Category Archives: Relationships
Is There Cause to Pause a Relationship If Your Kids Say So? – Bravo
Bravo’s new limited series Dirty John is a cautionary tale about a successful businesswoman, Debra Newell, who falls for John Meehan, despite her daughters’ warnings. While the show is based on the real-life story of Newell, it also bears an uncanny resemblance to RHOC housewife Vicki Gunvalson’s relationship with her ex Brooks Ayers, which was also strongly protested by her daughter. Personal Space spoke to licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert Rachel Dack (MS, LCPC, NCC) to learn how to carefully approach dating a new partner who clashes with your kids, and how to address their concerns.
Should You Continually Defend Your Partner?
According to Dack, when dating someone new and exciting, “the love, infatuation or attention can be blinding and make it difficult to think rationally.” If your children, trusted friends, or family members are expressing immediate concern, it’s important to remember that they have your best interests at heart and could be identifying things you don’t perceive in the moment.
Issues that should be taken very seriously include worries from family that your partner is “manipulative, lying, or attempting to undermine your relationships with others.” If you find yourself constantly defending your partner and relationship to loved ones, that is a warning sign that shouldn’t be ignored. Dack explained, “Continuing to date someone without addressing the underlying issues means choosing the relationship with your partner over your other relationships.”
Are Your Kids Being Treated as a Priority?
Dack revealed that another priority red flag is when your new “partner does not respect and support you as a parent.” That can mean “not getting along with your kids, controlling you for their own agenda, or trying to separate you from your children so they can have you all to themselves.”
If you are dating someone that your kids express distrust in, “give your loved ones the opportunity to explain why they feel distress about your relationship without reacting defensively. Ask questions calmly and understand their objections without interrupting to defend yourself or your partner.”
Struggling to articulate exactly what they’re feeling “does not invalidate their concerns.” Once you understand the problem, Dack advised having a serious conversation with your partner where you can face those important issues head on.
How Does Your Partner React to Confrontation?
When you calmly confront your partner about those concerns, observing how they respond to that conversation is very useful information.
“If someone is a master manipulator, they will not take accountability, they will blame others, and they will lie to convince you the concerns are unfounded.” If that is the reaction you receive, the relationship is likely to be toxic and terminating it may prove best for all.
Dack explained, “A healthy partner would own their mistakes, validate your feelings, and commit to making changes,” because they want both you and your kids to be happy. A healthy partner would also want to encourage you to have a positive relationship with your children and would not try to cause division or make you choose between them.
Are You Moving Too Fast?
If the issues your children are expressing seem to be minor or superficial, such as your partner being a bad dresser or boring, their reaction may simply reflect a need for more time to adjust to the new relationship. According to Dack, when this happens check to see if you are moving too fast or progressing at an appropriate pace.
“Children engaging in attention-seeking behavior, regressing, or acting out may be a response to you having less time or attention to give them with a new partner in your life.” Dack explained that parents are entitled “to explore new dating experiences post-divorce, but it is important to balance your own interests with the needs of being a parent.” How you handle this type of situation will have a big impact on your children, especially younger ones, so it is important to make sure they have had adequate time to transition.
Here’s the Bottom Line…
“If you find yourself trusting a new partner — a stranger — more than your own family or close friends, this person may have gained more influence over you than you realize.” Choosing to ignore your children’s concerns and staying in a toxic relationship despite the discord may “wreak havoc on your family, and as a consequence your romance and your relationship with your kids will suffer.”
If your partner is open to your kids’ feedback, make sure they take accountability and follow through in an appropriate way. Otherwise, Dack concluded, “Your mental health, financial security, self-worth, and important relationships will all be in jeopardy.”
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Rahm sought putting advice from Tiger Woods en route to Hero victory – Golf.com
Jon Rahm captured the Hero World Challenge on Sunday by four shots over Tony Finau, the third worldwide win of the year for the talented 24-year-old. One key to his success? Putting advice from the tournament host, Tiger Woods.
