Category Archives: Relationships
Ask the Astro Poets: Are My Dating Standards Unrealistic?
Ask the Astro Poets is the monthly advice column by W‘s resident astrologers, Alex Dimitrov (Sagittarius) and Dorothea Lasky (Aries). At the halfway point of every month, they take a breather from writing poetry and horoscopes, and take your questions about love, career, even the big existential questions in life. From matchmaking and compatibility, to friendship, professional, and dating advice, the poets of the stars are here to guide you through any challenge:
Dear Astro Poets,
I’m a male Gemini with a Scorpio moon. I’ve been out of the dating game and am looking to get back in. I’m not into casual flings. I have a very long checklist for what I look for in a guy—intelligent, honest, quiet, etc. This not only makes me extremely intimidating, but limits my options. I feel as if I’m too picky. I came close to finding what I wanted with my last boyfriend (a Pisces) until he started contacting me only when he wanted to have sex. I don’t want that again. On the other hand, a lot of my other friends seem to have short affairs with no strings attached and no problems. Am I doing something wrong? Should I loosen up and get over myself, or will my fastidiousness pay off in the long run?
A Very Intense Gemini
Dear Very Intense Gemini,
That was intense. I can tell you know what you want by how declarative your sentences are. I’m glad you’ve moved past the Pisces, because that wouldn’t be the long-term match I see you needing. With Gemini and Scorpio in your chart, two of the most unpredictable and insatiable signs in the zodiac, someone who brings you emotional stability and is overall reliable, even in a boring way, would be good for you. Someone like a Taurus or a Capricorn. You’d never take a Virgo seriously because they come with too many arbitrary rules and Geminis have no time for that.
I think you can’t get over your fastidiousness even if you tried. I think that’s the good news. Your high standards and intensity will push a lot of people away from you, and probably the right people toward you. But this could take a long time. (Trust me, I know.) Since you’re a Gemini, I can see how you might dream about the possibility of having romantic flings, at least as a distraction. I hate to say this, but your Scorpio moon won’t allow it. That’s where your real desire to be known comes from—to be fully understood, constantly attended to, and worshipped. Nothing about your sun/moon combination is casual. I know Scorpios have a reputation for having many lovers, but while they’re with those lovers they’re anything but casual. They want to be fully consumed. And this is what your moon is constantly reminding you of.
What you don’t want to do is bore yourself with people. Geminis can get in trouble at times because they’ll go on a second, third, or even fourth date when they’re not exactly sure if they should, even when they more or less know they aren’t into it. Dates with Geminis are often more about them, and how they choose to perform and present themselves. This is why once they have an audience, they don’t like to give it up.
Try not to do that. Trust your very discerning and judgmental Scorpio moon. It may feel severe at times, but it also contains the immense passion (on the other side of judgment) which will make the right person fall in love with you. I always say this, but people who know what they want are intimidating to most everyone. They shouldn’t be, because those are the people who waste your time the least. But seeing someone who knows exactly how they want to live and won’t compromise really pushes people’s buttons. They wish they had the same conviction. You’re ahead in the long run. I know it can get lonely in the moment, but your Scorpio moon will guide you toward the real. Trust me.
Your equally discerning Sagittarius,
Alex
Dear Astro Poets,
I’m writing to you from a place of stubborn unwillingness (Leo sun, Aquarius moon) to confront my rising sign (Capricorn). I’m having trouble accepting the idea that this grave and workaholic-like temperament is the face I present to others. Dealing with the fact that I’m a Capricorn rising is so painful because it gets at all of my insecurities, like how I curl up into myself when meeting people for the first time—the layers of gauze I wrap myself in, the muffled screaming from my insides when I begin to realize hints of confusion or disinterest from people I’m trying to connect with. Thinking about it has been a trigger, taking me back to moments of discovering nasty gossip about me from people who perceive me as bitchy or rude.
I find myself wanting to move past my Capricorn—to find ways to suppress it being my first impression to others, whom I wish could see the Leo-Aquarius in me instead. Maybe it’s about recognizing what irks me most about myself. So, how can I accept how people perceive me when perceiving it in others drives me crazy? I feel like I’m getting to know myself for the first time. As a Leo still struggling to fit in, I need your advice—should I embrace my rising? Or try to move past it? Yours truly,
Leo-Aquarius but Capricorn Masked
Dear Fabulous Leo,
First of all, we love you. The question you ask is important and so crucial to a deeper understanding of astrology. As you know, even though people associate astrology with just the 12 sun signs, there’s more to each person than each alone. Indeed, this misunderstanding can often be why people distrust the validity of astrology; they’ll look at a horoscope and read for their own sign, and get upset when it doesn’t match their experience perfectly. But as we know, rising signs are important. (Some astrologers in fact ask you to consult your rising sign when you read your horoscope, but that’s another story.)
