Relationships Talk

If OCIs are speed dating, interview week is when you define the relationship.

You’ve already checked out each other’s profiles, swiped right and made small talk over coffee. You liked them and they liked you, at least enough to go on a second date. You stressed about what to wear and rehearsed amusing anecdotes to fill potential awkward pauses. Over the past little while, you grabbed dinner, got invited back to their apartment, met some of their friends. And, of course, you dissected every facial expression and phone call, trying to gauge their interest.

Maybe you were playing the field and getting to know a few firms at the same time. Power to you. But then things started to get more serious. Maybe you realized you just weren’t clicking with one firm and ended things so you could concentrate on your other suitors. Maybe you resolutely dropped the “first choice” bomb over a Tuesday breakfast or maybe you kept coy and told every firm you could definitely see yourselves together one day.

Dating in your 20s. It’s a comment that is often followed with a sigh and a smile, both riddled with fond memories and lessons learned—or so I’ve gathered. At 24, I’ve spent many long evenings talking first dates and heartbreaks and love and lust with friends, and I’ve spent even more mulling over them by myself. They did what? He said that? God, I’m so in love. How could he? I can’t tell them. You will learn to love again.

Relationships teach us more about ourselves than most things I’ve experienced in my short life, and while I’ve learned plenty through my experiences, I wanted to learn more.

I’m currently single, still wading through the dating game, trying to find something meaningful that clicks. So I thought: What the hell? What if I asked my exes to reflect on our time together? What if I asked them for dating advice?

The initial thought left me with a pit in my stomach. Vulnerable. That’s the best way I can describe this experience. It’s terrifying to openly accept potential scrutiny. But, like most things that scare me, that only made me want to do it more.

Read more stories like this: These are the biggest dating turn-offs. Plus, How not to make a break-up ugly.

So I reached out to a few of my exes. I even contacted my first boyfriend from high school, who refused to respond (even to my late night, and I’ll admit drunken, pleas of pleeeasssseeeee answer just a few questions). He seems happily in a relationship, so I can’t blame him. But I did manage to wrangle three exes. I sent them all a version of this:

Hello! I realise we haven’t talked in awhile, but I have an odd favour to ask. I’m working on an article called “My Exes Give me Dating Advice.” Risky, I know. I was wondering if you would answer a few questions for that article? You can answer them as completely or incompletely as you want. You will remain anonymous in the article, apart from a nickname that we can agree on, but I will provide some context including when we dated and how long it lasted. Think you’re game?

There might have been some light begging, and I expressed how grateful I would be for their answers. I mean, there really isn’t much of a story without my exes. I sent over questions, they filled them up with responses. So with that, here are my exes and their dating advice for me:

Long distance relationship (LDR)

My long distance relationship turned not so long distance. We dated for about two and a half years, give or take, and broke up twice. While I wouldn’t call us friends, we’re on fine terms. LDR was the first to respond to my article—and promptly answered it (thank you for that!).

Better as friends(ish) (BAF)

We were a set-up and ended up seeing each other for about six months. I learned a lot from BAF during our time together—but learned even more after it ended. I fell in love, he didn’t. We’re still friends, but as BAF coined it, we’re more “Friendish.” I get some of my best feminist memes from him still.

Friends with benefits (FWB)

I felt an array of relationships would give me perspective, which is why I reached out to a friend with benefits. We, too, are on friendly terms—probably the friendliest of the bunch. I once told FWB this was one of the healthiest relationships I had ever had—we both knew where we stood—and it’s still true.

1. How long did our relationship last?

LDR: Two years plus, with a break somewhere in the middle.

BAF: This took some text searching. We went on our first date June 16, 2017 and I broke us up December 10, 2017.

FWB: A couple of months, give or take.

2. If you can remember, what initially attracted you to me?

LDR: I thought you were smart, funny, and pretty. Plus, we were in Europe; it was new, fun, and exciting. Everything seemed natural.

BAF: I was pretty nervous about going out with you because of the age gap (readers, she’s 10 years younger than me). But I remember being impressed by your confidence and poise. Also, your romper was cute.

FWB: Definitely the sense of humour. Inappropriate in all the right ways.

3. What is something I did well in our relationship?

LDR: Sex, lol. Showing/sharing feelings … whether I liked it or not. I never had to guess what was on your mind.

BAF: One of the best things about you in general is how much you really live your life. You definitely grab it with both hands, and it’s infectious.

FWB: Positive feedback, and I’ll just leave it at that.

4. What is something I could have improved on?

LDR: Controlling your liquor. Most of our biggest fights happened when you were intoxicated.

