The spirit of Cupid, that meddling toddler made popular by 99-cent Valentine’s Day cards, lives on through NYC bartenders. Who is present for every single bar dalliance; privy to the romantic, to the profane, to the highs and lows of love? Bartenders. A friend of mine, in fact, was married by the very bartender who witnessed her relationship evolve from flirtatious drinking buddies to husband and wife.
Whether you’re on the prowl, or hitting the town with a longtime love, what makes for a better date night than grabbing a drink? Bars, pubs, speakeasies, breweries, taverns, lounges — all pump blood through NYC’s dating scene. Finding a great bar is easy, but having the perfect drinks-date can devolve into a regular comedy of errors.
Bartenders see and hear it all. Whether your hope is for sparks to fly or to keep a flame alive, bartenders know the dos and don’ts of dating. Here is their advice on how to have a great night at the bar on your first date, last date, and every heart shake, ache, and break in between.
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Dutch Kills | Cole Saladino/Thrillist
How not to screw up the first date from a damn dating app
Spotting a first app-date is like identifying tourists on the subway: they are the least comfortable people in eyeshot. App connections made manifest are distinct from say, a first date between kickball teammates, because the aspiring lovers are coming into this thing with little more than an avatar and a headline. That’s why Haley, a mixologist at Long Island City’s Dutch Kills, insists that you review your match a final time before your date. “Know who you’re meeting!” she says. “Nothing is more cringeworthy than watching someone try to discreetly scroll through their matches upon arrival to a date. Note their appearance AND NAME before you walk in.”
So what steps can you take to minimize awkwardness? “Do whatever you need to do to relax before the date,” says Nevada, a bartender at Double Windsor, a Windsor Terrace hub. “Whatever that means for you. Go to the gym, take two showers, rub one out if you need to.” One thing you should definitely do for an app date is avoid your local. “There might be people there you’ve flirted or hooked up with,” says Samantha, a bartender at Abilene in Carroll Gardens. “That’s gonna be distracting.” And, even if you think you have a high tolerance, you should try to keep your drinking pace aligned with your date’s. “When I see someone ‘lapping’ their date, it looks nervous and bad,” Samantha says.
“One thing I see all the time is people wearing costumes,” says Matty, a mixologist at Dutch Kills and downtown Manhattan’s Attaboy. “Don’t do that. Don’t wear an outfit that you don’t normally wear. Don’t posture. You look uncomfortable because you are.” Nevada implores women to choose sensible shoes: “Don’t wear heels you can’t walk drunk in,” she says.
Like all minimally decent people, Brooklyn Inn bartender Kevin disapproves of mansplaining, but it’s especially important to avoid on first dates. “Men need to shut up. I see it all the time and it’s the worst. You’ve presumably read this person’s profile. That should give you some cursory things to ask her about. Just listen to the person you’re with. Share with each other and you can power through awkwardness.”
And be ready with several possible exit strategies should things still go off the rails, Samantha says: “The worst is being stuck on the subway with someone after a bad date.” Ping a Lyft, pick a first date spot near a Citi Bike dock, or plan for a nice, long, head-clearing walk home.
You were gonna go home and watch Netflix anyway, why not add the and chill? The first step? “Leave the one-liners and pick-up lines at home,” says Matty. “They never work and they annoy everyone.” So with that out of the way, what should your approach be?
Kevin has deduced that, as opposed to laying down the realness, a sob-story, or unloading one’s insecurities, the shocking common factor in successful one night stands is, “the couples seem to really be having a good time. A lot of laughing and smiling.” Keep things light and have fun with it and you’ll be fine. Nevada encourages a straightforward, laidback tack that’s easy to bounce back from: “Make your pitch quick, easy, and casual. No pressure. Don’t give the hard sell. ‘No’ isn’t a point to be argued. If you’re cool about it, you come off as confident, and the person has a real chance to make an assessment.”
