Category Archives: Relationships
How To Tell A Guy You've Been Divorced (Without Scaring Him Off) – YourTango
It might be a little risky.
When a divorce is done and over with, the next thing a new divorcee typically does is meet and date new people — not necessarily to get into another marriage but to find intimacy, companionship, and friendship with the opposite sex.
After all, everyone gets beat up in the face of the separation, negotiation, and fight. So knowing how to get a guy to like you, a newly divorced woman, can be challenging. And learning how to tell your new boyfriend about your recent divorce — without scaring him off — is a big deal!
Basically, if you mess it up, you’re in for more heartbreak.
Dating after divorce feels like a breath of fresh air to most people — at least, those still interested in intimacy, sex, friendship, and even children. Most people want that soulmate, even if they don’t want more.
But, we forget that going through a divorce is a real thing and truly is life-changing. A modern-day rite of passage. The memories and feelings don’t easily wash off with a hot shower. They linger like the smell of hot city streets when it hasn’t rained.
You see the positive results of healing work when a divorcee has begun to put their life back together again.
But, dating after divorce is also risky.
You have to understand that without that personal growth, most dating just ends up in extended hookups, not lifetime soulmates. It doesn’t really matter what age you are.
Sex feels a whole lot better than facing any sort of healing, especially if you’re tired of therapy and trying to make your marriage work (like the self-assessment, the lifetime of relationship misunderstandings, the grief, and the lifestyle changes few want to face or do).
But, without doing the right kind of “work”, another heartbreak or another divorce will typically and inevitably follow.
Ask yourself, “Am I ready for a relationship and a new life after divorce?”
For the record, we can all agree that breakups hurt and that heartbreak is real. Most people don’t want another heartbreak. Unfortunately, most people think they won’t be hurt by just dating as opposed to marrying, which is foolish and ignorant.
You only ensure you won’t be heartbroken by not falling in love with someone else. Which means, no dating and ultimately, little to no sex.
Dating to find true love requires doing some healing and focusing on the right kind of healing work for you.
I was very young when I was first divorced. Most guys my age were just beginning to think seriously about finding a girl to commit to. So, I ended up dating all these divorced dads (which my mom hated!).
I had to own up to my behavior. My divorce story had to reflect on how I had made a big mistake. Those divorced dads loved my story because I told them I wasn’t interested in getting married again. But my mom was right…those relationships couldn’t go anywhere because I was too young to be a step-mom and forgo my own life goals. Never mind, there was more healing ahead of me.
As a divorced mom, years later, my story had to be told all over again. It was even harder this time! How do you tell a guy that I had seen the signs but was too afraid to leave? That I had spent hours and hours in therapy trying to do the work of two people and fell short? Was he going to expect to have to take care of me, financially? Was he wondering about the relationship between me and my children’s other parent?
No more could I hide behind a naive young girl’s mistake. It was time for me to own up to all of it and to find out if this man, this new love, was going to stick around.
Everyone gets beat up in the face of the separation, negotiation, and fight.
Fortunately for me, I continued to date divorced dads. So, inherently, we both understood the process of separation: the lost love, the arguments or the lack of attention, the parting negotiation, the anger, the fighting, the costs. Fortunately, we could commiserate.
But commiserating wasn’t and has never been what I’ve wanted to do. I’ve been doing my healing! Commiserating only guarantees more heartbreak because both people stay stuck. I have always wanted the real deal.
Getting through the pain and healing of divorce takes a commitment and some tough work. You learn to own your part and the ugly, imperfect qualities you inhabited or expressed during the past relationship.
You learn to face your preconceived misunderstandings about relationship and marriage, the opposite sex, and your role as spouse and parent.
Here are 6 things you need to remember when you want a guy to continue liking you after telling him about your divorce.
1. Tell the truth.
Through trial and error, you start off on the right foot. You share your version of your truth.
If you’ve done some healing, there’s no need to share all the details. It’s much easier not to indulge the latest gossip or whining and complaining. When you show up with some graciousness and wisdom, it goes a long way to earning a guy’s trust.