The Hero is held at Albany Golf Club in the Bahamas, where the greens are grainy Bermuda grass. In his winner’s press conference, Rahm recalled seeking out Woods’s help in putting Bermuda greens during the Tour Championship. On Wednesday at East Lake, Rahm said he sidled up to the 14-time major winner to pick his brain.
“I said, ‘Hey, Tiger, can you please teach me how to putt on Bermuda? You know, I’m not the best, I grew up on poa annua; bentgrass, I’m used to that, but I’m not the best on Bermuda.’
“He kind of laughed and told me it’s all about feel. I was like okay, whatever, right. And today out there with the trophy, he was like, ‘I mean, that’s a pretty good performance for somebody who can’t putt on Bermuda greens.’”
Jon Rahm sought out putting advice from Tiger Woods at the Tour Championship.
Rahm, who finished eighth in the field in putting, pointed out that it wasn’t entirely his short game that won the week.
“I did tell him, my man, you should look at my stats because it was all ball-striking. I really didn’t make — I think I made one putt outside 10 feet, really, and I didn’t miss a shot the last three days, it’s as simple as that. But I don’t think he believed me really.”
Rahm reflected on just how cool it was to win a tournament hosted by his longtime idol. He described the hours he has spent poring over old videos of Woods’s play.
“I think I’ve seen every video on YouTube about Seve [Ballesteros] and Tiger,” he said. “Every shot that’s ever to be seen on the internet, I’ve probably seen it. It’s because I love the game of golf so much. I enjoy watching all those things, it’s just great. If you ever see [Rahm’s fiancee] Kelley, ask her because when we started dating I still did that. She had no idea about golf and I would just get the laptop and just make her watch all the highlights of Tiger. I’ve seen Tiger’s final round at Pebble in 2000 about 150 times.”
When asked which skill of Woods he’d most like to learn, Rahm stuck with the flat stick.
“I would say his clutch putting,” he said. “It’s kind of like the Michael Jordan of golf or the Kobe of golf, right? All the shots they made in the Playoffs, at the end to win events and to win games. Tiger’s one of the few who’s able to emulate that in golf. All the putts he made coming down the stretch on the last few holes to give himself a chance and to win, hopefully I can get his clutch putting someday.”
Dating Advice for a Baby – Slog – TheStranger.com
A long while ago, you wrote an incredible piece of general advice for teenage boys. The advice was so excellent that I clipped it out to keep in case I ever had a son. Well, years later, I have a son. But I no longer have that precious piece of paper.
My son is only 9 months old, but I am worried that by the time he is a teenager, you will have retired to some fancy ranch where you will spend your days raising organic cattle, being nasty to the local genetically-modified-wheat farmers, and passing the afternoons on the porch sipping gin from a teacup while terrorizing the local boys with a Super Soaker.
But I digress. Any chance you could reprint your advice for teenage boys? I know that I, my partner, and my son will all appreciate it.
GGG Lady Lover And Mama
Congrats on the birth of your son, GGGLLAM, and here, at your request, is my advice for the hard-up teenage boy:
You’re having a hard time getting girls. That sucks. I remember what it was like when I was a young teenager and wanted boys and couldn’t get any. It sucked. But the sad fact is that most young teenage boys are repulsive—that is, they are half-formed works in progress. Girls mature physically more quickly than boys, which means most girls your age already look like young women and they’re generally attracted to (slightly) older boys—and there you are, aching for your first girlfriend, but still looking like a short, hairless chimp.
But don’t despair, HUTB. Your awkward/repulsive stage will pass. In the meantime, here’s what you need to do: Worry less about getting your young teenage self laid and start thinking about getting your 18- or 20-year-old self laid. Join a gym and get yourself a body that girls will find irresistible, read—read books—so that you’ll have something to say to girls (the best way to make girls think you’re interesting is to actually be interesting), and get out of the house and do shit—political shit, sporty shit, arty shit—so that you’ll meet different kinds of girls in different kinds of settings and become comfortable talking with them.
