Relationships Talk

Here’s what’s going on.

There are multiple forms of this quote attributed to multiple sources, but the most poignant one goes like this:

“The truth will set you free, but first, it will piss you off.”

When you look for dating advice online, you have two choices:

1. Find advice that makes you comfortable.
2. Find advice that gives you the truth.

There are a lot of people out there (I have been guilty of this myself) who write words on the internet that are designed to do one simple thing: Make you nod your head and say “I knew it!” to yourself. This ‘advice’ does nothing but reinforce your pre-existing notions that may or may not actually be true.

But, hey, it makes you feel good to read it. If that’s what you’re looking for here — click that X before you go any further.

If you want the second kind of advice, information that’s actually true and an accurate representation of how men think, then here are 7 answers to the question, “why am I still single?” that you may or may not like, but the truth doesn’t give a damn about your comfort level.

1. Your negativity is keeping you single.

“You mean to tell me that loyal men actually exist?” a woman commented on my Instagram, recently. A public, highly trafficked Instagram, I may add. What’s the first thing men read when they see a comment like this?

Man-hater. Anti-man. Huge pain in the ass. Impossible to date. Unattractive attitude. Combative. Would never be affectionate or loving towards a man.

YIKES. I told you this was going to be blunt. Now, don’t get me wrong, negative energy from ANYONE is a huge turn-off, but I cannot tell you how many times I have seen some serious man-bashing on public mediums on the internet from women who are frustrated and jaded.

You might be saying to yourself: Well, that’s their opinion and right to comment on social media. But, here’s the kicker:

I see the same type of comments in online dating profiles, too. Tell me: If you’re literally on an app designed to meet men (or women), why are you using your valuable 300 character bio to bash the very people you’re trying to attract? If all you talk about is things you don’t want, or things you refuse to accept, or bragging about your “hard to handle” attitude, the only men you’re going to attract are ones who are just going to play you as a challenge and continue the cycle of hurt and pain.

RELATED: If You Do These 9 Things, It’s YOUR Fault You’re Still Single

2. Good men actually DO want accomplished, successful women.

If I had a dollar for every woman who told me that men are intimidated by successful women and ‘can’t handle’ them, well…I’d have a lot of dollars.

The truth is this: Only men who live in their insecurity will shy away from strong women. Men who cannot compete on the level of ambition, or motivation, or confidence.

Notice I did not say success.

Everyone has a different idea of what success or happiness means to them. A man who is living his truth and has established a secure, confident foundation for himself as a person will only be able to function in a relationship properly with a woman who is the same way.

If you’re finding that the men you’re dating are scared or intimidated or pushed away by your strength, that only means one thing is true:

You’re dating the wrong types of men.

3. Your online dating profile is hugely important.

I don’t know the statistics and I am no expert on websites like Match or Eharmony, but I would bet money that less than 30% of women on Bumble or Tinder actually have a bio on their profile.

What message does this send?

It says: “I hope you like my appearance enough to swipe right on me.”

It says: “I don’t take dating seriously enough to tell you anything about me.”

It says: “This is pretty much just a last resort and I’m not putting any effort into it.”

The bottom line is that you attract what you project, both online and offline. If you want to find a man who is genuine, caring, and serious about finding a relationship; then you need to send the message that you are the same way.

4. Pretty much ALL guys are open to women initiating the conversation.

Anyone who’s ever read any of the 800+ articles I’ve written on this site knows that I am all about the old school ways of men approaching women. Men initiating. Men pursuing. Men paying for dates. I think that’s what works and that’s the way things should be.

However, we also need to be realistic about the social landscape we are currently living in. A lot of guys are nervous about approaching women, or complimenting them, or saying hello in the grocery store. Guys aren’t quite sure if women want independence, or romance, or if you have to sacrifice one for the other (you don’t).

The bottom line is that guys are confused as hell. (Oh, and, this is absolutely not an excuse — men should take the reins no matter what), but it is an unfortunate reflection of reality that needs to be addressed if we want to see the truth. A simple hello in the coffee shop or sending the first message online will open the door for him to (hopefully) walk through and take it from there.