It’s also important to remember that just because the good times are flowing, that doesn’t mean the booze has to be. Kevin cautions against getting blackout schwasted. “If you’re not gonna remember [your one-night stand], what’s the point? Even a vague memory is better than nothing. At least there’ll be a story.” Plus, performance is a factor. “You certainly don’t want a reputation as a shitty lover. Alcohol can do that.”
As for the barroom makeout precursor to “wanna get outta here?” You may feel intimate under the dim lights, but you aren’t invisible, and sloppy, public PDAs are not a good look after the age of ever. “Don’t take up my bar’s real estate over empty glasses for an hour, just close the deal and go home,” says Kevin.
It’s also smart, since you are going home with a virtual stranger, to keep a nonjudgmental friend looped in. “It may feel weird for some people, but who cares,” says Barcade bartender Audrey. “Text them who you’re with and when you’re leaving.”
Lucky you, you’ve got a regular thing going. You’ve found someone who’s fun just to be around, and you don’t need to feel pressure to impress them with that hard to get reservation, insider nightlife knowledge, or cultural acumen. Now don’t let comfort curdle into complacency.
Date night isn’t just about maintenance — it’s about having fun with your favorite person. “Go on an adventure!” says Nevada. “Go somewhere special. You live in NYC, not Iowa City or Tampa. Is Iowa City a real place?” But maybe you and your partner have a great local with a bartender you love. If so, Samantha suggests going there. “It feels comfortable and cozy, you can be free to be yourselves.”
Remember to keep things saucy. “Make a goddamn effort,” Samantha says. “Look good, like you did when you first started dating.” She cribs Dan Savage: “It’s a good idea to have sex before you go out to dinner and drinks, otherwise, you’ll be all full and tired and drunk afterward.”
So what to talk about when you’re actually out? “Avoid talking about work or telling old stories,” Nevada says. “And don’t talk about social media. In fact, turn your phones off. Don’t just put them away, turn them off. Engage, be a part of one another’s worlds. Don’t get distracted by your friends’ brunches or trips to Maui.” Without a doubt, keeping full attention on your partner is key to any date night’s success. “Couples I see who’ve been together for a really long time, they have genuine conversations, not ‘how was your day?’ stuff,” says Kevin.
And remember that if things feel a little stiff, you can always pick up a conversation with your bartender. They can be the X-factor you need to loosen an evening up. “It’s fun to get casual, tipsy, chat with the bartender,” says Samantha. “That adds a new element to things.”
Nobody approves of cheating, a’ight? “It’s so, so lame,” says Nevada. “And it’s not even the cheating, it’s the lying and the dishonesty. I’ve seen lots of people take off their wedding ring before they hit on someone. Insanely uncool.”
It’s your relationship, your life, your choices, your reputation, and your responsibility. “It’s my job as a bartender not to judge,” Audrey says. Samantha agrees, “It’s certainly not my place to tell anyone what to do with their lives.” But that doesn’t mean they want to be implicated.
“Don’t get others involved in your bullshit,” Audrey says. Avoid any bar you may love or want to go back to. Don’t expect others to lie on your behalf. And don’t count on discretion if you yourself are indiscreet. “I’ve told people when [a married person is hitting on them] goes to the bathroom,” says Nevada. “‘Hey, FYI, that person’s married. Look up their Facebook if you don’t believe me.’ They’re grateful 100% of the time and I feel fine with it. Nobody deserves to be lied to.”
Do everyone a favor and take your show on the road. “Pick a different place every time,” says Samantha.
How to break up
I’ll take the tear and snot special, please
It ain’t pretty to break up in a bar, but as every bartender will tell you, it happens. “Bars are intimate, but they’re still public space,” says Audrey. That’s why her advice matches that from, Audrey, Kevin, Samantha, Matty, Haley and Nevada: don’t break up in a bar.
I’ve broken up with someone in a bar. It was unplanned, ugly, I regret it fully, and I’ve apologized profusely. And it left me with a lingering sense of duty to help palliate the experience of anyone caught in a bar for either end of a Dear John conversation.
