Category Archives: Relationships
7 Steps to Being Successful in Online Dating – Psychology Today
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Source: Online Dating
Don’t like being alone? Want a partner? Then online dating offers you the possibility of finding one. However, online dating is no panacea and it can take a little effort to find the type of person who is right for you. Similarly, if you are looking for a house, an apartment or shopping for a car, it may take you some time and research to find the right one.
In some ways, online dating is really just relationship shopping or ‘relationshopping’, a little like the Amazon or eBay of the dating world. In addition to this, the amount of choice of potential dates which appear to be available in online dating can make the process somewhat daunting. Therefore, it is firstly important to be selective about which dating site or sites you should use.
1. Which Website or App to Use
The are many different dating apps and sites to choose from, and in addition to the mainstream apps and sites, there are also many niche sites. While some of these sites may seem slightly strange at first, they can have a very important place for those who belong to specific niche groups.
It is highly unlikely that you would have the money or even the time to use many dating sites at the same time and therefore it is important to be selective in those you use. One common question is always, which is the best site to use? This is obviously a rather difficult question to answer, in as much people have different preferences about the way in which they go about dating. One major way in which sites can be categorised is in terms of what might be called see and screen sites, where daters decide on their own choices and sites employing algorithms, which attempt to match people together on relevant characteristics. Different types of site have different effects on a dater’s perceived control and their decision-making satisfaction in dating (Tong, Hancock & Slatcher, 2016).
2. Profile Pictures
The importance of first impressions is well known, and therefore the way in which you construct your dating profile will have an effect on the way in which others initially perceive and judge you. Having said that, the way in which some people construct their dating profiles is rather surprising. Dating research company ‘Dating Scout’ have published some rather unusual findings. For example, in terms of profile pictures, many men display pictures of themselves yielding weapons. A profile photo I once viewed was even accompanied by the caption ‘I reserve the right to bear arms, but I also like long walks on the beach and nights in with a glass of wine.’ In addition, a high proportion of males feature in dating profile pictures alongside big cats, although thankfully this is something which many dating sites have now banned. Also surprising is the number of profile pictures of people holding bacon.
There is plenty of advice on how to construct your profile, how many photos to include and what they should illustrate, but that is outside the scope of this article.
3. Profile Descriptions
In addition to a profile picture, most dating sites allow users to write a brief profile, which describes them, both in terms of their interests and their personalities. However, it is surprising how unimaginative people can be in doing this. “I love to laugh” is a popular description. Surely, everyone loves to laugh. “My friends and family are important to me”. Well you’d kind of hope so. However the best one surely has to be “I’m normal” Very reassuring!
The important thing really is to say something about your own personality or interests, and preferably something you can illustrate about yourself using an example or two.
4. Making Decisions
In addition to advertising yourself in your online dating profile, you also need to engage with the dating process by evaluating the profiles of other daters, in order to ascertain whom you like. Finkel at al (2012), suggest limiting oneself to a manageable set of dating candidates, which avoids the choice overload issue described earlier. Furthermore, they recommend avoiding an assessment type mindset, and not being too reliant on selecting your potential dates on specific criteria. Instead, one should maybe try selecting the type of person with whom you can imagine having a good time.
The romantic notion is that there is someone for everyone, an idea perpetuated further by dating sites offering to provide users with a match. However, the human race is not like some enormous jigsaw where everyone matches together. It’s really not that simple, with the truth being that for some people there may be very few or even no matches, while for others there may be many.
5. Opening Lines
If you see someone you like in online dating, then the next thing is to make contact. Therefore, what do you say as an opening line? Back in 1986, Chris Kleinke and colleagues (Kleinke, Meeker and Staneski, 1986) asked students what they would say to initiate contact with someone they wanted to meet. In other words, what do people say when they meet someone they would like to get to know? Some of the more humorous lines which, by the way, were categorised as cute or flippant, were, “Didn’t we meet in a previous life?” and “You remind me of a woman I used to date.” While lines such as these are not necessarily recommended, it is important to note the importance of humour.
