Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce
My married friend is pursuing her ex and wants a divorce: Ask Ellie – Toronto Star
Q: My friend had previously dated a man for 10 years. She married someone else two years ago, due to feelings that it wasn’t going to happen with the other man and her desire to have a family.
She now believes she made a mistake. She’s still deeply in love with her ex-boyfriend. They’re still in contact, remain close friends and text daily.
She knows this is wrong on her part, but she’s stuck in an emotional frenzy. She’s not in love with her husband nor emotionally invested in their marriage.
How does she go about divorcing her husband and moving forward to rekindle her relationship with her ex, who’s truly her soulmate, and with whom she desires to have a family?
Emotional Dilemma
A: Whether this is really about your friend (or possibly about you) here’s what’s needed immediately: Talking to a neutral, professional person — yes, a lawyer — for the essential information about rights and responsibilities in a divorce and what’s involved realistically, financially and legally.
“Emotional frenzy” is the worst basis on which to proceed. There’s more at issue here than just switching partners.
The current husband needs to know what’s going on, including hearing her abject apologies for causing him the pain/humiliation of having been betrayed.
Meanwhile, the desired ex-boyfriend needs to give credible assurance that he’s ready to marry, or the situation is back where it started.
However, though it seems there’s no question about the love felt for him, the mention of “rekindling” the relationship is worrying.
If the wild emotions are mostly on one side, this woman needs to give herself a time-out for counselling.
If she’s locked into personal deadlines about being married and getting pregnant, she may be rushing into the wind… no more certain that her “soulmate” is any better at commitment than he was in the past.
Q: Recently, a woman, age 26, who works where I do, told me about her “wonderful boyfriend” whose early Christmas gift was booking both for a week’s vacation in Mexico.
She confided that she sometimes follows a website that trashes people and found that another woman had written about her guy that he was a cheater and a liar. She’d also received an email from an unknown woman claiming to have had sex with her boyfriend.
She told me, “I just can’t see him doing that. He loves me and is always buying me expensive gifts.”
She sounded so trusting of him that I had no idea how to respond. As a more experienced woman (late 40s), should I have warned her to look more closely at this guy, and also get tested for sexually transmitted infections in case he IS sleeping around?
What’s the Right Response?
A: Young women need guidance and support from those who’ve had more life experience. This woman’s being so dazzled by her boyfriend’s gifts, that she’s not seeing the realistic possibility of deception.
While it’s hard to believe posts on a website that exists solely to trash people, the direct email to her makes it harder to dismiss. Certainly, someone wants her to believe that the guy’s a player.
As for suggesting that she get an STI check, that’s a solid way to tell her that, if it’s even possible that he’s seeing other women, it can have a direct, unpleasant, and even lasting effect on her health.
The fact that she opened up to you was the clue that she needs and wants your wiser opinion.
Ellie’s tip of the day
An emotional frenzy is a poor foundation for any major decision, especially one that involves marriage.
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Our Teenage Son Has Suddenly Gained 50 Pounds – Slate
Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus.
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Email careandfeeding@slate.com or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.
Dear Care and Feeding,
We’re a reasonably fit family—not skinny, not obese, we mostly eat right. I cook every night. Veggies, etc. We work out together, even. But over the past year and a half, my 17-year-old son has put on between 40 and 50 pounds. He doesn’t seem to know why, and he doesn’t seem to care. I think it has to do with suddenly asserting his independence, when he got a car and a job. Suddenly he could drive out for a greasy burrito for lunch, and so forth. The doctor gave him a stern lecture at his sports physical; his girlfriend has encouraged him to eat right. But he keeps up with the sodas and junk for lunch and eating late at night. I’m a bit mad at my husband about this, too, because he eats crap and sets that example, and argues about my no soda, no sweets rules around the house.
For my part, I’m paralyzed. On the one hand, I don’t think the right response is to be That Parent—the one who talks on and on about it, insists on a certain diet, etc. With a 17-year-old, how would I even police his food? And it’s not like he doesn’t know his own size, and I don’t want him to think he’s defined by his weight. So I just keep on making our regular healthy meals and buying these healthy groceries and encouraging him in his sports. And he keeps going out to eat crap constantly. But now I’m wondering if maybe I should be That Parent. Maybe I’m failing him somehow by not … what? I’m not even sure. By not calling him fat? I’m not obese, but I’ve struggled to be about average my entire life; I don’t want him to have to fight that battle.
So, what is the current wisdom on handling weight issues with young adults? My gut tells me I have to sit back and let him adult this one out, but my heart is breaking with worry.