If you’re the person doing the deed, save everyone time and energy, don’t wait, don’t draw things out, and don’t make any other plans. “Don’t plan a night out beyond whatever conversation you’ve got to have,” Samantha says. “You can’t expect to have fun after that.” Breaking up with someone after a night out is also a losing proposition. “It’s just not fair to build up someone’s expectations then drop a bomb on them.” She tells the story of a regular who asked whether he should break up with his girlfriend before or after spending an entire evening out together. “A lot of [patrons] ask my advice and I’m not always as free to be 100% honest as I would be with a friend.” But in this instance, the scenario presented was so deeply inconsiderate, Samantha felt obligated to lay down a harsh truth, tips be damned: “I was like, ‘that’s your night right there.’ Having plans [after breaking up] is just really lame and inconsiderate.”
The single biggest mistake anyone can make immediately following a breakup is trying to drown their sorrows. “Don’t try and drink it away and put your bartender in the position of taking care of you. Don’t make yourself someone else’s responsibility,” says Samantha. “Staying [in the bar after a breakup] is a mistake,” Audrey says. “Nothing is gonna solve your problem, especially not alcohol in that moment. Lingering and dumping your problems on the bartender isn’t a healthy way to cope.”
Sometimes you just need to get out of your routine and you don’t want to be accountable to anyone but yourself — that’s awesome and totally healthy. “I think people get self-conscious and assume someone’s watching them,” says Audrey. “The truth is nobody gives a shit what you do.” So go forth and don’t worry what anyone else thinks!
Savor the solitary experience. “Go somewhere that’s doing something interesting with cocktails,” says Nevada. “Pick someplace the bartenders are known to be friendly and inviting. Attaboy specializes in bespoke creations, so if you want a cocktail, you’re gonna have a fun little chat with the bartender and they’re gonna make you something just for you. It’s even part of their training to engage people drinking alone.”
Bring a book, a notebook — anything that’ll absorb your mind — and relax as you sip your drink. Just keep in mind that you probably won’t absorb much of what you read or detect your beverage’s subtler notes if the bar is three-people-deep. Save this for a weekday evening.
The other approach is to make a new friend. Forget Twitter; for stories and gossip, look to bar locals. “You could talk to anyone, have any conversation — the night can end up in a very different place than you anticipated,” says Audrey. You’ve been warned.
Matty says that the bartender can be a kind of chit-chat matchmaker. “Engage the bartender in an open conversation and try to include the person you want to talk to. I’ve seen it happen and it works. Walking right up to people puts them on guard.” Just keep in mind that conversation, well-intentioned or not, isn’t always welcome.
“Nobody is entitled to anyone else’s attention — alcohol degrades people’s sense of personal boundaries, and then you’re just invading someone’s space,” Kevin says. Reading people is key. Lookin’ at you, men. “One of the biggest issues women run into is not feeling like they can go have a drink by themselves,” says Nevada. “If a woman is reading a book or whatever, that’s not a cry of ‘come save me!’ Nope. It’s just me and my book, dude. Leave me alone.”
Nevada also insists that a night out with your phone isn’t a night out alone. “If you’re on social media you’re paying attention to everything but the super fun city you live in,” she says. “Put away your phone and pay attention to yourself.”
There’s just something about being behind the bar that adds to a person’s mystique and confidence. “Bartending is inherently performative,” says Audrey. And, social though it may be, it’s still work. “Just because a bartender is being nice doesn’t mean they wanna fuck you,” says Samantha. “Us being nice is us being good at our job.” Potential suitors should keep the service aspect of the job in mind. “[Bartenders] are serving you, it’s inherently unequal. Don’t make [a bartender] feel obligated by holding tips hostage.”
“Of course there are occasions where someone comes in and you make a connection,” says Kevin with the caveat that, “we’re not expecting to go home with someone.”
In situations where you feel a real connection, patience is key. “If you really do have a crush on your bartender, become friends,” Nevada says. “Be cool and easy and ask questions. Maybe that’ll lead to you hanging out outside of the bar. That’s how my husband and I met.”
Bartenders “don’t have time to fuck around,” Audrey says. If you’ve decided you’re interested, use your words. Every customer I’ve ever been interested in has been respectful, tipped normally, ordered drinks confidently, was patient and generally aware of what was going on.”