2. Don’t trash-talk.
I also refuse to trash talk my children’s father or a divorced dad’s ex-wife. Trash talking doesn’t get anyone anywhere close to a soulmate. You know this by now!
If you’re trash-talking your ex, he’s thinking that maybe he’ll be the next man being trashed by you. And if he’s bad-mouthing his ex and his kids, you know it’s just a question of time before you’ll be the next woman he hates.
3. Create intimacy, companionship, and friendship.
Too many people leave a marriage filled with resentments and anger about their ex-spouse but transfer that anger and resentments onto other women or men.
If you’re still angry and processing the hurt, don’t expect to find the love of your life. Instead, socialize and then date to heal your experiences with the opposite sex. There are good people on this planet. Kind people.
But until you’re feeling worthy of love and kindness, you won’t feel comfortable around good people.
4. Trust him.
You’ll be so caught up in not trusting anyone, that you won’t be able to be around people, men, who want to do good things for you. It’s an odd sensation.
You want sex. Attention feels good. But, also you don’t trust the guy next to you. And how could you? After all, going through a divorce is a real thing.
You can’t create a new love with resentments and anger.
5. Asses the relationship.
When you’re dating a new guy and you really, really like him, press pause for a minute. It’s time for some assessing. Can you talk about your ex without becoming hot and bothered? Have you made peace with your lifestyle adjustment? Are you standing on your own two feet again?
If you can’t answer those questions with something positive, you’re not really ready to fall in love. Sure, you can use a man to heal. You can experience good sex, intimate conversations, learn to trust guys again, but you’ll scare him off if you share what’s really going on for you. He’ll think he can’t fill your bottomless pit.
All it means is that you’ve got more emotional healing work to do.
6. Don’t expect him to heal you.
When a guy talks about the woman he’s crazy about but goes on and on about her pain — the pain he can’t help her heal — he has to be reminded that it is not his job to heal her pain. It’s her job.
And it’s doable. If you interested in finding a soulmate (or just a partner and a father for your kids) then you owe it to yourself and to him to do your own work.
Stop yourself before even thinking of using other people for the emotional growth you’re capable of doing on your own. Bring him your best self.
Telling your boyfriend about your recent divorce without scaring him off is a big deal and if you mess it up, you’re in for more heartbreak!
No man can do your healing for you and you can’t do his. Your process is your responsibility. Most people want true intimacy and love. Most divorced dads want a woman to fill the hole in the family structure. They want kindness and you have to be able to trust them.
So when you tell your new boyfriend about your divorce, do so with the wisdom you’ve gained from this modern-day rite of passage.
Know who you are now, away from the courtship, the fighting, and the divorce. Learn to trust your intuition and believe you’re worthy of true love. Why else would you be out there dating and worrying about telling your boyfriend about your recent divorce?
Believe in the power of love. Believe in those leaving a divorce and are looking for a soulmate (not just someone to hang out with).
I’ve learned the hard way that there’s a real process to overcome the effects of a divorce. It takes real time and a commitment to find the healing for you.
When you do, you’ll be ready to tell your new boyfriend about your divorce and he’ll admire all you’ve learned. He’ll be able to trust you with his heart. He’ll know you’re capable of handling pressure and stress. You’ll impress him with your strength and your ability to love again. You’ll inspire him to want to be with you. And you won’t scare him off!
Laura Bonarrigo is a Certified Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Coach. Laura’s a writer, public speaker and the founder of doingDivorce™ School an online coaching program for those ready to shed the pain of divorce. For empowering and practical ways to lose the identity of your past, visit doingDivorceSchool and Laura’s website.
This article was originally published at Laura Bonarrigo. Reprinted with permission from the author.
Twin obsession interferes with dating relationship – Detroit Free Press
Dear Amy: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost two years.
The first year of our relationship, his twin sister was living in another country. She came back to live in this country last year.
Upon her return, I very quickly discovered that they are extremely affectionate and obsessed with each other.
She acts like his girlfriend or mom. She controls him.
