Category Archives: Relationships

How To Build Dating Confidence When You're Newly Single, According To Experts

  Dating Advice, Relationships

If you think relationships are hard (and they are!), what can be even harder is being newly single. Suddenly, you’ve gone from spending all your time with someone whom you loved, or at least cared about very deeply, and now they’re gone from your life. It doesn’t just leave you with lots of time on your hands, but can leave you feeling defeated, as breakups can definitely take a toll on one’s self-esteem.

“When you’ve been in one bad relationship after another, it’s easy to think that the whole thing just isn’t worth your time and energy,” New York–based relationship and etiquette expert of Relationship Advice Forum, April Masini, tells Bustle. “But when you break your own pattern of dating the wrong people and choose someone who treats you right, you’ll learn that relationships are worth the time and energy. You just have to be with the right person.”

In order to get your confidence back, it’s important to dabble in a lot of self-introspection. And, before you start dating again, it’s so important to learn to love yourself again, in case you’ve forgotten how. Here’s how Masini says you can get your dating confidence back and then get back out there.

1Examine Your Past Relationship

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

“Whether you’re the one who got dumped or the one who did the dumping, you need to take stock and figure out … what worked, what didn’t work, what you want, what you don’t want, and what patterns you are aware of, and which ones you want to break,” Masini says.

By knowing what exactly you’re looking for, you’ll not only feel empowered in your dating life but you’ll be more likely to get it, too.

2Don’t Date Until You’re Really Ready

Ashley Batz for Bustle

It may be tempting to jump into dating as a distraction to getting over your ex, but it’s important to wait until you’re really ready for it. “Jumping into dating without considering your recent breakup means you’re going to make mistakes dating again,” says Masini. “Hedge against that by taking the time and energy to process your break up before jumping back into dating.”

3Start By Having Friends Set You Up

Hannah Burton for Bustle

For some people, dating apps can take a toll on self-esteem or feel overwhelming. And if that’s the case for you and you’re trying to rebuild your confidence, start off with having friends set you up when you first get back into the dating scene.

“Rather than jumping onto Tinder or Bumble or Match or any other number of dating sites and apps — because you’re new (again) to dating, and you may be a little raw — have your friends hand pick people they think would be good dates for you,” says Masini.

4Rely On Input From Your Friends

Hannah Burton for Bustle

Sometimes your friends can see things far clearer than you, so in addition to having them play matchmaker, ask for their advice or let them be your wingperson when you’re out.

“Your friends can custom-tailor your dates,” says Masini. “In fact, sometimes your friends know better what you need than you do, because you’re too close to the recent breakup.”

5Work On Rebuilding Your Social Life

Hannah Burton for Bustle

“Have parties, invite people to do things outside of your own home, and keep your social life varied,” says Masini. “It’s a burden to rely on dates only when you’re trying to get back in the swing of things. What’s easier is to have a series of dinner parties, brunches, hikes with coffee.”

Besides, your friendships have — and will — last longer than most relationships you’ll have in life. Because this the case, this is where you want to put your most energy and effort.

6Don’t Put Too Much Stock In Dating

Hannah Burton for Bustle

Even if you think you’re ready for a relationship, remember that dating isn’t necessarily going to solve everything. It’s also important to be fulfilled in other areas before you get into another relationship.

“Don’t just count on dating to get you back in a relationship,” says Masini. “Vary your energy and types of social investments for the best returns.”

7Don’t Go For Someone You Want To “Save”

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

“Some people date the emotionally unavailable to rescue them,” says Masini. “Sometimes you need someone who is ‘damaged’ to make you feel less so. Being able to articulate this reason for dating the emotionally unavailable may make you realize this isn’t really in your best interest.”

As someone who always goes for the emotionally unavailable people, I can attest to the fact that it helps with giving me the confidence boost I need. I get this boost, because I feel like I’m saving them. But ultimately, it backfires and does even more damage to my self-esteem. This is another way to kick any progress you made to the curb.

As anyone with any experience in life and love will tell you, you can’t love someone else until you love yourself first. Part of that self-love is having confidence, and there’s no time like fresh out of a relationship to find that confidence you may have lost along the way.

8 Books About Dating And Love To Read When You're Feeling All Mixed Up About Romance

  Dating Advice, Relationships

If there’s one thing I know about love, it’s that it can be extremely confusing. Whether you’re agonizing over a crush or questioning your sexuality or ruminating over whether or not you might be alone forever, your romantic life can cause a lot of emotional distress. How does anyone do this love thing anyway?