Situational awareness and respect are bartender turn-ons. Bartender turn-offs? “Don’t be a creep and stare,” says Audrey. “I’m not into someone hanging out all night,” Kevin says. “They’re usually hammered by the end and I’ve got to count money and close up the bar.”
If you’ve got your mind made up, Haley suggests waiting until you’re done drinking, and making a friendly yet unambiguous move. “We talk to so many people each shift. I’m personally pretty clueless when someone’s hitting on me. A simple, ‘here’s my number, let me know if you’d like to get together sometime,’ before leaving is straightforward and respectful.”
“Most of this comes down to ‘know thyself,’” says Audrey. “The answer is not in the drinks you order, or the person on the stool next to you. Intention is important. If you’re going to a bar, know what you want. Are you trying to be romantic? Get to know someone? Fuck a rando? It’s kind of bullshit Zen, but it’s true: Set your intention and the rest should follow.”
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Hello all you post-singularity sex marmosets, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating advice column that’ll patch in co-op multiplayer two years after launch.
This week, we’re doing some relationship detox. How can a guy shed toxic beliefs about relationships, about women and what he needs to be a “real” man? And when a woman is getting constant vitriol from the men she meets online, is there a way that she can teach them to be better?
It’s time to gird your loins and insert coins. Let’s do this.
Dear Dr NerdLove,
I’ve recently come out of a relationship and am looking for advice.
To cut a long story short, my ex specifically cited during the break up that I had a “toxic belief system” which caused most of the tension in our relationship.
To be specific, I have always grown up idolising the “Ramona Flowers” type manic pixie dream girl. As a nerd with some decent mental health issues, I always thought that the way out of my unhappiness was through the bizarre amalgamation of all my favourite films growing up. To me, happiness and success was a mix of Fight Club’s Tyler Dryden, dating Scott Pilgrim’s Ramona Flowers and having enough money to act like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.
I worked really hard, got the job I always wanted, the girl I always dreamed of and worked out a butt tonne to get into MMA. In my head, I should have been complete. But the truth is, none of it felt right. My job is incredibly stressful, my girlfriend dumped me because apparently she couldn’t live up to an impossible standard and MMA hurts. A lot.
So my question to you is, how do I stop this vicious cycle. I’ve spent the last 10 years working to a toxic ideal idea formulated from my severely depressed 18 year old self, but I cannot break away from it because I am in too deep.
What is the alternative to toxic beliefs? These toxic beliefs have gotten me so far in life that to be without them would be to question everything I ever worked for.
Please help. I sincerely hope to find peace in all this mess. I grew up believing I was a lesser person, and that I would only find happiness adhering to the toxic ideals I set for myself. I just hope there’s another way.
-Need a Soul Cleanse
Here’s why none of that helped, NSC: because none of those things were for you. You were defining your life — from your career, to your ideal relationship to what you needed to be a man — on what other people told you that you should be. You looking to find external factors to get validation from others. “If I live up to this impossible standard, people will love me and I’ll be happy. If I live this particular lifestyle, people will be happy. If I date this particular type of person, she’ll make me better and I’ll be happy.”
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The problem is that external validation will never fulfill you. All you’re doing is tossing things into a bottomless hole in hopes that maybe this will fill the emptiness. But because you’re looking to other people for validation, you will never actually be fulfilled. You’re going to constantly be chasing after a moving target because your sense of self will be dependent on other people’s approval and validation and that’s never going to be enough. You’re always going to have that nagging voice in the back of your head that you aren’t doing enough yet, this other person has a hotter girlfriend or more money or the better job and suddenly you’re back at square zero, feeling like ten pounds of ass in a five pound sack.
At best, you may numb that emptiness temporarily, but it will just come roaring back, worse than before. And to add to the absurdity, the beliefs you’re chasing are absurdly toxic.