When he does something to upset her, like decline to go out for dinner, she guilts him relentlessly and he feels awful.
In general, I find their relationship creepy, annoying and immature.
Can I say something, or is it not my place?
And what would I even say? Am I being mean, or is this a reasonable thing to be concerned about?
– Unsure
Dear Unsure: If your boyfriend is actually obsessed with his sister, then you’re toast.
However, if she were truly controlling him, she wouldn’t have to “guilt” him, because he would always do what she wanted him to do.
As it is, it seems that he is saying “no” to his sister at least some of the time. However, he doesn’t seem comfortable (yet) with the boundaries he is trying to establish. He should see her behavior when she doesn’t get what she wants as an indication that at least part of their close relationship has a toxic tinge.
Read more:
Is he working toward maintaining some healthier distance from his clingy twin? If so, you should talk to him about his efforts and ask if there are ways you can support him.
If you truly see this as a creepy attraction between siblings, you might as well say so, but keep in mind that she came first in his life and consciousness, and likely always will. A less reactive way to frame this might be: “I’m really struggling with your close relationship with your sister, and I feel it’s creating some serious boundary issues. Can we talk about this?”
If his sister has successfully designated you as her rival for her brother’s attention and affection, you should understand that you will not prevail. Any sibling relationship is powerful; the twin connection is in a category all its own.
Dear Amy: I love my boyfriend of four years very much. We are both in our 20s.
We’ve been through a lot and always have fun when we’re together.
However, I’ve been feeling that I need more out of this relationship. I need it to move to the next step. I want us to move in together, but my boyfriend has made it clear that he’s not ready for that.
A week ago, I met a different man out at a bar and haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. We exchanged numbers, but I stopped answering his texts because I felt guilty, and didn’t want to hurt my boyfriend.
I want to focus on my relationship with my boyfriend, but I don’t want to miss out on other opportunities with other men.
I’m worried I might be with the wrong person, but breaking up would be too painful for me. So, Amy, how do I know I’m with the right person?
– Hopeless Romantic
Dear Hopeless: After four years, you and your guy should more or less be headed … somewhere. Together.
Two signs that you are on different paths are: Your boyfriend is not ready to cohabit. You are collecting other guys’ phone numbers at the corner bar.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with either of these things. They are just indicators that you two are not quite ready for primetime.
If you are too chicken to break up with your boyfriend, then by all means, continue alternating between pressuring him and fantasizing about being with other people.
You could handle this by simply being honest (without saying you want to break up): “I’m frustrated that our relationship is not progressing. I’m thinking about seeing other people.” You need to talk about it and yes, possibly face the pain and uncertainty of what might happen next.
Dear Amy: You’ve been fielding entertaining responses from readers regarding chronic lateness. But what about people who are always early? I had a guest show up at my house for dinner 30 minutes early. My husband was still in the shower!
– No to Fledglings
Dear No: I’m a chronic early bird and have spent many moments circling the neighborhood in my car, rather than arrive too early.
I believe that polite “on time” arrival equals 10 to 15 minutes after the stated start time.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2018/12/01/twins-dating-relationship-advice/2026883002/
Bad romance: The dark side of online dating – Independent.ie
John Daly* couldn’t get over his luck when he matched with ‘Sandra, 28’ on Tinder. She was blonde, blue-eyed and beautiful – and unusually eager to progress their online flirtation to a real-world date.
“If I’m honest, she was totally out of my league,” says John (38) from Dublin. “So it was a surprise – a pleasant surprise – when she was so keen to meet up.”
Over the course of a week, John and Sandra exchanged somewhere in the region of 80 messages on WhatsApp, where their relationship became “very intense very quickly”.
At first Sandra asked lots of “ice-breaker questions”, but before long her messages became sexually graphic.
“I was just out of a long-term relationship and new to the whole online dating thing,” says John. “I had heard loads of people say Tinder was for hook-ups and all that so I just assumed that that was the way it was.”
A date was soon arranged in a venue on Dublin’s Southside but neither party turned up. The day beforehand, John told a friend about his upcoming date. He showed him a picture of Sandra and shared some of the messages she had sent him.
