Category Archives: Relationships
What I Learned About Dating After 20 Minutes With International Love Guru Matthew Hussey
When it comes to dating, I hold my cards close. Call it a defence mechanism if you will, but I’ve never been the kind who could ever muster the ability to straight-up tell someone I liked them. I prefer to go down the subtle — sometimes a little too subtle — hint-dropping route, and ever the traditionalist, save the first move for the men (yes, I know it’s 2018, so sue me).
Mostly, this has served me well so far, mainly in that I’ve saved myself from a lot of potential heartbreak. However playing it safe, as they say, doesn’t always put you in the best position to embrace wider possibilities. I’ll be the first to admit there have been plenty of could-have-beens, people I probably pined over for longer than I had to, and energy better spent elsewhere instead of replaying situations over in my head.
So when I had the chance to speak to international love expert Matthew Hussey, I took it as my chance to gain some clarity on these deep-set ways I couldn’t seem to shake. Hussey’s name may not ring a bell for everyone immediately, but do a little digging and you’ll find that his résumé is pretty stacked. With articles and videos that reach upwards of four million social followers, sell-out seminars and live events, a stint on Channel Seven’s new dating show The Single Wives and not to mention, a new girlfriend in Camilla Cabello, you could say he’s pretty well-versed in the art of dating.
What I love about Hussey’s advice is that it’s always rooted in practicality. For as universal an experience as dating, there are, surprisingly, few places where one can find solid applicable advice. We’re told to “put yourself out there” or “open your heart”, concepts which may be well-intentioned, but really don’t offer much that one can actually put to action. So as a self-confessed type-A do-er, I was more than intrigued on what I could glean. A fair bit, it turns out.
Attraction Is Fluid
As a subject that has been a recent topic of conversation within my own social circle, as well as an age old relationship adage, I hit Hussey with a classic first: the friend zone. Namely, whether we’re approaching the concept in too binary a manner. “If you say, how attractive is this person to me? You’re looking at a snapshot in time,” he began. “It’s like looking in the rearview mirror. You’re really describing how attractive someone has been, not necessarily how attractive they could be.” In other words, we have a habit of over-simplifying attraction, which can keep any potential of a relationship stagnant. “There could be someone we’ve never really noticed in our life, and then they do something or behave in a way that makes a go, huh, I’ve never seen them like this before,” Hussey says. “You’re intrigued, because they did something very confident or looked at you a certain way they’d never done before, you saw them dance . . . ” It’s then up to you to act on it.
We’re Acting Out of Fear Too Much
Which brings me to this. If that friend you used to play house with as a kid is now someone you’d want to well, play with for real, take a chance and open up. In order to get out of the friend-zone (yes, it’s possible), Hussey says it’s all about showing a different side to yourself. However, it’s also important to discern if you’re there because there simply isn’t any chemistry (move on), or if you’ve just been acting out of fear. “We really like [this person], and when we like someone and want it to go well, we get nervous, and when we get nervous, we begin to censor ourselves,” he says. “We don’t do those little flirtatious things we do when we’re feeling comfortable. Fear makes us seize up, so this person doesn’t get to see that cheekier, edgier, more playful side to us.”
So be a little more tactile, throw in a flirty compliment or two, and see how they respond — it will either go your way or it won’t. “Life gets better when you stop worrying about how much you’re going to lose, how embarrassed you’re going to be or how awkward you’re going to make it and instead, just take a chance,” Hussey says.
Getting Out of Your Head
If fear causes us to censor ourselves, our desire for control makes us culprit to over-thinking. Reading into situations, over-analysing what was or wasn’t said, all of it stems from trying to control what’s out of our hands. The key to alleviating this? Focusing on what you can control. “If we focus on what we can control, it puts us back in power,” Hussey says. “What can you control? You can control how great you are, how much you bring to your relationship, how many risks you take, if someone’s not texting you back or calling you, go meet someone else, why are you waiting?”