—Weight of the World
Dear WotW,
You’re in a difficult position, and I feel for you. It is incredibly hard to desperately want something for our kids but to not have the power to make it happen. But as the saying goes: You can lead a horse to water …
All of your instincts are correct. It is important and wonderful that you continue to set a good example by cooking meals and limiting unhealthy foods. You have spent 17 years building this example and now it is time for you to trust that, despite what you’re currently seeing, it hasn’t all been in vain.
I want to assure you that it is normal for teenagers to celebrate their newly gained independence by doing the very things that they were not allowed to do when others were in charge. I’d be more worried if you told me that your son responded to a sudden loosening of the chains of parental control by doing literally everything his parents wanted him to do. That would be weird.
Freedom is, of course, responsibility, and we tend to learn responsibility through trial and error. Try spending two hours around college frosh living away from home for the first time. They are absurd, unbridled, and nonsensical. Most of them calibrate their way back to something more reasonable within a few years. Some take longer.
If you have an opportunity to get stuff for free then by all means get stuff for free.
Your son has all the support he needs. His girlfriend, doctor, and mother are all making their feelings known. And it’s not enough for him. And while you are certainly welcome to try managing your husband and your son at the same time, that strikes me as a one-way path toward headache and resentment. The gentler route for everyone involved is to for you to stay the course. Continue to run your home according to your standards. Pick your spots to make a gentle case for why your son might want to rethink his choices, but try to stay away from nagging or haranguing him. He will make a change when he is motivated to do so and not a moment before. And as much as you love him, you cannot make that happen for him. Good luck.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
For husband and I are expecting our first (likely only) baby this spring. We are superfortunate to both have good jobs, and I’m wondering how to make a baby registry for a shower that doesn’t come off as obnoxious. Don’t register at all? Don’t put any big-ticket items on them? On shower invites put “no gifts, your presence is enough”? Suggest donating to a diaper bank instead? We certainly would appreciate any gifts given; I just don’t want anyone to feel like they have to bring a gift just to come to celebrate at a shower. Am I just overthinking this?
—First World Problems
Dear FWP,
You may be overthinking this, but it’s entirely understandable, since you’re about to have a baby, which if I recall correctly is KIND OF A BIG DEAL. So first of all: Congratulations. Secondly: If you have an opportunity to get stuff for free then by all means get stuff for free. When I got married, we were young, idealistic hippies, and we did the old “your presence is a gift.” There are not that many things I regret, but I deeply regret that I didn’t have the wherewithal to say, “Your presence is a gift, but so is a Cuisinart stand mixer.”
It is great that you want to make sure that everyone has a way into the celebration of your growing family that doesn’t come with a price tag, but there are other ways to do that besides not having a registry at all. I would suggest giving people multiple points of entry and letting them choose what they’re comfortable with. You can certainly have a registry with a few big-ticket items but be sure to put a number of smaller things on there. Giving the option to donate to a charitable cause is also great and one of my personal favorites. A cost-diversified registry will let people get in where they fit in without denying you the opportunity to cash in on that baby. After all, you have good jobs today but—and I don’t want to be bleak—tomorrow is never guaranteed. And anyway, this baby is going to be enough work that you’ll probably deserve a little generosity.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Parents who say their kids “potty-trained themselves!” are all liars, right? And it’s OK to hate them?
—STFU
Dear STFU,
Not necessarily, and absolutely. They might not be lying. It is entirely possible for a kid to essentially potty train himself. I won’t tell you how I know that, for reasons that will become clear in Part 2 of my answer.
Part 2 of my answer: You don’t need to hate these people for lying. Instead, hate these people for not having the common decency to recognize that the vast majority of parents are driven to near madness by potty training, through no fault of their own. So bragging that your kids trained themselves, even if it’s true, is unspeakably cruel and uncaring. If you are a parent who has received this blessing, it just means you lucked out. You probably didn’t deserve it, so you should keep your big mouth shut about it.
—Carvell
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Undoing the wicked toll of comparing yourself to others – Ladders
Recently I listened to a client who is struggling in her marriage discuss how difficult it is to watch other happily married couples. I understand the feeling. I spent a lot of time in my first marriage wishing I had what others had and comparing myself to them as well as enabling bad behavior by making excuses for him. Then my third child was born with a developmental disability and I used to sit at playgrounds comparing her to them while somewhat insensitively pushing her and her therapists like machines because I became so outcome focused.
What I realized is that when we compare our lives to others and grasp at what isn’t ours, we lose sight of all the good things we do have and this strips our fulfillment. This “less than” focus keeps us from letting go of what boundary maven Dr. Henry Cloud calls ‘necessary endings’ to allow for things to bloom in our lives. A healthy rose bush needs to be pruned for new buds to grow. If not, scraggly stems shoot out in all directions bearing only thorns.
