Relationships Talk

Men struggle, too.

What’s the best dating advice? That men and women both find dating hard. However, we don’t necessarily find the same things about dating challenging.

For women, the challenges of dating can be stuff like worrying what men think about seeming too enthusiastic, or dealing with the seemingly never-ending swath of dudes who reach out on dating apps. For men, dating challenges exist, but not in a way that many woman could immediately name. After all, we aren’t dudes. It makes sense that we would understand what they go through when it comes to the wacky world of dating. 

RELATED: If He Has These 4 Qualities, He’s A High-Quality Man (Don’t Let Him Go!)

While it might not have ever occurred to you, while men and women have different challenges when it comes to dating, understanding the challenges that the opposite sex faces can actually make it easier for us to do battle with our own dating struggles.

Some men might not exactly feel comfortable opening up honestly about their challenges when it comes to dating, but the men of the AskMen subforum on Reddit were happy to share their biggest struggles when it comes to dating. Recently, one redditor asked, “What’s your biggest struggle when dating?“

What did they have to say? Read on to find out, and maybe men will stop seeming like such strange creatures and more like other humans just trying to make a connection, just like you! 

1. I can’t always figure out what the other person is thinking. 

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2. I lack the energy for dating again after a breakup.

“I thought I’d met the love of my life. We broke up a couple of months ago. I now find myself at 35 and having to start all over again with meeting someone. It’s going to suck. So I’d say my biggest dating struggle is finding the energy to get out there again.”

3. Dealing with optimists is the worst. 

“Common misconception is that everyone will eventually find the right person for them. It’s much more likely to find someone who’s compatible on the surface but with major underlying incompatibilities, or to just never meet anyone at all. I don’t pretend that it’s impossible to find a great match, but when people speak in absolution that ‘you’ll find someone,’ I feel patronized by their blind optimism.”

4. It starts to feel repetitive.

“As a fellow serial dater, do you ever feel like it becomes scripted? Like the first few dates are what it takes to be interesting and converse. It is just so easy, I go on auto pilot. I really like doing fun and unique things for dates, but definitely not worth it until you find someone you like.”

5. All that effort gives me so little in return.

“When I was actively trying to date, I would get a date once every 3 to 6 months. That’s to get one date. So you’re putting in a large effort for the searching part, only to hope to get something in a span of 1/4 to 1/2 a year. I have female friends and colleagues that get a date without doing anything within 1 month of breaking up with a guy. Many, if they’re actively searching, can get a date a week.”

6. I have yet to meet nice people.

“Yeah, it’s like a side job that you pay for instead of being paid. And the ‘customers’ treat you like garbage!”

7. It’s hard to open up all over again.

“Putting my guard down. It’s not so much getting hurt by someone, it’s more so hurting myself. I am the King of self-sabotage and if I don’t open up or get attached I can’t mess it up, which in hindsight I guess I’m still messing myself up. I try to make a conscious effort to put my guard down, but it’s difficult.”

8. Meeting people seems impossible.

“Getting out of the house. I don’t know what to do to meet people.”

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9. I find it difficult to take the lead.

“Just kind of tired of leading. At least in the initial stages I feel like I lead all the conversations, the dates themselves, the pay, everything. I’m tired of it feeling like a prolonged interview. One time I got drunk and had a gay Italian guy literally wine and dine me. I feel horrible for leading him on (I found out that night that I’m as straight as they come), but I found it so refreshing that for once I was the one being wooed and seduced. I just wish that more of my dates and relationships with women were closer to that. I want someone else to lead for a change.”

10. I fear being ghosted. 

“Ghosting. That always sucks because you’re left wondering ‘why?’ But I’ve come to realize that I wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t prioritize me enough to respond.”

11. I struggle to be emotionally vulnerable.

“Opening myself up emotionally to them. Like most guys, I grew up not really opening up to anybody. Then you find that first person that you love, the person who you think is the one. You open yourself up to them. About things you’ve never told anybody. You trust them to hold your heart and not crush it. For most people, they inevitably do.”

12. It’s just hard to find the time.

“Time to meet someone new. My life is busy and if I had a partner I’d prioritize time for them, but it’s hard to make the time to meet new people, especially when it ends up disappointing.”

13. I can’t always figure out if it’s love or friendship.

“My biggest issue is finding the line between when my date is interested in me as a friend, or as a romance. I am the worst at interpreting signals and usually I don’t try to make a move since I don’t wish to be intrusive if the feeling isn’t reciprocal. Most of my dates don’t lead to anything more than the occasional meet-up, since I seldom can tell if my date is being friendly or actually interested in me romantically.”

14. I’m too short.

“I’m 5’3”, so pretty much invisible. I talk to girls online and then they find out how short I am and stop talking to me.”

15. I haven’t met the right one.

“I wouldn’t say my issue it getting dates; apps like Tinder make that pretty easy. My issue is that I rarely find one I like. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone out with a 26-year-old cashier who lives with their parents and has no ambition to change a thing. Usually, when I find one I can actually get excited about, she either isn’t interested or ends up being mentally unwell, and the whole thing falls apart.”