“He smelt a rat immediately,” says John, “especially when I told him that she only had one photograph of herself on the app. Apparently that’s a bit of a red flag.”
John’s friend advised him to put the picture through Google Reverse Image – a tool that allows people to search for related images.
After just a few clicks, John found a Sydney Morning Herald news story with Sandra’s photo attached to it. It transpires that ‘Sandra’ was an Australian woman called Charlotte*. To make matters even more confusing, the story reported the tragic circumstances surrounding Charlotte’s death two years previously. “I felt like a complete fool,” says John. “My friend told me to report the incident to Tinder but I just deleted my profile, I was so embarrassed.”
John has since realised that Sandra was a ‘catfish’ – a broad-stroke term to describe people who use stolen photos to assume fake identities and build relationships online.
Catfish have different motives. Sometimes they have a target – an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend that they want to exact revenge on. Sometimes they want to explore a different identity or gender by masquerading as someone else. And sometimes they’re criminals.
A recent BBC Panorama report revealed that Action Fraud, the UK’s national reporting service for fraud, receives up to 10 reports of online romance scams a day – most of which originate on dating platforms.
Closer to home, the Garda National Economic Crime Bureau is dealing with an increasing number of reports from people who have been the victims of romance fraud, and who are often deeply embarrassed about coming forward.
“We have a good few cases of romance frauds on our books, although none of them is on the scale seen overseas,” head of the bureau, Detective Chief Superintendent Pat Lordan told Review. “They say love can be blind and some of the victims have given away thousands of euro to people they have never met.”
Romance fraudsters capitalise on the anonymity of social media and dating platforms. They use stolen photographs of attractive people to set up fake profiles and then, when they match with a target, they move the conversation to a different platform so that their dating account doesn’t get flagged as spam.
The perpetrator builds up a relationship with the target very quickly. They volunteer personal information to establish emotional intimacy and they declare their undying love after just a few weeks.
Eventually they tell the target that they have run into bad luck. They were mugged on the street or they just found out that a family member needs a life-saving operation. They arouse sympathy before they ask for money – if the victim hasn’t already offered to give it.
“People don’t understand why they would have paid out money to someone they haven’t met,” says cyberpsychology researcher Nicola Fox Hamilton.
“However, these scammers are very skilled at what they do. Some of the organised groups of scammers even hire psychologists to create scripts and processes that are more likely to work successfully.”
Nicola says scammers use psychological tactics to manipulate victims.
“In order to process the amount of information that we do on a daily basis, we use cognitive shortcuts to help us,” she explains.
“For example, we favour information that agrees with beliefs or attitudes we already have; we find that information more persuasive. So when we see an attractive profile on a dating site, and they initially appear to be very interested and sincere, we are more likely to overlook information that should be a red flag, warning us that things aren’t right.”
Reports suggest that women in their forties and fifties are more likely to be the victims of romance scams. However, there are scams that specifically target men – younger men especially.
At least five men in the UK and one man in Ireland – 17-year-old Ronan Hughes from Co Tyrone – have taken their own lives after falling victim to online sextortion rackets.
While romance scammers use confidence tricks to gain a victim’s trust, sextortion criminals ensnare their targets with titillating photos and sexually-charged messages.
Before long the man is encouraged to perform a sexual act during an online video chat that is secretly recorded, and the footage is later used to blackmail him for large sums of money.
Looking back, John thinks ‘Sandra’ might have been setting him up for this particular scam. “I reckon she was going to pull out of our date at the last minute and suggest a Skype chat instead,” he says.
John’s experience raises a lot of questions about the safety of dating platforms, just as the case of Tinder rapist Patrick Nevin shone a light on the dark side of online dating.
How can we be sure that we’re talking to who we think we’re talking to on a dating platform? Is it easier for criminals and sexual predators to target people in a space where users can easily fly under the radar with fake profiles? And, more to the point, are these platforms doing enough to keep their users safe?
For Noeline Blackwell, chief executive of the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre (DRCC), the answer is no.
