Relationships Talk

Cancer is a life-changing diagnosis that means having to make life-changing decisions.

Leanne Pero cared for her mother when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Then at 30, she was diagnosed with breast cancer herself by the same consultant who treated her mother.

Leanne made the decision to undergo a preventative double mastectomy. Here she discusses having elective surgery despite advice from medical professionals, dealing with stigma and changes to her life during recovery, and the impact cancer has had on her mental health after recovering physically.

‘Devastated’ doesn’t properly convey how you feel when you are told everything society uses to define you as a woman is going to be ripped away from you at the age of 30.

I was sat in a doctor’s office being told I had a fast-growing form of stage three breast cancer. That I would need to take 12 months off from running the dance business I’d built when I was a teenager and quit the uni course I’d just started. That I’d lose a breast and my hair, and I’d have to freeze my eggs because my periods might not return after chemo.

‘I didn’t think anything of it other than it might be hormonal, mainly because of my age’

A few months earlier, life had been completely different. My mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time and I had taken some time off to look after her. Once she was given the all clear, I decided to go on holiday. I remember feeling really happy.

When I returned, I found a lump. Because of my age I didn’t think anything of it other than it might be hormonal. Over the course of four weeks it rapidly grew in size. I showed it to my mum thinking she would say I was being a hypochondriac. Instead, she told me to see a doctor.

They thought it was a cyst

The doctor said: “I know you did this with your mum, and I’m not going to beat around the bush – we found cancer”

The doctor referred me to hospital and a consultant agreed it felt like a cyst. I felt more reassured but they wanted to be sure, so a week later, I had an appointment with the radiology section.

The appointment began on a really positive note – then the mood dropped. They made me have a mammogram, took a biopsy and asked me to come back for the results.

I left the appointment in tears. I knew something was really wrong and the week that followed was one of the worst of my life.

‘She said: “I know you did this with your mum, and I’m not going to beat around the bush – we found cancer”‘

On the day of the results, the same consultant who had seen my mother when she had breast cancer called me in. She said: “I know you did this with your mum, and I’m not going to beat around the bush – we found cancer.”

My whole world fell apart in that room. She told me I’d need an MRI to make sure the cancer hadn’t spread. After being told about freezing my eggs and the mastectomy, I thought that would mean no man would want me. I told myself I was single and old enough as it is not to have children.

I had to make arrangements in case I died

Leanne Pero

I had to spend the next week offloading my business to two people and deferring uni. I talked to my accountant because I didn’t know if I would die from this. It was heartbreaking. I went into such a state of shock and anxiety, I didn’t eat. I survived on sips of water.

I began chemo a week after the diagnosis which meant attending my brother’s wedding three days after the first session. Two weeks later, my hair fell out.

But I responded well to treatment. I had eight sessions of chemo, and in the one week when it didn’t make me feel terrible, I spent time with friends and family and went out. I made an effort with my hair and makeup – when I turned up to a cancer support group, people almost couldn’t believe I was ill.

‘I was even asked when I was on the operating table nearly a year later if I wanted to go ahead with the mastectomy’

Shortly after the diagnosis, I had a meeting with a team of doctors. They said because I was young, there was a 60 to 70 per cent chance of this cancer returning as it had with my mum. They wanted to give me options and advised that I could have a double mastectomy which would reduce the risk of the cancer returning. I decided to opt for the preventative surgery.

Everyone was against it – including my consultant – because they didn’t agree with me getting rid of a healthy breast. I was even asked when I was on the operating table nearly a year later if I wanted to go ahead with it, but I was adamant.

The fear of cancer has stayed with me

Leanne Pero

The fear of cancer coming back didn’t go after the surgery. It can still cripple me and leave me unable to get out of bed. Sometimes I wake up with nightmares. It’s had an immense toll on my mental health.

Read more

We’re breast cancer doctors – and know claims the disease can be ‘avoided’ by lifestyle choices are unfounded

Some people think because you’ve been given the all clear you’re now fine, but there’s a lot you have to deal with. When you are rebuilding your life after going through a year of treatment, you’ve lost your breasts, you’ve put on weight from the drugs, you’ve lost your sense of self and you feel as though you don’t know who you are.

Around September, I realised I was depressed. I went to see my doctor.

People don’t talk about it

Leanne Pero

I didn’t know how to have a normal life. People didn’t understand nor did they really want to. I remember getting in my car thinking: “You know what, I don’t care if I got into a car crash right now.” That sounds terrible, but it was how I felt.

I also learned a lot about people I thought were good friends but just disappeared when I had cancer. And on the flipside were the friends I made when I had cancer who got jealous when I started getting better.

Cancer is anti-social and it makes people awkward. Particularly in the black community, people don’t like to talk about it. People like to believe cancer doesn’t exist so when women are diagnosed, they are ostracised. They say: “Well we don’t know where you got it from, it’s not from us.”

I’ve reclaimed my life – and my mind

Recently, I told a family member that before cancer I was very lost. I was working incredibly long hours, going to bed at midnight, getting up at 4am and surviving on three coffees a day. While I love work, it’s not the be all and end all and I now have more balance in my life.