They’re important, but they aren’t everything. And your struggles are real, but I want to put them a bit in perspective, because a rising sign should not feel like it’s trapping you. You can think of a rising sign like a filter on your personality; a social mask, as it were, or a stage for people to get through when they get to know you. However, it in no way defines you, in the way that your sun sign does. You are a Leo! And I feel your fire from here.
Perhaps you see the ways your Capricorn rising has created a distance between yourself and others, but I wonder if that’s really your Leo at work, and also perhaps your Aquarius moon. A Leo can be very standoffish until they realize who their friends are. And an Aquarius can end up creating as much distance between themselves and the outside world as possible—until they’ve decided to be obsessed with something or someone. People could also be feeling these energies when they meet you.
Capricorn energy sometimes has a reputation of being aloof or a workaholic. But think of the Capricorns you know and consider if they’re really that way. They’re sometimes not serious at all, telling jokes from the second you meet them (usually at the expense of everyone else’s feelings). Capricorns are boisterous and have enormous personalities. They change the world around them constantly (think Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Dolly Parton). I bet that people see this strength in you from the moment they meet you, and that it makes them want to know you better.
All this to say, I feel you. It’s normal to feel frustrated about your rising when it feels deeply different from who you want to be, or who you feel you are. I have Sagittarius rising and while it can attract people and create fun atmospheres when I go places, I often get upset that it creates a barrier to people getting to know the real me. And the real me—Scorpio moon—is nothing like the Sagittarius party animal people see at first. These tensions are real, but their complications make life magical and true.
So, know this: all of our sides are beautiful! You are beautiful, and I am sending good luck to your fierce Capricorn armor, your superior Leo costume, and your wild Aquarius heart.
Love,
Dorothea
Related: Ask the Astro Poets: Can I Make a Sex Schedule With All My Partners?
COMMENT: I'm dating an investment banker and I need some advice – eFinancialCareers
I’m writing here to ask for help from people working in the investment banking industry. I’m a 25 year-old guy and I’ve been dating a 23 year-old female investment banker for the past six months. She’s a junior in the M&A division of one of the top banks in NY, and I just don’t understand how to read her.
We’ve had plenty of dates and have done all the usual stuff – meals in restaurants, cinemas, walked in Central Park, hung out in Brooklyn Botanic Garden. It seems to be going well, but I can’t help feel she’s holding back on me.
I know that banking jobs are demanding. I totally get that it’s hard for her to have a relationship with someone who isn’t in finance, but I can’t help feeling that she uses her job as an excuse, and because of this I’m not really sure where I stand. For example, she almost never initiates contact with me and I’m always the one who has to suggest a date. Then, when we go on dates she sometimes falls asleep (yes!) and asks to go back home early.
I’m finding it all very hard to deal with. I only get to see her at weekends, and then we can’t arrange anything in advance. Often she tags along with whatever I want to do – it’s like she wants me to be dominant all the time because she’s so exhausted from being dominant at work and doesn’t have any energy left.
If you’re reading this article on this site, I’m guessing that you work in banking yourself. Can you give me some advice on how to handle this going forward? How can I tell where I stand? If she becomes quiet and distant, am I supposed to just take it? How do I know whether she’s having a crazy week, or just withdrawing? How much of this is her and how much is her job?
I’d appreciate it if you could leave your advice as comments at the bottom of this article. Thank you.
Lawrence Dale is the pseudonym of a frustrated banking boyfriend
Have a confidential story, tip, or comment you’d like to share? Contact: sbutcher@efinancialcareers.com in the first instance. Whatsapp/Signal/Telegram also available.
Bear with us if you leave a comment at the bottom of this article: all our comments are moderated by human beings. Sometimes these humans might be asleep, or away from their desks, so it may take a while for your comment to appear. Eventually it will – unless it’s offensive or libelous (in which case it won’t.)
Escape to New York: Making the most of Manhattan is a doddle – Independent.ie
An autumn getaway to New York is practically a rite of passage for couples in love.
However, romance was far from the agenda for my husband and I when we hit Manhattan in early October. We may have held hands on the plane but we were also each plugged into separate forms of entertainment as is the way with all heavily married couples.
