Category Archives: Relationships
Amy Dickinson: Ex-boyfriend becomes current-colleague
Dear Amy: I’ve worked at a medium-sized company for 13 years.
I attended an office lunch for new employees last week, and was totally shocked to see my ex-boyfriend, “Kieran,” among them! He had accepted a job and started at the company the week before.
We acknowledged each other at the lunch, but I was so shocked that I didn’t say much to him, and left as soon as I could.
We dated for almost two years, and called it quits about three years ago. At the time, I’d caught him lying about where he was and what he was doing. I didn’t trust him anymore, so I ended it.
It was a bad breakup. We haven’t talked since. We don’t follow each other on social media.
I am dating a great guy now. I’m pretty sure that Kieran is still single.
Kieran reached out to me over email, apologizing for the awkward workplace encounter, and asked if I wanted to grab coffee. I told him I’m not ready. I want to be fair to my boyfriend’s feelings, too. (I haven’t told my boyfriend about this, yet.)
Shouldn’t Kieran have contacted me before he accepted a job at my company? Isn’t that selfish on his part?
How should I deal with this situation now? — Upset
Dear Upset: How strange — that the lying, selfish guy you broke up with three years ago isn’t behaving the way you want him to now.
Given that you have no contact, he does not owe you a heads-up about his employment, however (I’m assuming that neither of you supervises the other).
Behave professionally and cordially if you encounter him. Otherwise, ignore him. If you don’t want to have coffee, don’t; you don’t need to explain yourself. Tell your current boyfriend that “Kiernan” is working at your company. Keeping this a secret only ups the ante.
Dear Amy: How do I tell my cheap girlfriend that she needs to pitch in? We’ve been dating for over a year. On the rare occasions she takes me out, I have to pay for at least part of it. She’s even gone as far as saying that she’s taking me out, but then (miraculously) I end up paying!
For example, she recently “treated” me to a “free” comedy show. I ended up buying dinner for both of us.
One show she took me to cost me $120 in souvenirs and booze.
If she buys dinner, I pay tax and tip. When I take her out, I end up paying for everything — ticket costs, dinner, transportation.
Her cost of living is much higher than mine, so I always used this as an excuse, but I recently lost my job, and she has managed to pay for two solo vacations this year.
Do I speak up when the bill comes? Before we go out? Sit down now and have a serious talk?
I just don’t know how to address this without coming off as resentful. — Feeling Used
Dear Feeling Used: Relationships operate using their own sort of currency. And, just like with money, you and your girlfriend each needs to invest in the relationship, with a goal of long-term gain.
In your case, you tolerate behavior you don’t want to tolerate, feel resentful about it and then wonder how you can fix the dynamic without being honest about it.
If you had started this process when your relationship was in its earlier stages, it would either have been fixed by now, or you might be in a different relationship with someone who shares these values.
Although you should never have to justify being honest about your own feelings, you recently lost your job, and this presents the perfect reason to have “the talk.”
Say, “I know we never spelled this out, but I really need to talk about how we divide our spending when we go out. I’ve always spent far more than you on our relationship, and honestly, I’ve resented it but I haven’t said anything. Now that my situation has changed, I can’t afford to keep quiet. Can we work together to make our spending more balanced?”
Dear Amy: Thank you for highlighting the issue raised by “Baseball Mom,” who witnessed a gifted young player being berated by his parents on the sideline.
I have spent the last 20 years sitting in the bleachers as my children play sports at various levels, and have witnessed some absolutely appalling behavior. — Sports Dad
Dear Dad: Youth coaches and parents responded similarly.
6 pieces of dating advice your single friend is tired of hearing from you
A word of advice to people with a lot of single friends: Your friends are probably already dealing with enough without having to endure your “constructive criticism” of their love lives. (Seriously, have you seen the DMs they receive from weirdos on Tinder? Cut them some slack.)
Some advice is especially bad, even if your intentions are good. Below, you’ll find six things that are best left unsaid.
1. ‘You just have to put yourself out there.’