Being Yourself Isn’t (Always) Enough
Once you meet the right person though, don’t expect everything to automatically fall into place. They may like you for you, but Hussey says it’s too easy for “being yourself” to eventually become an excuse for not growing. “Being yourself is great for staying true to your values and what you believe, but its also used by a lot as an excuse for being lazy, for holding on to all of their baggage and not trying to work through certain things,” he says. “No one’s job is to accept you for everything you are. What would you say if someone who was abusive? Would you say, I should just accept them for who they are?”
The onus then, is fully on us to continually try to better ourselves, but also, recognising and managing our worse traits. “Anyone can be their best self when they’re confident, happy and when things are going well at work . . . But what about when they’re not? So it’s not just about being your best self, it’s about managing your worst self and always looking to grow. Just because this is who you’ve been all your life doesn’t mean you can’t grow and evolve.”
Today’s Dating Premium
In an age where finding love seems to have become synonymous with meaningless swipes and new dating lingo, I ask if we have begun to overlook what really matters as a generation. Hussey was unfazed, and even welcomed the normalisation of it, offering the kind of glass-half-full perspective that even the greatest dating cynic can take refuge in. “Let everyone get worse, let everyone lose their social abilities and get stuck in their phones. Meanwhile, the few people that still have the guts and the drive to be great with people, it’s going to be easier for them to stand out than ever.”
“If you still focus at being good at those core social skills that make you charming, charismatic, empathetic, a good connector, a good conversationalist, a good flirt, then you’re going to win.”
What Makes You Truly Indispensable
Those social skills that build connections ultimately translate into a genuine, healthy respect between two people in a relationship. But respect, according to Hussey, isn’t purely about having regard for other person’s opinion. It’s about truly wanting the best for your partner, even when it’s not what’s most comfortable for you, or what you’d like to do. A rare, but very powerful ingredient in any relationship. “Smart people know when they meet someone like that, that that’s really hard to find,” he says. “It’s not that hard to find someone you’re attracted to, but to find someone to whom you’re attracted to who has that level of respect for you, who really wants the best for you, even when it’s not comfortable for them, that is a beautiful thing and you don’t find it very often.”
Image Sources: POPSUGAR Photography / Diggy Lloyd and Supplied
You've been professionally ghosted, now what?
Hi again. Just circling back. Did you see my last email? I wanted to quickly follow up. Let me know when you have a chance.
Most of us are all too familiar with ghosting in our personal lives, whether it’s the stereotypical Tinder connect who evaporates, or a friend who never follows through with weekend plans. But then there’s ghosting at work, a trend that’s not exactly new but is uniquely annoying every time it happens.
You know the drill. You need something from a colleague, and even though you know they’re on their computer all day, every day, somehow you’re supposed to believe that they just haven’t read your email from three days ago.
Here are a few of the most common ghosting situations, along with our best tips to finally get a response back–or at least try to.
When you’re interviewing for a job
Sign you’ve been ghosted:
Zero response to your thank-you note or second follow-up.
How to address it:
If you’ve only sent a single thank-you note after your interview, you could give it one last shot with a follow-up note that expresses (again) how interested you are. They might still be interviewing and just haven’t gotten back.
If you’ve already done that, it’s time to take a cue from standard dating advice: move on. They’re just not that into you, and that’s okay. There’s another company out there that will fall in love with you (and email you back).
Related: How to avoid being professionally ghosted
When someone owes you something for a project
Sign you’ve been ghosted:
One (or two or three . . . ) emails asking for something and still no response.
How to address it:
If you’re in the same office, go see them and ask. We’ve gotten pretty comfortable hiding behind computer screens, but it’s a lot harder to look someone in the eye when you owe them something and not feel motivated to give it to them. If that’s not going to work in your situation, another good move (especially after a second or third email) is to cc a supervisor on the chain on another check-in. This is only a trick to be used in an incredibly flaky context–but trust us, people get back fast.
When you ask the team for help–and no one volunteers
Sign you’ve been ghosted:
You email a few coworkers asking if anyone can help you with a presentation, but absolutely no one responds.
How to address it:
You could send a follow-up email reminding everyone that you’re still waiting for a volunteer, and you might hear back–but most likely someone will write back out of guilt, only to give an excuse on why they can’t help you.
