Category Archives: Marriage & Divorce

Carolyn Hax: When, exactly, does an unfulfilled marriage become irreconcilable? – The Ledger

Advice: To answer your question, a marriage becomes irreconcilable when one of you decides it is. That’s apparently up to your wife now.

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared on April 14, 2004.

DEAR CAROLYN: My wife feels unfulfilled in our relationship and wants to move on. We are great friends, and I’ll admit our marriage has gone flat.

She will seek counseling, but I feel she has already made up her mind.

I have put in writing the changes I need and want to make. I have addressed her complaints — that I am stubborn, un-alive, un-driven in my career, emotionally dependent on her and have too few friends — which are valid.

I’m seeing a career adviser, volunteering, contacting old friends, turning off the TV, buying her flowers and cooking her romantic dinners. Already I feel more confident and alive. I fear I am too late. When do marriages become irreconcilable? She is the love of my life and I am determined to earn her love and respect. — D.C.

D.C., D.C. Earn your own love and respect.

To answer your question, a marriage becomes irreconcilable when one of you decides it is.

That’s apparently up to your wife now, and while everything you’ve undertaken to lobby her sounds healthy and productive, the fact that you’re lobbying her is anything but.

You’ve jumped from depending on your wife to be your entire purpose in life to making it your entire purpose in life to win back your wife. If you’re having trouble seeing the distinction, good, because I have no idea what it is myself. Maybe codependence updating its resume versus codependence eating a bag of chips.

You say you feel more confident and alive. Good stuff. That has to be what drives you now, and braces you.

Not only because your marriage might be beyond saving, but because its only hope is for you to save you — enough to become an entity unto yourself versus a satellite of your wife.

CAROLYN: A close friend is in a wedding next weekend. She just found out the bride’s mom died and is to be buried on Monday.

They are going through with the wedding. I think that is incredibly tacky.

Five years ago, my brother got engaged to a great girl. Her family planned an elaborate engagement party at some real expense. My mom died, unexpectedly, six days before the party. It was horrible. The bride’s mother canceled the party and sent a letter that my dad held while he cried. It said that in light of the tragic death of the groom-to-be’s mother, this special but ultimately trivial party will not be held.

My dad and I still can’t believe how thoughtful his daughter-in-law’s parents were. Am I just weird about this, or do you agree a funeral should — um — stop a wedding? — VERMONT

I believe both hosts acted appropriately.

In the past case, the loss wasn’t suffered by the host, but instead by a guest of honor — so the host was, I agree, most gracious to cancel the event out of respect. In the present case, the loss was suffered by the host (and guest of honor) herself, and so it was up to her and her family entirely to decide how best to honor the mom’s memory. If it were my daughter whose wedding was six days after I died, then I’d want the joyous event to go on.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

Dear Abby: Widowed mom drags feet pursuing romance with longtime friend – The Ledger

Advice: Tell your mother it’s time to stop laughing and have a serious conversation with this man.

DEAR ABBY: My dad died when I was young. He and Mom had a beautiful marriage. Mom was in a long relationship following his death and has been single for three years now. She has been spending lots of time with a family friend who lost his wife some time ago. They have known each other for years, even when Dad was alive.

She goes over to his place for romantic dinners, they talk on the phone at least once a day, and he helps her with anything she needs around the house. He goes above and beyond to show her he’s interested in her without actually saying those words, and he has told her she needs to take him more seriously when he invites her on trips because she laughs it off.

Mom flip-flops between being interested and being convinced he doesn’t want a serious relationship. Everyone around her thinks she’s crazy not to give it a try. I don’t know how much I can push her. I haven’t seen her this happy in years. I think she’s scared and nervous, and I also think she’ll regret it if she keeps rejecting his overtures. I think the ball is in her court now. I need help convincing her to pursue this. What can I do? — HOPEFUL DAUGHTER IN CANADA

DEAR HOPEFUL: Tell your mother it’s time to stop laughing and have a serious conversation with this man. Their relationship stands no chance of progressing further if she isn’t willing to allow it.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance has a female friend he has known since they were 15 years old. She’s always in the way, and he always makes excuses for anything she does wrong. The most frequent excuses are, “She was there when nobody else was there,” or, “She’s the only one who would have my back.”

OK, I get it. But that was years ago, and I have constantly reminded him that I have his back now and she can step aside. But he says he’s loyal to his friends, and he will never abandon her or any of them.