Unless your friend has gone into full hibernation mode, they probably have been putting themselves out there. They probably don’t tell you everything about their love life, though. You might not be privy to the flirty coffee dates they’ve been going on with their co-worker, or the growing number of dating apps they’ve downloaded, deleted and re-downloaded in the last few months.
Trust that they’re handling the situation, even if you personally haven’t seen much progress, said Isiah McKimmie, a couples therapist and sexologist in Melbourne, Australia.
“Your friend has probably been on terrible dates, been rejected, and had people ghost them ― it can be overwhelming and they can lose their confidence,” she said. “Sometimes, people need to take some time to get their energy for dating back and find ways of meeting people that feel right to them.”
2. ‘You’re being too picky. You need to lower your standards.’
Standards exist for a reason, so be respectful of your friends’ non-negotiables. If your friend is adamant that they don’t want kids or is looking for a partner who’s their financial equal, respect those choices. Chipping away at those standards is likely to result in an incompatible match.
“When you tell a friend to lower their standards, you’re telling them to give up on essential needs they’re looking for in a partner,” said Danielle Kepler, a therapist in Chicago. “Giving up on those needs might result in dating someone who they won’t ever reach compromise with, especially if they disregard goals and dreams for their future by dating them.”
3. ‘Don’t worry about online dating. Do what you love and you’ll meet the right person organically.’
While well-intentioned, this advice is outdated. There’s no reason your single friend can’t go out and do what they love ― say, enroll in a French cooking class in the hopes of meeting a foodie cutie who can cook a mean coq au vin ― and be on the dating apps all at once.
Dating is all about casting a wide net, said Susan Pease Gadoua, a couples therapist and the co-author of The New I Do, Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels.
“People’s time is so limited,” she said. “If your friend’s on the apps, they’re reaching a much larger pool of singles without a lot of effort. Plus, they’re weeding out prospects who don’t want the same things as them more quickly and easily. It just makes you so much more efficient in your search.”
4. ‘You need to find your soulmate. Stop settling for just anyone.’
This piece of advice is a little too prescriptive for its own good. You might be totally convinced that soulmates are a thing, but it might be an icky, eye roll-inducing concept to your single friend.
Plus, stressing your friend out about finding “The One” is only going to make their search for a decent partner even more cumbersome, said Tom Murray, a couples therapist in Greensboro, North Carolina.
“Maybe your friend will start swiping on all the apps, to feel like they’re ‘doing something,’ but it’s unlikely to be all that rewarding and it might even contribute to depression,” he said. “Instead of focusing on finding a soulmate, suggest they focus on looking for personality characteristics they like in people, such as kindness or generosity.”
5. ‘Maybe you’d have better luck if you put more effort into what you wear.’
Yes, a little effort goes a long way when you’re going on a first date or looking to meet people at the bar or an event. That said, if your friend is comfortable and looks relatively put together when they go out, don’t suggest they take the trouble to buy a whole new outfit. Let them be, and cool it with the judgment, Kepler said.
“Putting on a façade by dressing different than you usually would dress, or putting in way more effort than you usually would, is kind of like false advertising,” she said. “You shouldn’t have to drastically change your appearance to attract a partner and putting yourself in that mindset doesn’t help your self-esteem while on a date.”
6. ‘I think you’re just choosing the wrong people.’
Well, yeah. If your friend was choosing the right people, they wouldn’t be single. This piece of advice comes across as ultra-meddling. If you’re worried about the “type” your pal is chronically pursuing, it might be best to gently suggest a therapist. A professional can offer advice in a much more neutral, less judgmental way, McKimmie said.
“Your friend might really be looking for someone different, but for deeper psychological reasons, they keep repeating the same patterns,” she said. “Just trying to choose someone different doesn’t resolve the issue. If your friend keeps choosing the same kind of person and running into the same problems over and over, hopefully they’ll think about talking it through with a therapist.”
Bottom line? The best thing you can do for your single friend is to just listen. Given how disappointing (and dick pic-filled) single life can be, they’re going to need a good sounding board.