I now feel better, but I’m constantly having to fight – the depression, the stigma and the fear of cancer coming back even though I had the double mastectomy to ensure it doesn’t.

But I’ve made peace with my worries in that first diagnosis meeting. I’ve dated since cancer and realised men aren’t all that bothered about the facts – for instance, around fertility. If they want to be with you, they want to be with you. Most of all, I’m now aware and sure of who I am – and that definitely translates to more confidence on dates.

The most important thing I have managed to reclaim after cancer is my mind and a sharp focus that I am going to live each day to its absolute fullest.

Breast Cancer Care helped Leanne with her recovery. For support and information visit breastcancercare.org.uk/care-after-breast-cancer 

Popular E4 dating show Celebs Go Dating doesn’t exactly have the best reputation in celebrities finding ‘love’, but when Gogglebox star Amy Tapper appeared on the last series earlier this year, it looked like she’d fallen head over heels for her date Ace Hearn.

After the pair enjoyed a peck on the lips during the series finale earlier this month, viewers were left wondering what happened next between the pair, with many asking if they were ‘official’.

Speaking to OK! Magazine, Amy has melted our hearts by admitting she is still in touch with Ace, adding, “We really bonded well and have a good connection.”

She then told the publication, “I’m doing my thing, and he’s doing his, and we are just seeing how things go I guess. It was amazing to share it with someone who I could have a laugh with and such a good time with.”

AWWWW! 😍😍😍

Let’s hope Ace has more luck with Amy than his dad did with Gemma Collins! 🙈

Meanwhile, in other Celebs Go Dating news, despite the latest series just coming to an end, bosses have already lined-up even more celebrities for the agency. Plus there’s the fact that we have a brand new dating coach to join new face Paul Carrick Brunson – who took over after the controversial exit of both Eden Blackman and Lady Nadia Essex – in life coach Anna Williamson.

Check out the full Celebs Go Dating line-up below:

We can’t wait for the new series! 🙌

NOW WATCH: Robbie Williams reveals the REAL REASON he signed up for The X Factor

If your favourite music icons are the Spice Girls and your favourite Ks are Kylie and the Kardashians, you need heat Radio in your life! heat Radio is portable, so you can listen to us on the move. Simply download our app from your phone’s app store or listen on DAB Digital Radio UK, on Freeview Channel 716 or online at heatradio.com and at heatworld.com. We’re on all the smart speakers too, just say “play heat Radio”.

28 November 2018

As you enter your late 20s, social media feeds become full of engagements, wedding pictures and baby announcements. It seems like every day someone new is engaged or has something exciting to announce. But what happens if you’ve had the whirlwind romance, big white wedding, moved into your dream home and the realisation dawns that Mr. Right isn’t quite right? You might be able to work through it, or you might choose to separate. Getting divorced is never an easy time, but for young couples this can be particularly difficult.

Is it time to go your separate ways?

Inevitably, a young couple going through a divorce hasn’t been married for very long. Unhelpful (and, in my view, undeserved) feelings of failure and embarrassment can surface, particularly if family and friends have recently forked out for your wedding. This, coupled with daily reminders on social media that everyone else is getting engaged, the financial pressure of getting divorced, finding a new place to live and working out how to split your financial affairs, can make you feel completely overwhelmed. It is no surprise that separating couples’ mental health will suffer during this time – depression, heavy drinking and anxiety are just some of the issues which can arise as a result of a divorce. The Shaw Mind Foundation published in its study that on average it takes a year to recover from a close bereavement but two years to recover from a divorce.

My first advice is to ignore the image portrayed by Instagram and other social media platforms. You are not alone in needing to end a failing marriage: 42% of married couples find themselves divorcing. It is healthy to end an unhappy relationship, and you are doing the right thing. But what can be done to try and make the process less stressful and expensive? It’s no secret that a protracted and messy divorce battle is costly and means that neither spouse can move on with their lives for quite some time.

The ‘usual’ divorce process leads the separating couple down an adversarial road straight away, with both parties consulting different solicitors from day one. This framework creates an element of conflict which can have a damaging impact on the whole process and the couple’s mental health – much more than people realise.

There is another aspect which can exacerbate an already emotional situation, and that is the cost of divorce. The average divorce now costs £17,000- £30,000 – an amount which can seem insurmountable to a young couple. And if cases end up in court they can cost much, much more.

Whilst a stress-free divorce is near impossible, it is worth looking into your options to find a process that is less combative – from both a legal and financial perspective.

For example:

1. Mediation – since 2013, couples have been actively encouraged to consider this as a viable alternative. If you are a separating couple you must each now attend a mediation information meeting before you can make a court application. For many couples who engage in mediation, the process can be effective in reaching a quick settlement. The only disadvantage is that mediators cannot offer legal advice.