BAF: I worked really hard to make sure you knew where I stood on our relationship, and you made it clear really early you weren’t into exclusivity or anything serious and were looking to date around and enjoy your 20s. And I was totally cool with that. I started to pull away further and further, and I thought that sent the message I wasn’t up for anything serious for a bunch of reasons. But I think I knew you were getting attached, and I knew I didn’t feel the same way, but because we were in this weird limbo state, I wasn’t sure how to break it down. I knew just casually walking away would be hurtful. And I knew it wasn’t honest to keep going, when I didn’t feel the same. I think if you’d been a little more honest with me about your feelings, we could have addressed things sooner, or I could have handled it in a way that wasn’t so blindsiding.

FWB: Oh lord, maybe fewer questionnaires? I kid.

5. What would you have changed about our relationship?

LDR: I can’t think of anything I would change. We had a pretty solid relationship, minus a couple of speed bumps. Sometimes things don’t work out, but I feel like we both learned a lot from each other.

BAF: I wish I had been more forthright sooner, but I was trying to figure things out. I didn’t want my depression to influence my decision. And I didn’t want to string you along when you could be out finding a better fit.

FWB: Nothing springs to mind.

6. Why did things end?

LDR: We were too different and didn’t have enough shared interests. I liked sports, you liked art. Not saying that’s a deal breaker, but we were on opposite ends of the spectrum.

BAF: I was in a place where I didn’t have the energy for anyone. And I had this person who seemed to like me more, the more withdrawn I became, which made me feel worse in a fucked up way because I felt like I was letting this great person down and was mad at myself for not reciprocating.

FWB: Not 100 per cent sure. It just seemed to naturally flow that direction away from a physical-based relationship to a friendship with the occasional knowing smile at one another at gatherings.

7. Would you change anything about our breakup?

LDR: Which one? Lol. No, I thought our breakup went surprisingly smooth. I think that’s because we both knew it was time to end things.

BAF: I should have been more honest about my reasons why. Depression was a factor, and a big one. But deep down, I knew I didn’t feel the same way as you did. And I really didn’t want to hurt someone who had been so consistently kind and sweet to me. All of this sounds so pretentious on my part. I don’t think I’m God’s gift to women or that you were some China doll that needed to be handled carefully, but you’re a good person, and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

FWB: Not really, it seemed sort of natural at the time and we clearly remained on good terms after things stopped being physical. Which I appreciated.

8. Any other advice you would give me?

LDR: This advice isn’t just for you, but for all women: men are shitty. If you feel like you deserve better, it’s because you probably do. Don’t settle for mediocrity.

BAF: I don’t have a ton of advice. I know this was supposed to be more fun or playful than this interview was probably intended. I mean this in the least condescending way possible, but you’re young and you’re supposed to date a lot of people, have fun, figure out what you like, and what you don’t and learn from it. And you’re doing that. I’d say be honest with your feelings and don’t be afraid to share them with who you’re dating, but that’s easier said than done, and probably hypocritical on my part, to say at all. Truthfully, you’re doing it right. You’ll find some woke person who loves you for you and has the right amount of complimentary crazy.

FWB: Keep dancing. Always. I’m 99 per cent sure that was part of our first time out together with friends and was where we realised that things weren’t going to be strictly platonic.

9. How awkward has it been filling this out?

LDR: Not awkward at all. If I thought it was going to be awkward I wouldn’t have agreed to do this. Awkward is seeing your ex in a bar and having a co-worker go talk to them … cough cough.

BAF: Not really. I’m more nervous for how you use this information than anything.

FWB: On a scale of “gaping pause on a first date” to “mum found my porn stash,” I’d say this was a solid “forgetting someone’s name as you’re introducing them to someone else”.

These answers arrived over the course of a few months—and each one provided a different level of insight. I debated for awhile on how to explain my responses to the answers I received. As a reader, will you ever fully understand the nuances of what they said—without all the background information? But while I opened myself up for scrutiny, my exes did not ask for the same. So I’m going to do my best to put words to how I feel.

LDR: Thank you LDR for answering so quickly. You said we were different, which I agree with very much , but I think we also have different perspectives on what being different means. I don’t think differences make people inherently incompatible, but I agree our differences weren’t right for each other. I will comment on my drinking habits: I think we fought when I was drinking because sober me was too scared to be honest about how I felt about things. I’m working on being more honest. I had enough closure at the end of our breakup where this questionnaire didn’t change how I felt, but I do think it solidified what I had learned from our time together—and I think we both have a lot to learn still.

BAF: This process gave me closure in a way I hadn’t realised I needed. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. When people break up it’s because they’re on separate pages. Before this article, I didn’t know what page you were on. Now I realise you were in a completely different book. Our time together taught me more about myself than I think I’ve let on, so thank you for that. I’ll take your advice to heart: ‘be honest with your feelings and don’t be afraid to share them.’ I think both of us can learn from that, and I hope you already have. I’d like to be friends eventually, but “friendish” is cool for now.

