and the other person gets less. And while some couples do have this ‘tit for tat’ mindset, successful couples have a mindset that is, rather than thinking about it as ‘me vs. you,’ it’s about a conceptualization of ‘we’ as the most important piece of the puzzle.”
The way it works, says Petriglieri, is that couples who invest themselves in each other then become invested in each other’s successes and failures. If the relationship is strong, then the desire to want to see each other succeed will happen naturally and the compromises that may come out of that desire will not carry with them a sense of resentment.
With that sense of compromise comes flexibility and understanding. Work can change and responsibilities can fluctuate on either side and the couples that are prepared for those fluctuations can ride them out much more easily. Petriglieri drew from her own life as an example, noting that, when her brother received a large promotion at his job, his wife was willing to do what needed to be done to support him. “She said, ‘I know that, for the next six months, I’m pretty much not going to see him and everything is going to be on my shoulders,’” Petriglieri recalls. “She knew she was in for a pretty awful six months, but she was stoic about it. There will be times when expectations go out the window and you both have to be a bit mindful about that.”
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Couples in which both members have careers do need to be aware of the “gender trap,” says Petriglieri. Meaning that couples allow each other to fall into traditional and stereotypical gender roles in the marriage that can, if left unchecked, create a problem. For example, if the wife stays home for the first few months after having a baby, it might be natural that she is the one picking up around the house by virtue of the fact that she is the one who’s home more often. However, once she returns to work, if the expectation continues that she is still the one who should be handling all the housecleaning, then problems can arise. Similarly, all the pressure shouldn’t necessarily be placed on the man to be the breadwinner of the household.
“Without realizing it, couples can fall into these gender roles,” says Petriglieri. “Even in the cases of more egalitarian couples, the man is still acting as though he has to win bread for the family or otherwise they’ll starve, which is crazy. And, at the same time the woman is kind of desperately trying to keep the house going and be the perfect housewife.”
In the ongoing hustle of a dual-career marriage, it can sometimes feel as though both of you are racing to keep up, even when you have the best intentions. Petriglieri says that’s when it’s important to keep some sense of perspective and to realize that, for those who can find a way to balance career and family life, the rewards can be great.
“On one hand, it’s stressful being in a dual-career couple, you’re juggling a lot of balls,” she says. “And I think it’s very easy to get hooked into the grind of it rather than seeing the other side. That’s actually a pretty good position to be in. If you can support each other a little bit more and leverage that a little bit more, there are some pretty wild things you can do with your lives.”
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Who Is LaTanya Richardson, Samuel L. Jackson's Wife, and How Long Have They Been Married? – The Cheat Sheet
With more than 100 movie credits to his name, Samuel Leroy Jackson stands as one of the most successful Hollywood actors ever. The six-foot-two-inch thespian boasted a net worth of more than $7 billion by the time he was 65, and he tells anyone who asks that he wouldn’t be the man he is today without the love and support of his wife, LaTanya Richardson Jackson.
How the Jacksons’ love story began
Samuel L. Jackson and LaTanya Richardson | Frazer Harrison/Getty Images
Samuel and LaTanya first laid eyes on each other at neighboring all-black colleges in Atlanta in the late 1960s. Samuel studied marine biology and architecture at Morehouse College, while LaTanya attended theater classes at nearby Spelman College. Both were deeply involved in the Black Power and civil rights movements.
After Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated in 1969, Jackson locked several board members in a campus building for two days as a protest against the way the school was managed. This act of rebellion prompted his expulsion, and Jackson moved to Los Angeles where he was employed as a social worker for two years before re-enrolling at Morehouse College and reuniting with his sweetheart, LaTanya.
When Samuel is away or in another room, LaTanya thinks about him and her “whole body smiles,” she told Essence magazine. She admires her husband and the fact that he cares about world events and how they relate to his family. Together, LaTanya and Samuel strive to make the world a better place, and it shows.
A family affair
Samuel, LaTanya, and their daughter Zoe graced the cover of Essence in December, 1999. Inside the magazine, LaTanya explained that the things that hold her marriage together are a mantra, amnesia, and dedication to her own acting career. “Keep working,” she advised. “Keep yourself lifted. Do not stop working, even if you have a baby. You let your baby see you working.”
The mantra came about not long after the couple married in 1980. “I’m telling you, we were revolutionaries,” she explained. “We used to say the most revolutionary thing was to keep a Black family together. So, that became our mantra.”
Amnesia is an asset to marriage, says LaTanya, because forgiveness works better when one also forgets.
Thriving theater and movie career
Born October 21, 1949, LaTanya Richardson is a remarkable actress in her own right. When LaTanya first met Samuel, she was passionate about live theater, and she’s never given it up. She has, however, expanded her acting repertoire to include film, television, and documentary narration. Her behind-the-scenes work as a director and producer is notable, as well.
From 1977 through 1978, LaTanya toured the nation with a road show production of Ntozake Shange’s For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf. She revisited the role in 1990 for a run at the Alliance Theater of Atlanta. The multifaceted actress also directed Laurie Carlos’ play, Nonsectarian Conversations with the Dead at the New Federal Theater in New York City from 1985 to 1986.
Richardson’s numerous TV credits include recurring character, Diane Pierce, on Grey’s Anatomy and Mama Mabel Stokes on several episodes of Luke Cage. She portrayed Lt. Dee Ann Carver in Blue Bloods and attorney Yvette Rose on Ally McBeal, as well.
LaTanya today
In December 2018, LaTanya opened a reimagined stage version of the Harper Lee classic, To Kill a Mockingbird at the Shubert Theater in Manhattan. Of her role as Calpurnia, Sam’s spouse assured Essence readers that she would bring agency, a point of view, and a voice to the part of the maid.
Initially hesitant to accept the role because Hattie McDaniel had ‘put the stamp on it’ already, LaTanya changed her mind once she understood that playwright Aaron Sorkin and director Bartlett Sher wanted audiences to know precisely what Calpurnia thought and believed.
Wifely advice from LaTanya
Richardson explains that she and Samuel never, ever go to bed angry and always take time to say “I love you” before sleeping, even when they do so through gritted teeth. This worthwhile advice has helped hold the Jacksons together for 38 years, so they must be doing something right.
