Category Archives: Relationships

Don't Be a Complete Jerk on Gay Dating Apps

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Illustration by Megan Tatem

Grindr. Scruff. Jack’d. Here’s how to navigate the crowded waters without being an asshole.

I’ve never agreed with Pat Benatar that love is a battlefield, but it can definitely feel that way on gay dating apps. The rejections are often brutal, and even successes can be hard-won. When a guy would open a conversation with the classic “into?” I always used to go for a playful reply like: “Specifically? Joan Collins GIFs, Cardi B’s album, and bars within walking distance of my place.” Spoiler: It never got me laid, and only rarely led to a date.

With gay dating apps, it generally pays to keep it simple and allow your personality to unfurl naturally. It also pays to make sure you’re treating whoever you’re chatting to, however anonymous he may seem, with a modicum of respect (that feels like basic advice but you’d be surprised). With this in mind, here’s a guide to navigating the apps without accidentally (or, you know, intentionally, you dick) acting like a douchebag.

Know what you came for

Some apps are for arranging dates and making new friends; others lend themselves to scheduling more… transient connections. I’m guessing you don’t need me to tell you which do what (Grindr, I see you). If you’re on an app that’s mainly used for hook-ups, keep small talk to a minimum. There’s a time and place for asking a guy about his favorite Britney deep cut, and it’s not when he’s just sent a totally earth-shattering nude. Sometimes a guy will recognize me on a sex app and message me to say he enjoyed an article I wrote. I’m always flattered, but then slightly disappointed that he didn’t also ask me to bang. (Hey, I’m human.)

Don’t be a jerk about turning someone down

Even on a hook-up app, it’s definitely possible to let someone down gently. “Sorry but you’re not my type,” is direct without being offensive. “Sorry I’m just browsing right now” is generally effective, too, and maybe a little more sensitive. If he doesn’t take the hint, tell him your mom’s in town and insists on vetting every guy you meet. Just like that, he’ll be up out your face.

Don’t be racist

These days, straight-up racists aside, more insidious forms of discrimination can and do creep in. When someone asks, “Where are you from?”, it can be code for (ugh) “Are you foreign?” So if you’re genuinely interested in a guy’s background, it might be more tactful to start that conversation by asking something like, “How long have you been living in Portland?”

Similarly, think twice before putting something like “Venezuelan guys to the front” on your profile. You may think you’re playfully expressing a preference, but really you’re fetishizing someone for his ethnicity.

Don’t femme-shame

Does being “masc” make him better in bed or a more loving potential boyfriend? Of course not. Here’s something I’ve learned from my years perusing various gay dating apps: if he says he’s only into “normal” or “straight-acting guys,” he isn’t worth your time. And in my experience, he’ll probably end up doing a Miss Vanjie impression after his third drink, anyway.

Relax your “preference” a bit

Look, no one can tell you what should or shouldn’t turn you on. We all have different tastes and that’s what makes sex and dating so exciting. But some of my most epic hook-ups have been with guys who don’t resemble the “type” I think I’m into. There was an older doctor whose bedroom had a mirrored ceiling and… well, I’ll try to keep this polite. All I’m saying is: it’s amazing what happens when you open your mind.

Include plenty of information on your profile

It just speeds everything up in the long run.

Don’t lie about your age

Sure, youth can be intoxicating, but so is a guy who’s been to a few rodeos and knows how to handle a bucking bronco. Whether you’re young, old, or somewhere in between, it’s always sexier when you own it.

Don’t describe yourself as “sorted”

Packages at the UPS depot are “sorted.” Human beings are not: We’re constantly-evolving works in progress who fuck up, fall down, and pick ourselves up again. Guys who call themselves “sorted” probably mean they’re financially stable and ready to settle down. Which is great, so just say it that way.

Think twice before calling yourself “easygoing”

Here’s the thing: most guys who reckon they’re “easygoing” really aren’t. I had “easygoing” on my profile until a second date where the guy made the mistake of suggesting Madonna was “too old” and “needed to put it away.” Reader, there would be no third date.

Consider the message your profile pic sends out

On some apps I use a butter-wouldn’t-melt face pic; on others I’m basically standing there in my boxer-briefs. It all goes back to “know what you came for.” Today’s gay dating app clichés include the rock climbing pic (“I’m outdoorsy!”), the handstand pic (“I’m fit and flexible!”), and the tropical beach pic (“I’ve traveled to fancy places!”). But be wary of choosing a pic where you’re posing with a celebrity. I remember chatting to a guy whose profile pic had him standing next to Sigourney Weaver. By the time I’d asked how he met her and whether she was nice IRL, it was tricky to pivot back to a sexier strand of chat.