RELATED: 5 Things You Can Do (Now!) When Finding The Love Of Your Life Feels IMPOSSIBLE

Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the love and dating advice show, Becca After Dark, on YourTango’s Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:15 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.

Hayley Kiyoko may be busy opening Panic! At the Disco‘s Pray for the Wicked tour and celebrating her double VMA nominations—she’s up for Best New Artist and Push Artist of the Year—but she still found time to stop by ELLE.com to film something special for her fans. We asked fans to send in their most unsolvable dating conundrums with the hashtag #AskHayley—and it got personal.

Should you swipe right on a person you know in real life? What do you do if you fall for a straight girl? Would Hayley ever date a fan? Watch above as the “Girls Like Girls” singer doles out real—and sometimes tough—love advice to girls who, well, like girls.

Buy Pray for the Wicked tickets here.

You spend hours getting ready to meet a stranger, hoping you’ll connect with them. And maybe, they’ll like you—and hopefully, you’ll dig ‘em too. You consider what you’ll talk about, where you’ll meet and research what you have in common. You’ve been down this road before, and you know it is unpredictable where it will lead. You battle through the nerves and work up the courage to keep at it, no matter how many times you’re rejected. Are you dating — or applying for a job?

Often times, the process of finding someone you want to spend hours with, regardless if it’s romantic or professional, is grueling and difficult. That’s why so much of the wise words of wisdom about falling in love also apply to scoring an offer letter for your dream gig. Here, dating experts and love gurus give their best tips:

Dress to impress

Career and branding expert Wendi Weiner the saying ‘dress for the job you want’ is relevant for both an upcoming interview or meet-and-greet with a potential partner. Though traditional perceptions toward dress code are shifting more and more casual in most industries, it is still important to present yourself professionally when you’re vying for a position. “When it comes to interviews, what you wear to an interview is just as important as how you act during the interview. Remember, the interviewer’s first impression of you will be made in less than 60 seconds,” she shares.

Know your boundaries and limits

We all have deal breakers in every aspect of your life, whether it is what you’re willing to give in a friendship, settle for in terms of salary or compromise about where you’ll live. Psychologist Yvonne Thomas, Ph.D., explains knowing your boundaries and limits is an important skill set, for both love and career, since it shows emotional health. “If you voice your concern about something serious at work or with your significant other and nothing is done about it, you need to know if and when it’s time to end the relationship or the job,” she says.

Be bold

When there is something you really want, what measures are you willing to take to get there? And what does it take to reach the goal? Couples therapist Sarah Schewitz says those who dare to be bold are more likely to reap the success and the experiences they desire. “If you want to progress to the next level in your relationship or your job, you need to ask. Employers will often give you a raise if you ask for one but they are a lot less likely to give you one if you don’t. Much the same, if you want to go from casually dating to being exclusive, say something,” she continues. “The squeaky wheel gets the grease.”

Be yourself

If you can’t actually complete the technical skills listed for a job, but get it, how steep will the learning curve be? And how long will it take you to perform at an impressive level? On the same token, if you aren’t authentic with the person you’re newly dating, it makes it might difficult to build trust and connection. Sexpert Coleen Singer says more than anything else, being yourself is solid advice, no matter what you’re talking about. “Everyone wants to put their best foot forward, but if taken too far, your real self will eventually shine through and when it falls short of what you initially presented, disappointment will ensue and damage your relationship with both your career interactions or your dating relationships,” she explains.

Listen and hear

No one wants to spend an evening with someone who only wants to talk about themselves. And no one wants to hire someone who is purely selfishly motivated. Branding and neuro human behavior expert Ali Craig stresses the importance of not only listening, but hearing what people are saying, in work and in life. “Most of us half listen to others while we’re distracted by thoughts about our next response. Instead, stop and hear what the other party is really saying. Hear the tone, be conscious of the non-verbal cues they are sending, and truly listen to every word so that you fully understand their position before you weigh in with yours,” she continues. “Not only will being a good listener decrease the likelihood of a misunderstanding, it will also give you greater insights, clarity, and ideas about how to move forward.”

Trust the process

Patience is one of the biggest pills to swallow, especially when a job search or the quest for someone to marry feels endless and at times, hopeless. Weiner says both dating and applying for jobs requires practice. And sometimes, that means striking out half a dozen (or even a hundred) times before finally getting it right. “Interviewing is a learned skill and one of the most important for career success. Dating is also about practice. Your resume is only as good as your ability to convey it in person, and the same thing goes for a first date. The interview is your opportunity to allow your personality to shine and show why you are the perfect candidate for the position,” she explains.

Don’t move too fast

There’s something alluring about that head-over-heels feeling. The rush of emotions, the flood of connection — it’s enough to make anyone want to dive headfirst into a relationship. And the same goes for a shiny job offer that’s double what you’re making now. In both situations though, remember to think carefully, consider smartly and well, be picky. “You want to interview the company as much as they are interviewing you. A slower process can be a good thing,” Weiner notes. “It allows both parties to really consider if they are the right fit — and the same goes for dating. A slow natural progression is always best. If a company offers you a job on the spot, it can scream desperation. The same goes for dating.”

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