I mean, hell, let’s look at the examples you just cited. Manic Pixie Dream Girls aren’t people, they’re plot devices; they’re supposed to make the milquetoast protagonist more interesting because… well, because. They have no purpose other than to buff their charisma and interest stats. Hell, the whole point of Scott Pilgrim is how he’s a self-involved, selfish prick who doesn’t want to grow up and accept the consequences of his actions. Ramona is less of a person and more of a plot device, someone who makes him “cooler” by dint of her interest in him. It’s only when Scott manages to grow the hell up that he can actually relate to her as a person… and deal with the fact that she’s as flawed and messed up as he is.
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Then there’s Tyler Durden, a man who represents the paradox of modern masculinity. He rallies people who feel alienated and betrayed by life because they’re waking up to the fact that they’ve been lied to; they’re never going to get the rewards they were promised just for being men. But as he’s decrying the failures of how masculinity and society has betrayed people, his solution is to double down on the very same system that excluded them before. He’s the literal personification of the systems of masculinity that are torturing these disaffected lost boys, mocking underwear ads with “is this what a man looks like” while he himself looks like a statue carved out of marble and abs.
And then there’s Patrick Bateman… a dude whose sense of self and masculinity is so fragile it can be shattered by someone having a better business card than him. But you took these guys as your role models and worked hard to get to where you are now and… well, now you’ve climbed to the top of the mountain and realized that it’s a mountain of shit. You’ve done so much, only to realize how worthless it all is; you hate your job, you couldn’t keep your relationship and you’re miserable.
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Like the members of Project Mayhem, you’ve discovered that you aren’t going to get the rewards you’ve been promised… so what do you do now? Are you going to double down and say that the answer is to do it again but harder? Or are you ready to admit that maybe you made the wrong call?
The fact that you chose poorly doesn’t mean you’re stuck with this for the rest of your life. Nor does it mean that you’re an idiot, a loser or in any way lesser. It just means that you’re human, like the rest of us, and sometimes we back the wrong play. It happens. It sucks, but it happens to everyone.
I get why it’s hard to let go. You’re experiencing what’s known as the sunk cost fallacy; you’ve been doing this for so long that you feel like you have to keep going. Otherwise… well, what does it say that you’ve put in all that effort only to quit now? It’s the belief that you have to justify all that you’ve done because otherwise you’re a loser and a quitter, instead of just admitting that you’ve made a mistake and that time and energy is gone.
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But there’s a difference between making a mistake and having wasted all that time. It’s not a waste, not if you learn from it. And what you’ve learned is that this doesn’t make you happy. It’s not who you are, it’s not what you want, and it’s emphatically not what you need.
What you do need is a little self-compassion right about now. Yeah, you chased a life that wasn’t right for you. I did that too, many times. I tried to be a professional artist for most of my life, despite the fact that I don’t have the talent or the passion for it. I thought being a PUA would do it for me. I was wrong then, too. In both cases, I had to be willing to say that, for all that I spent literal decades of my life chasing those things, I was wrong, and they weren’t what I wanted or needed.
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But I don’t consider that time wasted. I learned a lot from all of it, and those decisions are what put me on my path to where I am today. And honestly, I’m much happier and more satisfied for it.
You’re at a crossroads, NSC. This is a liminal space, where you have the chance to take a different path and redefine who you are. But to do that, you have to be willing to forgive yourself for everything that you’ve invested to get here. And I won’t lie to you, it’s hard. But when you forgive yourself and let yourself shrug off the burden of these expectations and beliefs, you’re going to feel like you’ve let go of massive weights that are holding you back. For the first time in decades you will feel free.
With that freedom comes the possibility of discovering who you really are and what truly feeds your soul. You can start to explore yourself and chase down possibilities that you denied yourself because you had such a rigid idea of who you were and weren’t allowed to be. You can focus on connecting with people — a real, honest connection, based on respect and love — instead of having to maintain a front of who you think you’re supposed to be.
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And that’s amazing. It’s exciting. You have this chance to start anew, to define yourself by what you want. You have an infinite array of possibilities before you. Some of them won’t be right at all, some of them will only be right for you for a little while, but you have the chance to explore them all. And all you have to do is be willing to forgive yourself and throw up the middle fingers at everyone who told you that this, or that, is what a “real” man is. That’s for you and you alone to decide for yourself.