As much as I love my fiance and want to be his wife, I can’t accept this person in our lives. Abby, I really need your advice. Should I give his ring back, or should I keep quiet and let her continue to invade our relationship? — DEPRESSED FIANCEE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR FIANCEE: Try this. Tell your fiance that you would like the two of you to have premarital counseling to be sure you are on the same page regarding issues that “might” come up after your marriage. Couples usually have this kind of counseling to facilitate discussions about important subjects such as how their finances will be managed, whether they agree on how to raise children, etc. During one of those sessions, you should raise the subject of his old friend “who is constantly in the way” and let the counselor/mediator guide you through the discussion. And if you can’t come to a mutual agreement, you should then return the ring.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

Millie Mackintosh and Hugo Taylor relive their wedding day as they return where it took place – Daily Mail

Millie Mackintosh and Hugo Taylor relive their wedding day as they return to the country estate ahead of their first Christmas as a married couple

MailOnline Reporter

Millie Mackintosh got to relive her wedding day to husband Hugo Taylor all over again, as the pair returned to the spot where it all happened.

The happy couple relived their happy day on Wednesday as they returned to the country estate in Whithurst Park where they said ‘I do’.

The TOWIE star, 29, and her beau, 32, looked smitten as they posed in front of the archway that they said their vows under and kissed while holding hands.

Sweet: Millie Mackintosh and Hugo Taylor relived their wedding day as they returned to the country estate it took place in on Monday

Sweet: Millie Mackintosh and Hugo Taylor relived their wedding day as they returned to the country estate it took place in on Monday

Millie looked glamorous in a chic dress which had a clashing blue and leopard-skin print, which she teamed up with a pair of heeled boots.

Hugo, meanwhile, put on a dapper display in his casual ensemble which saw him don a knitted jumper over a pair of black jeans and matching trainers. 

The pair also posed for a sweet selfie, and in the caption Millie wished everyone the best during the festive season, as she wrote: ‘Wishing everyone a very MERRY CHRISTMAS and Happy New Year! I hope all your wishes come true in 2019

‘I am logging off for a week to enjoy family time without the urge to scroll! Lots of love xxxx’

Big day: Millie wed Hugo at his uncle's country estate over the summer, and the couple opted for a religious blessing as they had married formally at Chelsea's Old Town Hall three days prior

Big day: Millie wed Hugo at his uncle's country estate over the summer, and the couple opted for a religious blessing as they had married formally at Chelsea's Old Town Hall three days prior

Big day: Millie wed Hugo at his uncle’s country estate over the summer, and the couple opted for a religious blessing as they had married formally at Chelsea’s Old Town Hall three days prior

Millie wed Hugo at his uncle’s country estate over the summer, and the couple opted for a religious blessing as they had married formally at Chelsea’s Old Town Hall in London three days prior to the celebration.

The couple favoured a ‘rock n roll’ themed nuptials, which saw their tables named after nightclubs – an ode to their wild younger years on the London party circuit – and guests served a fried chicken breakfast, as Hugo gushed about his ‘angel’ bride in his wedding speech.

Millie and Hugo dated in 2011 while on Made In Chelsea, but split up when it emerged he had cheated on Millie with her friend Rosie Fortescue, who attended the wedding alongside a bevy of their other co-stars.

Turbulent romance: Millie and Hugo dated in 2011 while on Made In Chelsea, but split up when it emerged he had cheated on Millie

Turbulent romance: Millie and Hugo dated in 2011 while on Made In Chelsea, but split up when it emerged he had cheated on Millie

Turbulent romance: Millie and Hugo dated in 2011 while on Made In Chelsea, but split up when it emerged he had cheated on Millie

They reunited in the second half of 2016 and Taylor proposed during a holiday in Mykonos, Greece, in July last year. She was previously married to musician Professor Green, real name Stephen Manderson, in September 2013.

The couple announced their split in February 2016 after two-and-a-half years of marriage and finalised their divorce in May 2016 – the same week that Millie went public with Hugo during a trip to Monaco.

Guests in attendance at her wedding to Hugo including Spencer Matthews, who acted as Hugo’s best man and attended with his wife Vogue – their first wedding after tying the knot themselves. 

Back together: They reunited in the second half of 2016 and Taylor proposed during a holiday in Mykonos, Greece, in July last year

Back together: They reunited in the second half of 2016 and Taylor proposed during a holiday in Mykonos, Greece, in July last year

Back together: They reunited in the second half of 2016 and Taylor proposed during a holiday in Mykonos, Greece, in July last year

Meanwhile, Millie’s ex Professor Green took to Instagram to share an emotional message to those struggling to get through the festive season.

Posting three selfies in which he put on an animated display, he wrote: ‘It’s Christmas Eve, my great grandmother passed on Dec 18th when I was 13 and I’ve hated Christmas ever since. 

‘I’m currently home alone with a stomach bug. If you’re feeling lonely you ain’t the only one, but it’s only a couple of days so on the off chance they’re hard for you too, take the opportunity to have a look into the sadness, let it up and out. 