The DRCC’s recently-published annual report highlighted some worrying new trends, including “a number of clients who have reported being raped by people they met on a dating platform”.
The organisation is now calling on dating platforms to put better safeguards in place.
“In a situation where the online dating companies are making massive amounts of money out of their product, there is a responsibility on them to ensure – or at least try to ensure – that people are not harmed by the product they are selling,” says Noeline.
“They have enough experience and enough knowledge of how the system operates to in some way apply that traceability,” she adds. “But there is a concern that it doesn’t suit them to do it – perhaps because it will slow down the sale of the product.”
Some of the newer dating platforms have made user-safety their USP: Bumble puts women in control of the connection; Once allows women to review the men they date.
The more established dating platforms, on the other hand, offer little more than a page of safety tips that reminds users to do their own “due diligence”.
Nicola thinks these safety tips could be more specific and better circulated. “Some of those tips could be about using reverse image search,” she suggests.
She also thinks dating platforms could monitor suspicious key words and phrases.
“If someone is asked to move to a different platform to talk, they might get a warning of things to look out for, or if someone is asking them to go to their house on a first date it might warn them that it’s not a great idea, and it might be better to meet publicly, etc.”
Noeline thinks an enhanced verification process could make a difference. “If someone sets up a fake profile and not reveal who they are – and the company can’t identify who they are even when they are asked – then there is a real danger,” she points out.
Another idea, proposed by Fine Gael Senator Catherine Noone, is a legislative ban on sex offenders using dating apps.
George Kidd, chief executive of the Online Dating Association – a standards body for the online dating industry – welcomes the proposal. “It puts a duty on the individual and creates consequences if he or she does not comply. That is a real aid if sites have no right of access to information on convictions,” he says.
But what is to stop a sex offender from creating a fake profile, asks Daragh O Brien, managing director of data protection consultancy Castlebridge.
The other issue, he says, is that the legislation could only be enforced against providers operating out of Ireland, and not providers operating out of other jurisdictions. “Not to mention the ethical problems,” he adds.
“What we could look at is whether the operators of these platforms have sufficient controls to identify problematic customers about whom complaints are made and issues are filed,” he suggests.
George says members of the Online Dating Association already have “robust conditions” on the behaviour of users and will “remove those who offend or may harm others”. However, he acknowledges that they can always get better.
The organisation is trying to centralise reports of dating fraud so that they can circulate them to companies in the sector. They are looking into ways that they can use charities, interest groups and social media to get safety messages out to users, “particularly those who might be new to apps and online dating”, and they’re working on a “Date Great: Date Safe” safety message that might be sent in instances where online contact is brief and where people want to meet others on a same-day/next-day basis.”
It’s a step in the right direction but it’s by no means a silver bullet. Online dating-initiated scams and sexual assaults are on the rise and, for now at least, the onus is on users to stay safe.
* Some names have been changed
Is your online interest a scammer?
Cyberpsychologist Nicola Fox Hamilton, below, lists some of the red flags to look out for:
A very attractive profile of someone in a different country who is unable to come and visit you – for example male profiles are often attractive, high up in the military and stationed abroad; female profiles are often very attractive, from economically depressed countries (eg Ukraine) and so cannot visit because they can’t afford to.
Cyberpsychologist Nicola Fox Hamilton
As soon as you start communicating with the profile, they start messaging a lot, it gets intense very quickly, and they try to move you off the dating platform into something like an instant message app very quickly. They usually don’t want to speak on the phone – but that’s not always the case.
The intensity of the relationship builds very quickly and they often declare love very soon. People scammed in these cases report feeling like no one has ever listened to them as much as this person; they’ve told them things they never told anyone else. They groom the person over a period of time – anything from weeks to up to two years – before they start asking for money.
They usually ask for something small first. Once you’ve agreed to that, you’re more likely to follow through on that commitment if they ask for more. Sometimes they will ask for a very large amount of money first – and when the person baulks at that, they ask for a smaller but still significant amount and are more likely to receive it. These are key psychological tools to persuade people to do something.