4 dating lessons we can learn from our parents
Often, the very thought of discussing dates with our parents fills us with dread as the question “have you met someone yet?” echoes in our minds. In turn, we give a dismissive response and insist that we’ll only introduce them to someone when we know it’s serious… meanwhile, we continue in our struggle to land a second date.
Our parents can teach us a lot, even when it comes to dating!
Despite our apprehensions, it might just be that the advice of our parents is key to winning the dating game. Not only do they have years of experience on us, but our parents have also been filled with the cherished advice of our grandparents, and if there’s anything we can learn from this generation, it’s how to love and make a relationship last.
From the dating don’ts, they’ve learned first hand to the dos that led to their long-standing relationships, their tips and tricks could help you find ‘the one’.
To reignite the spark in your love life, Charlie Spokes, a dating expert from ‘My Friend Charlie’, outlines 4 dating lessons we can all learn from our parents.
1. Mother knows best
As much as we might hate to admit it, mums always seem to have the answer. Knowing exactly the right thing to say, they’re often our biggest confidents… setting us back on the right path and filling us with reassurance, there’s nothing quite like the advice of a mum in your time of need.
This understanding doesn’t appear from nowhere and whilst we might disgruntledly suggest that she can’t possibly have a view on everything we do, our mums’ wealth of experience often suggests otherwise; they’ve been there, done it, and they’ve got the memories as proof. Having walked in your shoes, they’ll also inevitably have sought advice from their own mothers, only adding to their seemingly endless list of tips and tricks.
Don’t be afraid to turn to your mum for advice; we often worry that our woes will be met with a disapproving “oh, you didn’t…”, but this won’t always be the case. You might just find that your problems are solved, all with a little support from the family.
2. Manners cost nothing
If our parents stressed anything growing up, it’s the importance of manners. Saying “please” and “thank you” certainly isn’t difficult, and this goes a long way in highlighting your ability to be polite… something that shouldn’t be underestimated.
Although it might seem slightly irritating when our parents remind us, yet again, to “say the magic word” (even though we’re well into our twenties, thirties or even forties…) this is something you should value in a possible partner. Don’t stand for poor manners on a date; never settling is key to finding happiness and if your date isn’t polite, gracious and respectful, you can be sure you deserve better. Carrying your parents’ expectations for decency will come in extremely handy in your search for Mr or Mrs Right.
3. You can’t beat good chemistry
We are the first generation to truly embrace the temptation of online dating. Social media and apps are taking over our lives; no longer do we hope to ‘bump into’ our perfect match as we walk to work or have drinks with friends. No, now we relentlessly swipe to search for a partner, something our parents, and grandparents, would never have been able to consider…which may have been a blessing in disguise.
The internet is certainly a good place to look for unique venues and dating events but let this be where it ends. Instead of using dating apps which encourage you to base your selection solely on appearances, opt for more unique platforms like ‘My Friend Charlie’, which allow you to sign up for an exciting group events for singles; from chocolate workshops to sunset cycling tours, these events will leave you looking forward to a fun evening, whilst helping you to meet someone entirely new.
Nothing beats meeting someone for the first time in person, rather than from behind a screen… listen to your parents when they say that you can’t judge chemistry through texts.
4. Everyone’s been on a bad date
If you’ve been on a bad date, it’s easy to feel like you’re the last singleton standing. This isn’t the case; your parents have been there, they’ve jumped the hurdles and crossed the finish line; sometimes, all you need is a little reassurance to make the process of dating more enjoyable. Your parents can remind you that you’re not alone, we’ve all had bad dates and eventually, the journey will all be worth it.
To find out more about exciting group dates near you, visit www.myfriendcharlie.co.uk
6 Pieces Of Dating Advice Your Single Friend Is Tired Of Hearing From You
A word of advice to people with a lot of single friends: Your friends are probably already dealing with enough without having to endure your “constructive criticism” of their love lives. (Seriously, have you seen the DMs they receive from weirdos on Tinder? Cut them some slack.)
Some advice is especially bad, even if your intentions are good. Below, you’ll find six things that are best left unsaid.
1. ‘You just have to put yourself out there.’