Skip the in-between step and go straight to the source. We like to email people individually (they’re more likely to get back to that than to the mass email) or, better yet, to stop by their desk and say, “Hey, I know I sent an email the other day but didn’t hear back from you.” Either way, the best way to handle it is to acknowledge why they don’t want to do it, e.g., “I know that it’s not exactly a fun thing and I’m sure you’ve got a ton of stuff on your plate, but I’m really getting desperate. Could you help me? I’ll owe you one.” Everybody loves an office IOU.
Related: This is what recruiters look for on your social media accounts
When you ask for a networking introduction
Sign you’ve been ghosted:
You ask if your coworker/boss/friend can introduce you to someone in their network, they maybe even say, “Sure, I’ll look up their contact for you” and then you never hear anything back.
How to address it:
This varies person to person, but you’ve got two possibilities here: One is that the person you asked is a capital F Flake, the other is that they don’t want to do it. So which one are they?
If she’s a Flake, follow up again and one more time after that. Underscore how important it is to you and how much you’d appreciate it. Sprinkle a lot of “pleases” and “you’re my hero” statements in there. Hope for the best.
If you suspect she doesn’t want to do it, ask yourself honestly why. Is it awkward for her? In many cases, that’s the most common answer–just because you want the contact information doesn’t mean she’s comfortable sharing it. If that’s the case, follow up one time and then drop it. Find another way to get introduced or try reaching out to the contact cold on LinkedIn. That might work just as well.
Related: This is how to write a follow-up email that’s not annoying
When someone has missed a deadline
Sign you’ve been ghosted:
The work they owe you isn’t here.
How to address it:
Head on. Email and say something like this:
Hi [Name],
Checking in on the status of [The Late Project] since I was hoping to have that by [Insert the Missed Deadline]. Could you give me an update on where you’re at and when I can expect to have it by?
If they still don’t respond, try our favorite last-ditch effort solution: cc your/their boss on another follow-up.
When you do someone a favor and ask for a favor back
Sign you’ve been ghosted:
Let’s just use a Career Contessa example, shall we? You interview a woman from a big name brand, and you share that interview on all your social channels. You email her PR team asking them to share it with their network as well, and . . . nothing.
How to address it:
Even if you wish it worked differently, you do something for someone just to do it. Unless you had an agreement that they would return the favor in a specific way at a specific time, the most you can do is email once more asking if they could help you with XYZ project. Tell them it would mean a lot to you without pointing fingers (“I did this for you already”). If they don’t get back, remember that the next time they ask you for a favor.
When someone is doing bad work
Sign you’ve been ghosted:
You give an employee or coworker feedback about some poor performance and suddenly, they’re phoning it in on their work. Barely.
How to address it:
Again, head on is best. (Seeing a pattern here?) Many a passive-aggressive battle is waged in the break room, but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep it classy. Ask them if you can chat for five minutes and point out that you’ve noticed things feel a bit strained. Use a specific example or two if you have them. Then ask for whatever it is that you need.
By the way, if you’re their boss and they’re now doing badly and ignoring your requests and feedback, this is all documentation you can use if/when you let them go. Because let’s be real, a professional ghoster who also does a bad job? Not exactly long-term employee material.
This article originally appeared on Career Contessa and is reprinted with permission.
Ask the Astro Poets: Am I the Only Nerdy Leo Out There?
Ask the Astro Poets is the monthly advice column by W‘s resident astrologers, Alex Dimitrov (Sagittarius) and Dorothea Lasky (Aries). At the halfway point of every month, they take a breather from writing poetry and horoscopes, and take your questions about love, career, even the big existential questions in life. From matchmaking and compatibility, to friendship, professional, and dating advice, the poets of the stars are here to guide you through any challenge:
Dear Astro Poets,
I’m a proud Leo with a weak spot for brooding Pisces. The four men who’ve carved out a special place in my heart all share birthdays in the same week of March. I can’t resist them, even though they never give me exactly what I’m looking for, which is something like a lioness’s craving for fawning over you unconditionally. Instead, they’re always a little, well, complicated and unknowable. What’s up with these Pisces dudes taking up my psychic space? How can I keep my fire lit with all this watery energy around me?