You are standing at the edge of an incredible future, NSC. All you have to do is let go of the tethers of your toxic beliefs and fly.
Your site has been incredibly helpful to me over the past few years. As a woman who dates on the internet it’s been valuable both for how I think about myself and to better understand the guys I interact with. I’m hoping for some guidance on where the line is with online dating on not being a dick to guys on the internet or exacerbating the kinds of feelings you get letters about, without performing an insane amount of emotional labor in the process.
For context, I’m a reasonably presentable woman in my late twenties on OkCupid in a large city, which means I get a larger volume of messages than I can stay on top of. I also try not to let dating take over my life, so I limit myself to about one first date a week. (I realized I was getting pretty grumpy when I went on dates instead of hanging out with friends or working out, which wasn’t helping anyone).
I often don’t immediately respond to first messages. Usually it’s because a) they said something gross or offensive (or, with alarming frequency, “message me if you want a guy who will never cheat on you,” which, cool, possibly necessary, but definitely not sufficient), b) all they said was hi/what’s up/etc and there’s nothing to hang a conversation on, c) I haven’t checked my messages, or d) I saw the message, but couldn’t think of something interesting to say immediately and plan come back to it. Sometimes, even if I plan to respond to messages, I’ll wait for a few days if I’ve got a bunch of dates lined up, because I’ve noticed guys get really grumpy if you offer them a date a couple of weeks in the future. (Side note to anyone who follows the ‘we have to meet in seven days’ thing: dudes, stop being so pushy and sensitive about not being women’s first priority. Of course you aren’t. We haven’t even met yet).
I’ve noticed a pattern where, within 48-72 hours of not responding, I’ll have a second message along the lines of ‘We matched. I messaged you. I don’t know what else you want out of me’ or ‘I give up. This site is trash’ and so on. (Or you know, calling me a bitch, but for the purposes of this question, let’s set them aside.) I may be out of touch with expectations on response time on messages, but I’m not able to spend more time/energy on in-app interaction than I already do. After I receive these types of messages, I am no longer interested in going on a date with any of these guys, so I just don’t respond at all, but I can’t help but feel that I’m contributing to all the bitterness and unhappiness I see in letter writers on this site.
I don’t want to create negativity in other people’s lives, but I do not have the time or emotional bandwidth to respond to engage with these guys individually, nor do I have any idea what to say to them. Is there something I can say to them to address that bitterness? I honestly would have ended up talking to at least 25% of them without that second message. What’s the ethical/kind thing to do here without spending hours every week responding to random men on the internet who seem to be placing way too much importance on one interaction?
-Help Me Help Them
It’s generous of you to want to help these guys, HMHT but… that’s really not your job. The problem here isn’t you. You’re not causing them to flip out and call you a bitch or a whore or whatever because you didn’t respond immediately. That’s all them. The negativity is coming from inside the house.
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Let’s take the dude who says “we matched, I messaged you, I don’t know what else you want from me.” This is a guy complaining that he’s not being rewarded for doing the bare minimum. What you — or anyone on a dating app — wants is chemistry, attraction and a reason to want to reply to someone. That’s more than just popping into somebody’s inbox and saying “Welp, here I am, let the blow-jobs commence!” and it’s definitely more than just saying “hey”.
Dudes who want to get results — whether they’re messaging someone on OKCupid or texting somebody after getting her number — have to engage the person they’re messaging. They have to have a hook, something that the other person will see and react to in a positive way. “Hey” ain’t gonna do it. Neither is “you must be a wrench ‘cuz when I see you my nuts tighten up” or any other sexual innuendo, for that matter.
More to the point, however, the fact that he’s getting pissed because you didn’t immediately jump to attention is all about what he thinks he’s entitled to. Now, maybe he’s gotten frustrated because he hasn’t had much luck. Which, hey, I’m sympathetic and all, but lashing out at you ain’t the way to go.