Don’t judge someone who doesn’t have a profile pic

Obviously we all want to see who we’re chatting to, but there are so many reasons why a guy might prefer to remain anonymous, at least initially. Maybe he’s not out. Maybe he’s worried that being pegged as gay or bi could affect his personal or professional life. Maybe he’s deeply insecure about the way he looks. And sure, maybe he’s in a monogamous relationship and wants to cheat on the down-low. But there’s no harm in treading sensitively and giving someone the benefit of the doubt.

Don’t get despondent

Logging onto dating apps can be intimidating, especially if you’re somewhere like West Hollywood or Hell’s Kitchen where there’s a high proliferation of LGBTQ people. Sometimes you’re confronted by guy after guy who looks like he belongs in RuPaul’s pit crew. But unless you’re Antoni Porowski, there’s always someone conventionally “hotter” out there, and it’s honestly not a problem. Never presume what a guy might be “into” and remember that sooner or later, every coin catches its slot.

Don’t try too hard

Last week, a guy I matched with began the conversation by saying “Two facts and one lie about yourself—go!” It was stressful and a total turn-off—was I expected to be instantly witty on a Sunday morning? Honestly, it’s better to use a bland but friendly opener like “How’s your weekend going?” If you have chemistry, you’ll soon find a rhythm.

Try to enjoy yourself

It sounds corny AF, but if you’re having fun you’ll probably end up showing off your most endearing and infectious personality traits.

Be gracious when you bump into a past hook-up at the market

Given the things he did to you on the breakfast bar two days ago, a smile in the soap aisle at Trader Joe’s isn’t too much to ask for. In 2018, blanking people we’ve hooked up with is definitely not the gay agenda.

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Abby Anderson Used Her Dad's Dating Advice to Write 'Make Him Wait'

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Sometimes, listening to a parent’s rules can result in some greater meaning. For Abby Anderson, she remembered the life-long advice that her father constantly reminded her of to inspire her debut single.

Called “Make Him Wait,” Anderson always felt empowered when she knew her dad’s words were true when it came to romantic relationships. As one of seven kids, the rising star relied on the guidance to lead her down the right path in love and she knew it would make a great lyric one day.

“I think it was really important to both of my parents that they raise their daughters knowing what their value is and where their worth comes from. I just remember my dad always telling us, ‘Play hard to get. Make the boys work for it. Make him wait.’ Honestly, when we wrote that song that day, I just recalled everything my dad every taught me about dating and boys and put it in a song,” Anderson explained to Sounds Like Nashville over the phone recently.

Abby Anderson; Photo courtesy Black River Entertainment

Once the song came into fruition, Anderson started to play it for fans and friends alike, and the response blew her away with how many people connected to the message. Inspiring so many voices to speak up over their personal experiences in relation to “Make Him Wait,” Anderson revolutionized the conversation about empowerment that much further.

“I’ll get phone calls from my girlfriends talking about going out with these guys and they just feel like crap after,” Anderson revealed. “I’ll always tell them, ‘You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s not gonna make him like you any more.’ That was definitely in mind, but it’s been really cool to see the reaction from girls everywhere about, ‘Hey, Abby. I listened to your acoustic version on YouTube,’ that we put out, and hearing them say, ‘It just made me realize I’m worth it. I’m valued. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.” It’s been really cool.”

Anderson went right back to the source, though, for the most honest opinion of her single: her father. Even though she mentioned how masculine her dad is when it comes to everyday things, Anderson got him to break down emotionally over the song and she knew she did something right in that moment.

“I wanted him to hear it with me in the car. He listened to it and he’s Mr. Tough Guy, you know, so he was looking out the window, getting all teared up. It was a really cool moment. He didn’t want me to see him crying. My dad’s my best friend and honestly, I would not have written that song without him if I didn’t have a father like him. Kudos to my dad for sure,” she said.

Anderson’s debut song, “Make Him Wait,” is available digitally now.

Ted's Essential Advice: How long do I have to ask for stuff back after lending it out?

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Ted’s Essential Advice is a weekly advice column from For The Win’s Ted Berg, the nation’s foremost expert. To have your questions considered, tweet at him or emailAskTedBerg@gmail.com. 

Here we go:

You can’t. Five years? No way. Your friend is common-law married to that storage ottoman by now.

If he uses his storage ottoman anything like my wife and I use our storage ottoman, it’s a repository for stuff he doesn’t want to throw out but can’t find anywhere else to stash, which means your buddy now has a half-decade’s worth of random AC adaptors, unused home workout accessories, novelty gifts, loose change and important-seeming paperwork piled up in there. That lovely wooden chess set he bought in Mexico in 2014? It’s down there somewhere, and he’s not going to want to chuck it, but the board’s too wide to fit in the TV table.

