Relationships Talk

Qi Dongwei, a 32-year-old mechanical engineer, recalls having an excruciating crush on a classmate back in college. He said he would spend time with her before and after class.

“Our hands had brushed up against each other’s by accident, but I never attempted to hold her hand, not even after chasing her for two years,” Qi said.

He has not had much luck with women since, and the pressure is on.

The latest government statistics showed that there are 32 million more males than females in China. This lopsided demographic was partly caused by the country’s one-child policy, which lasted from 1979 until 2015, and many families preferred to keep boys rather than girls. Local experts estimated that nearly one in 20 men in China are likely to remain unmarried.

Qi was so determined not to be one of them that he went to Shanghai to see dating coach Cheng Zhen, who runs what he calls a school of love. The discussion was filmed and later uploaded online as part of Cheng’s dating advice videos, which have 5 million subscribers. They address topics like why men in China fear that to get a date they must be rich.

“When American couples go out on dates, they usually split the bill … but in China, the man usually pays for everything. Not only that, he is expected to buy take-out for his girlfriend when she is working late and get expensive jewelry for anniversary gifts,” Cheng said in the filmed interview. 

Growing up, he himself worried about finding a girlfriend. His family wasn’t wealthy, and he was a short, skinny kid with glasses.

“My mother would tell me to eat eggs and drink milk. She said I already had an ugly face, so if I didn’t grow taller, I wouldn’t be able to find a wife,” he said.

At 18, Cheng was still single and desperate for a girlfriend. While he was studying in the U.S. at Iowa’s liberal arts college, Grinnell University, he pored over books on evolutionary psychology, sociology and humanities. He even spent many hours at bars to observe how men approached women until he perfected his technique.

“I started to talk to girls, and I would be more confident than before. It worked! I got my first girlfriend in college! I was so excited,” Cheng said.

After graduation, he came back to Shanghai and turned what he learned about women into a business. For the past decade, he has been sharing his methods with men who find it hard to get a girlfriend and demonstrated how he would approach me.

“Hey, Jennifer, the way you ask questions really intrigues me. I don’t know how you seem so insightful. I want to know more about you,” Cheng said.

At this point, he said he would ask me for my WeChat, which is the most popular chat app in China. Later he would invite me for a coffee. Cheng said this is how the courting process should unfold.

“But at this point, I am not saying, ‘Oh, my God, Jennifer, you’re the love of my life. I love you.’ Right? You’d be freaked out. But a lot of Chinese men, a lot of my clients are doing that,” Cheng said.

He attributed this over-eagerness partly to the fact that people in China tend to start dating much later than their American counterparts. Students are expected to focus on their studies. Moggy Yuan, who oversees video platform operations for Cheng, said she didn’t date until she went to college.

“As soon as I finished my Gaokao, the high school national exam, my mother pushed me to find a boyfriend. The day before I hadn’t even been allowed to date,” she said.

She found the turn of events amusing, but not everyone can adjust smoothly to this abrupt transition. That has created a growing market for so-called professional pick-up artists, a label commonly given in China to those helping men find women for anything from casual to long-term relationships.

The service can cost more than the average monthly salary in China.

Groups like PUAmap, who posted a tribute video online to Playboy magazine founder Hugh Heffner, advertised seduction courses that cost between 2,000 yuan ($310) to 29,800 yuan ($4,600).

Promotional videos of their workshops showed a team of “professional” seduction artists giving young men makeovers, helping them to take better selfies for their social media platforms and teaching them how to approach women on the street for their WeChat.

The company boasted in another online video, which has since been removed, that a student had “a good time playing with more than 200 girls.”

PUAmap and the community were criticized for training “playboys” and caught the attention of China’s police.

In a notice posted on its website dated April 4, PUAmap apologized to its members and fans and said it had “cleansed” its online video channels and social media platforms of content that were vulgar or objectified women.

“We have stopped all the teachings of ‘speedy dating’ skills and will change our focus to help (our members) find real love,” PUAmap said in its apology.

