Relationships Talk

To top off a year of subversive memes, the internet offered us the treasure that is “He’s Not Your Man” last weekend, a bait-and-switch meme that uses absurdist humor to point out classic bad behavior in a partner, while also mocking relationship advice. It begins by poking fun at lopsided relationships by listing the common characteristics of a crappy partner: he’s ghosting you, doesn’t listen, is rude to waitstaff, etc. Then the list pivots, becoming hyperspecific to point out the behavior of an actual terrible man in history or fiction:

It’s a flexible meme, with versions that apply to raccoons, the New York City subway, and fictional murderer Count Olaf. Even Dr. Seuss’s Cat in The Hat got called out for being a creep, and Clippy, the annoying Microsoft Word Office Assistant was given full meme treatment:

It is, like most memes, quite silly, but also incredibly relatable. Not only have most of us received crappy dating advice (solicited and otherwise), but the meme also speaks to a deeper truth about relationships: that sometimes we stay in them despite trademark red flag behavior. What’s more, it cleverly uses the relationship advice concept as a template to point out the many terrible things—often celebrated—men in history have done. In any case, “he’s not your man” is a graceful reminder that even if he isn’t a corrupt leader of an ancient Roman province or a sentient paper clip—if he’s always late and can’t text back, well, ladies, he’s not your man.

Michelle Obama is not only on tour promoting her chart-topping and bestselling book Becoming, but she is also dropping some essential gems along the way.

In one of her stops, Twitter user Shelby Ivey Christie shared a video of the former First Lady offering some indispensable dating advice to both sexes.

For the brothers, she told them to stop beating about the bush and declare their intentions, just like Barack did.

“Brothers, another thing, do not play games, he wasn’t playing games, that was another thing. He was like, ‘I like you, let’s figure this out.’ It wasn’t like ‘Well, I’m trying to do these kind of things,” she said, with the audience applauding and laughing.

“No, trust me I had plenty of that, people just trying to keep their options open. I was sick of that. Barack was like, ‘Nope, this is who I am, this is what I think we want, let’s give it a shot.’ He was clear, gentlemen. He was clear!”

About what the ladies should expect from suitors, she urged them to keep their bar high.

“It’s hard enough. With a high bar it’s hard. So you don’t want to start, you know, making huge, huge compromises in who you are and how you want a man or a partner to show up in your life,” she said.

“I think it helped that I wasn’t looking, you know, that I wasn’t thirsty. That I was pushing him off a little bit and he had to work a bit.”

Take a look at the video below:

Michelle’s dating advice.

Men, be clear. Women, don’t lower your bar. #IAmBecoming pic.twitter.com/BjntelNSNf

— Shelby Ivey Christie (@bronze_bombSHEL) November 26, 2018

When Liron Shapira was in his 20s, he relied on dating advice from one of his best friends. He really needed help with online dating.

“I would be looking at the blank wall, thinking like, ‘I have nothing to say. How could I possibly say anything interesting?'” Shapira remembers.

His friend would explain to him “there’s actually a way to have a natural, funny conversation inside online dating.”

Shapira and his friend, Lior Gotesman, realized there were probably plenty of people out there who needed similar help — whether it was getting over the anxieties of dating or working through issues in existing relationships.

The entrepreneurs launched Relationship Hero two years ago to do just that — provide on-demand coaching for anyone looking for dating or relationship advice. The Y Combinator-backed startup now has 70 full-time relationship coaches on staff and on Friday, announced it raised a $2 million seed round led by Foundation Capital, Village Global, and Shrug Capital.

“We’re one of those companies that is finding a market that was hiding in plain sight,” Shapira told Business Insider in a recent interview. “We’re all going to our friends for relationship advice, but where is the equivalent company for that?”

Don’t call it therapy

So what does a relationship coach actually do?

The coaches help customers with a mix of dating and relationship advice — from sending an opening one-liner on Tinder to composing a heartfelt email to an ex. Customers range from 18 to 70-years-old and its demographic is split almost exactly even between females and males, according to Shapira.

Users can call, text, or chat a Relationship Hero coach at any time of the day and expect an immediate response. Fees for coaching vary, but the average rate is around $90 per hour.

Coaches all must go through the same intensive training program, but not all have a background in psychology. One coach, for example, was a former accountant.