In the long run, you might actually be doing your friend a favor by forcing him to part ways with all that stuff he has saved and clearly doesn’t need, but it would nonetheless be a huge pain in the neck.

You have every right to ask for it back, of course. You bought the ottoman.

It seems entirely reasonable to take up to a year to ask for any lent item back, but beyond that, I’d say the statute of limitations on requesting the return of lent furniture depends almost entirely on the cost and quality of the furniture. Assuming there’s no sentimental value to the stuff — and in the instance you’re loaning out stuff with real sentimental value, I you’d presumably note that upfront — then I’d use a guideline of about $150 per year. Does that seem right? That is to say: If the thing cost $300 or more, you have two years to ask for it back. If it was $450, you can take three years; you have four years to request the return of stuff costing $600 or more, and on and on.

You can adjust the financial particulars to your own situation, but by that math, you can really only ask for your storage ottoman back after five years if the storage ottoman is question cost $750 or more, which would be a really expensive storage ottoman. And if you’re a man who can drop a grand on a storage ottoman, do you really need to be putting your friend out to get your old one back?

The exception is if your friend isn’t using the ottoman in any meaningful way, but you’re going to have to scope that one out before you even begin to ask for it back. Play it cool like, “haha, hey, remember that ottoman I lent you in 2013? Whatever happened to that?” And if he’s like, “Oh, that’s my favorite ottoman, I’m resting my feet on it as we speak,” then let it go. But if he’s all, “Oh, that ugly thing? I think it’s in the basement under a pile of old VHS tapes,” then it’s all yours.

Is it wrong to mislead a date about your age?

Honestly? I feel like the only thing wrong with it is that she’s worried enough to mislead him.

Dating always involves some spin, so if it’s nothing serious and they’re both consenting adults and there’s no predatory or manipulative behavior involved, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to sort of vaguely avoid the topic of when, exactly, you graduated high school or whatever. But if they’re serious, or getting serious, and there’s mutual attraction and admiration, and everyone involved has full capacity to make adult decisions, then it just shouldn’t matter how old either of them is.

Right? This is unfamiliar territory for me, as I’ve never been on either side of a romantic relationship with a big age gap. But it seems like your real age is the type of thing that’s always going to come out eventually, and, more importantly, like you shouldn’t even want to be in a relationship with someone who’d reject you for it.

I love talking to people about different experiences we have had due to being born at different times! People just 10 years younger than me don’t remember life before the internet, and people just 10 years older than me might have seen the Talking Heads play live. It’s wild. If she’s honest with the guy and he can’t handle it, then he’s probably not worth hanging out with anyway.

, , Advice

Dating after divorce: 7 divorcees and dating gurus share their advice

  Dating Advice, Relationships

Dating after divorce: 7 divorcees and dating gurus share their advice

Dating after divorce: Goodbye meeting in dodgy nightclubs, hello dating apps (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Life happens in stages.

At first it seems like everyone is moving in together then getting married and having babies.

But, sadly, there is another stage in life which a lot also sadly go through – divorce.

If you have come to the end of a long term relationship and are ready to start dating again the whole thing might seem confusing.

Gone are the days of meeting people at your hometown’s dodgy nightclub or at uni and here comes a load of new dating apps and terms (ghosting? Benching? Stashing?) which can leave you feeling bamboozled.

Dating experts and divorcees are here to help with tips and advice.

1. Psychologist Rachel Hard

Dating after divorce: 7 divorcees and dating gurus share their advice

Figure out who you are (Illustration by Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

After divorce it’s incredibly important for both parties to redefine who they are as an individual.

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They will have spent a long period of time being part of a couple of developed a sense of self intertwined with this partnership.

So it’s important to do some work to figure out: who am I? What do I like? What don’t i like? What do I want from life?

It’s also recognising that separation can be experienced similarly to grief and loss.

The person might not have passed away, but it’s important to acknowledge the distress of losing something significant.

You can grieve the loss of control, connection, change of circumstances, sense of self and also the potential for what might have been.

28 things I wish I knew before I went to Disney World in FloridaSo it’s about taking time to really centre, and figure oneself out before diving back in to the dating pool.

Otherwise it’s easy to commit the same mistakes and patterns when choosing a partner.

Having children is another element. It can be incredibly hard not to involve them in the distress and hurt of a divorce.

But keeping things civil with the ex-partner and being open with them (as developmentally appropriate) when it’s time to start dating again is incredibly important.

Everyone is different when it comes to what they feel comfortable sharing, but being open with your children will remediate some possible ill will towards a new partner.

2. Derek, divorced for three years

**ILLUSTRATION REQUEST** Shadowing is the awful new dating trend you should know about – XX women share their stories (Almara)

You snooze, you lose (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

First of all if you match up with them then don’t be shy – step up and message them.