When you’re young and in love, you hit Manhattan with notions of staring in a romcom-style mini-break complete with carriage rides in Central Park, Meg Ryan-type meet cutes, culminating in an epic proposal story that’ll keep you in dinner party anecdotes long after the passion and interest in each other runs dry.
When you’re past the honeymoon phase, a trip to the City That Never Sleeps evolves into a completely different prospect. For starters, you’ve likely spent a good chunk of your firstborn’s college fund on flights and used up every favour in the Family Favour Bank to leave your spawn in the care of someone else, therefore it is imperative that you make the most of your trip.
Making the most of any trip can fast become a bit of a tyranny, but making the most of New York is a doddle. Just stroll down any street and there’s something fab. It’s like New York has seen itself in the movies and is determined to live up to its celluloid portraits. At every turn, there’s an obliging streetscape offering up Art Deco skyscrapers, yellow cabs and cinematic mist rising through sidewalk grates.
As it was my husband’s first trip, we decided to do the classic New York experience, ticking all the crowd-pleasing boxes you can think of: Top Of The Rock, Statue of Liberty and Times Square…
Basing ourselves in Fitzpatrick’s Hotel in Midtown, just five minutes from Central Park, we were perfectly located to explore the island on foot. The hotel is a legendary institution, one that has hosted every Irish celeb you can think of; their portraits are displayed in the inviting reception area. The staff are endlessly helpful, pointing us in the right direction and nabbing us cabs whenever we had that helpless tourist look, while the room was a haven at the end of each day spent pounding the pavements.
Our first day kicked of with a quintessential New York breakfast at Viand on Madison Avenue. The train carriage-style diner is tiny – but the menu and the portions are enormous.
You can easily imagine Nora Ephron doling out dating advice to her girlfriends over stacks of pancakes, gallons of maple syrup and eggs over easy in the snug booths.
Eager to walk off our first American breakfast, we struck out for the Guggenheim, drinking in the stunning buildings overlooking the Park on the Upper East Side.
The Guggenheim, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, still holds one’s attention even in the cacophony of the surrounding city. Its cylindrical shape is reminiscent of a nautilus and inside, a vast atrium houses a spiralling ramp allowing exhibitions to be displayed in a continuous and cohesive manner. The audio tour of the building is full of vivid anecdotes about the space – from the protests at its unveiling in 1959 to the many inventive ways artists have engaged with the space since.
After the Guggenheim, we wandered through the lavish rooms of the Met Museum to check out the divine costumes displayed as part of the Heavenly Bodies exhibition. From there we strolled across the park, studiously avoiding lovers strolling arm-in-arm as we power-walked under trees bursting into glorious golds and reds – no time for postcard-perfect NYC-style romance, we had a tight schedule of making-the-most-of-it to adhere to.
Over on Central Park West, we visited the famous Dakota building formerly home to John Lennon and the scene of his murder in 1980. Other famous former residents include Lauren Bacall, Judy Garland and Boris Karloff.
A few blocks south, we found heaven in Parm, a casual neighbourhood eatery serving up all the Italian-American classics beloved by Tony and his cronies in The Sopranos. Finally, I got to sample the mythical “chicken pawwwwm” as Carmella always called it and my god, it was good. A plate the size of the table arrived featuring spicy pasta, crumbed chicken under a wedge of melted mozzarella and rich gravy (what we’d call tomato sauce).
Sufficiently stuffed, we hit the trail once more, this time heading down to frenetic Times Square, ticking yet another iconic landmark off the list and picking up some cut-price Broadway tickets at the TKTS ticket booths while we were at it. Taking in a Broadway show has to be the most New York New York activity of them all – and our vagabond shoes were longing to stray into Hamilton or one of the other hits on show.
We got a tip about the brand new musical wowing everyone this year. Head Over Heals is a boisterous re-telling of a 16th Century romance, which has been given a thoroughly inclusive update and set to the hits of Eighties all-female rock group the Go-Gos. It was funny, flirty and full of positivity.
Even better, it also afforded us our mandatory star-spotting experience in the shape of movie director John Waters (Hairspray, Pink Flamingos) in the audience.
The next morning we rose early and struck out for the Lower East Side with a serious mission in mind: to land a table in the cult favourite Prune.
The chef-owner of this low-key cafe, Gabrielle Hamilton, wrote a brilliant memoir a few years back called Blood, Bones & Butter which I devoured in one-sitting.
