Relationships Talk

Diving into dating is tricky enough but it can be even more daunting when you’re older and you have kids in the mix.

Author, columnist and mum-of-three Kerri Sackville found herself in that situation when her 17-year marriage ended.

“I had absolutely no clue,” Sackville tells Deborah Knight on this week’s Honey Mums podcast.

“It was terrifying, and it was also baffling, because the kinds of behaviours I saw was so bizarre and perplexing and so different to the dating scene that I’d been in when I was dating first time round — which was in my teens.”

(Instagram/kerrisackville)

She’s written a book, Out There: A Survival Guide for Dating in Midlife, about her experiences.

“I had been in back to back relationships since I was 17, so I literally had not been a single person ever in my adult life,” Sackville tells Knight.

“I was 44 when we broke up, and for a while I was reeling from the trauma of being divorced, because it is a trauma.

On this week’s Honey Mums podcast Deborah Knight speaks with guest Kerri Sackville, who had a marriage breakdown after 17 years and is now back on the dating scene, Jo Abi talks about teaching the kids to look after themselves and our favourite psychologist Sandy Rea discusses how many scheduled activities our kids should be committed to.

“It really does feel like your whole world is shaking up around you, and I say to anybody who is separating after a long relationship the first year out is really, really tough because everything changes.”

At the time her children were aged 14, 12 and five.

“I actually didn’t wait until I was ready [to start dating],” she says, revealing, “I fell almost immediately into a relationship and it was, on so many levels, not a smart thing to do.”

She decided to try online dating after a night at home, alone, when her children were with their dad.

“It was so confronting and so overwhelming that after about 20 minutes I shut the whole thing down and tried to pretend the whole thing never happened,” Sackville says.

(Instagram/kerrisackville)

“The next day I woke up and thought, ‘I’m going to load Tinder’ and downloaded the app and then I was swiping.

“It was this parade of men, photo after photo after photo and I’m swiping left, I’m swiping right.

“I had an amazing first experience with online dating and I think that gave me an overly optimistic view of what online dating would be.

“So many of my experiences after that were catastrophically bad.”

The types of men Sackville met included the one who said he was separated but still lived in the marital home.

While another lied about his age by more than 10 years.

And then there was the very recently separated man who wept about his wife on their first date.

“There were the parade of men who were enraged at their exes and spent the first date talking about ‘the bitch’ ‘they’re all psycho bitches’ – it’s amazing how many men had ‘psycho bitch’ exes.”

(Getty)

But Sackville, who is single now, hasn’t given up on men just yet.

“I have much better luck with dating now because I have insight into what the scene is like, I know how to screen people,” she says in the podcast.

“I missed male company. I missed getting out and getting dressed.

“Something that you find as a single mother, when you come out of a long relationship, you lose a big part of your social life.

“There is a misconception that single mums, when they are not with their kids, are out partying and meeting people and dating.

“For most of us that happens occasionally but we’re spending a lot of time alone.”

For Kerri’s advice to women who are embarking on the dating scene, listen to her full interview with Deborah Knight on the Honey Mums podcast below.

https://omny.fm/shows/9honey-super-mums/dkmumspodcast4/embed?style=cover

Is his love for you sweet or sour?

Are you in a one-sided relationship with someone you are in love with, but you’re not sure loves you back? Or maybe you’re dating someone who used to seem madly in love with you, and who showed you and told you so every day, but now you’re seeing signs that you might need to let go and you should break up?

It can be just as confusing to know how to tell if a guy likes you as it is to know when it’s time to break up with your boyfriend, no matter how people you ask for dating advice about it.

And it’s scary when you’re wondering how you’ll ever let go of someone you love, even if he currently has you feeling nothing but the pain of an already broken heart.

Breaking up and letting go of someone you love is a very hard thing to do. Much like the hope that a coma victim will wake up, the hope of resurrecting lost love is one that’s hard to let go of.

RELATED: 14 Signs You’re In A One-Sided Relationship (That Just Can’t Last)

So what are the signs you should breakup, and how do you decide when it’s really time to pull the plug and walk away?

Go through this checklist, and see if any or all of these criteria fit your situation. If they do, then perhaps it’s time to let go of your one-sided relationship and move on.

Here are questions to ask yourself in order to know when it’s time to break up with your boyfriend when you can’t figure out how to tell if he likes you or is stringing you along.

1. Are your thoughts are only about him?

Do you spend much of your waking hours thinking about your man? Do you spend hours stalking him on social media, listening to songs that remind you of him, and trying to figure out ways to run into him?

If the answers to the above questions are “yes”, then you may be experiencing something called obsessive love. Obsessive love is when one person feels an obsessive desire to possess and protect another person with an inability to accept rejection or failure.

Love is a wonderful, giving, open emotion. Obsession is a harsh, angry, destructive one.