RELATED: It’s Hard To Hear, But These Are The 7 Reasons You’re STILL Single

5. You’re gonna have to put in work to find him.

I don’t know for sure, but I would venture a guess that the man you’d like to date is living an active life right now. He is at the gym, or pursuing a career, running a business, enjoying a hobby, living a happy and fulfilled life.

This also means that he is just as busy as you are, and has a lot going on daily. Maybe you’re ‘fishing’ rather than ‘hunting,’ where you’re hoping the right guy will come across your online dating profile, or be temporarily blinded by your glistening brow at the gym and stumble into you while white doves fly into the air from the explosion of energy.

What we don’t think of though, is that he may be going about his day hoping for the exact same thing to happen. This is the part where women say to me: “Well, why should I have to be the one to make the move?!” The answer is another question: If you want something in life, are you going to hope it falls into your lap, or are you going to go out and get after it?

6. Good men don’t respond well to attitude.

I’m getting my combat suit ready for all of the negative responses I’m going to get from this article (and probably this point especially), but here’s the reality: Goodhearted, genuine, caring men, have absolutely no interest whatsoever in putting up with a harsh and abrasive woman.

I have had countless women tell me that men simply cannot ‘handle’ their attitude. Let me tell you something: Men have been going to war and breaking their ass to support their families and facing heartbreak and disappointment since the beginning of time. He can ‘handle’ your attitude, he just has absolutely no desire to.

And, why would he want to? A relationship is supposed to be a loving team who supports and respects each other. If you’re looking to attract someone who actually has meaningful thoughts, emotions, and feelings, what would make you think a man like that is going to respond to a combative disposition?

7. Your photos will reign supreme.

If the last point didn’t rile up the crowd, this one probably will.

I am NOT saying you need to fit a certain standard of beauty. I am NOT saying you need to dress a certain way. I am NOT saying you need to wear a certain size of jeans.

Every man is attracted to a different type of woman.

That being said: If your visual representation online consists of blurry cell phone photos that look like they were taken with cellophane over your camera lens while riding a rollercoaster, odds are you may not get the highest quality responses.

Every single one of us, men and women, have been turned into a product when it comes to online dating. The products that sell the best are not necessarily of the best quality – but they have the best marketing. Your profile (and your in-person presence) is your face to the world. Is it projecting the best version of yourself possible?

Men are visual creatures. You may have the most genuine, caring heart. The most pleasant disposition. The absolute best personality on the planet – but if his attention isn’t caught for long enough to approach you, he will never find out.

RELATED: The Brutal Truth About Why You’re Single, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

James Michael Sama is an award-winning Boston based blogger on the topics of dating and relationships, having amassed over 30 million readers in just a year and a half. He writes and speaks on the topics of chivalry, romance, and happiness throughout the country and has been featured repeatedly in news segments, talk shows, and mainstream radio.

This article was originally published at James M. Sama. Reprinted with permission from the author.

Some weeks ago, we had an interview session on the blog and to a large extent, it served as a great eye opener to issues like marriage, relationship, destiny, parenting and all.

This week, this blog being a blog that is all about sharing and helping one another through life’s journey, it is my pleasure to bring to you a few of the things I’ve learnt over time as a result of dating; especially the mistakes I have made that I have learnt from and need not make again.

Why would I want to extend these lessons to you despite the personal attachment I have to them? Because this blog (as said earlier) is all about sharing and learning. I learn from you through the comments and mails sent, and you perhaps learn from me through the blog posts posted from time to time.

Before I go ahead to share the lessons, I would like to say that the lessons are meant to serve as a guide and a form of help should you find yourself in a similar situation, but then, it is advised that the tips be mixed with intuition so as to holistically personalize it to your situation; so you can get maximum and intended results. So what are these tips? For time and space sake, I guess I would give just three, so- Here:

1. Pace Yourself
What do I mean by pacing oneself? I mean it in the way of saying- do not be too carried away by the new wave. So you meet this guy, he meets your fancy and immediately you kick it up, talking for hours and hours on the phone. Well, the issue here is not talking for hours and hours, the issue is minding the things you say as you talk for hours because this ‘relationship’ is still new and there is still a little idea where it could lead to even though in your mind you think it’s that one relationship you’ve been waiting for and it is no doubt leading to marriage. Well, dear Miss, permit me to say you are not God (of which you are not), only God knows the beginning to the end and at that, knows what and what would lead to desired ends in your life.

