Relationships Talk

I, along with 6.8 million American adults, have generalized anxiety disorder, and it’s not going away anytime soon—in fact, I imagine it’ll always be part of who I am. I take medication for it, and while some days I feel in control, on other days it controls me. Since it’s something I personally struggle to deal with, finding a supportive significant other is especially tough.

I spent the last few years of my life in a relationship with someone who never fully supported that part of me the way I needed. And in retrospect, this was totally fair; I didn’t communicate effectively. It’s hard for me to articulate how a partner can best be there for me, so of course it’s hard for them to actually do it. Being a mindreader is obviously not a prerequisite for being a great partner.

Thankfully, two accredited mental-health pros (who apparently moonlight as relationship superheroes) have come to the rescue with a checklist of ways to support an S.O. who struggles with anxiety.

Check out 4 must-know tips for supporting a partner with anxiety.

Photo: Getty Images/Ned Frisk

1. Do the research

First, give into to your cravings, and log online. “Do the thing we all love to do: Google,” says licensed mental health counselor Jessica Feldman, services director of New York City’s National Alliance on Mental Mental Illness chapter. Researching your partner’s condition is a great way to ensure you can empathize and provide worthwhile support to an often-confusing condition.

Licensed therapist Dawn Wiggins adds that on the information-gathering front, attending your partner’s therapy sessions can provide some super-valuable insight about the specific case of anxiety and how to handle heightened instances of it or panic attacks. “There needs to be a willingness to be an accepting partner, to support and encourage them like you would if it were any other medical condition,” Wiggins says.

2. Know you can’t cure it

When I’m mid-anxiety attack, the last thing I want to hear is “you’re going to be okay” or “just calm down.” Yet, this is such a common response since. As Wiggins says, “people have tendencies to want to minimize, not encourage, the full expression of the anxiety.” Even if their unsolicited suggestions stem from an honest-to-goodness intention to be helpful, in effect, such couldn’t be farther from the truth. 

So when your partner is experiencing a bout of anxiety, let them know that you’re here for them, and you will help them get them whatever care they need.

3. Don’t—for lack of a better term—mansplain their anxiety to them

It’s often the case that anxiety triggers are anything but rational. So, you reiterating that reality by sharing what should or shouldn’t make someone anxious is simply not a way to stoke a productive dialogue—rather, it’s just a way to instill a sense of shame. “They may think that they’re helping, but what it says to the other person is that there’s something wrong with them,” Wiggins says.

4. Help in a way that is legit helpful

Ask how you can help, and then follow through. It’s possible you might be asked for support in a way that doesn’t make sense to you. But in lieu of supplying what you think your boo needs, support, emotionally, how they ask.

Furthermore, have a plan in place before anxiety attack hits, so you can essentially play offense. Wiggins recommends creating a Google Doc full of tips and tricks that the person with anxiety has learned works for them. “That way, all the info is there, wherever you are, and it’s easily accessible and shareable between the two of you,” she says.

And if your S.O. experiences a panic attack—which 2 to 3 percent of Americans experience every year—Feldman says to sit at the same level as them and speak calmly. “When somebody is having a panic attack, there’s all kinds of things going on in their body. They have shortness of breath, sweating, they aren’t thinking straight. There might be speaking very quickly. The heart feels like it’s going to jump out of their skin.” Remind them that panic attacks only last for a few minutes, and even though it feels like it will never end, it will actually be over soon.

And most importantly, always act with empathy—not sympathy. Try to understand your partner’s journey, because a great way to not be helpful at all is to simply feel badly for them. You may never fully understand a partner’s anxiety, but it’s certainly possible to recognize that you can be helpful and loving.

Anxiety isn’t a weakness—here are several ways you can flip the script on how you see your mental illness. And can the trendy keto diet help alleviate anxiety? We investigate. 

Jenny from the flock

I hit it off with this guy I met on Match.com. We’ve been dating for a month and slept together twice. He said he’d delete his Match profile because things were going so well, so I deleted mine. Recently, a mutual friend told me he’d just gone on Tinder. I’m super upset, and though we didn’t have the exclusivity talk, it seemed implied.

— Dumbfounded

OK, so it seems he didn’t quite get around to mailing out the formal invitations to the funeral for his freedom.

Now, the guy may be an out-and-out lying cad, cooing commitment-y things to you that he never intended to follow through on. However, it’s also possible that he was legit enthusiastic in that moment when he offered to delete Match — confusing the buzzy high of a love thing that’s brand-new with a love thing that’s really right.