FWB: Oh, FWB, we had a lot of fun. Thanks for being up for this, for being honest, and for dancing with me that first night. It was refreshing to know we really did feel the same way during our time together. How lucky that it turned out that way. You’re a catch, and I think both of us deserve happiness and love. I’m confident we’ll find it—maybe you already have—just make sure they give, uh, positive feedback, too.

Overall, this process has given me closure in a way I hadn’t realised I needed. So thank you, LDR, FWB, and especially BAF for that. The biggest surprise of this activity has been the positive feedback I received. Apparently, I’m better in bed than I thought, but more importantly, I think I’m doing the right thing. I’m putting myself out there, getting my heartbroken, learning from my past, re-evaluating what I want next, and living life to the best of my ability.

While my relationships with these three exes didn’t work out, I’ve learned a lot from them—as we all do from partners. In a few years, maybe I’ll look back and smile at how much I learned from this. Maybe I’ll have a new list of exes—of experiences to learn from—that I’ll question again. Or maybe I’ll have someone who isn’t an ex, someone woke who clicks, that I can ask a whole new set of questions.

This article originally appeared on Healthista and was republished here with permission.

Kelcie McKenney is a writer, editor, and artist who is passionate about feminism. She currently works as Digital Editor at The Pitch , where she writes and edits for Kansas City’s alternative magazine. You can find Kelcie watching internet cat videos, eating brunch, taking photos, and reading mystery novels.

She currently writes for Catcall Mag which is a feminist magazine that aims to turn catcalling on its head. They want women to share their own personal stories, reflections, thoughts, ideas, rants and observations and aims to get more women in on the conversation.

Photos of Kelcie all taken by Travis Young

@travislikefilm on Instagram

Okay, for real. How can you be sure you’re ready to date again after another “Let’s be friends…” chat that (*shocker*) ends with unfollowing each other on all social media platforms and never speaking again?

It’s tough to be sure, but there are certain signs that prove you’ve made a breakup your bitch, and are, in fact, more than ready to start seeing other people again.

Below are six clues. If you can’t check off more than half of them with an “eff yes” affirmation, you should remain in the grieving process and just focus on you while your heart finishes healing. But if you can confidently say “done and done” to a majority of these, then congrats! It’s time to get back out there and date your cute butt off.

1. The idea of having someone else in your life warms your once cold (read: shivering) heart.

To be clear, this isn’t referring to that effed-up advice to jump into bed with someone else right away (trust, that’s not the best way to get over someone). But if you’ve actually sorted through all the phases of a breakup, and now find yourself daydreaming about your cute barista, and you’re no longer tweeting posts like #datingistrash, then you are ready to have a plus one again.

2. You’re maybe, sort of, kind of, potentially excited by someone showing interest in you.

“Most of the time when women are going through a breakup, they’re not even noticing when someone is interested in them,” says dating and relationship expert Lesley Edwards. Remember how easy it was just a short time ago to say, “Nah” to just about any person hitting you up? Then you’ll know you’ve made real progress when there’s been a shift from “Nah” to “Maybe,” or even “Heck yes.” In short, if the idea of entertaining someone else again doesn’t make you want to hurl, then you’re good to go.

3. You get in your feels again.

No, not the bad kind; This is the butterflies, nerves, mushy-gushy good kind of feels. They may start off minimal, but if you’re getting ‘em in your tummy and maybe even some fireworks when you catch yourself flirting with someone, then consider these natural emotions as a clue that you’re primed to get hot and bothered again by someone who’s most definitely not your ex.

How to Actually Get Over a Broken Heart

4. You’re reminiscing less.

“Instead of looking back in the past, your perspective is shifting more to the future,” says Edwards. This means that you can finally listen to that Ariana Grande song without associating it with your ex (who had randomly played “No Tears Left to Cry” in the car that one time). Life is seemingly better without your old boo, and your thoughts are seemingly moving on from them to0… which is an excellent development.

5. Going literally anywhere alone doesn’t seem so bad.

It’s totally normal to feel lonely post-breakup, and you should definitely use that time to lean on your squad and fambam. But when you find yourself genuinely being able to do things independently by yourself—such as going for a walk in the park, hitting up a movie, or window shopping—without feeling anxious or like you’re going to die alone, your head is in the right place.

6. You’re saying “Yes” more often than “No.”

Not only are you saying “yes” to your friend who’s been dying to set you up, you’re also saying “yes” to just more in general. It’s like you’re awakening from the deep slumber that is breakup hell (we all know it), and now, you’re picking a night out with friends over staying in for guzzling wine and crying to The Notebook self-care. This calls for a toast, because you, my friend, are ready to start dating again. Congrats!

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22 Ways to Get Over a Breakup Like a Grown Woman