What happens when you say too much too soon? You might actually be giving the guy too much to handle, and as a result, the ‘relationship’ might be jeopardized when the guy retrieves into his ‘men corner’ to think. During the time he retrieves, he as a matter of fact might stop calling and texting which as a lady might send a lot of wrong signals into your brain. You begin to feel rejected, perhaps dejected and to an extent- used.

When you have those talks that lasts for hours at the initial stage, it’s better it’s full of general talks, and not too deep personal talks because in the case the relationship does not work out, you might feel a bit violated, vulnerable and betrayed. And this as a matter of fact might cause you to be cold to the next person that comes your way thinking he too would do the same and ‘run away’.

Pace yourself for the personal talks so you don’t end up revealing too much in a very short space. It’s like giving a hungry man a full and filling meal, for him to take another meal, he has to digest the one he has eaten first and to digest the meal, a deal of time would be needed which would make him reject every other meal you try to give him out of your innocent intention of being a great host.

Be a smart lady, and to a possible extent, try to be the one in control of the conversation pace. Don’t be unduly carried away by the emotion and euphoria of meeting someone new and the possibility of what it could lead to. Allow things to happen gradually. Instead of impulsive outbursts, allow things to unfold at reasonable paces.

2. Control your emotions
It is often said that when at the brink of a new relationship, men come to the table logical, women come emotional. In as much as to an extent we as women are emotional beings, it will be helpful to know when to control our emotions so we can see in a way that is clear and not so full of sentiments. There is no doubt a level of euphoria is gotten when we meet someone new, especially someone we think might be ‘the one’ at last(!), but then, a major sign of maturity as humans (male or female) is how much we can control our emotions in the face of impulsive outbursts. We must not allow our emotions dictate for us. We must be willing for nature to take its course without trying to force anything. Now, this might be an area I have a problem with and still working on. Not that I am emotional, as a matter of fact, I am so logical, logical to the point that it sometimes scares me, but then the issue lies in the fact that in the midst of my logical sense and permutation, I do not fully allow patience to take its full course. I always want to know the end from the onset which sometimes might not be feasible. And in the bid to quickly know the end, I make so many mistakes and most of the time find myself back to square one.

In essence, I would say- control your emotions as well as your logic. Calm down and prayerfully allow nature to take its course instead of you trying to control somewhat prematurely the outcome. Relax, pray, do your reasonable part and have a firm trust in God to perfect everything in His time.

3. The last one would be Independence

Never let yourself go because you found a man. Never allow all your happiness to revolve all around him to the point that you neglect all the things you used to do and make him your sole focus. Never forego the frequent company of your friends and the things that matters to you because you found someone you think is the one. Learn to live, and actually master a balanced life. Learn to gain your spice from everywhere, not just a source. Don’t literally sit by the phone all day waiting for him to call or text, have a life regardless of the emotions that seems to have emanated from the perceived new beginning. That is why to a great extent, self-control should always be our best friend in everything we do, both in our relationships and in our careers. Thankfully I learnt the basics of this some years back, but even with that, I guess it is a habit that one has to constantly hone because the hype derived from new dates/relationships varies from time to time.

To end this post, it’ll be good to bear in mind that I am not giving all these advice because I got them right, I’m giving them because I got them wrong and having learnt from the mistakes, would not want you to make the same when you find yourself in such circumstances.

Till I come your way again, I remain your friend, blog host, life’s student and sharer. Do enjoy your day.

I’ve spent the majority of my 20s single-ish. I’ve participated in many in-betweenies, and more on-and-off again situationships. There have been starts and stops, moments of pure joy, and moments of Instagram-spiral panics. There have been textbook endings in which my fear of intimacy abetted me in imploding a good thing. Those endings were always followed by the same recommendation from others: “Get over someone by getting under someone else.”

Well, to give my sweet friends credit, they never said those exact words. “Get over someone by getting under someone else,” is what I imagine an early aughts meme might say. It probably would have been my away message on AIM had I been having sex or getting my heart broken at 14. But as a 29-year-old grown-*ss woman, I find the quote a bit problematic, even in its wording — um, what if I want to be on top?!