6. Humour
Pretty much everyone states that they have a good sense of humour, and the acronym GSOH (Good sense of humour) is often used in dater’s descriptions. However, sense of humour can either mean that you laugh a lot at the jokes made by other people, or that you are good at making other people laugh. In other words, what has been called humour appreciation or humour production. Research has revealed gender differences here in as much as men generally like to make jokes and have other laugh at them, whereas women like to be made to laugh. If you have ever watched a man and a woman together in a coffee shop or a bar, then it is the amount of laughter produced by the female rather than that produced by the male, which predicts romantic interest. One theory as to why it is for men to generate humour comes from evolutionary psychology. Men who can be spontaneously funny are said to be creatively intelligent. Those who are creatively intelligent possess good intelligence genes, and consequently are more attractive. Therefore, in any online or face-to-face conversation it is important to use and appreciate humour.
7. Meeting
The goal in online dating is ultimately to meet the person with whom you have been chatting, and it is probably important to meet up as soon as possible. After all, you don’t necessarily want a long-term online dating pen pal.
So what are the do’s and don’ts of a first meeting? Well there are lots, but some obvious ones are not to play with your phone in front of your date. Even if it vibrates in your pocket then resist the urge to look at it or check it.
Also, don’t say that the situation is awkward or that it is embarrassing to think that you met online. Actually, in the USA, about 33% of marriages begin online. Furthermore, in comparison to marriages which are the result of face-to-face meetings, people in marriages, which are the result of online dating report higher rates of relationship satisfaction.
Well that’s a quick and maybe slightly frivolous start to online dating. Remember also that to be successful, you really have to spend time and effort, but hopefully it will be worth it.
This is not a lecture
Dear Dr. Wallace:
My boyfriend is planning to join the Navy. He and I have been dating for almost 2 years and love each other very much. In the time we’ve been together, we have not been sexually active. But now the time has come for us to have sex and to share our true love to the maximum. Once my boyfriend enters the military, our time together will be extremely limited.
Naturally, I don’t want to get pregnant. My mom would be devastated. I have a good opportunity to attend college soon, as my grades make this a strong possibility. A baby would severely hinder this goal. If, by chance, I become pregnant, an abortion would be out of the question. My boyfriend and I have discussed various kinds of birth control. I will use “the pill” (I have already visited a doctor), and he will use a condom. I realize that using only the pills or only a condom does not give a couple 100 percent protection. I would like to know the percentage of pregnancy protection if both are used simultaneously?
No lectures please on avoiding premarital sex. Our minds are made up and nothing you say will alter our plans. Nothing.
— Anonymous, South Bend, Indiana
Dear Anonymous: Used properly and together, the pill and the condom offer 99 percent protection from pregnancy. That means for every 100 couples who use this double coverage to avoid pregnancy, one couple will be parents nine months later. Only abstinence will offer you 100 percent protection. Please don’t consider this to be a lecture; it’s just a fact, but a very important one for you to understand and consider.
Dear Dr. Wallace: A boy and I have been best friends for a long time. We are both 15 and go to different schools, but I do see him two or three times a week because we are in the same church youth group and have many mutual friends. In the past several months, I’ve come to realize that I care for him more than just a best friend. I’ve wanted to tell him this because I get the feeling that he also cares for me more than a best friend. I want to ask him to our “Fall Fling,” which is a dance at our school where the girl does asking and paying and the guy gets a free ride! But I’m afraid that if I invite him and he says no, I just might lose his friendship, and I don’t want that to happen. What do you suggest I do? Please hurry with your reply.
— Anxious Annie,
Minneapolis
Dear Anxious Annie: Is it possible that this boy hasn’t asked you for a date because he is afraid that he might lose your friendship if the answer was no? Take the initiative and invite him to the “girl asks boy” school dance. The timing is perfect!
Dear Dr. Wallace: I’m 19 and smoke more than a pack of cigarettes a day. I’m also overweight. I want to quit smoking and lose my excess weight. But I’m afraid that if I try to quit smoking, I’ll gain more weight, and if I try to lose weight, I’ll be so nervous that I’ll smoke two packs of cigarettes a day. I also know it would be very difficult to quit smoking and lose weight at the same time. What do I do?