So, if the love you feel for you man is obsession, then it’s definitely time to let go. It’s not healthy for either of you.

2. Does he give you mixed messages?

Is your man alternating hot and cold? On some days, does he seem like his loving self and then others he is crabby and distant and no fun to be with?

Unless your man has bipolar disorder, a man who is playing up and down with his woman is a man no longer interested.

If a man wants something, particularly a woman, he will move heaven and earth to get it. If your man only wants you some days and not others then he isn’t making any effort at all to keep you.

So, unless your man is always hot for you, let him go.

3. Does he have anything to offer?

Being with a man who runs hot and cold can be very upsetting. Even worse, but harder to spot, is a man who gives you nothing.

Has your man stopped asking how you are doing? Has he stopped asking you out on dates or bringing home the groceries or including you in activities with his friends? Does he no longer listen when you talk or seem to care at all about what you think?

A man like this is a man who has nothing left to give to the woman he used to love.

Unfortunately, for many women, when they are trying to save a relationship that was once so promising, they become so obsessed with saving it that they don’t notice how little of it still exists.

They will talk more to fill in the silences left by the absence of questions. They will invite themselves along on outings they weren’t invited to. They will plan things that the two of them can do together. As a result, women don’t notice that their man has completely checked out.

So, take a moment and think about your relationship. What has your man done for you lately? If the list is short, then it’s time to let him go.

RELATED: How To Let Go Of A Person You Really, Really Loved

4. Does your history together keep repeating itself?

Are you and your guy stuck in a cycle of good and bad, up and down, highs and lows? Are there days when things feel almost like they used to and then days when things are so bad that you want to cry?

Does your man tell you that he needs space and disappear only to reappear a few weeks later telling you how much he misses you?

If you find yourself in these kinds of patterns, where things are never constantly good but rather a roller coaster of emotions that is sucking you dry, then it’s time to let go.

5. Are you afraid you’ll never love or be loved again?

Be honest. Do you sometimes think that you just can’t let this guy go because, if you do, you will never love or be loved again?

Do you think about going back on dating apps or do you worry that you might have to attend the family or office Christmas party alone, and feel nothing but dread at the prospect?

If you are feeling this way, then it’s time to let go of your man. If you are staying with your guy because you are worried that there won’t ever be someone else then you are staying with him for the wrong reasons.

There will be another love out there for you, but you will never find him if you’re stuck a relationship that isn’t making you happy.

If you can let go of this one, then you will set yourself up, physically and energetically, to find that person who will love you forever.

You are probably reading this article because you suspect, deep down, that the relationship you are in isn’t the one for you.

But it’s hard to admit this and even harder to let go. However, it is essential, for your mental health and the health of your future love life, that you pay hard attention to whether it’s time to let go of a lost love.

Is he treating you well? Is the love you feel for him healthy? Are you worried you will never love again?

Ask yourself these questions and, if the answers fit, be determined to let go of your lost love.

You can do this!

RELATED: 9 Subtle Signs Your Partner Is Falling Out Of Love With You

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington Post, Prevention Magazine, and The Good Man Project, among others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live. Contact her on her website or via email to get started!

This article was originally published at Let Your Dreams Begin. Reprinted with permission from the author.

Pete Davidson and Cazzie David were “on a break” when he started dating Ariana Grande.

The ‘Saturday Night Live’ star and his former girlfriend were taking time out from their relationship “but not necessarily broken up for good” when he began pursuing a romance with Ariana last month and he quickly decided that Ariana, 24, was the one for him, TMZ reports.

Pete, 24, proposed to Ariana just weeks after they started dating and he has said that getting engaged to the ‘No Tears Left To Cry’ singer is better” than he dreamed it would be.

Posting a picture of their hands – including Ariana’s engagement ring – on Instagram, he wrote: “u know what you’d dream it be like ? it’s better than that (sic)”

Pete’s close friend Nick Cannon recently revealed the star called him for advice prior to getting down on bended knee.

Nick said: “He called before he was going to do it, and I said, ‘Salud!’ “He was really excited, so I was like, ‘I love it, man. Keep it going.’ Love is in the air!”

The 37-year-old star will be able to offer Pete plenty of advice as he got married to ex-wife Mariah Carey – with whom he has seven-year-old twins Monroe and Moroccan – after just over a month of dating in April 2008.

Nick said: “To see them together … and I’ve been one of those dudes with one of those fantasy, fantastic relationships where you just go off and get married, so I was like, ‘Do it.’

“I’ve congratulated Pete. I haven’t spoken to Ariana, but I’m happy for them.”

And the pair are said to be wildly happy.

An insider explained: “It’s a recent engagement. They’re just two people who found love quickly and make each other happy all the time. They both started talking about it this past weekend. It’s nothing they’ve been hiding.”