Category Archives: Relationships
Want to break up? Some people just can't take a hint
Dear Amy: A few months ago, I started casually dating “Robert.” We first met online.
Robert told me from the beginning that he had a very strict diet, didn’t drink alcohol and paid close attention to ingredients in products that he used. I thought he was just an extremely healthy guy.
Robert recently told me that he has a degenerative disease, which will cause issues with his motor functions, speech and vision. He thinks that he has another three or four years left of being able to fully care for himself, before he can’t do things like drive, or even walk. His condition is genetic, and he’d likely pass it down to any children he may have.
Robert is a sweet guy with a big heart, but we’ve only dated for about four months, and I don’t know if I want to sign up for years of being someone’s caregiver.
I’m only 31, and I want to experience everything life has in store for me, including children.
I decided to end it with Robert. I started to pull back, and tried to make it obvious that I was losing interest. He apparently didn’t notice the signs, so I told him that I felt it was better if we just remained friends.
Amy, it’s like he didn’t even register what I said! He stills calls and texts daily, talks about how much he likes me, and about going on vacation together and meeting his family.
I don’t feel right ghosting him, so I respond to him, but I try not to make plans with him.
Amy, I really think he’s looking for someone to take care of him. I don’t want to hurt him or be cruel, but how do I make a clean break?
– Unsure
Dear Unsure: From your reporting, “Robert” has been very candid and upfront with you. He has actually said the words – out loud – that give you a pretty complete understanding of who he is and what he is dealing with.
You have every right to break up with him – and I agree with you that you should. You obviously have no intention of staying with him, so don’t you think he deserves to hear the truth from you?
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Hinting, pulling back, avoiding, saying, “Hey, let’s remain friends” isn’t working with him. Because when you say, “Let’s remain friends,” he believes you are being honest (you are not), and he thinks, “Great! We’re friends now, and so yes, let’s remain friends!” Stop wasting his time.
Tell him, “I’m breaking up with you. I appreciate your honesty, but I find your health challenges overwhelming. You are a great guy, and I hope you will find the right person to be with, but I’m not that person.”
Dear Amy: My dad’s wife (not my stepmother), whom he married when I was in my 20s, has always hated me. Amy, she hated me from Day One.
I figured her animosity toward me is because I am a reminder to her that he had a life before her. She is also only 10 years older than I am.
Her latest attempt to mess up my life is to try and seduce my boyfriend.
What should I do?
We all live together and both of them work from home.
– Sick and Tired
Dear Sick and Tired: Move out.
Your father is an adult; he has made a choice that seems hostile toward you, because he has brought a disrupter into your life (and into his household).
But – guess what? It’s his life, and (I’m assuming) his house.
You are at least well into your 20s. The beauty of adulthood is that – just as your father has done – you, too, can change your life by making concrete choices about where (and with whom) you will live.
Move out.
Dear Amy: “MeToo!” wanted to reply to a “happy birthday” email she received from a doctor – a man who sexually abused her years ago when she was a teenager. Thank you for giving her the words to say in her reply to him.
This line especially stood out: “Mainly, I want you to know that even though you victimized me at a young age, your sexually aggressive and criminal behavior toward me does not define me, but for me it will always define you.”
Wow!
– Grateful
Dear Grateful: I come from a long line of pithy note-writers, with a special shout-out here to my late mother, Jane, who was a one-liner wrecking ball.
You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.
Read or Share this story: https://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2018/11/15/dating-relationship-advice/1856707002/
Camila Cabello opens up on her relationship with British dating expert
Camila Cabello has opened up on her relationship with British dating expert Matthew Hussey and said: “He makes me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.”
The Cuban-American singer, 21, has reportedly been dating Essex-born Hussey, 31, since February.
He is known for his books on dating and often appears on US television to give relationship advice. The couple met on the set of Today.
Speaking to Marie Claire magazine, Cabello admitted she is “in love” with Hussey and said she gets butterflies when he watches her perform.
Cuban-American popstar Camila Cabello found fame as part of girl group Fifth Harmony (PA)
She said: “Any time he’s there, I get super nervous. I stutter or my hands are shaky.
“He’s so similar to me. In person, we’re just weird and silly and stupid together. He makes me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.”
Cabello found fame after appearing on the US version of X Factor as part of girl group Fifth Harmony in 2012.
She decided to go solo in December 2016 and has achieved worldwide success with hits including Never Be The Same and Havana.
Cabello, who won both artist of the year and video of the year at the MTV Video Music Awards in August, said her on-stage persona is different to who she is everyday.
She said: “Basically, there’s the me that I really am, on the inside, which is the nerdy one – the kind of introverted, shy one – and then there’s the sexy, overly confident one, doing great dance moves and being super sassy.”
Press Association
'Why I stopped 'stalking' my Tinder dates'
We’ve all done it.
You know what I’m talking about: Spent whole hours sprawled across your couch as you make your way back through someone’s tagged posts on Instagram or Facebook uploads. You scroll and you scroll, the moon waxing and waning through your window until you reach the last image, an over-saturated digital camera snap from an underage disco to which they have definitely smuggled alcohol in a water bottle.
