Relationships Talk

WASHINGTON – It’s hard to know the rules about who pays on a first date anymore, which can make for some very awkward moments.

My 23-year-old daughter recently came back from a first date with some questions about what happened when the time came to pay for the evening’s food and fun.

She had agreed to meet the young man at a high-tech driving range, restaurant and entertainment complex. Their first stop was the miniature golf course.

The cashier asked if he should ring them up separately. There was a pause. My daughter said she was thinking that he should pay since he asked her out.

After a few seconds of silence, the young man broke the awkwardness and volunteered to cover the charge for the two of them.

After mini golf, they decided to get something to eat. When the bill arrived after the meal, there again was an uncomfortable pause.

“He looked at the check and sighed a few times,” my daughter said. “So, I offered to pay.”

The guy quickly and happily accepted. He was grateful even.

Still, she was disappointed he took her up on her offer. “I wanted him to want to pay,” she said. “Or at least not make me feel bad for wanting him to pay.”

To clarify, my daughter said she’s sympathetic about the cost of dating. For her, it’s not about a man spending a lot of money on her. She just wants to be courted – her word, not mine.

Yet this modern-day millennial is conflicted. Old-school tradition dictated that the guy paid as part of a chivalrous romantic courtship. New-school thinking is that such chivalry can be condescending.

Still, my daughter said she and her single girlfriends want to be wooed at least for the first few dates. And guys show their interest in treating them special in part by paying for the date.

For the last several years, Match, the online dating site, has surveyed about 5,000 singles to get their take on various dating habits. In its latest “Singles in America” survey, Match found that 91 percent of women think the man should insist on paying on the first date.

My daughter asked my husband and me what we thought was appropriate. Admittedly, after nearly 27 years of marriage, we have been out of the dating game for quite some time. Nonetheless, here’s our advice to her on the first-date funding dilemma:

• If you’re asked out, your date should pay. Most etiquette experts suggest this as a good rule of thumb for a first date. When you ask someone out, you’re inviting the person to be your guest. And guests shouldn’t expect to pay.

As old-school parents, we agree with our daughter on who pays. We like the tradition of starting off a possible relationship with a little chivalry.

Admittedly, this rule gets complicated under the current dating norms, where women are just as likely to be the ones doing the asking. So you might want to share your views on being courted with potential suitors to establish your expectation that you want to be the one who is asked out, not the other way around.

• If you’re asking, pick a date you can afford. If the expectation is that you’ll pay, then choose an outing that you can afford without asking your date to contribute.

There is nothing cheap about dating within your means.

By the way, I hear from my daughter that some women – not her – are offended if a guy uses a coupon on a first date. Their assumption is that their dates don’t think they’re worth paying full price.

Nonsense. Why do you care if a Groupon subsidized the date? I would think the person was being financially resourceful, a trait that makes for a great lifetime partner.

But because it is a first date and you don’t want your frugality to be misjudged, privately let the server or cashier know you have a coupon.

• Avoid a split-the-check showdown. Don’t engage in the pretense of a fake reach for the check. Don’t offer to pay just to appear polite. And certainly don’t do this as a test to see if your date will reject your offer.

If you graciously offer to cover your costs, don’t hold it against your date if he or she accepts you at your word. You ought to mean what you say. So be sure when you accept a date that you, too, can afford where you’re going, just in case you’re asked to split the check.

It’s hard to talk about money, particularly on a first date. But this can be a good communications exercise. If you have certain expectations of who should pay on the date, try to fight through the awkwardness and just tell the truth. If it doesn’t go well, you’ve at least weeded out someone who isn’t your money soulmate.

Michelle Singletary is a columnist for The Washington Post Writers Group. Readers can write to her c/o The Washington Post, 1301 K St., N.W., Washington, DC 20071. Her email address is michelle.singletary@washpost.com. Follow her on Twitter (@SingletaryM) or Facebook (www.facebook.com/MichelleSingletary). Comments and questions are welcome, but due to the volume of mail, personal responses may not be possible. Please also note comments or questions may be used in a future column, with the writer’s name, unless a specific request to do otherwise is indicated.

Khloe Kardashian is reportedly worried about her younger sister Kendall Jenner’s love life. The Keeping Up with the Kardashians star is said to be warning Kendall not to get involved with an NBA star following her own personal relationship drama.

According to a June 1 report by Hollywood Life, Khloe Kardashian is allegedly worried that Kendall Jenner may get too serious with NBA star Ben Simmons. It was revealed earlier this week that Kendall was dating the Philadelphia 76ers rookie, and Khloe reportedly had some major advice to offer her little sister.