— Seeking to Improve,
Dear Seeking: I contacted a local chapter of the American Cancer Society and was informed that it would be better to concentrate on stopping your smoking habit first. This will take a lot of willpower. If you need a helping hand, stop by a Cancer Society office and ask for their excellent printed materials, which provide illuminating information about getting rid of a smoking habit. It’s free. You can also speak with others who have successfully overcome a smoking addiction so that you will know what to expect and what actions to take along your journey. Once you kick your smoking habit for good, move on and tackle your next goal. I admire you for both your desire to improve yourself and for reaching out and seeking advice regarding these topics. Keep it up!
'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' author: How and why I've rethought dating and purity culture
Admitting I was wrong about the biggest accomplishment of my life hasn’t always been easy, but it made me better at recognizing tribalism and dogma.
In 1997, when I was 21 years old, I wrote a Christian book on romance and relationships called “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.” Its basic premise was that the best way to avoid pre-marital sex was to stop dating altogether. Dating was a game — it hurt people and it was practice for divorce and a distraction from preparing for life. If you just trusted God, he would provide the right person at the right time. I remember praying at the time: “God let me write a book that will change the world.” I was young, zealous, certain, and restlessly ambitious.
Youth, zeal, certainty and ambition — not unlike the ingredients of a Molotov cocktail which have a tendency to set the world on fire. And that’s exactly what happened in my world of evangelical Christianity. My book went on to sell more than 1.2 million copies and be embraced by churches, families and thousands of single men and women. My ideas reshaped how many Christians practiced relationships and viewed sex. However, 20 years later, many of them look back with deep regret that they ever read it.
Through the twists and turns of life, two years ago I began a process of re-evaluating the book. This included inviting people to share their stories with me on my website, personal phone calls with readers, and an in-depth study of issues surrounding my book overseen by one of my graduate school professors. After listening to the stories and conducting a lengthy and sometimes painful process of re-evaluation, I reached the conclusion that the ideas in my book weren’t just naïve, they often caused harm. As a result, my publisher has agreed to my request to cease its publication.
I don’t have a formula for happily-ever-after
Now, as a dad to three teenagers, I think dating can be a healthy part of a person developing relationally and learning the qualities that matter most in a partner. I realize now that my book, in an effort to set a high standard, emphasized practices (like not dating or not kissing before marriage) and concepts (like “giving your heart away”) that are not in the Bible. In trying to warn people of the potential pitfalls of dating, instead it often instilled fear — fear of making mistakes or having their heart broken.
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The book also gave some the impression that a certain methodology of relationships would deliver a happily ever-after ending — a great marriage, and a great sex life — even though this is not promised by scripture.
I’ve the spent the last two years on what some have dismissively called an apology tour. Since inviting readers to share their stories, I’ve filmed a documentary that shows my journey of interacting with my critics and captured conversations with people who were reshaping my thinking. I’ve also done dozens of media interviews to try and spread the word about the flaws I now see in my ideas.
It’s too little and it’s too late, but I hope it will encourage important conversations that are bigger than my book — conversations about the consequences of heavy-handed attempts to control people’s sexuality, about what religious movements do when their well-intentioned practices cause harm, and about the purpose of admitting something was wrong when the damage has already been done.
Secular dogma is as bad as religious dogma
Admitting that I was wrong hasn’t been easy for me. I’ve angered people who still like my book, and my efforts are understandably viewed as inadequate by the people who were hurt. But I’m glad I set out on this journey because it’s been a pathway of transformation for me and I’ve heard from others who have found healing in knowing they’re not alone in reconsidering old ways of thinking.
For many years I participated in a very conservative church where I saw the mindset that you can only be accepted relationally if you think rightly and subscribe to our dogma. In recent years I’ve often seen that same mindset in liberal people both inside and outside the church — the dogma is different, but the tribalism and the “us/them” division and dismissiveness are the same.
I’ve changed my mind about my book, but my hope is that others will think for themselves. I’m trying to let go of the desire to control other people’s thoughts, and I want to accept, learn from, and love people who see the world radically differently than me.
Admitting I was wrong about the biggest accomplishment of my life has given me a greater willingness to admit that I don’t have all the answers. As hard as it’s been, this road has given me the space to listen to, enjoy, and love others in a new way. Whatever you might think about dating or my book, I hope you’ll think for yourself and be compassionate toward those whose experience has been different than yours.