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Hell, the fact that he’s getting pissed off over this is as solid of a sign that not responding was the right move. Getting pissy over being turned down — and no reply is a reply; it’s a “no thanks” — is part of how nature tells us “do not touch”. Even telling him “I may have replied if you haven’t said that” is just going to set off another torrent of abuse that you don’t need.
Now, if there’s a guy you are interested in, it’s better to reply sooner rather than later, if only because interest on a dating app is fleeting. Just as you’re talking to other people, he’s likely messaging other people, too. That connection may never happen because you didn’t respond but someone else did. It’d be a shame to miss out on someone awesome because you took a little too long to write back. But hey, that’s dating in the age of Tinder; sometimes you’re just gonna find the right person at the wrong time.
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But the guys who’re going out of their way to show their whole ass at the first hint that they aren’t going to get their way? Those are dudes who need to follow NerdLove’s First Rule: Handle Thine Own Shit. If they’re going to blow up like cut-rate firecrackers the moment that someone doesn’t respond, then they’re gonna be single for a long, long time… and they should be.
So by all means, respond faster to guys who actually interest you; it may not end up going anywhere, but at the very least you’ll have some more people to talk to. But for the guys who get pissed because you turned them down, directly or indirectly? You’re not responsible for them. You aren’t here to solve their problems and make them better people. You’re not the Fuckhead Whisperer.
Plus, to be perfectly blunt: they’re probably not going to listen to you. As soon as they realize that listening isn’t going to lead to hot sweaty sex, they’re going to be right back on their bullshit. When a guy is determined to show you that he’s an asshole, the best thing you can do is block him and move on.
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It says a lot about you that you want to help. You’re being kind and generous. If you think one or two of them may be salvageable, that they’re folks who might be able to turn around given half a chance? Then feel free to send them my way; I’ve got nearly a decade of columns, books, podcasts and videos to help them refine their game and turn their lives around. That’s literally my job.
But it’s not your job. Nor is it your responsibility. If these guys want to do better, then it’s on them to decide that and to make it happen for themselves.
Did you have to make a radical change in your life? Were you able to pull your life back from the brink… or help someone else turn theirs around? Share your stories in the comments below Share your story in the comments below and we’ll be back with more of your questions in two weeks.
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Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotaku’s bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris O’Malley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question you’d like answered? Write doc@doctornerdlove.com and put “Kotaku” in the subject line.
Harris O’Malley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. His new dating guide New Game+: The Geek’s Guide to Love, Sex and Dating is out now from Amazon, iTunes and everywhere fine books are sold He is also a regular guest at One Of Us.
The best piece of dating advice I’ve ever received came from my older sister who told me that men never do anything they don’t want to do. She explained that if a guy really likes me, he will make an effort to spend time with me. She said that if he doesn’t text or call, then he isn’t worth my time. It’s true that the best dating tips often come from family members and friends who are older and wiser than you, because it takes a long time to learn the most valuable lessons in love. Making your own mistakes every now and then is undoubtedly important, but learning from other people’s experiences doesn’t hurt, either.
You want to go into a first or second date armed with as much confidence in yourself as possible. If your best friend’s usual mantras are starting to sound like a broken record, this list is for you. These life-changing tips from six real women will help you to put your best foot forward when it comes to dating. If you’re single and actively meeting new people, these are the dating tips you need. Each of these pieces of advice clearly stuck with the women who shared them, so why shouldn’t they work just as well for you?
This woman believes in the importance of getting in the right mindset before a date.
One of my favorite dating tips is to chill out before the date by having a glass of wine and listening to music while getting ready. It’s so simple, but I honestly think it helps you unwind after a busy day and get into true ‘date mode.’ That always made me feel more relaxed and confident before first dates.
— Hannah, 25
This woman’s guy friend reminded her that she should always feel like her date’s first choice.
I was confiding in my best guy friend about this guy who had blown me off for the millionth time and he said, ‘If someone wants you, if they like you, they’ll never leave you guessing. They’ll make time for you. They’ll show up.’ And it’s so simple really and just, you know, obvious. But I needed to hear it. In that same conversation, I explained that I felt like a consolation prize, second best, or even last choice. And he said, ‘Bullsh*t. You are first prize and you should feel like that, especially in your own love life.’
