Category Archives: Relationships
Helping a friend with her dating life
Letting this one in. More advice on giving advice.
Hi Meredith,
You helped me once before and I’m hoping you can help again. My best friend, J, is a single, 38-year-old who has recently moved to a new city and switched careers. I encouraged her to try online dating and now I’m regretting my encouragement, big time. J only had one serious relationship, when she was in her 20s, and then focused more on friends and her career. She didn’t have any friends-with-benefits or casual dates. I didn’t think that would be a big deal … but I’m now realizing she is INCREDIBLY naive when it comes to dating.
Case in point, she met one person on Bumble last summer and went back to his house on their first date. Pretty soon she was engaged in a crazy kinky sex life (that she wasn’t enjoying, but she wanted to make him happy). After a few months, he dumped her. I tried to convince her to take some time, reevaluate what she’s looking for, be a little more discerning with her selections, etc. That “downtime” lasted a week and she was back on the dating apps. She’s gone out with a few guys, and gone from swiping on Bumble to having sex (then never hearing from them again), within days. She’s now “dating” (her words) someone who *ONLY* comes over for sex (they’ve never been on an actual date) and whose last name she doesn’t know. Recently he got a little “handsy” during sex and she had bruises.
I’m not against having a friend-with-benefits … but she honestly thinks there is a relationship and a future with every guy she meets, and she’s engaging sexually before even getting to know them, but saying she’s looking for forever. Recently, she met someone on Tinder and because they lived in the same town, she let him pick her up at her house – so he knows her home address, and she’s never met him. This isn’t the 1960s and she’s not going to a sock hop!
When I tried to suggest that these guys were not who she should be dating, she got defensive and called me jealous. So why do I care? I’m the *only* person in her life who knows she’s doing this. She lives alone and hasn’t made any new friends in her new town. How do I intervene without losing her?
– Terrified BFF
There’s a big difference between giving advice and telling someone what to do. As a BFF, you can give your friend safety tips. You can request that she withhold her home address on first dates, and ask her to tell at least one person who’s taking her out, so she can be accounted for at all times. You can suggest these ideas without anger and judgement. As in, “When my other friends date, they share information about the person, so we can keep track of each other. Let’s do that, too. Last names required.” Something that says, “I’m not your parent, but we’re in this together.”
As for the other stuff – the rules (made by you?) about when to sleep with someone, and how much downtime a person need between dates – I’d keep the talk to a minimum. It’s not your job to tell her when to have sex. If you pretend you have all the answers, she’ll probably tune you out.
If you suspect that she’s unhappy and uncomfortable, you should ask more questions. “Are you OK?” “What have you been learning from all of this?” “Is this fun?” “How would this relationship have to change to become what you want it to be?” There are so many questions that she should be answering for herself. Let her take agency when it comes to figuring out a solution.
You also might want to ask her how it’s going with the rest of her community. If you only talk about dating, that becomes the big priority. She needs to remember that she should also be finding friends – and a full life.
– Meredith
Readers? What’s the friend’s role here?
7 Tricks That'll Save You Money On Gas, Since It's Getting Even More Expensive Across Canada
Gas prices are breaking records across Canada right now. Vancouver continues to hover at an unbelievable $1.62 per litre, and Ontario prices are expected to keep climbing to well over $1.40 this summer. The worst part is that there’s no relief in sight.
But, believe it or not, there are actually ways to trick your car into using less fuel while you drive. These tricks could end up saving you a ton of money at the pump.
We’ve rounded up seven useful tips that you’ve probably never heard of, that actually work like a charm.
1. Get rid of all that unnecessary junk in your trunk.
Here’s a bit more incentive to finally clean out your car. For every additional 100 lbs of stuff you store in your car, you’re lowering your gas mileage by 2%. All those empty takeout containers add up quicker than you think, and they’re costing you money.
2. Stop indulging your need for speed.
Your car uses 20% more gas when you drive at over 120 km/hour. Even when you drive at 100 km/hour, you’re using significantly less gas. The faster you go, the quicker you’ll have to fill up again.
3. Get in the habit of taking it slow.
Driving advice can sound a lot like dating advice – take it slow, and definitely don’t rush into things. The harder you hit the gas pedal when the light turns green, the more fuel you consume. When you approach a stop, slow down gradually instead of braking to a halt. These behaviours are increasing your gas consumption by up to 40%.
4. Roll down the windows instead of air conditioning.
You wouldn’t believe how much gas you’re wasting just by cranking your A/C. It can increase your gas consumption by 20%. Keep your windows cracked instead, or only keep your air conditioning long enough to get comfortable, and then turn it off.
5. Figure out how to measure your tire pressure. Seriously.
Most of us are probably guilty of never doing this, but you should be checking the air pressure in your tires at least once a month. You won’t even realize it, but even the most minor deflation in your tires could be the reason why your gas tank empties so quickly.