2. Another option is the service we offer at The Divorce Surgery, which short circuits the traditional route. Instead of appointing your own lawyers, one impartial and experienced family law barrister advises you both as to the way a court would view your case. This process takes around 6-8 weeks and the couple knows the total fee up front before they commit. The couple can then come to an agreement which is fair, armed with an understanding of what their legal rights are and what a court would consider is fair in their situation.

Ignore Instagram and Facebook. The healthiest response to an unhealthy relationship is to address what is wrong rather than putting on a brave face. Do what is right for you, and choose the way to divorce that works for you. One of these less adversarial routes might leave you in a much better position, emotionally and financially, to rebuild on the other side.

Samantha Woodham, Barrister and Co-Founder of The Divorce Surgery – helping separating couples cut straight to the answer so they can minimise the conflict, as well as save time and money.

via GIPHY

Ella Daniels – Dating lawyers is not something to be done lightly for more reasons than any of us might think, but we recently came across an article in law jobs site LawCrossings that caught our eye.

The problem is that of the 11 tips, only four –  five at most –   made any real sense to us.

It provided the 11 top tips on dating lawyers, apparently based on expert interviews from those who know about such matters, including lawyers.

But work out which of the tips are those that you could live by and which are simply giving in to someone whose yet to get his or her around having a workable relationship.

The 11 ‘Lawyer Dating’ Tips You Need to Know

1. Raise Your Awareness – aka ‘Get Used to It’

If you go in with a high level of awareness and can keep adjusting how you deal with the pressures, you’ll manage better in the end.

Law is a high pressure business, so get ready for the pressures it will bring if you’re about to embark on a legal career.  As if we didn’t know.

2. Admire – aka ‘Leave ’em to it

An odd one really, but here the suggestion is that lawyers earn big money doing a hard job and “sometimes you just have to leave them alone and let them get on to it.”

We’re not sure if that’s a tip exactly, or just an observation on a tough-ass job.

3. Get a Life – aka ‘Find other things to do’

“If you’ve ever had an urge to start a hobby, now’s the time,” the authors suggested.

Well, we don’t know what sort of commitment that is to making the relationship work, but hobbies are generally good and having what they call “structured activities” are also good so long as the relationship is structured properly as well.

Bonus Tip:  
We like hard facts
So if you think there’s a chance in hell we’re one of those people you can just float along ‘seeing’ for months and months, then think again. We want an actual relationship status and an anniversary date for the diary. Minimum.

Cosmopolitan

4. Get a Dog – aka ‘Find a real friend’

Look, we love dogs, but when you’re looking to build a relationship with someone, why are you also buying a dog, unless it’s a way to meet people and have them admire your cuddly four-legged friend when you’re really intent on cuddling your two-legged one.

5. Keep Your Own Company – aka ‘Only the Lonely’

“Be confident doing things alone -eating, shopping, catching a movie.”

Well, it’s getting depressing now because the tips all relate to being alone, or walking your new dog.  And loneliness was not part of the deal, even if you do have a wealthy lawyer in a so-called relationship.

6. Set Ground Rules – aka ‘Division of Labor’

A heavy workload doesn’t absolve your loved one of all responsibilities . .  Divide chores, and even stick a chart on the fridge detailing who does what -dorky, yes, but effective.

Work out a statement of expectations that each person can set priorities around. This includes time for each other. Plan a 15-minute phone conversation every afternoon. At first it may seem pathetic that you have to arrange this kind of thing, but it’ll give you both something to look forward to – a constant, which will be hard to come by these days.

7. Learn the Language – aka ‘Speak like a Lawyer’

Buy a copy of Merriam Webster’s Dictionary of Law. Each day, commit to memory one legal term. When your beleaguered spouse sloughs through the door at night, ask if she’d like her dinner in facie curiae or by herself. She’ll think it’s funny.

8 Show Some Interest – aka ‘Get Oriented’

Most law schools offer an orientation session for family members.

Frankly so do Gambling Anonymous, but we’re not sure if this is the way towards building a great relationship.  Besides, if you’re beyond law school, what orientation sessions then?  The boardroom drinks?

Bonus Tip: We’re Always Fighting

Yes, I know there are some loud mouth lawyer types out there who like to make themselves known. These are the ones that make all lawyers seem unbearably obnoxious. I promise we’re not all like that.

Thought Catalog

9. The Care Package – aka “Sucking up”

Suggested items include: 1 lb. gourmet coffee, 2 movie tickets, 1 Cross Morph pen,1 Power Bar, Listerine breath strips, 1 good-smelling candle, and 1 CD of Chopin’s Nocturnes. Instructions: Arrange items in box, write sweet note, leave on desk

Really?

10. Speak Up – aka “Ask leading questions”

When you feel neglected – and you will -take a deep breath and give the neglecter a break. But if it gets serious, voice your concern.

11. Join the Team – aka “Empathetic understanding”

Any relationship is based on good communication, right?  So when you’re neglected, tell’em.  Straight.

Lawyer or not, straight talking and honesty will always win the day.  You’re not in Court when you’re in the kitchen or the bedroom.  You’re in a relationship, so drop the jury-selection tactics and get on with the main event