Everyone’s love life has its own complications, so there’s no one-size-fits-all advice for feeling better about things. But fortunately, romance has been rough since the dawn of time, and there are plenty of books out there to help you explore all the ups and downs of your love life.

And let’s face it: Sometimes the best medicine for your romantic troubles is reading about somebody else’s problems. It can be a great reminder that you’re not the only one who doesn’t have love figured out; everyone’s just stumbling through in their own way. Plus, sometimes reading about other people’s problems in love can lead you to unexpected solutions in your own life.

So, if your love life has got you seriously mixed up, pick up one of these books, from excerpts, authors, and people who have been in love before — and lived to tell the tale.

‘Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar’ by Cheryl Strayed

Cheryl Strayed used to write what is perhaps the greatest advice column of all time, Dear Sugar. In this collection of Dear Sugar’s best column, Strayed doles out the kind of compassionate but firm advice you need when love has you feeling down.

Click here to buy.

‘Everything I Know About Love’ by Dolly Alderton

If there’s such a thing as a dating professional, then Dolly Alderton is it. A former Sunday Times dating columnist, Alderton has seen it all. In this raucous and endearing memoir, she takes you through all the misadventures of her romantic life on a journey towards becoming comfortable in herself.

Click here to buy.

‘Advice from a Wild Deuce: The Best of Ask Tiggy’ by Tiggy Upland

Speaking of great advice columns, this book compiles all the gems from Tiggy Upland’s former advice column for the Bisexual Resource Center, Ask Tiggy. Compassionate, informative, and entertaining, this is the perfect book for any bi person with questions about love.

Click here to buy.

‘Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date’ by Katie Heaney

Katie Heaney made it to her mid-20s without ever having been in a real relationship. In this fun read, she takes you through her entire love life —  and all the crushes that never quite panned out. It just takes one look at all the raving Goodreads reviews to see that this book has resonated with so many people.

Click here to buy.

‘It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single’ by Sara Eckel

In this eye-opening read, Sara Eckel debunks all the classic excuses, explanations, and advice given to single people, from “you’re too picky” to “you’re too desperate.” Drawing from research and interviews, Eckel makes a case that single people don’t need to pick apart their own personalities, and that they should start “tapping into their own wisdom” about who is right for them.

Click here to buy.

‘Love And . . .’ by Jen Kim

In this compelling book, Jen Kim turns to science to figure out why dating and relationships are so damn difficult. Drawing from her own experiences, Kim analyzes why her own dating life hasn’t quite panned out yet, reserving judgement only for herself.

Click here to buy.

‘Things You Should Already Know About Dating, You F*cking Idiot’ by Ben Schwartz and Laura Moses

This fun book contains 100 pieces of advice for single millennials, complete with illustrations. With words of wisdom like “Why are you texting in just Emojis, dummy?!,” this book is the perfect release for anyone who’s fed up with the dating scene. It will definitely make you laugh.

Click here to buy.

‘Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating’ by Moira Weigel

In this fascinating read, Moira Weigel dives into how dating was “invented,” and why we search for love in the ways that we do today. As Weigel takes you through the “age-old quest” for love, you’ll definitely get a better understanding of all the weird forces that affect modern dating.

Click here to buy.

Six Reasons Why Jay Cutler is the Star of 'Very Cavallari'

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Jay Cutler never ranked among the Bradys and Mannings of the world during his playing career.

If his debut on E!’s Very Cavallari is any indication, though, he can be an elite reality television star.

The show chronicles Kristin Cavallari, Cutler’s wife and reality show star, as she opens a Nashville lifestyle store. In the background is Cutler, sighing, staring and shrugging his way into the hearts of viewers.

In short: The 35-year-old former quarterback just reaffirms his extremely meme-able, who-gives-a-bleep persona. It’s somehow the best football-related teledrama this side of Hard Knocks.

Here are the six most Jay Cutler-y things Jay Cutler did on the hour-long premiere of Very Cavallari.

6. He provides one-word dating advice to Cavallari’s new best friend.

Hey Jay, should Cavallari’s friend Kelly text this guy back?

“Yeah.”

Does said friend have any game?

“Gameless.”

Is your wife a good matchmaker?

“Please.”

Typical Jay.

5. He shuts down parking at the Cutler household.

The 35-year-old channeled his inner 85-year-old but banishing his wife’s assistants from parking on his lawn.

He even had one helper break out the traffic cones and broke down her workout technique.