Neuroscientist Wolfram Schultz discovered that things that are new to us — people, relationships, pleasure-producing substances — activate our brain’s reward circuitry and its chemical messenger boy, dopamine, in a way things we’re used to do not. (That very first bite of chocolate cake is always the tastiest, most chocogasmic.)

In fact, Schultz’s research suggests that “novel rewards” may be two to three times more dopamine-elevating than delishy stuff we’ve previously experienced. Basically, once we’ve tried something, even if we really, really enjoyed it the first time (hot diggity!), it becomes less motivating to us (kinda lukewarm diggity).

This motivational downshift comes out of how dopamine neurons are, in a sense, fortuneteller cells; they predict how rewarding things or situations will be. Dopamine, contrary to what countless books and articles contend, is not a “pleasure chemical.” It does not generate a heroin rush-type euphoria. It’s stimulating. It drives wanting and seeking, motivating us to explore new stuff that might enhance our ability to pass on our genes.

After dopamine calculates the difference between the initial high a thing gave us when it was new and its current level of more meh rewardingness, it can push us to go out and chase the initial high — seek some new provider, and then another and another: “Sure, I could have a stable adult relationship — or I could continue my groundbreaking research into The Tramp Stamps Of Tinder.”

This is not an excuse for this guy’s lack of forthcomingness but a possible explanation for why he said he’d delete Match but then signed right up for Tinder. It’s also possible the powerful human fear of regret is at play. Going exclusive with you would mean waving bye-bye to the rest of womankind. It’s possible that he and his penis feel the need for a second opinion.

The problem from your end is that your wanting to go exclusive with him is the dating version of the impulse purchase. A month in, you don’t have enough information to judge his character, see whether he’s boyfriend-grade, and see whether there’s, uh, brand loyalty. You should be just starting to see who he is and reserving judgment — much as you’d like to believe that he’s a wild dude seeking domestication, kind of like a lion knocking on the door of the zoo: “Got any vacancies, chief?”

Girl loves oy

I’m a woman who wants a serious relationship, and a happily married friend is urging me to go on Jdate. I’m not Jewish and not interested in converting. Wouldn’t people be mad I’m on there?

— Husband-Seeking

Men on FarmersOnly would be understandably annoyed if I posted a profile there, as my idea of farming is keeping a houseplant alive for more than a year.

But this site is called Jdate, not JewsOnly. Sure, some will be annoyed to find a nice non-Jewish girl like you there, but there are others — like atheists from Jewish backgrounds and not-very-observant Jews — who might not find it a deal breaker. Uh, that is, until they register the reality of inviting mom, dad and bubbe over for Christmakkah.

Cognitive neuroscientist Michael Gazzaniga estimates that 98 percent of our brain’s activity is subconscious — including some of our decision-making. A man seeking a relationship can have his short-term mating standards triggered without his knowing it while going through women’s profiles online. Not exactly surprisingly, evolutionary psychologists David Buss and David Schmitt find men in short-term mode are prone to lowering the bar on “their mate preference standards … across an array of mate qualities, including personality, intelligence and even attractiveness.”

Religion is surely one of these. Recognize this risk from being on Jdate as a non-J. If you do end up dating a Jewish guy, do your best, as early as possible, to suss out whether questions like “But what religion will the children be?” would lead to his ultimately following the advice of poet Dylan, uh, Thomasenstein: “Do not go gentile into that good night.”

(c)2018, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com. @amyalkon on Twitter. Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon

Order Amy Alkon’s new book, Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence, (St. Martin’s Griffin, 2018)

FINDING the one seems to be hard for anyone, but for people living in the region, it seems they’re taking a more personal and honest approach to dating.

For prospective entrants of The Observer‘s Gladdy Love Match competition, that attitude will come in handy.

Gladstone love guru Mitchell McAulay-Powell said “be yourself” when applying for Gladdy Love Match.

“You don’t have to have a dramatic story, you don’t have to live in a crazy life,” Mr McAulay-Powell said.

“It’s really about being honest and actually sharing stuff that people might find interesting.”

He has advice for prospective Gladstone bachelors who are looking to enter Gladdy Love Match.

“With the guys – we have a big population of guys who are cheeky,” Mr McAulay-Powell said.

“They have to make a choice.

“It’s all well and good to be a larrakin but are you going to be the funny guy, or are you going to be that person that sits down and actually has a serious conversation.”

He wants prospective bachelorettes to put themselves out there for the competition.

“The ladies in Gladstone are absolutely fantastic,” Mr McAulay-Powell said.

“There are so many single ladies out there, they actually want to connect with people.”

Singles in Gladstone are also doing away with dating phone apps like Tinder, preferring in-person connections.

Entries for the Gladdy Love Match close this Friday, October 19.

Remain Open-Minded