Joshua Harris lives in Vancouver, British Columbia. He owns a marketing and brand strategy company called Clear & Loud. The documentary about his journey has been released by Exploration Films and can be watched free at www.joshharris.com. Follow him on Instagram @harrisjosh.
Read or Share this story: https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/voices/2018/11/23/christianity-kissed-dating-goodbye-relationships-sex-book-column/2071273002/
3 Signs Someone Wants Out of a Relationship
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For all the questions you won’t attempt to ask your group chat, we pulled in our lurve expert Logan Hill.
My S.O.’s persona on social media is way different than who they are IRL. Why do people do that, and should I be concerned?
Everyone fronts on social media, and I generally expect people to be twenty percent more obnoxious online than in person. Social media usually brings out someone’s inner show-off (#Swoll gym selfies), clown (retweet dumb jokes), or hottie (they’ll update profile pics just for the Likes). I wouldn’t sweat it—unless the posts bother you. As with locker-room talk, “It was just a tweet” is never an excuse for being chauvinistic, racist, or an asshole, so call them out on it.
I’ve been with my partner for more than a year, but lately something is off. What are the signs someone wants out?
If they’re acting like you’re not even in the room or they’re treating you with disrespect when they do notice you, that’s a big problem and a major hint something has shifted. But the truest sign they’re about to end things? When you ask them if they’re unhappy and they say yes. Rather than hunt or sniff around for clues, bluntly ask them: “Hey, what’s going on?”
12 Signs He’s Not The One
What’s something wild I can say to a dating-app match to get them to respond right away?
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It’s as easy as A-B-C-D: You could always go big with the Aggressive Ask (“Dancing. Downtown. In two hours. You in?”), the Bizarre Boast (“I can rap all of ‘Monster’ from memory. What can you do?”), the Crazy Confession (“I once stole 10 pounds of candy. What’s your last crime?”), or the Dastardly Dare (“I challenge you to the worst thing ever: first-date karaoke. What’s your go-to song?”). When in doubt, ask a question that demands more than a yes or no, and type whatever makes you laugh. Who knows? It might crack them up too.
My buddy wants me to set him up with one of my girlfriends, but the truth is, I don’t want that responsibility. How do I tell him that?
To most men, a successful setup is like a lottery win. You hear about it happening, but you don’t really expect it to ever happen to you. I’m sure your pal won’t be surprised if you simply tell him, “I’m game for giving you dating advice, but sorry, I never set people up.” If you want, you could offer to help him swipe on his dating app—that’s more fun anyway, and it won’t meddle with any of your friendships.
I wait to text back my crush depending on how long they took to answer me. Do other people do that too?
Yes, we make up just as many irrational and idiosyncratic dating rules in our heads too. Some people simply won’t text a someone first; others will hit you up and freak out if you don’t respond ASAP. Some get offended if you don’t reply the same day, while others will barely notice a silence. My number one dating rule: Don’t count on anything. There’s a chance you might find someone who lives by the same invisible texting rules as you do…but there’s also a chance they have a completely different code.
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Why do men love sitting on the toilet for so long?! I’ll never understand it….
This is one of the only remaining mysteries of my sex, and I must protect it with my life. If I tell you our secret, the other guys will kill me….Oh, what the hell! Here goes: Have you ever noticed that most guys, after they sit down anywhere, are unlikely to get up again very quickly? Well, that happens in the bathroom too. And sure, we get stuck staring at our phones or deep into space and dig the privacy in there…and sometimes, we do secretly jack off. But mostly? We’re just lazy. (Sorry, bros.)
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I just saw my friend’s bae with someone else! Do I confront them first or tell my friend?
If your friend’s boo is having an affair and you confront them, they’re probably going to lie about it. And when unfaithful people are caught, they often try to shift or share the blame. They will likely tell you it was all a big misunderstanding. If you believe them, it could put you in the ugly position of being their accomplice. Don’t help keep it a secret, even if they beg you (and I bet they will). Now, if you aren’t absolutely positive they were cheating, also tell your friend you aren’t sure what you saw. If you falsely accuse this person, your next double date is going to be highly uncomfortable.