Some more orders: Get a decent haircut and use deodorant and floss your teeth and take regular showers and wear clean clothes. Go online and read about birth control and STIs, and learn enough about female anatomy that you’ll be able to find a clitoris in the dark. Masturbate in moderation—no more than 10 times a day—and vary your masturbatory routine. I can’t emphasize this last point enough. A vagina does not feel like a clenched fist, HUTB, nor does a mouth, an anus, titty fucking, dry humping, or e-stim. If you don’t want to be sending me another pathetic letter in five years complaining about your inability to come unless you’re beating your own meat, HUTB, you will vary your routine now so that you’ll be able to respond to different kinds of sexual stimulation once you do start getting the girls.
Good luck, kiddo.
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The Dangers of Dating Violence – Redbrick
“It won’t happen again”
“You made me do it”
“It’s because I love you”
Love shouldn’t hurt – that’s the least we expect upon forming a bond with someone we trust.
Whether it’s a bit of fun or something more serious, partners naturally want to feel safe and appreciated by their significant other. Young adults exploring romantic love for the first time want to create happy memories they can look back on with pleasure.
Nowadays, where fewer marriages are taking place due to numerous factors – emancipation of women, changing attitudes towards the tradition of marriage, high divorce rates – dating has experienced an exponential rise in popularity as an alternative to legally binding yourself to another individual.
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Women’s Aid state that on average, two women are killed by their partner or ex-partner every week
Dating can be brilliant in ideal circumstances, there’s no dispute about that. But, on the other end of the spectrum, dating abuse can rob individuals of a safe and thriving relationship. The NSPCC reports that one in five teenagers have been physically abused by boyfriends or girlfriends; Women’s Aid state that on average, two women are killed by their partner or ex-partner every week. This isn’t to say that men get away scot-free from dating violence – in fact, abuse against males can be harder to pinpoint due to the aura of shame surrounding it.
Dating violence can include attacks on your physical, emotional, psychological, and sometimes financial, welfare. Examples can be as simple as telling you what to wear, or giving you backhanded “compliments” based on factors such as gender. More overt manifestations of dating abuse include physical altercations and rape. Abusers seek power and control over their victims and isolating them from the outside world and taking over their lives is their method of achieving this.
Abuse can manifest itself so slowly that victims do not realise it is happening. More worryingly, it can happen through technology as well as face to face in the age we live in. This makes it incredibly difficult to detect from the outside if a relationship shows no visible signs of distress. Simply messaging or Snapchatting someone in a way that makes them uncomfortable is classed as harassment. In a healthy relationship, both partners respect relationship boundaries; dating abuse is a gross violation of this.
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Women’s Aid and Refuge run a free 24-hour helpline that can be used to discuss any concerns callers have; Men’s Advice Line offers support to male victims of dating abuse
Just as you would tell someone if you were being bullied at school or in the workplace, it is important to seek help should you experience any such symptoms in a romantic relationship. Nobody has the right to abuse you, and domestic abuse most often gets worse rather than better with time. The abuser may plead with their victim via public displays of affection or lavish gifts, or promise that they will change their behaviour, but this is only an excuse to continue acting immorally.
Fortunately, there are several professional support networks reachable by victims of dating violence, as well as friends and family. Women’s Aid and Refuge run a free 24-hour helpline that can be used to discuss any concerns callers have; Men’s Advice Line offers support to male victims of dating abuse Monday to Friday. Aside from this, an awareness of the signs of abuse and clear communications with friends and relatives is vital concerning tackling violence in its early stages.
It is just over a week since the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women and just over a month since National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, when people wore purple in honour of victims of dating abuse. The colour symbolises peace, courage, survival, honour and a dedication to ending violence which so many individuals will sadly experience in their lifetime.
In taking these opportunities to stand together against dating abuse, we can give a voice to the countless victims and show perpetrators that abuse is not acceptable today, and it will never be justified tomorrow.
Women’s Aid Freephone 24 hr: 0808 2000 247
Men’s Advice Line Freephone Monday-Friday 9am-5pm: 0808 801 0327