Sources tell the outlet that Khloe and Kendall got into a blowout fight when Kardashian “begged” Jenner not to date Ben Simmons. Khloe allegedly believes that Ben could break Kendall’s heart.

“Kendall and Khloe had a big argument over Khloe’s hypocritical dating advice for her younger sister. Khloe is freaking out that Kendall is seeing another basketball player and has been yelling at her to leave him alone. Khloe is convinced Ben will break Kendall’s heart and has begged her not to date another guy in the league.”

However, Kendall Jenner reportedly believes that Khloe Kardashian is being a “hypocrite” and is projecting her relationship drama with NBA star Tristan Thompson onto Kendall’s romance with Ben Simmons.

“Kendall feels Khloe sounds like a total hypocrite and not every pro athlete is like Tristan. Khloe wants to protect Kendall from making the same mistakes she has made. Khloe fears the worst and feels that Ben may have already been cheating on Tinashe when he started dating Kendall. Khloe knows first hand how impossible it can be for professional athletes to maintain their loyalty so she is begging Kendall to think twice before falling in love with a player.”

As many fans know, Khloe Kardashian’s boyfriend, Tristan Thompson, was busted cheating on her back in April. Photos and video of the NBA star kissing and touching multiple other women surfaced online just days before Khloe gave birth to the couple’s daughter, True Thompson.

Khloe was said to be devastated by the cheating scandal but decided to stay in Cleveland with Tristan instead of moving back to L.A. The reality star agreed to give her cheating boyfriend a second chance, and the two have been working on their issues ever since.

As previously reported by the Inquisitr, Khloe Kardashian is set to move home to L.A. this summer, and Tristan Thompson will be with her. Perhaps then she’ll get to know Kendall Jenner’s new beau, Ben Simmons, a little better.

Good reasons why — and why not — you should consider being intentionally single … at least for a while.

Three years ago, I made a decision that changed my love life.

I had spent my last two years of high school anxiously waiting for college so things could get better. Then I spent freshman year crossing my fingers that if I could get the right friends, do the right activities, and be at the right places at the right times, that area of my life things would get better.

It wasn’t until winter break of my junior year that I realized that I was fed up with the way I was treating the men in my life. I would catch myself mentally stalking guys, planning a date with them in my head before I even knew their first name, and using them for my emotional benefit. During the winter break of my junior year, I realized that I wasn’t ready for a relationship because I was so desperate for an eternal love. I was ready to stuff temporary human love into my life to fill the gap in my heart.

So I didn’t go on a single date during that spring semester. No mentally stalking guys. No Pinterest binge nights and rants on how I had everything ready for my future wedding but the guy (which, it turns out, is a pretty important part). I wasn’t intentionally single that semester because I’d dated a lot of guys during high school and college and was burnt by it. I didn’t go on a dating fast because I’d given up on the idea of dating, or because I’d broken up with the idea of love. I went on a dating fast because I decided that I needed to be intentionally single and take time to work on my relationship with myself (and with God).

Dating fasts are a pretty hot topic. Some say you should avoid them at all costs. Others recommend it at the first sign of relationship woes. However, I benefited immensely from my five-month dating fast and would offer a word of advice to those wondering about how good dating fasts can really be. Entering into an intentional season of singleness – some would call it a dating fast – isn’t about swearing off love and hoping to enter into the perfect relationship when the season is over.

Before you think about going on a dating fast, take time to look at these three questions to check and see if would be productive for you:

Why do you want to be intentionally single?

Romantic relationships in today’s world can leave you emotionally drained. Between hanging out and hooking up, you can be left frustrated before you even go on a first date. We’ve forgotten how to relate as men and women in today’s culture. But the problems aren’t solved by running away from them.

During my intentional season of singleness, I knew that taking a break from dating would give me time to intentionally focus on my relationship with myself and my faith. Dating detoxes shouldn’t be done because they’re trendy, or seem like a quick fix. Instead, it’s a season of life you should enter into only after discernment. It’s not a season you’ll want to begin without defining expectations for yourself. Take time to pray about, journal, or meditate on the reasons why a dating fast is attractive.

What are your personal goals for this season of singleness?

Without clear goals for your season of singleness, you may find yourself wandering through your dating fast without seeing any real, productive results. “Tired of the disappointments, false starts, and no-gos that seemed inherent in dating, I swore it off altogether. I told myself this was just a break, a dating fast if you will, an opportunity for self-reflection and a chance to recalibrate. I decided to take a step back so that I could take a fresh step forward,” Grace Cooper wrote about her dating fast experience. “The trouble is, rather than preparing me to get back out there, my dating fast became a reason not to date at all. Although I hid my true motives under the guise of self-discovery, I was really not dating because I had given up.”