Unless your friend has gone into full hibernation mode, they probably have been putting themselves out there. They probably don’t tell you everything about their love life, though. You might not be privy to the flirty coffee dates they’ve been going on with their co-worker, or the growing number of dating apps they’ve downloaded, deleted and re-downloaded in the last few months.
Trust that they’re handling the situation, even if you personally haven’t seen much progress, said Isiah McKimmie, a couples therapist and sexologist in Melbourne, Australia.
“Your friend has probably been on terrible dates, been rejected, and had people ghost them ― it can be overwhelming and they can lose their confidence,” she said. “Sometimes, people need to take some time to get their energy for dating back and find ways of meeting people that feel right to them.”
2. ‘You’re being too picky. You need to lower your standards.’
Standards exist for a reason, so be respectful of your friends’ non-negotiables. If your friend is adamant that they don’t want kids or is looking for a partner who’s their financial equal, respect those choices. Chipping away at those standards is likely to result in an incompatible match.
“When you tell a friend to lower their standards, you’re telling them to give up on essential needs they’re looking for in a partner,” said Danielle Kepler, a therapist in Chicago. “Giving up on those needs might result in dating someone who they won’t ever reach compromise with, especially if they disregard goals and dreams for their future by dating them.”
3. ‘Don’t worry about online dating. Do what you love and you’ll meet the right person organically.’
While well-intentioned, this advice is outdated. There’s no reason your single friend can’t go out and do what they love ― say, enroll in a French cooking class in the hopes of meeting a foodie cutie who can cook a mean coq au vin ― and be on the dating apps all at once.
Dating is all about casting a wide net, said Susan Pease Gadoua, a couples therapist and the co-author of The New I Do, Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels.
“People’s time is so limited,” she said. “If your friend’s on the apps, they’re reaching a much larger pool of singles without a lot of effort. Plus, they’re weeding out prospects who don’t want the same things as them more quickly and easily. It just makes you so much more efficient in your search.”
4. ‘You need to find your soulmate. Stop settling for just anyone.’
This piece of advice is a little too prescriptive for its own good. You might be totally convinced that soulmates are a thing, but it might be an icky, eye roll-inducing concept to your single friend.
Plus, stressing your friend out about finding “The One” is only going to make their search for a decent partner even more cumbersome, said Tom Murray, a couples therapist in Greensboro, North Carolina.
“Maybe your friend will start swiping on all the apps, to feel like they’re ‘doing something,’ but it’s unlikely to be all that rewarding and it might even contribute to depression,” he said. “Instead of focusing on finding a soulmate, suggest they focus on looking for personality characteristics they like in people, such as kindness or generosity.”
5. ‘Maybe you’d have better luck if you put more effort into what you wear.’
Yes, a little effort goes a long way when you’re going on a first date or looking to meet people at the bar or an event. That said, if your friend is comfortable and looks relatively put together when they go out, don’t suggest they take the trouble to buy a whole new outfit. Let them be, and cool it with the judgment, Kepler said.
“Putting on a façade by dressing different than you usually would dress, or putting in way more effort than you usually would, is kind of like false advertising,” she said. “You shouldn’t have to drastically change your appearance to attract a partner and putting yourself in that mindset doesn’t help your self-esteem while on a date.”
6. ‘I think you’re just choosing the wrong people.’
Well, yeah. If your friend was choosing the right people, they wouldn’t be single. This piece of advice comes across as ultra-meddling. If you’re worried about the “type” your pal is chronically pursuing, it might be best to gently suggest a therapist. A professional can offer advice in a much more neutral, less judgmental way, McKimmie said.
“Your friend might really be looking for someone different, but for deeper psychological reasons, they keep repeating the same patterns,” she said. “Just trying to choose someone different doesn’t resolve the issue. If your friend keeps choosing the same kind of person and running into the same problems over and over, hopefully they’ll think about talking it through with a therapist.”
Bottom line? The best thing you can do for your single friend is to just listen. Given how disappointing (and dick pic-filled) single life can be, they’re going to need a good sounding board.