Addicted to Pisces,
Leo
Dear Proud Leo,
Ah, I love a good fire plus water question. Pisces really are, well, delicious, and deliciously addictive. I, too, have fallen under their spell a few times. I mean, who hasn’t? It’s hard not to when you get a second look into their deep and mopey eyes, and they rope you into their emotional drama. They’re seductive with a big old capital “S,” a serpent’s tail on both ends. People often talk about which sign is the worst heartbreaker. I don’t think any Pisces is capable of the sort of heartbreak that a Gemini or a Scorpio is, but much of the time, they do come very close, doing their best to ruin the life of anyone looking their way within a 50-mile radius.
It makes sense that you, as a Leo, are attracted to them. You’re fixed fire, with tons of intensity and passion. Pisces is mutable water, and they love to go with the flow and carry on with anything exciting around them, which is probably you. You love dramatic romantic gestures, which Pisces are very capable of because they themselves are also very romantic. They intuit the feelings of others, and if they think someone needs to be heard, held, or helped, then if they care, they’ll drop everything to help do what they can. And, no matter how heartless they can seem, they do always care. They care deeply. Rest assured, all of the Pisces you’ve loved have cared very deeply about you. Even if you couldn’t always tell.
Still, that’s not to say that they’ll give you the no-holds-barred, 26-hours-a-day attention that you crave each and every day. We fire signs can sometimes be exhausting for other signs because we do really want attention constantly. (That is, until we don’t, and then you better never talk to us again). It’s not that other signs get tired of us. It’s just that they get tired themselves.
I can’t lie—Pisces/Leo is not a good match. It’s not that your Pisces men haven’t known what you desperately need and want (constant adoration). It’s that somehow, they judged you for needing it—and were simultaneously attracted to this quality in you, which you decided to withhold. Pisces can be a bit sadistic in this way; because they know what makes us tick so well, they can decide not to give it to us on a whim. It’s just not a good idea to be around when a Pisces is feeling mean.
I don’t know your moon or Mars, so I can’t give you any specific advice about what sign might be the very best for you. But my instincts are saying that if you must have water, go Cancer. And if you can help it, go with an Aries or a Sagittarius, or maybe a very sweet Libra. These signs will want to worship you in ways that you deserve, because they themselves love to be worshipped in the same sorts of ways. But caution! Don’t forget to give back what you get.
I hope this month will bring you luck and love!
Dorothea
Dear Astro Poets,
I’m a Leo with a Libra moon with a question I wanted to ask around Leo season. I’ve never been able to identify with the classic Leo traits like demanding a lot of attention, being flashy, and having a lot of ambition and confidence. At the same time, I appreciate those qualities in other Leos and maybe even wish I had them. I’m kind of a nerd. I mostly keep to myself, and my idea of a good time is a book, not a party. Are there other Leos like me?
Yours,
A Nerdy Leo
Dear Nerdy Leo,
You’re not alone. There are many different kinds of Leos, but predominantly, I tend to encounter two types. Obviously, the driven, savvy, glamorous, holding-up-the-party-so-they-can-be-the-party Leo is well known. Of course they are! They’re easiest to recognize. I’m glad you mention the word “ambition”—they get what they want, whether in relationships or their career (but especially in their career). They work very hard. It’s not all charisma. They are incredibly goal-oriented and have become, so to speak, the Leo stereotype.
There’s another type of Leo I often see, and I’m friends with a few of them: the introverted, unassuming, and observational Leo. They need a lot of attention as well, but they don’t need to be the star of the party. They need someone to go to the party with, and for that person to be utterly obsessed with them. In contrast to the Leo who wants everyone’s attention, they seem a little distant and like you can never fully know them because there’s an air of “cool” around them.
That’s the thing about Leos—they project an air of “coolness,” but if you’re the first to go up to them and ask them almost any question—though naturally one about them helps—they’ll engage with you without pretense. The “coolness” they give off has a lot to do with insecurity and fear of how they’re being perceived. It’s their armor. They’re the fire sign with the most armor. They’re obsessed with what people think of them. An Aries is incredibly impulsive and even earthy at times. A Sagittarius can adopt that “coolness,” too, but unlike a Leo, they’ll be the first to approach. Leos like to be approached, whether it’s because they see themselves as the star or because they’re more of an introvert.