There’s been some pushback by professional therapists who say people should be going to them for relationship advice, Shapira acknowledges. But he doesn’t think traditional therapy is the answer.

“If you go to a therapist, they’re going to have you focus on yourself — focus internally on your emotions, your own mental state,” he says. “And the problem is that relationships are actually very external. It’s all about getting the results you want with your partner and with the outside world. And it’s a totally different skillset.”

Working at Relationship Hero

There are 75 employees at Relationship Hero, and 70 of them are coaches.

“We’re basically a team of coaches, with a little bit of overhead,” Shapira explains. He says with the company’s 20% month-over-month growth, it’s continually adding new coaches to its team.

Interestingly, these coaches are full-time employees of Relationship Hero, rather than contractors.

“It’s not a marketplace. We’re helping invent and ensure the quality of the coaching so we have to own that,” Shapira says. “The people who work for us, they’re really not independent contractors. We’re really strict how they go about the coaching.”

When it comes to where and when employees work however, Relationship Hero is very flexible. The company is entirely remote. Coaches live across the US and have flexible schedules which helps the company provide customers with coverage throughout the day.

“It’s really hard for people to find quality jobs in middle-America and places where the local economy isn’t doing that great. We’re offering people a job that’s full time, guaranteed, with a steady stream of clients,” Shapira tells us. “They also love the work because they get to help people. They can see that they’re putting families back together.”

As for Shapira, he’ll be putting the remote work model to the test next month when he leaves Silicon Valley and moves to upstate New York with his wife.

Shapira met his wife on Tinder three years ago, and thanks to the coaching of his friend and Relationship Hero co-founder, he was able to land a date.

“I met my wife on Tinder all thanks to Lior’s help!” Shapira explained. “Afterwards she told me she always flakes on guys, but somehow I convinced her to go on a date. It was a high stakes situation and the coaching was life changing.”

Dear Abby: I am a 17-year-old girl who has been in a long-distance relationship for two years. We’re still in high school and actively involved in sports and extracurricular activities. During the fall months I cheer, and in the winter months he plays basketball. Our schedules only really allow for texting and FaceTiming rather than going out. Although our time is spent communicating on the phone, I feel we have a strong connection, and I am devoted to him. However, my mom is concerned “because I’m not dating and taking advantage of opportunities that could come with dating someone closer.” She criticizes him nonstop and thinks he’s making excuses and avoiding a commitment. She’d like to see me going out and having fun with someone like most girls my age do. I don’t think he’s making excuses, and I don’t feel as though I’m missing out on any opportunities. This disagreement is causing an issue between my mom and me. I feel that he’s The One, but Mom is finding it challenging to accept this. I would love to hear your advice.

Far, but Close, in Michigan

Dear F. but C.: You may feel that this young man is “The One,” but your mother has a point. Please listen to her. Rather than sit home every night because you are devoted only to him, you should socialize and develop non-romantic relationships. It wouldn’t be betraying him. Most young people go out in groups, and that’s what you should be doing. This may be what your mother is trying to convey rather than saying he isn’t The One. Also, you and this young man have years of education to complete before you’ll be in a position to formalize your relationship. While you are doing that, both of you will meet new people and be offered opportunities that may broaden your horizons. Think about it.

Dear Abby: For the past two years, my husband, “Dennis,” has worked Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve. He’s in a business where he doesn’t have to be the only one to work these holidays. He volunteers to do it because of the tips and holiday pay. When I walked into the office today, I saw a note he had written to his boss asking to work both holidays again. Years ago when my father was alive, he hosted Christmas Eve for our family. Then the tradition was handed down to me, and I proudly hosted them. Now that Dennis and I are together, our place is too small, so I asked my son to do it and he gladly agreed. My problem is, I will have to go to my son’s alone again for Christmas Eve, and my son and daughter-in-law feel insulted because Dennis won’t come for the holidays. How do I deal with this?

Husbandless for the Holidays, Again

Dear Husbandless: It appears you and Dennis have been married only a short time. Was he like this when you were dating? If the answer is no, it’s time to ask him if he intends to continue working holidays indefinitely. And when you do, let him know that his refusal to spend family time with your son and daughter-in-law hurts their feelings as well as yours. If that doesn’t convince him to compromise, you will have to explain to your son and his wife that Dennis prefers to work rather than attend holiday celebrations and to please not take it personally because it’s not personal.