6. If possible, avoid idling by turning your engine off every 60 seconds.
Unless you’re in stop-and-go traffic, do your best to avoid keeping your car running for longer than a minute at a time. Idling is eating up your gas way quicker than you think. Technically, idling for longer than 10 seconds burns more fuel than restarting your car, so it makes more sense to just turn it off and back on instead of letting it run.
7. Find out what your car’s maintenance schedule is and follow it religiously.
Oil changes and maintenance checks are annoying AF, but they need to get done. A poorly maintained car can cost up to fifteen cents more per litre every time you fill up, which can get crazy expensive in the long run. Don’t pay more than you have to for gas when you can easily keep your car in good shape instead.
Source: Natural Resources Canada
May 17 Vallejo A&E Source: Benicia High grad in Netflix show hosted by comedy icon Carol Burnett
Nicholas Bustamante admits it. He looked pretty nerdy in his Netflix premiere as one of the troubled guests of the reality show, “A Little Help with Carol Burnett.”
To summarize, the first-year series features a celebrity with a specific problem. After the star gets advice from a handful of precocious kids, the next two guests are your basic everyday people with their own demons demanding discussion.
Bustamante appears in the seventh of 12 episodes, with billionaire Mark Cuban on first asking the kids how he should deal with a teenage daughter. Then comes Bustamante, in desperate need of dating advice.
Apparently, the 23-year-old’s nightlife had the success rate of a blindfolded squirrel racing across a six-lane highway.
Yes, bleak. But ah, those kids. They’re here to help. And yep, they do say the darndest things.
First Bustamante’s matted, curly locks.
“Cut your hair!” one admonished.
And then his room at his parents’ Vallejo home. And goofy outfits Bustamante presented.
“Lose the toys!” one kid chastised.
Filmed last summer and released May 4, the show wasn’t exactly — at least at the start — relaxing as Bustamante sat next to Burnett.
“Horrifying,” Bustamante said in a recent phone interview. “There was no rehearsal.”
While the pre-adolescent panel insisted the 24-year-old actor should cut his hair and perhaps mature a bit, “it could have been worse,” Bustamante said. “They could have said, ‘You’re ugly.’”
Bustamante didn’t meet the living legend until moments before the show filmed last June.
“She has such a dry sense of humor,” Bustamante said, adding the 85-year-old host “seemed very youthful and energetic. I was excited to be around her. She was giving me a lot of good eye contact.”
The actor was in Los Angeles and had registered in a casting list for “a bunch of shows.”
Burnett’s own fame was launched with “The Carol Burnett Show” way back in 1967-78. Bustamante’s parents, retired teacher Mary Bustamante, and photographer/locksmith dad Herm Bustamante, knew of Burnett’s show business status.
“My mom taught me (about Burnett’s history) and I eventually looked it up. She seemed hilarious with classic sketches and over-the-top characters,” said Bustamante, acknowledging Burnett’s pioneering status.
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“There would be no Tina Fey without Carol Burnett,” said Bustamante.
Appearing on a new streaming Netflix program with an icon and the wise-beyond-their-years kids “seemed appealing,” said Bustamante, believing his 12 years of comedy improvisation could come in handy.
One of Burnett’s producers called Bustamante, basically conducting a brief phone interview. He said dating was a problem, explaining that “how I come off is not attracting people.”
“They said, ‘That’s an interesting way to put it.’ I told them it’s a common issue for people around the world and I was talking on behalf of these people,” Bustamante said.
A Skype interview with casting directors led Bustamante up the food chain. He was told he did well, but still unsure if he would make the show
“At that point, I had no idea,” Bustamante said.
Soon after, he got the call and the assignment: Show up at the Warner Bros. lot, an impressive Burbank set.
“I thought, ‘This is going to be something big,’” said Bustamante.
While he awaited instructions inside the studio, his mother was one of 70 audience members waiting.
“They told me, ‘Here’s your dressing room. When we call your name, it’s time for your part,’” Nicholas said. He heard his name and walked onto the set.
“Carol gave me a hug and was super friendly,” Bustamante said. “Everyone working on it was very nice.”
Overall, “if I could, I’d do it again. It was a dream come true to work with an icon like Carol Burnett,” Bustamante said.
Hopefully, millions will catch the streaming show and give Bustamante recognition.
“This was a really a good step forward. I’d love for people to start noticing me,” he said.
They apparently have — especially one woman who graduated from Benicia High School in 2014, two years after Bustamante.
Yes, the formerly date-less dude has a girlfriend since Valentine’s Day — and a new haircut.
“She’s awesome,” Bustamante said. “She loves Star Wars.”
For more about the Netflix show, visit www.netflix.com/title/80193475 . For more about Bustamante, visit nicholasbustamanteactor.com.
Everton Should Take a Risk and Turn to a Young Portuguese Manager – But Not Marco Silva
First of all, let’s get one thing straight: Everton were right to get rid of Sam Allardyce.