Distraction is undeniably appealing, though, especially when grappling with the pain of a broken heart. It makes perfect sense that this sentiment is a popular one. In the past, when I’d be in an “ughhhh, I’ll never get over this”-state, my friends would often say something like “Find someone to distract yourself!” or “It’s OK, you’ll find someone new.”

The thing was, I never wanted to “find someone new,” or at least, not right away. I wanted my old person! (Or a giant cookie.) I have a terrible habit of falling extraordinarily hard, or not falling at all. I don’t need a relationship — I’d rather be alone than forcing it with that dude who just really liked me that one time.

Here are some truths about me: I don’t love negotiating my schedule with that of another person’s. I enjoy splaying across the entirety of my bed like a Goldendoodle awaiting a stomach rub. I would rather brag to my friends and family about an enormous career move than an enormous ring. Were it more societally acceptable for Lady George Clooneys to jaunt around, I don’t think I would sweat my singledom at all. But it’s not, and I often feel like a leper.

Not to brag, but I think being long-term single is really important in your 20s, especially after a major breakup. But I have friends who are the polar opposite of me — friends who have been serially in long-term relationships or friends who haven’t really been single since seventh grade.

A close friend of mine recently exited a long-term relationship that took up more than half of her 20s. When she did, I noticed something I had never noticed before — she mainly wanted to talk about men, and what her next relationship would be. Prior to her breakup, we had other things to talk about, but now, moving on was prioritized. And that’s fair! Being in a relationship is part of her identity, the same way that being single is part of mine.

My friend jumped into a new relationship pretty quickly, and things moved ahead on a fast-track to seriousness. She seemed blissful, and I couldn’t have been more happy for her. But I caught up with her recently, and she presented a different story. Her boyfriend is being a bit of a jerk — a huge jerk, I saw the texts — and she’s unhappy. She knows this, but she still wants to make it work. Her default is to be in a relationship, even if this new relationship isn’t her healthiest one yet.

The trouble with the advice of distracting yourself with the next thing before you’ve had time to heal on your own is that it becomes very easy to lose sight of yourself outside of a partnership. What are you things you like to do? How are you at a wedding solo? What vitality and life do you bring to the table as just you, yourself, and um, you?

I’m not saying I have it all figured out, because I think the amount of trouble I have giving up my independence when presented with a great man who wants to be serious is as unhealthy as jumping from relationship to relationship. Maybe my friend and I both need to switch up our dating patterns.

You don’t need to spend five years on your own (though you’ll really get to know yourself and what you want), but maybe just take a little breather before you dive back into the dating pool. If I hadn’t spent time by myself in my 20s, I’d be a different person than I am today. I would never have figured out that I need my independence, even in a relationship. And now, I know that’s too important to me to ever give up.

But at the end of the day, if you’re cruising for some casual D or V to help wash away some of that breakup pain, go for it! Or hey, even jump into that next relationship. I don’t know your life! I’d say just remember that you don’t have to get into a new relationship to move on from your last one, unless, of course that relationship is with yourself. That’s the relationship you should tend to first, bb!

Greetings, from almost-summer! Much like Ronnie Magro of Jersey Shore‘s Season 1 declaration, “My only rule: Never fall in love at the Jersey Shore. Never, ever. Ever. Ever,” I often feel that summer is a time for prioritizing enjoyment over seriousness, especially when it comes to dating. However, with age, I have realized that Ron Ron is not who I want to be looking to for life advice, and that summer is just another season. Start your engines, because guess what? I actually think that summer is the perfect time to start dating someone new.

Meeting someone wonderful in early June should not be a threat to your summer, but instead, an excellent accoutrement. Whether you are traveling every weekend, or stuck in your city for the next three months, dating is possible during the summer. It’s just a bit more challenging. And don’t we all love a challenge? Yass!

Since I do not believe that dating someone should be equated with “having a ball and chain that holds you back from every fun,” I think that it is perfectly possible to start dating someone new this summer, and still have an excellent time. From outdoor date ideas to the general giddiness everyone starts feeling as the weather warms up, here is why I think summer is the perfect time to meet someone new.