‘Hi how are you?’ is often not good enough so try and engage a conversation about asking about their interests or try some humour at least to make them laugh and gain their attention!

Don’t conduct a Spanish inquisition on dating apps but do make sure you are looking compatible before exchanging numbers.

*illustration request* 2. What is hypoactive sexual desire disorder?What is hypersexual disorder and how does it affect you?

You may have already sussed them out enough to have made the first move based on their dating profile but some people give away very little on their profile so you’ll have to ask questions about interests, ideal dates, places to go etc.

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It’s likely they’ve got kids if they’re divorced/separated and using an app so one of the key issues to clear up is ‘Do your weekends sync up?’.

By this I mean if you both have kids on the same weekend you’ll also have free weekends at the same time so that’s a great start.

Matches who are unlucky not to have this same chance situation will have to work harder to see each other!

If you’re satisfied there’s a chance you’ll hit it off then swap numbers and let the whatsapping begin – don’t delay – you snooze you lose in my experience – many people seem to hedge their bets and may have other guys’ numbers too.

3. Sigurd Vedal, CEO of Digisec Media which runs NextLove social network for divorcees

How you can support a friend with BPD (Picture: Phébe Lou Morson for Metro.co.uk)

Friends can give you good advice (Picture: Phébe Lou Morson for Metro.co.uk)

Dating after divorce or a break up from a long term relationship is hard, people are trying to find themselves and get back on track with their lifes.

Taking the first step is the most difficult thing according to our users’ feedback, but once they have decided to start dating, self confidence is key.

Some of those people recently divorced just haven’t dated in ages, which means their flirting skills are quite rusty.

I recommend them to share openly their concerns with colleagues, family members or friends who date often.

This will help a lot, being able to ‘steal’ some success techniques from them.

Reading blog posts or listening to some podcasts are other things I recommend.

4. Steve, 18 months separated

Dating after divorce: 7 divorcees and dating gurus share their advice

Be mindful of what you post on social media – you don’t know who’s looking (Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

A pub, bar or cafe is most popular for a first date and first impressions do count so open the door, pull out a chair for her, order (and pay for) the drinks (or at least offer!) – chivalry is not dead.

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If it goes well and then let them know when you get home and take it from there – secure the second date.

Also, everyone tries to figure out your Facebook or Insta account from the information you give them so make sure there’s nothing embarrassing on there.

People will ask your history but no-one wants to hear too much about your ex so get to the point and reassure them you’re over it and are looking to the future.

5. Sex and relationship therapist Lianne Young

people tell us the things people said during sex that instantly killed the mood

Be honest (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Start looking back on how much fun you have had previously while dating – the surprises, little gestures, kissing and excitement.

Hopefully this will get you excited about dating again.

Dating is easier now than it was 20 years ago.

Always be honest with yourself and with your date. If you don’t want any/more children then don’t date someone who is looking to have children of their own.

Know what you want and don’t lie about it because their profile photo looks fab.

If you’re happy to take on other people’s kids, say so. If not, say so.

Don’t lie – it will just come back to haunt you in the end.

6. Veronica, 15 years divorced

Dating after divorce: 7 divorcees and dating gurus share their advice

Don’t dream of a happy ever after even before you’ve had your first date (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Don’t be too trusting.

Especially on dating sites because some men who use it are married and want their egos boosted or are double dating to keep their options open.

Don’t just use dating apps, join classes where you may meet someone with the same interests.

The most important thing after divorce is to find yourself and like yourself.

For me, my friends are important and I have a great circle so if I meet someone along the way, great, but, if not, nothing changes.

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Dating after divorce: 7 divorcees and dating gurus share their advice

Have a good circle of friends (Picture: Ella Byworth)

First things first you need to get to grips with how you view your previous relationships and dating experiences.

If you’re that person that views them as failed experiences or romantic encounters how about reframing that story – how about telling yourself that those experiences and people that entered your life for a reason.

If you are not feeling so confident it’s time to get boosting your self-esteem and how you feel within you – get moving physically and your mindset will start to shift with a boost of those much-needed endorphins.

If you’re not feeling so good about your wardrobe get yourself to one of the large department stores – most people don’t realise that visiting a personal shopper/stylist in these places is often complimentary.

Ask yourself: What do I want? Why am I here? Am I marriage-minded, am I looking for a long-term relationship? Am I ready for my next significant relationship? Do I want to build a family?

Make a list of all the qualities and attributes you would like in a partner.

This is your opportunity to get really honest and transparent with yourself about what you want in a match.

Sarah Louise Ryan is hosting Love Lesson: Dating After Divorce workshop in a London West End Theatre this June. Date TBC with details on her website.

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