During my season of singleness I had four goals for myself: I wanted to focus on building my friendships with the women in my life. I needed to get to the point where I could see the men in my life as people and potentials. In terms of self-care, I was in desperate need of balance and good habits for my spiritual, mental, and physical health. And finally, I wanted to be able to view myself as a whole person, instead of believing the lie that I wouldn’t be complete until I’d met Mr. Right.

What are your goals for a dating fast? After you’ve defined the ways that you want to grow, make another list about how you can achieve those goals. Looking back on my dating fast, I intentionally scheduled time with the women in my life and joined a small women’s group. I prayed for the men in my life on a regular basis and got to know their stories. I also worked on better balancing my school work that semester so I wasn’t exhausted anytime I met friends or spent time with my family. Finally, I spent intentional time in prayer and started getting spiritual direction.

Are there any past wounds you need to heal from?

Don’t enter into a season of singleness just so you have an excuse not to date. If you’d rather not date right now because you need time to heal from a harmful relationship, take time to heal from past wounds. But don’t hide behind the mask of a dating fast in the process. “No one is ready to successfully date again unless they have sufficiently healed from their prior heartbreak. Lost relationships must be grieved appropriately but should never doom the hope for a new love,” recommends Dr. Randi Guther, a clinical psycholigst and marriage counselor in Southern California. “Those who are still in the throes of sorrow need to wait until they can be honestly optimistic again so they can approach the next relationship ready to give it their best.”

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to how to date in today’s world. No amount of internet searches or relationship advice books will prepare you for the human, messy, rawness of dating another person. Dating fasts are not a quick-fix answer, nor are they right for everyone. But don’t start a dating fast because you’re afraid of what a committed relationship would look like, or scared that you’re not ready for that in your life.

If done intentionally, dating fasts offer an incredible opportunity for getting to know yourself better. Your soul’s capacity to love will expand and effect how you treat everyone else in your life. Regardless of whether you decide to go on a dating fast or not, take time to be intentional in your relationship with others and yourself.

If you were baffled last summer when everyone else started saying ‘melt’ and ‘grafting’ all the time, you probably weren’t a Love Island devotee.

The BAFTA TV Award-winning show is back for a fourth series and we reckon it will be the most compelling yet. So if you want to learn the lingo and watch loads of buff singletons find romance, it’s time to strap in.

A record 150,000 hopefuls applied to spend eight weeks in the villa – even host Caroline Flack says she’d be up for it (if she hadn’t just got engaged, that is). Here, the presenter gives us some tips and tactics….

Q) Before the series starts, can you tell who will become the big stars?

A) I knew Chris and Olivia would last year. They captured people’s minds with their relationship and I think a lot of people could relate to what they were like. I know I certainly could – I could see a lot of myself in Olivia.

Single and most definitely ready to mingle – Love Island contestant Samira Mighty (Image: ITV)

Q) Are there any tactics to winning Love Island?

A) I suppose you could go in with tactics, but when it comes to relationships you can’t fake them – not for long anyway. I know I can’t. I can’t pretend to like someone.

Daddy’s girl? Singleton Dani Dyer is the daughter of EastEnders star, Danny (Image: ITV)

Q) Can you really find true love on a television programme?

A) I think it’s more likely on a TV show than online because, when you strip it down, you take their mobile phones away, they haven’t got the internet, they’re going back to the art of conversation, like old-fashioned dating. I’m even tempted, if I wasn’t now in a relationship, to go and spend time in a villa for seven weeks.

Serious pecs appeal – ripped Love Island newbie Eyal Booker shows off his bod (Image: ITV)

Q) Congratulations on your engagement. Do you think it will feel different going in not being single?

A) I haven’t been in a relationship since Love Island. I’m going to feel like a bit of a love expert now I can give them advice. Before I just gave them warnings.

Q) How emotionally invested do you get in the contestants?

A) I cried when Harley left – he’d only been there for, like, a week.

Lonely heart Dr. Alex George is hoping to be prescribed some tender loving care (Image: ITV)

Q) Do you have any advice for them?

A) Maybe stay off the alcohol – although they don’t get too much booze in there, just a couple of glasses of wine a night. Don’t worry too much about the backlash when you come out. It doesn’t last long. Don’t read the comments.

Love Island, Monday to Friday, ITV2