But your personality is much larger than your sun sign. Your birth chart is like your DNA, and the intricacies of who you are resides in its complexities. So I’m glad you told me you’re a Libra moon. It makes a huge difference. Look at Emily Dickinson, a fellow fire sign with a Libra moon. She was the ultimate introvert. She had a rich and dynamic inner life that led to a lot of… poems. A lot of great poems. You can’t really write those at a party, unless you’re Frank O’Hara (Aries). Your Libra moon makes you the introspective, cerebral, and “nerdy” Leo that you are. I’ve been like you my entire life. I recommend it!
Your nerdy Sagittarius,
Alex
Related: Ask the Astro Poets: How Do I Finally Get Over My Exes?
15 Men Reveal What They Learned About Dating Women From… Other Women
Women know best.
Men might not like coming to women to get dating advice, but that’s dumb. No one is going to think a man has any less sexual or romantic prowess just because he’s looking for some insights from someone who identifies as being female.
If anything, it speaks to your understanding of women as a whole if you’re man enough to know that you don’t know as much about women as you would like to and that you are willing to do your homework. And what men think about their own prowess will determine their success in dating.
If you ask a woman for advice on how to date another woman, you’re immediately going to be made privy to a perspective that you would have never have been able to access on your own at all. Women see the world differently from men, and while that’s part of what makes the man-woman dynamic so much fun, it can also be a source of serious frustration, particularly when it comes to romance.
Ask any man worth his salt and he will tell you that the best dating advice he has ever received has probably come from another woman. Lest you doubt me, check out what the men of the AskMen subreddit had to say about the subject. They were more than stoked to share the best pieces of dating advice they learned about their relationships with women, from women themselves.
1. Use your ears.
“Sometimes we just want you to listen. Don’t try to help, don’t try to do anything other than just be there and listen.”
2. Listening is sometimes better than doing.
“If I’m thirsty, I don’t want you to bring me a glass of water. I want you to sympathize. I want you to say: ‘Gloria, I too know what it feels like to be thirsty. I, too, have had a dry mouth.”
3. Don’t try to “win” kissing.
“Take your time when kissing, it’s not a race.”
4. Learn her body.
“I had a woman show me the proper way to ‘pull’ a woman’s hair. Another one showed me the sensitivity of the neck and behind the ear. All great stuff. The women love it.”
5. Outsource your dating profile.
“Not so much advice, but my dating profile was more or less created by my female friends. I made mine initially and apparently it was terrible. They did an excellent job.”
6. Words matter.
“There’s a big difference between a nice guy and a good guy.”
7. Don’t try to change her.
“You can’t change a woman’s mind, you can only change her mood.”
8. Being good in bed is a virtue.
“The importance of foreplay when having sex…”
9. Grooming is for everyone.
“Edging up your beard is the difference in looking good and looking like a neckbeard/wilderperson.”
10. Feet matter, too.
“That your footwear is a big deal.”
11. Women appreciate effort.
“Probably fashion advice. I wear slim fit jeans now because the women I’m friends with said that women like that they show off the profile. (Also, my roommate wears them and suggested it, so credit where credit is due.) Also, just how much women appreciate matching clothes. I put a lot more thought into how the colors of my clothes coordinate now, and even go so far as to have different color Chucks that I can match with my shirts, because I know that, often subconsciously, women really like seeing that you put some thought into your outfit.”
12. Chemistry counts.
“I was a late bloomer and I really didn’t understand dating for a couple years at the beginning. A female friend I had a crush on told me that I was objectively more attractive than her ex but we didn’t have the same chemistry.”
13. Be confident.
“Women are attracted to confidence.”
14. Girls are people, too.
“Treat her like a person. She might know more about sports than you do.”
15. Don’t underestimate positivity.
“Women will like you if you’re not negative/cynical/sarcastic.”
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the love and dating advice show, Becca After Dark, on YourTango’s Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:15 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.