After feasting on her words, I wanted to feast on her food. Reservations for dinner are difficult to secure but on the weekends, you can queue for brunch and sample the smart dishes that go above and beyond the usual fare. We devoured the decadent Monte Christo sandwich, a riff on a Croque Monsieur, and a delicious Dutch pancake.
We then ambled further south through Chinatown with its vibrant stalls and raucous fish vendors with live fish on offer, past the sombre but stunning memorial to 9/11, two cascading square waterfalls occupying the footprints of the old World Trade Centres, and on down to Battery Park to catch the boat to Ellis Island.
The trip to Ellis Island incorporates a stop at the Statue of Liberty and is an absolute must. The museum on Ellis island takes visitors back over 100 years to when the island was a busy immigrant inspection station, processing 12m people in about 60 years. Displays of possessions brought by families from their homeland, accounts from people who remember arriving on the island, in some cases meeting fathers they’d never seen before, all bring the fascinating stories to life.
From one fascinating place to another, that night, after a bite to eat on the High Line – an elevated park on the old New York central railway – we checked into the fictional McKittrick Hotel in Chelsea for a performance of the famous site-specific experiential theatre show Sleep No More, based in part on Shakespeare’s Macbeth.
What followed was a truly unforgettable night. Upon arrival in the former warehouse, we were separated, given masks and little else by way of explanation.
From there we were plunged into an individual adventure spanning five floors comprising everything from an antiquated asylum, a forest and an enormous cemetery while actors danced and played out multiple narratives around us. In short, it’s a trip.
After only just coming back down to earth from Sleep No More, the next day we were on a high once more – first at the top of the Rockefeller Building to take in the incredible views over the city and then we shot over to see the Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum where we toured a submarine and saw the first space shuttle, Enterprise.
Our return to sea level was sadly brief, as it was time to pack up and board the plane and bid farewell to the city so nice they named it twice.
Until next time, at least.
Take two: top attractions
CityPASS is a must
We used the official CityPASS (citypass.com/new-york) to gain entry to six of the most iconic attractions in the city. There’s also great ideas, including shopping, dining and sightseeing at nycgo.com
Hipster heaven
A trip to Brooklyn on the weekend offers a great change of pace. Wander through the outdoor food market, Smorgasburg — dubbed the “Woodstock of eating”, and sample all the latest hipster foodie trends… like the spaghetti doughnut
Getting there
Fitzpatrick’s Manhattan
* Sophie stayed at the four-star Fitzpatrick Manhattan Hotel, 687 Lexington Avenue, New York. Located in the heart of New York City, the hotel is a short walk from Times Square, Central Park, Bloomingdale’s, and all of the world-class shopping found on Fifth Avenue.
* The Fitzpatrick Manhattan has 92 rooms and suites that were completely refurbished this year, featuring all new furniture and carpeting. See their new images at www.fitzpatrickhotels.com.
The Fitzpatrick Grand Central
* Exclusive OFFER Sunday Independent readers booking a stay at either the Fitzpatrick Grand Central or Fitzpatrick Manhattan Hotels, will get 10pc off the daily “Best Available Rate” for stays between January 2 and March 3, 2019 by using the special promo code SUNIND when booking on the hotel website: www.fitzpatrickhotels.com
NB: This article originally appeared in The Sunday Independent.
Read more:
The New York Bucket List: 25 things to do in the Big Apple before you die!
Sunday Indo Living
Michelle Obama's Advice To Young People In Her New Book 'Becoming' – Forbes
Michelle Obama (Charles Sykes/Invision/AP)
It’s easy to be in awe of Michelle Obama. For years, Obama has preached how accomplishments are the foundation of confidence, and listening to her, so poised, so gracious, so confident, it’s hard to imagine she’s ever failed, been hurt or blundered in any meaningful way. In her new book, Becoming, the former first lady takes the opportunity to correct us, and recounts her life from the beginning: growing up on Euclid Ave on the South Side of Chicago, her journey to Princeton, to Harvard Law School, becoming a high powered attorney, marrying Barack Obama, raising her two daughters while working full time, transitioning careers, becoming a political spouse when she hated politics and her journey all the way to the White House. It’s inspiring, it’s raw and reassuring as she explains that she indeed has failed, often experiences self-doubt and has been hurt by things the media and other people have said. But she kept moving forward, kept doing excellent work and let her accomplishments speak for themselves.