How to date safely online
Keep a friend updated during your date
Do background checks: Use the Google Reverse Image tool to verify the authenticity of photos and try to glean as much information as possible on the person, before cross-checking it online. For extra peace of mind, look for common connections and mutual friends.
Get advice: If you’re new to online dating, it’s important to get some pointers from people who have more experience of the landscape. They’ll point out shady online behaviours and common red flags.
Meet in public: If you’re meeting someone for the first time, choose a public and well-populated place.
Tell people: Let a friend or family member know about your plans, and give them contact details for the person you are planning to meet. Keep your friend updated throughout the date (and make sure your mobile phone is fully charged).
Trust your instincts: Dating and relationship coach Annie Lavin advises online daters to listen to their gut. “Do not overlook information that sounds shady,” she advises. “Most people who end up in unhealthy relationships claim they knew there was ‘something off’ from the very beginning.”
Don’t stay silent: The director of the Rape Crisis Network Ireland, Clíona Saidlear, worries that victims of dating platform linked sexual assault and rape may not come forward. “One of the major issues around the online setting is that you are active in that space and, to some extent saying you’re available and engaging in building connections with people, oftentimes with romantic/sexual intentions.
“But the message we really need to give out is that it doesn’t matter what you say you’re up for on your dating profile. That still doesn’t take away your right to say no to something.”
Indo Review
Dear Abby: Mom unhappy with daughter's phone dating – Lompoc Record
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl who has been in a long-distance relationship for two years. We’re still in high school and actively involved in sports and extracurricular activities. During the fall months I cheer, and in the winter months he plays basketball. Our schedules only really allow for texting and FaceTiming rather than going out.
Although our time is spent communicating on the phone, I feel we have a strong connection, and I am devoted to him. However, my mom is concerned “because I’m not dating and taking advantage of opportunities that could come with dating someone closer.” She criticizes him nonstop and thinks he’s making excuses and avoiding a commitment. She’d like to see me going out and having fun with someone like most girls my age do.
I don’t think he’s making excuses, and I don’t feel as though I’m missing out on any opportunities. This disagreement is causing an issue between my mom and me. I feel that he’s The One, but Mom is finding it challenging to accept this. I would love to hear your advice. — FAR, BUT CLOSE, IN MICHIGAN
DEAR F. BUT C.: You may feel that this young man is “The One”, but your mother has a point. Please listen to her. Rather than sit home every night because you are devoted only to him, you should socialize and develop non-romantic relationships. It wouldn’t be betraying him. Most young people go out in groups, and that’s what you should be doing. This may be what your mother is trying to convey rather than saying he isn’t The One.
Also, you and this young man have years of education to complete before you’ll be in a position to formalize your relationship. While you are doing that, both of you will meet new people and be offered opportunities that may broaden your horizons. Think about it.
DEAR ABBY: For the past two years, my husband, “Dennis,” has worked Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve. He’s in a business where he doesn’t have to be the only one to work these holidays. He volunteers to do it because of the tips and holiday pay. When I walked into the office today, I saw a note he had written to his boss asking to work both holidays again.
Years ago when my father was alive, he hosted Christmas Eve for our family. Then the tradition was handed down to me, and I proudly hosted them. Now that Dennis and I are together, our place is too small, so I asked my son to do it and he gladly agreed.
My problem is, I will have to go to my son’s alone again for Christmas Eve, and my son and daughter-in-law feel insulted because Dennis won’t come for the holidays. How do I deal with this? — HUSBANDLESS FOR THE HOLIDAYS, AGAIN
DEAR HUSBANDLESS: It appears you and Dennis have been married only a short time. Was he like this when you were dating? If the answer is no, it’s time to ask him if he intends to continue working holidays indefinitely. And when you do, let him know that his refusal to spend family time with your son and daughter-in-law hurts their feelings as well as yours.
If that doesn’t convince him to compromise, you will have to explain to your son and his wife that Dennis prefers to work rather than attend holiday celebrations and to please not take it personally because it’s not personal.