As you pick your way through the detritus of their life – check-ins at nightclubs, all the exhausting holiday uploads, sweet birthday messages from grandparents all in capital letters – you feel like you know this person. You feel like you understand them. You feel like you have a true sense of the fabric of their life.
Which all means that when you finally end up on a date with them (this online stalking invariably comes before a date), you are measuring the real-life grit of this person with the online persona you have come to know so well. You already know about that time they ran the Gold Coast marathon in 2014. You know about the skiing trip to New Zealand in 2011. You know about all their exes. You’ve seen the pictures of every regrettable haircut.
“I insta-stalk a potential date literally every single time,” Rochelle, 28, says. “Honestly I cannot help it. I do financial diligence for a living and this is not dissimilar, whether investing your money or your precious time you want as much information available to you as possible to help you make an informed decision… Straight to the tagged photos, am I right?”
Okay, so maybe your version of raking through your Bumble matches’ social media footprint isn’t as thorough as Rochelle’s or mine, but it’s safe to say that you’ve probably googled and Facebook or Instagram-stalked someone before.
There’s a point to all this scrolling, of course. Looking at someone’s backstory gives us a sense of security about the person we are meeting. It gives us context, but it also makes us feel safe. But there’s a downside, too. How can anyone possibly live up to the picture you craft in your head after poring over their online presence? Once you’ve Insta-stalked someone, you arrive at the date with a preconceived notion of who they are based on their social media presence, which can nip a potential romance right in the bud.
“It’s important to at least have a chance to get to know a potential partner rather than making assumptions about them based on what you can see online,” relationship psychotherapist Kate Moyle explains.
“There is often a gap between the selfs we show of ourselves online and the realistic versions, and not only does it potentially create false expectations about a person, which can give us feelings of disappointment without even offering a partner a chance, there is [also] so much more to a person than their appearance or front. By viewing them on a screen we see them in 2D, and both people and attraction come in 3D, and attraction is something that happens between people.” Not between Instagram accounts, Moyle is saying.
I experienced this firsthand recently when I went on a date with someone whom I met – shockingly – in real life. We met through mutual friends at a dinner party, which makes us sound like a couple of grownups, and made plans to reconnect a few weeks later. In the intervening weeks I managed to steer clear of social media, but as the plans for our date began to take shape I couldn’t help myself. I plugged his name into Facebook, and then Instagram, and then, finally, out of sheer desperation, Twitter.
Nothing. Nada. I could find hardly anything about him online, no prime, juicy bit of information pertaining to Facebook groups he has joined, events he checked into or pictures taken at charity football games. Nothing.
It was strange. I had never been out with someone whose life was a completely mystery, at least online, anyway. I came of age in the era of Myspace and LiveJournals: I’ve lived my adolescence and then my 20s out in glorious technicolour online and everyone I’ve ever dated has been the same.
This is going to sound ridiculous to anyone who dated before the onset of the internet, but all this not-knowing was exciting. Yes, I was a little nervous before the date, but when we finally started talking and telling the much-told story of ourselves it felt like unearthing buried treasure. I forgot how much fun it could be to hear someone tell the story of the time they muddled their way through a marathon, or when they face-planted while skiing in New Zealand, or the terrible haircut they had when they were backpacking through South America. I forgot how much fun it could be to learn about someone from them, and not through all the half-truths we tell about ourselves on social media.
“I’ve been on two unstalkable dates,” Rochelle agrees, “and it really was fun finding out about someone when you know nothing about them. In one instance, it was way more impressive than I could ever have imagined. A good surprise! The other turned out to be deeply into hiking, self-improvement and life-coaching which would have gotten him dinged immediately. I like sleep and Netflix too much to date this guy.”
Yes, there were things I learned on my date that, had I known about them from social media beforehand I might not have wanted to see this guy again. Like his taste in music, for example, which is, in one word, regrettable.
But this is such small fry in the grand scheme of things, just one bit of information that, when stitched together with all the other little bits of information, make up this man. I’m still learning about him and about his life. There are good things and bad things, terrible jokes and great dinners. The point is that without social media to colour the picture, we’re taking our time and we’re doing it on our own. And we’re having such fun doing it, too.
Read more stories like this: The one piece of advice all single women need to hear and Signs you might be dating a narcissist .
Crowdsourced: A new video advice column — but you're giving the advice
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By Anna Brand
We’re trying a new video advice series around everyday dilemmas: friendship, grieving, dating, awkward situations in general, and more. But instead of your typical advice column, we want you to ask the questions and answer them. Hear directly from people around the country who are going through the same thing you are.
So, here’s the first question:
How do you break up with a friend? Someone you used to hang out with, but no longer want in your circle. What have you done that works? Or what did you try that totally went wrong?
Send your advice as a video message to crowdsourced@nbcuni.com or share your thoughts as a written message in the form below.