Given the smarmy image of pick-up artists recently, Cheng preferred to distance himself from the community. He told me that he offered more than just pick-up techniques.

Over the course of the interview, Cheng explained his methods by referencing an eclectic range of works: the book “The Selfish Gene” by British biologist Richard Dawkins, Bruce Lee’s theory on the one-inch punch and “The Count of Monte Cristo” movie.

“What I teach is how to be confident. I am not saying ‘Be confident.’ What I am offering is, ‘Why you are not confident,’” Cheng said.

Business has been so good that he has now expanded into a second loft, which is set up with a bookcase and other props to be used as a back drop for his slick videos that contain free dating advice.

Cheng’s tips include washing your hair before a date and advice on whether spending more money on a woman shows that you love her more — his answer is no. That is a radical idea in a country where bachelors are only considered eligible for marriage if they have enough money to buy property.

Cheng said he and his team of 10 people upload a video once a week in addition to articles available on its social media platforms. These act as a hook to drive business to his e-book, “Become Enchanted By Me: How To Quickly Attract A Woman And Make Her Fall In Love With You Even If You’re Not Tall, Handsome Or Rich,” and audio lessons, which cost between $8 and $90.

Eric Kong, 32, Zha Maixiong, 22, and Lu Yukun, 19, were so impressed with Cheng’s dating advice that they caught the bullet train to Shanghai just to meet with him.

“After our talk, I realized that I am not a loser just because I can’t handle everything for a woman. That’s other people’s expectations,” Kong said.

Cheng said there are plenty of men like Kong out there, and he hopes his counseling can lead them to their own self-discoveries, and maybe even a date.

Qi Dongwei, a 32-year-old mechanical engineer, recalls having an excruciating crush on a classmate back in college. He said he would spend time with her before and after class.

“Our hands had brushed up against each other’s by accident, but I never attempted to hold her hand, not even after chasing her for two years,” Qi said.

He has not had much luck with women since, and the pressure is on.

The latest government statistics showed that there are 32 million more males than females in China. This lopsided demographic was partly caused by the country’s one-child policy, which lasted from 1979 until 2015, and many families preferred to keep boys rather than girls. Local experts estimated that nearly one in 20 men in China are likely to remain unmarried.

Qi was so determined not to be one of them that he went to Shanghai to see dating coach Cheng Zhen, who runs what he calls a school of love. The discussion was filmed and later uploaded online as part of Cheng’s dating advice videos, which have 5 million subscribers. They address topics like why men in China fear that to get a date they must be rich.

“When American couples go out on dates, they usually split the bill … but in China, the man usually pays for everything. Not only that, he is expected to buy take-out for his girlfriend when she is working late and get expensive jewelry for anniversary gifts,” Cheng said in the filmed interview. 

Growing up, he himself worried about finding a girlfriend. His family wasn’t wealthy, and he was a short, skinny kid with glasses.

“My mother would tell me to eat eggs and drink milk. She said I already had an ugly face, so if I didn’t grow taller, I wouldn’t be able to find a wife,” he said.

At 18, Cheng was still single and desperate for a girlfriend. While he was studying in the U.S. at Iowa’s liberal arts college, Grinnell University, he pored over books on evolutionary psychology, sociology and humanities. He even spent many hours at bars to observe how men approached women until he perfected his technique.

“I started to talk to girls, and I would be more confident than before. It worked! I got my first girlfriend in college! I was so excited,” Cheng said.

After graduation, he came back to Shanghai and turned what he learned about women into a business. For the past decade, he has been sharing his methods with men who find it hard to get a girlfriend and demonstrated how he would approach me.

“Hey, Jennifer, the way you ask questions really intrigues me. I don’t know how you seem so insightful. I want to know more about you,” Cheng said.

At this point, he said he would ask me for my WeChat, which is the most popular chat app in China. Later he would invite me for a coffee. Cheng said this is how the courting process should unfold.

“But at this point, I am not saying, ‘Oh, my God, Jennifer, you’re the love of my life. I love you.’ Right? You’d be freaked out. But a lot of Chinese men, a lot of my clients are doing that,” Cheng said.