— Sydnee, 26
This woman stresses that it’s OK to have the power when it comes to dating.
The best dating advice I’ve ever received is that they should be trying to impress you — not the other way around. Also, it’s OK to reject them before they reject you.
— Brittany, 27
For this woman, whatever happens, happens. She recognizes that she can’t always control other people’s choices.
The best dating advice I ever received was: ‘When there’s conflict, it’s you and your partner together versus the issue, not you against your partner.’ I just really love that frame of thinking.
— Mary, 23
Not all advice is universal, but these six pieces are applicable to pretty much everyone. Keep the above tips in mind as you navigate the often choppy waters of dating in the 21st century, and it will be smooth sailing from here on out.
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Dear Amy: I am just coming out of an eight-year relationship with a man I met through an internet dating site.
Back then, all of my friends (and therapist) were aggressively urging me toward internet dating. I said I would try it for a month. Before the month was up, I met “Don.”
Although the “plus” of this experience was meeting Don, I felt the rest of it was awful.
I met a number of “single” men who were married. I met a number of “50 and 60” year olds who were actually in their 70s or 80s.
I found the majority of the men were weird and had issues — and all of them expected sex on the first or second date. I didn’t find it enjoyable in the least.
Now that I am single again, everyone is urging me once again to go back on the internet.
I cannot bring myself to go back on a dating site. And yet I do not want to be single for the rest of my life.
Amy, how do I handle my insistent friends? Am I the weird one by not embracing internet dating? — Reluctant internet Dater
Dear Reluctant: Let’s review: You participated in an internet matching site. Before you’d even emerged from the standard introductory one-month free trial, you had managed to meet “Don,” and embarked on an eight-year relationship with him.
Yes, you also interacted with many men who were not acceptable to you. But the internet’s unbeatable asset is in the great and wide database offered to people who are looking for a match. It also requires that you more or less embrace the process, even if you don’t particularly enjoy it.
There are many more matching sites available now than there were eight years ago, when you had your awful (but successful) experience. If you want to interact with the largest circle of people to see if there is a match for you, then online is the best way to do that.
If you can’t handle “insistent friends” with a simple “thanks, but no thanks,” then you are definitely not equipped to dive back into the internet matching pool, anyway.
If you continue to feel this way, you could ask each of your insistent friends to fix you up with someone in their “real-life” circle.
Dear Amy: I’m an 18-year-old girl. I live at home.
My parents dictate, and have to know, everything I do: where I go, who I’m with, why I’m going.
They will give me a curfew. If I’m one minute late because of traffic, they get upset and threaten to ground me.
They control my phone, too — who I call, text and email.
Amy, I’m 18. They have controlled my life for 18 years! I want more freedom and responsibilities. I want to be able to go out and if I want to make an extra stop, to do it without them on my back.
I know they love me, but I’m tired of being their little baby.
I’m the oldest out of eight kids and they always say I have to be an example. But I feel like a robot because I do everything they want.
I’m afraid that if I go against them they will kick me out and never let me see them or my siblings. — Trapped Robot
Dear Trapped: Much of what you are feeling is basically the lament of the oldest child. Understand that your parents are learning how to be parents. It is easier to tightly control a child than to tolerate the anxiety of loosening the leash.
Your job is to respect their rules while you are in the house, and to make workable plans to leave home, as soon as possible. Many young people find freedom through attending college; if you aren’t college-bound, it’s time to find employment and start to push back.
Don’t let them control you through threats of punishments. In every futuristic movie, there’s a moment where the robots rebel. It might be time for your uprising.
Dear Amy: I was disappointed by your response to “Mom in Tears,” whose teenage son was prevented from walking down the aisle to graduate, due to a suspension. You seemed to agree that the son’s accomplishment should not be rewarded with a graduation gift.
The son did graduate, and he’s already been punished by the school. She doesn’t need to pile on. — You are Wrong