The former first lady relished meeting with young people, especially young girls, and writes that it was one of her favorite parts of the role. In her final address as first lady, Obama said, “I want our young people to know that they matter, that they belong, so don’t be afraid. You hear me? Young people, don’t be afraid. Be focused, be determined, be hopeful, be empowered,” while speaking at an event honoring the 2017 School Counselor of the Year. “Lead by example with hope, never fear, and know that I will be with you, rooting for you and working to support you for the rest of my life.” Obama’s book builds on this promise, leaving messages and advice for young people strewn through her book, especially when recounting certain milestones or particularly difficult moments. By discussing her own humanity, her failures, her doubts and the times she’s been hurt and marginalized is to help empower young people, and show them that they too can accomplish great things in spite of their obstacles, and show them that education, resolve and hard work can change the course of your life. Here are several pieces of wisdom Obama imparts to young people in, Becoming.
Failure Is Temporary
After grinding through Princeton then Harvard Law School, Obama prepared to take the bar, and the results were not what she expected. “I had never failed a test in my entire life… But I’d blown it with the bar. I was ashamed, sure I’d let down every person who’d ever taught, encouraged, or employed me. I wasn’t used to blundering.” Obama was embarrassed, but didn’t let her shame or her pride prevent her from dusting herself off and getting back to work.” Later that fall, I buckled down and studied for a do-over test, going on to pass it handily. In the end, aside from issues of pride, my screw up would make no difference at all.” Everyone fails. It’s how you address failure that determines the accomplishments and successes in your life.
You Are Not Someone Else’s Opinion Of You
Obama admitted that when she was younger she was a people pleaser, and she cared what other people thought. Over time she began to measure her self-worth in terms of standard and achievement, but still believed if she “worked diligently and honestly” she would be recognized for who she is and avoided by bullies. She was very wrong. During the 2008 campaign, republicans edited one of her campaign speeches and took a remark out of context, labeling her as “angry” and “other.” They also twisted and contorted the meaning of her Princeton senior thesis as racist against white people. “I was exhausted by the meanness, thrown by how personal it had become, and feeling, too, as if there were no way I could quit…I’m telling you, this stuff hurt.” Obama realized whether she said something perfectly, or was open and honest with her intentions, people were going to find ways to disapprove of her. So focus on doing good work and liking who you are, because people will dislike you regardless.
Define Things For Yourself
Obama came into the role of first lady not sure what form the role would take with her in it. She looked to Hillary Clinton’s example, and learned that attempting to get involved in her husband’s administration would impede any goals they were trying to accomplish, but wanted to do meaningful work, but wanted to take the role in a direction she hadn’t seen before. She knew it would take a lot of work, and she would likely get some pushback, but she wanted to make her time as first lady substantive and meaningful. “I knew what mattered to me. I didn’t want to be some sort of well-dressed ornament who showed up at parties and ribbon cuttings. I wanted to do things that were purposeful and lasting.”
Seek Formal Mentoring/Formal Mentoring Needs To Diversify
Obama started a program at the White House that mentored young high school girls in the area, in large part because of impact her mentors made in her life and career. “I knew from my own life experience that when someone shows genuine interest in your learning and development, even if only for ten minutes in a busy day, it matters. It matters especially for women, for minorities, for anyone society is quick to overlook.”
A Better World Begins In Your Mind
During the last year of her husband’s presidency, the former first lady began to take stock of their time in the White House, “tallying the gains and losses” she writes, and the sacrifices for the progress made- for the country and her family. She found herself so far away from the future she envisioned for herself when she was younger, and wondered when her life pivoted. She then remembered sitting in a church basement on the Far South Side of Chicago with her future husband, who she had only been dating for a couple of months, while he was talking to a neighborhood group that was grappling with hopelessness and indifference. Obama writes that her family struggled with those feelings, as did her whole neighborhood, and that this is a mindset many marginalized people identify with. “You got somewhere by building that better reality, if at first only in your own mind. Or as Barack had put it that night, you may live in the world as it is, but you can still work to create the world as it should be.” The Obamas wanted to play a role in helping build a better, more inclusive country, and it all started with ideas and conversations.
Growth Is Not A Destination
Obama concludes her book by writing that “becoming” your best self never ends, you just take it one step at a time. “For me, becoming isn’t about arriving somewhere or achieving a certain aim. I see it instead as forward motion, a means of evolving, a way to reach continuously toward a better self . . . It’s all a process, steps along a path. Becoming requires equal parts patience and rigor. Becoming is never giving up on the idea that there’s more growing to be done.”