My marriage was intolerable, yet I looked the other way and held on because I couldn’t imagine my life alone. I had blindly affixed ‘purpose’ to rescuing him from himself to save myself from the false anticipation of abandonment. I wasn’t strong and covered that up by being overly direct, detached, an overachiever and guarded.
My daughter was struggling to talk and I spent more time on that than noticing how beautiful she was and how hard she was working. All I could see was how disappointed and alone I felt and how I didn’t want her to grow up and feel that way. So, I pushed her toward my metric of what ‘normal’ was or more accurately “perfect’ should be while I pushed everyone else away.
It is impossible to move to a more intimately fulfilling place in life where you accept yourself with all your imperfections without addressing negative influences that need to be pruned out of your life. Creating boundaries is the beginning. A boundary is nothing more than an invisible line between what you will and will not allow.
Boundaries force us out of denial and broaden our perspective to notice opportunities as well as aspects of our lives where we thrive – breathtaking things we can be grateful for such as children, pets, relationships, health, a home, careers, skills, values, character traits and more. Often setting boundaries nudges us forward to necessary endings that are imperative to preserve our soul and enjoy how rewarding the gift of life is.
I told my client the same thing I will tell you. Wherever you are people look forward to being with you so be yourself. Don’t dummy yourself down because of what someone else expects. Be the open person who always has the world by the tail. Be a leader who knows how to anticipate, visualize, plan, execute, fail, measure, relaunch and succeed.
You are not responsible for anyone else’s choices or happiness but your own. You need not rescue, enable, deny or defend anything anyone else chooses to do. Make good choices with strong and deliberate presence. Don’t be afraid to share your authentic personality or your warm, kind, open and welcoming soul. You have power. Draw that boundary. No one else will. You are worth it.
Mary Lee Gannon, ACC, CAE is an executive coach and corporate CEO who helps busy leaders get off the treadmill to nowhere to be more effective, earn more, be more calm and enjoy connected relationships with the people who matter while it still matters. Watch her FREE Master Class training on Three Things to Transform Your Life and Career Right Now at www.MaryLeeGannon.com.
When, exactly, does a marriage become irreconcilable – Detroit Free Press
Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared on April 14, 2004.
Dear Carolyn: My wife feels unfulfilled in our relationship and wants to move on. We are great friends, and I’ll admit our marriage has gone flat.
She will seek counseling, but I feel she has already made up her mind.
I have put in writing the changes I need and want to make. I have addressed her complaints – that I am stubborn, un-alive, un-driven in my career, emotionally dependent on her and have too few friends – which are valid.
I’m seeing a career adviser, volunteering, contacting old friends, turning off the TV, buying her flowers and cooking her romantic dinners. Already I feel more confident and alive. I fear I am too late. When do marriages become irreconcilable? She is the love of my life and I am determined to earn her love and respect.
– D.C.
D.C., D.C. Earn your own love and respect.
To answer your question, a marriage becomes irreconcilable when one of you decides it is.
That’s apparently up to your wife now, and while everything you’ve undertaken to lobby her sounds healthy and productive, the fact that you’re lobbying her is anything but.
You’ve jumped from depending on your wife to be your entire purpose in life to making it your entire purpose in life to win back your wife. If you’re having trouble seeing the distinction, good, because I have no idea what it is myself. Maybe codependence updating its resume versus codependence eating a bag of chips.
Read more:
You say you feel more confident and alive. Good stuff. That has to be what drives you now, and braces you.
Not only because your marriage might be beyond saving, but because its only hope is for you to save you – enough to become an entity unto yourself versus a satellite of your wife.
Carolyn: A close friend is in a wedding next weekend. She just found out the bride’s mom died and is to be buried on Monday.
They are going through with the wedding. I think that is incredibly tacky.
Five years ago, my brother got engaged to a great girl. Her family planned an elaborate engagement party at some real expense. My mom died, unexpectedly, six days before the party. It was horrible. The bride’s mother canceled the party and sent a letter that my dad held while he cried. It said that in light of the tragic death of the groom-to-be’s mother, this special but ultimately trivial party will not be held.
My dad and I still can’t believe how thoughtful his daughter-in-law’s parents were. Am I just weird about this, or do you agree a funeral should – um – stop a wedding?
– Vermont
I believe both hosts acted appropriately.
In the past case, the loss wasn’t suffered by the host, but instead by a guest of honor – so the host was, I agree, most gracious to cancel the event out of respect. In the present case, the loss was suffered by the host (and guest of honor) herself, and so it was up to her and her family entirely to decide how best to honor the mom’s memory. If it were my daughter whose wedding was six days after I died, then I’d want the joyous event to go on.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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