He attributed this over-eagerness partly to the fact that people in China tend to start dating much later than their American counterparts. Students are expected to focus on their studies. Moggy Yuan, who oversees video platform operations for Cheng, said she didn’t date until she went to college.

“As soon as I finished my Gaokao, the high school national exam, my mother pushed me to find a boyfriend. The day before I hadn’t even been allowed to date,” she said.

She found the turn of events amusing, but not everyone can adjust smoothly to this abrupt transition. That has created a growing market for so-called professional pick-up artists, a label commonly given in China to those helping men find women for anything from casual to long-term relationships.

The service can cost more than the average monthly salary in China.

Groups like PUAmap, who posted a tribute video online to Playboy magazine founder Hugh Heffner, advertised seduction courses that cost between 2,000 yuan ($310) to 29,800 yuan ($4,600).

Promotional videos of their workshops showed a team of “professional” seduction artists giving young men makeovers, helping them to take better selfies for their social media platforms and teaching them how to approach women on the street for their WeChat.

The company boasted in another online video, which has since been removed, that a student had “a good time playing with more than 200 girls.”

PUAmap and the community were criticized for training “playboys” and caught the attention of China’s police.

In a notice posted on its website dated April 4, PUAmap apologized to its members and fans and said it had “cleansed” its online video channels and social media platforms of content that were vulgar or objectified women.

“We have stopped all the teachings of ‘speedy dating’ skills and will change our focus to help (our members) find real love,” PUAmap said in its apology.

Given the smarmy image of pick-up artists recently, Cheng preferred to distance himself from the community. He told me that he offered more than just pick-up techniques.

Over the course of the interview, Cheng explained his methods by referencing an eclectic range of works: the book “The Selfish Gene” by British biologist Richard Dawkins, Bruce Lee’s theory on the one-inch punch and “The Count of Monte Cristo” movie.

“What I teach is how to be confident. I am not saying ‘Be confident.’ What I am offering is, ‘Why you are not confident,’” Cheng said.

Business has been so good that he has now expanded into a second loft, which is set up with a bookcase and other props to be used as a back drop for his slick videos that contain free dating advice.

Cheng’s tips include washing your hair before a date and advice on whether spending more money on a woman shows that you love her more — his answer is no. That is a radical idea in a country where bachelors are only considered eligible for marriage if they have enough money to buy property.

Cheng said he and his team of 10 people upload a video once a week in addition to articles available on its social media platforms. These act as a hook to drive business to his e-book, “Become Enchanted By Me: How To Quickly Attract A Woman And Make Her Fall In Love With You Even If You’re Not Tall, Handsome Or Rich,” and audio lessons, which cost between $8 and $90.

Eric Kong, 32, Zha Maixiong, 22, and Lu Yukun, 19, were so impressed with Cheng’s dating advice that they caught the bullet train to Shanghai just to meet with him.

“After our talk, I realized that I am not a loser just because I can’t handle everything for a woman. That’s other people’s expectations,” Kong said.

Cheng said there are plenty of men like Kong out there, and he hopes his counseling can lead them to their own self-discoveries, and maybe even a date.

There is certainly no shortage of dating advice out there. Such advice is doled out by self-help books, fashion magazines, and our friends and acquaintances. Some of that advice can be quite helpful, but some is mistaken and based on personal experiences and opinions, rather than on actual research about relationships. In this post, I take on five common tidbits of dating advice that are misguided or flat out wrong. 

1. When you meet the right person, you’ll know right away.

One comforting piece of advice is that when the right person comes along, you’ll just magically know. Maybe you’ll even experience love at first sight. Unfortunately, for those romantics out there, the evidence suggests that there’s no magic.

In a series of studies, Paul Eastwick and colleagues tracked people’s memories of various relationship experiences across the entire course of their relationships, both short-term and long-term.¹ They found that early in the relationship, the timing of various relationship milestones (e.g.,  first kiss, first sexual encounter) and the strength of people’s feelings toward their partner was the same for both short and long-term relationships. It was only later on that the researchers saw differences between relationships that lasted and relationships that eventually fizzled.