‘If you’re going through it, keep going, it’s the only way to get through anything, otherwise you end up stuck in it. And don’t worry about the silly faces I’m pulling, inside I’m smiling. Just wanted to make you lot laugh and think about what it all really is x’

Moving: Meanwhile, Millie's ex Professor Green took to Instagram to share an emotional message to those struggling to get through the festive season

Moving: Meanwhile, Millie's ex Professor Green took to Instagram to share an emotional message to those struggling to get through the festive season

Moving: Meanwhile, Millie’s ex Professor Green took to Instagram to share an emotional message to those struggling to get through the festive season

In his second post, he added: ‘It’s sold to us as this joyous time of year, which to me just reminds me of all the financial stresses in my household growing up – it became more about what I didn’t have than what I did. 

‘Don’t feel like you have to enjoy it, if you too find it hard, just know that many, many more do too. Feel free to have a chin wag in the comments about why. I’m hanging about here for a bit as I’m stuck in bed hating it too.’

Before he shared a third picture, with the caption: ‘And don’t get me started on the fact that what little family I do have is fractured and there’s no one place where everyone who is still around is, because that’s what families are like, mad. 

‘It’s only Christmas. Just think, if you weren’t told repeatedly from every angle that it’s Christmas and it’s time to have fun it would just be another day that you probably wouldn’t struggle with. 

Advice: Posting three selfies in which he put on an animated display, he wrote: 'Don't feel like you have to enjoy it, if you too find it hard, just know that many, many more do too'

Advice: Posting three selfies in which he put on an animated display, he wrote: 'Don't feel like you have to enjoy it, if you too find it hard, just know that many, many more do too'

Advice: Posting three selfies in which he put on an animated display, he wrote: ‘Don’t feel like you have to enjoy it, if you too find it hard, just know that many, many more do too’

‘The only way I get through it is linking up with my pals who through the weird and wonderful ways the planet works have somehow all found each other and will be making tomorrow that little bit less miserable for each other. 

‘Bare love, not Christmas love, all year round love, remember, everyone’s life looks great through the gram, don’t get sucked in, focus on you and yours and remind yourself not to apply social norms to this day or any other, you can feel however you feel, as long as you’re honest about it’

The rapper has been outspoken about wanting to raise awareness about male mental health issues and has previously spoken about how his own father, Peter, sadly committed suicide.

In November he released a new single called Photographs, and in a video about the song he reflected on his pain over not having enough images of his father.

Offering a helping hand: He added, 'Feel free to have a chin wag in the comments about why. I'm hanging about here for a bit as I'm stuck in bed hating it too'

Offering a helping hand: He added, 'Feel free to have a chin wag in the comments about why. I'm hanging about here for a bit as I'm stuck in bed hating it too'

Offering a helping hand: He added, ‘Feel free to have a chin wag in the comments about why. I’m hanging about here for a bit as I’m stuck in bed hating it too’

Breaking down, he said: ‘Photographs conjure up so many different emotions. The ones I miss the most are the ones I never took.

‘They are for me in many ways the memories I don’t have – especially the ones from my childhood. I wish I had more.

‘I was having a conversation about photographs and how there are large parts of my life where there are no photographs.

‘We live in an age now where we take way too many pictures. That was really when I started to incubate the idea for the single, Photographs.’

Opening up once again, Professor Green revealed that the last words he said to his dad, Peter, before he died were ‘I hate you’.

Tribute: In November he released a single called Photographs, and in a video about the song he reflected on his pain over not having enough images of his dad who committed suicide

Tribute: In November he released a single called Photographs, and in a video about the song he reflected on his pain over not having enough images of his dad who committed suicide

Tribute: In November he released a single called Photographs, and in a video about the song he reflected on his pain over not having enough images of his dad who committed suicide

Troubled: His father took his own life in 2008 when Stephen was aged just 24 and he explained that the grief has never left him

Troubled: His father took his own life in 2008 when Stephen was aged just 24 and he explained that the grief has never left him

Troubled: His father took his own life in 2008 when Stephen was aged just 24 and he explained that the grief has never left him

Sharing his story, he said back in 2015 that the grieving process is still one he is trying to get a handle on as he hosted a mini-documentary as part of the BBC’s Lifeline series.

Speaking candidly, the Hackney born star said of his father: ‘He was always the parent I favoured but as a child it was complicated.

‘He was always in and out of my life; at 18 we stopped talking and after five years I decided to reach out to try and arrange a meeting.’

Talking about the last time he saw his dad added: ‘Unfortunately we ended up arguing and the last words I said to him were “I hate you”. The terrible thing is I never got to see him again because a few months later he killed himself.’