Jay is more phased by that workout regimen than he ever was by throwing a pick six. Get off his lawn.

4. He awkwardly refuses to greet Kristin’s employees.

Just imagine being this guy’s teammate.

How in the world did you break through, Brandon Marshall?

3. CutlerFace was on full display

On any given Sunday, you’d see it on the sidelines.

Allow Jay Cutler to reintroduce you do his signature look: Disinterested Steel.

2. He’s got a cooler full of elk meat and a new life philosophy.

“I like to keep myself pretty free so if something does pop up, I can bounce right to it.”

— Jay Cutler, 2018

1. He sums his retirement up in the most Cutler-y way imaginable.

What’s his long-term career goal? What does he want to eat for breakfast?

Cutler’s answer: A million “mehs.” No. 6 doesn’t make plans.

Jay Cutler is the reality star we didn’t know we needed.

Ask E. Jean: Dating Has Been Super Hard Since My Divorce. Is It Me?

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Dear E. Jean: I’m a D-list celebrity who hasn’t had sex in nearly four years. I’m not a prude. I’m bright, 35, divorced, don’t look terrible, have nice haircuts, get manicures, go to the gym—although I’m not obsessed with appearances either. I’m not 100 percent sure why it is that I haven’t had sex, but I’ll give you my best guesses:

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

First, I’m kind of famous. That makes it difficult to use dating apps. Second, I’ve had a public fall from grace, and I’m worried about further public shaming. Third, I think men find me intimidating because I’m successful and have a very nice house, lots of books, a wine cellar, etc. I did go on Tinder recently (my photo was an inanimate object) and actually got a guy to have a drink with me. He was handsome, and there was premature escalation in the texting department—he tried to send me pictures of his genitals before we’d ever met. And you know what? He was so good-looking, and I was so lonely, I tried to overlook the obvious—that he was just a penis paparazzo.

I feel like a real relationship with a man is on the other side of the glass—in a room I can no longer enter. I’ve tried to lower my expectations, but can you tell me what exactly is wrong with me that nobody has wanted to date me since my divorce? I’m very competent and cheerful and funny to the outside world, but I’m in a great deal of pain. It’s been so long since a man touched me, I can barely remember what it was like to be happy like that. I fear dying without ever experiencing the sexual or romantic attention of a man again, and it frightens me. A lot. —Compounded Emotional Distress

Advertisement – Continue Reading Below

Distress, My Darling: Now, now, my girl. It frightens Auntie Eeee more to see a woman of such unstinting charm asking, “What is wrong with me?” Therefore, I propose that we take your predicament and turn it on its head. According to your letter, your life is a psychological thriller (or a kinky sex comedy, I’m not quite sure which) featuring a famous woman frightened of being without a man, right? What if we broaden your focus: What if we don’t concentrate on “a” man but extend it to include all mankind? Is that a possibility?

I ask because I believe that you should run for office. This is not the expected solution, I know. The International Society of Advice Columnists & Corset-Fitters is doubtless sending a delegation to my house to have me flogged as I write, but you, Miss Distressed, will be a fantastic candidate—a “bright,” “successful,” “intimidating” woman who is “competent,” “cheerful,” “funny,” and so well known as to be notorious.

(And here you expected Auntie Eeee to advise you how to meet nice blokes by walking a Bernese mountain dog around a rugby field on game day.)

I want you to give running for office serious consideration! The blitz of sexual misconduct cases hitting our male-dominated statehouses, proving that men possess a splendid talent for fouling up the country, is no joke. We need you, Distress—state senator, county budget director, town supervisor, congresswoman—take your pick.

Can you win? Yes. You undoubtedly have the brains for it. Are you qualified? Look at the women voted into office in the November 2017 election. Will your campaign be perfect? No. You will make heaps of mistakes, but voters adore a “fall from grace” almost as much as they love seeing an underdog rise up and fight her way to the top. Will you meet true-blue chaps while campaigning? Yes! Will the United States of America be better off if you and more women are elected? Yes!

I have not said that you should exert yourself for my sake, Miss Distress. I have not shouted, “It hurts me to see you ‘lowering your expectations’ to catch a mere man!” No. I’ve simply advised you to run for office. It will save your peace of mind, relieve your pain, expand your prospects, restore your reputation, and correct the flub-ups made by the many, many male chumps currently holding office.

This letter is from the Ask E. Jean Archive, 1993-2017. Send questions to E. Jean at E.Jean@AskEJean.com.

« Older posts
Newer posts »