But what about love at first sight? Research shows that many people believe they have experienced love at first sight.² But in fact, this research suggests this feeling of “love” is really just a feeling of intense physical attraction — more akin to lust than love. And many people who report “love at first sight” with their current partner are just projecting their current feelings onto their initial encounters with that person.

2. If you’re interested in someone, you should play hard to get.

Many relationship advice books tell women that they should play hard to get if they hope to attract a man. According to this strategy, men like what they can’t have, so a woman should act uninterested in the man she desires. She should ignore his phone calls and pretend to be busy when he asks for a date.  

Research does suggest that we are most attracted to people who are selective in who they choose to date.³ But it does not follow from this that we are most attracted to people who act as if they do not like us. In fact, research on reciprocity shows that we like people who like us.⁴ We are also unlikely to pursue someone whom we believe is out of our league.⁵

The best strategy may be to show the person you’re interested in that you have high standards, but to also let them know that they meet those standards.³ You don’t want to appear desperate, but you should still show your interest. Essentially, you want to send the message “I’m picky, but I like you.” Playing too hard to get can send the message: “I don’t like you.” And do you really want to date the kind of person who continues to pursue someone even when that person is sending signals that they’re not interested?

3. Focus on putting your best foot forward until you’re firmly committed.

Some dating advice books suggest that the courtship experience should be approached as a game with the end goal of snagging a partner — carefully monitor your behavior and the impression that you create in order to win the prize of a committed relationship.

It’s true that first impressions matter and that you should generally be on good behavior on those early dates.⁶ But sometimes this advice goes too far. For example, in the advice book, “The Rules,” the authors advise women to hide personal information from their boyfriend for the first few months until they are sure he is madly in love with them, in case any of these personal revelations could turn him off and cause him to leave. Waiting months to share personal information with a romantic partner is a recipe for a shallow relationship. Mutual sharing of personal information is one of the key building blocks of intimacy.⁷ If you keep everything light, you will never develop emotional intimacy with one another. Someone who falls in love with you in the absence of emotional intimacy is probably not someone you want to form a lasting relationship with. In fact, a relationship free of emotional intimacy is what people with avoidant attachment styles desire⁸ — that is, an intimacy-free courtship will appeal to an intimacy-avoidant person.

4. Opposites attract, so try to find someone really different than you.

People often claim that “opposites attract.” However, it is much more often the case that “birds of a feather flock together.” Birds of a feather also tend to have fewer conflicts, making for a smoother relationship.^9,10

Now, there are times when someone with a quality that is very much the opposite of ourselves may fascinate us. Maybe you’re very cautious and conservative and are excited by someone who is spontaneous and unconventional. Maybe you’re very emotional and find the perspective of someone who is highly rationale to be eye-opening. However, research on “fatal attractions” suggests that these sorts of opposite qualities may initially attract us, but ultimately end up being sources of friction in the relationship.¹¹ That cautious person becomes irritated with a partner who is reckless and disorganized. That emotional person is frustrated by an overly rational person and feels like they’re dating a robot.

5. You’ll only meet liars and weirdos if you date online.

Many people believe that everybody lies online, a topic I’ve written about previously here and here. Online daters do sometimes lie about their age and physical appearance. However, research shows that extreme lies are rare because people who are looking to develop relationships with those they meet online realize that such lies will eventually be revealed and when they are, it would likely spell the end of the relationship.¹²

There is also a stereotype that people who use online dating are desperate losers, unable to get a date “in real life.” Contrary to this picture, research shows that there are almost no personality differences between people who date online and those who don’t.¹³ And in fact, one study found that people who met their spouses online were more likely to be of higher socioeconomic status than those who met offline.¹⁴

So when you’re on the dating market, go ahead and be yourself, don’t go chasing after your polar opposite, don’t expect to instantly know if you’ve found “the one,” and don’t be afraid to try online dating.