Bond: Stephen said in the video that we take too many photos these days so it's sad there are times where we might not have enough 

Bond: Stephen said in the video that we take too many photos these days so it's sad there are times where we might not have enough 

Bond: Stephen said in the video that we take too many photos these days so it’s sad there are times where we might not have enough 

Emotional: Looking back at the photographs that exist of Stephen and his dad, it's clear there was a lot of love there and his father would have known he loved him

Emotional: Looking back at the photographs that exist of Stephen and his dad, it's clear there was a lot of love there and his father would have known he loved him

Emotional: Looking back at the photographs that exist of Stephen and his dad, it’s clear there was a lot of love there and his father would have known he loved him

Scarred by their last conversation, Manderson, also told how as of yet he still has not gotten over the grieving process as he struggles to deal with such a great loss to his family structure.

He continued: ‘The moment I found out my dad had taken his own life is still as clear today as it was the moment it happened. I kept wondering why no one had seen it coming.

‘I still find it quite difficult to articulate how I felt… the weird thing about grieving is it never stops.’

Old wounds: Professor Green previously has revealed that the last words he said to his dad, Peter, before he died were 'I hate you' as he had felt let down by him at the time

Old wounds: Professor Green previously has revealed that the last words he said to his dad, Peter, before he died were 'I hate you' as he had felt let down by him at the time

Old wounds: Professor Green previously has revealed that the last words he said to his dad, Peter, before he died were ‘I hate you’ as he had felt let down by him at the time

As well as his musical achievements, Professor Green has presented six critically acclaimed documentaries for the BBC and Channel 4.

He has also published his autobiography Lucky, continuing his ongoing work as Patron of anti-suicide charity CALM.

Most recently, becoming a regular columnist for newly launched men’s title, The Book of Man.

It’s a support network for men, for which he writes about mental health issues and masculinity.

For confidential help and support contact Samaritans on 116123 or visit a local Samaritans branch. See samaritans.org for details

Honest: Stephen took his fans on a very personal journey as he discusses what he's been going through, and he regularly writes about mental health issues and masculinity

Honest: Stephen took his fans on a very personal journey as he discusses what he's been going through, and he regularly writes about mental health issues and masculinity

Honest: Stephen took his fans on a very personal journey as he discusses what he’s been going through, and he regularly writes about mental health issues and masculinity

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Carolyn Hax: Mother's illness forces daughter to manage time wisely – Midland Daily News

Published

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared on Sept. 22, 2004.

Dear Carolyn:

Ack. I need some advice here. My mom is being treated for leukemia in a city about four hours away. She’s doing OK, but I’m a wreck. I have an older sister who’s doing what she can to help out, but I really feel like I’m all alone in this. My husband is trying to help, but I can’t define anything he can do besides buy me a new pair of shoes or two.

I just feel like my whole life is chaos — I’m trying to figure out how to handle the (heavy) demands of my job, be there for my mom and have some kind of life that doesn’t revolve around me worrying that my mom is going to die.

— Los Angeles

But she is going to die — maybe not of leukemia and maybe not soon (I hope not, of course), but of something, someday. What you fear is inevitable.

And therefore, all the time you spend fearing death is time wasted, time you could have spent doing something else more rewarding.

Your problem may seem like it’s about your mother’s illness, but it’s really about managing limited time. This was true even before your mother got sick; everyone’s clock is ticking, obviously. The gravity of her situation simply called this truth to your attention in a way that nothing else has in the past.

Call it the luckiest of unlucky breaks. So many people come to appreciate time limits only after they realize their time has expired on something — after someone has died, a child has grown up, an era has come to an end. You, though, are learning while you still have a chance to use that time.

So, use it. “Be there for her” by being there with her — and temper your own loneliness, too. Make a conscious choice to pare your life down to essentials, ruthlessly, to free up more time to spend with your mom. Be as strict as possible when you define essentials. Your livelihood, your mom, your marriage, your sanity. That’s it.

Your sanity is easy. No matter what, choose one thing that sustains you, and keep doing it. Workouts, book group, church, ending each day with a bath.

As for your job, you can treat it as the immovable base of your schedule, but don’t just assume you can’t cut back or shuffle your days. Try. You would have to if you got sick, right? And the world would have to keep turning?

Your marriage, you should both use and nurture. Define your husband’s job as running the household, also pared to essentials — keeping the fridge full and the clothes clean and the pets walked and the cars running. (This is in addition to the shoes, of course.) Then, thank him by saving a little bit of your time each week to give him your full, candlelit attention.

Once you’re free to concentrate on Mom, keep only basic goals in mind: either to help extend her life, or to hold her hand as it ends. Either way, enjoy her, now. Use this hell as a lesson, to love those you love while you can.