Any suggestion that Allardyce ‘saved’ Everton from relegation is nonsense. They were in the relegation zone when Ronald Koeman left, but David Unsworth had gotten the Toffees up to 13th before Allardyce arrived. Big Sam then took them from the precarious lows of two points off ninth to the heady heights of eighth.
Yes, he improved them, in the same way that I could improve a rotten piece of meat by adding salt and pepper. It doesn’t mean that I won’t wake up with a stomach ache, and it doesn’t mean that Everton were good after he took over. They were just better than before.
The search for a replacement begins and the name on most people’s lips is that of former Watford manager Marco Silva. Everton tried to sign Silva in November, unsettling the Portuguese manager enough for Watford to part company with him two months later. The Hornets have been blaming Everton for ruining their season ever since.
Silva clearly has talent as a manager. He got Estoril promoted to the Portuguese Primeira Liga and won the Taça de Portugal with Sporting. He then guided Olympiacos to the league title in Greece – not too difficult, admittedly – but it was enough to earn him a move to England.
Going to Hull looked like career suicide, with the Tigers odds-on favourites to be relegated, but Silva actually did a sterling job there, even if he couldn’t prevent the inevitable. It earned him a move to Vicarage Road and he had Watford as high as fourth in the table before the Everton inquiry.
Given his admirable record, it may come as some surprise that I don’t think he’s the right man for the Everton job. Silva would clearly jump at the chance to join Everton, as he did in November before Watford blocked the move. But I find myself reminded of an old piece of dating advice: if he’ll cheat on another girl to be with you, he’ll cheat on you to be with someone else.
Appointing Silva last November, as a short term fix, made sense. But if Everton’s ambitions truly are as big as majority shareholder Farhad Moshiri says they are, they need someone who is going to stick around for the long haul – not one who will jump ship to the first suitor that comes calling.
After all, Everton have huge ambitions – Moshiri’s stated intention is to get them playing Champions League football. He showed his dedication to the cause this season by splashing out on five different signings in excess of £20m, including double that for Gylfi Sigurdsson. Now he needs a manager who will show him the same commitment.
Who could this elusive man be? Arsene Wenger has been mentioned – he seems keen to stay in management – but a young manager would be better. Sean Dyche perhaps, but he thrives better on a small budget. David Moyes has been linked with a return to Goodison Park after leaving West Ham, but that would be playing it too safe.
No, if Everton are serious about their Champions League ambitions then a young manager with European experience would be ideal. No, I already said not Marco Silva! But what about one of his countrymen – Shakhtar Donetsk’s Paulo Fonseca.
Fonseca came to Shakhtar Donetsk in a huge transitional moment for the club. Outgoing manager Mircea Lucescu had been in charge at the Donbass Arena for 12 years. With eight league titles and six Ukrainian Cups, he was a Shakhtar legend – essentially the Romanian Sir Alex Ferguson. Stepping into his shoes would be daunting prospect for any manager.
Dean Mouhtaropoulos/GettyImages
But Fonseca has filled those shoes with ease, seamlessly picking up where Lucescu left off and guiding a team which had become complacent back to the pinnacle of Ukrainian football. He has completed the domestic double in both of his first two seasons, and most bookmakers have installed him as second favourite for the Everton job behind Silva.
He also has the Champions League pedigree that Everton hope he could apply at Goodison Park. This season Shakhtar navigated a difficult group containing Manchester City and Italian title challengers Napoli to reach the knockout stages, where they were beaten by Roma.
Fonseca also has a track record of getting a lesser side into the Champions League. In his case it was Paços de Ferreira, who he guided to an all-time best league finish of third in 2012/13. Fonseca left for Porto that summer and Paços didn’t make the group stages, but he returned the following season and led them to another top half finish.

STANISLAS VEDMID/GettyImages
To compare Fonseca’s situation at Paços with the current one at Everton would be misleading. Paços had far less money to play with than Everton, but they were also in a weaker league – although cracking the top three in Portugal is no mean feat.
But the fact that he has shown himself capable of working wonders on a small budget under little pressure at Pacos, and equally capable of bringing success under huge pressure at Shakhtar Donetsk, suggests that he is not a one-trick pony.
The only concern over Fonseca is that he has never stayed at a club for long – Shakhtar is the first club he’s called home for more than one consecutive season. But unlike Silva, it is his achievements and not his attitude which results in such short spells. It would be up to Everton to convince him that theirs is a project worth buying into for an extended period of time.
It is a risk to appoint a manager with no Premier League experience. Like it was when Liverpool appointed Jurgen Klopp, or when Manchester City appointed Pep Guardiola. Both of those appointments have paid off handsomely. An ambitious club calls for an ambitious appointment, and that’s just what Paulo Fonseca would be.
You know what isn’t a risk? Sam Allardyce. Sometimes you need to take the plunge to get results.


















