Relationships Talk

You know the saying, ‘Comedians tell the truth (that no one has the guts to tell)’? We’ve found some seriously enlightening stand-up lines from two of our faves, Joey Rasdien and Jason Goliath. On the one end, Rasdien is a 41-year single guy (and father) and on the other end is Goliath who declares that he has just found ‘the one’.

Both of them, in their irreverent (and explicit) way, tell us a thing or two about dating, relationships, and sex:

1. Understand the Error Of Parallax

“The error of parallax means that if you look from the top it looks like there’s more in. That’s why when chicks take photos for Instagram, they take it from the top so the double chin is gone and all you see is titties.” – Joey Rasdien

2. Kama Sutra for who?

“When I date a woman, I tell them straight, forget about eight-hundred Kama Sutra moves… I’ve got four moves that I’m f*ken amazing at. After those four moves you’ll tap out one, two, three and after four, you’ll be done!” – Jason Goliath

3. What’s the secret to a lasting marriage?

“If you’re married, you’ll agree that the major secret is making love. Sex is the thing. We live for routine and sex has become a part of that routine. I know people who only p*mp on a Sunday. Ladies can get away with murder on a Sunday cause if he messes it up, the cookie closes.” – Jason Goliath

4. This is not a drag race, it’s a road trip.

“Guys, we’ve got to take our time, women are not like us. Just because she says ‘now’, doesn’t mean she’s ready [for sex]. Just be committed to getting her there and she’ll tell you when she’s ready.” – Jason Goliath

5. After the deed…

“You are not done gents. You have to pull her closer to you. Let her feel that you appreciate this that she has allowed and shared with you. Then pull her even closer and let her feel that your heart is racing too.” – Jason Goliath

Watch Joey Rasdien Live At the Lyric Theatre here and Goliath Live At The Lyric Theatre here.

Be warned: Take their advice at your own risk. Prepare to rewind, laugh and repeat.

The only thing better than this advice is the fact that you can stream these and other incredible shows on Showmax – when the kids are sleeping.

Got DStv Premium? Showmax is available at no extra cost. Got DStv Compact or Compact Plus? Get Showmax for just R49. Don’t have either? Sign up for a 14-day free trial now.

Make dating fun again.

When it comes to that all-important first date after matching online or on an app, it’s totally normal to feel a little nervous. Where do you go? What should you talk about? What can you expect? 

No matter how well you think you get along with someone online, everyone knows that nothing really happens until you get in front of each other on a first date. That’s when you’ll find out if there is enough chemistry to lead to romance — which is why this first interaction can put a lot of pressure on both people.

But your first date will go well if you remember just one thing: This isn’t even a date. 

That’s right. The first time you take things offline and into the real world, you’re simply sharing an experience. This alone should relieve the pressure caused by first date nerves right away.  

Here are 4 other ways to help calm your first date nerves, so you can show him your best self the first time you meet in person:

1. Make your first date an activity, rather than a dinner.

Now that you’re in the mindset that this first meeting is an experience and not an interview, where do you go?

Here’s a handy tip: Use all those pre-date messages to express what a fun date is for you and ask him what it means to him. Get this out of the way early on so you both have a picture of what would be an enjoyable time out for both of you.

What you don’t want to do is the default dinner or coffee date because when you sit opposite each other, then you’re back to the interview. Instead, pick a place that will let you walk and talk at the same time, and that will provide readily available talking points. It’s the connection that’s important, not what you do.  

Do something cheap: the park, zoo, a promenade, or the museum. All of these will give you ample things to look at and chat about, all while creating a fun, shared experience that will be memorable for both of you… and open the door for a heart connection.

2. Know it’s not about what you say; it’s about how you say it.

If you’re worried you might not say the right things to him, don’t. Connecting with a man is not about cerebral conversation and impressing him with your wit. It’s about letting him see your feelings — your feminine self in all its glory.

When he experiences you experiencing your feelings, it intrigues him. He sees that you’re comfortable being yourself and so he lets down his guard and feels that it’s okay to be himself, too.

When you only convey thoughts rather than feelings, you can end up creating a non-romantic situation. You might connect with him on an intellectual level, but you won’t connect with his heart.

This doesn’t mean you need to hide how smart you are. On the contrary, it means you share more of what you love about your life. In order to have a sensory experience about something, you have to know about it.  

So if you’re a biochemist, express how passionate you are about making a difference in people’s lives — whatever it is about your career that keeps you motivated. When you stick to feelings, you keep the meeting from turning into an interview.

RELATED: 5 Stress-Free Places To Meet For A First Date

3. Let go of expectations so you don’t get ahead of yourself.

One of the things that make first meetings so nerve-wracking is how much stock we place in them. So don’t! Even though it might be hard not to think about the future and whether this date might be the one to end all first dates, stay grounded in the present moment.

It might be tempting to discuss things like marriage and children, especially when you’ve had good rapport with someone online. But let him lead any future talk. Take the pressure off yourself by letting him initiate any such discussions. Doing so gives you the advantage of truly seeing where his mind is at and what he thinks of you.

He’ll find it refreshing that you’re not pummeling him with questions (there’s that interview again), and instead, he’ll feel that he can just relax and get to know you.

That’s when he’ll feel safe enough to open his heart.

4. Don’t say goodbye if you want to see him again. 

If you want to see him again, don’t end the evening with a handshake or a hug. If you like him, let him kiss you. Just let it happen. Make that your rule instead of the no-kiss rule because you want to establish a romantic feel to your interactions with him from the outset.

But what if you’re not really feeling it for him? I say always give a guy at least two dates, especially since the first one isn’t really a date! If you decide he really isn’t for you, keep it simple and gracious. Say, “Thank you for a nice time. I enjoyed meeting you, but I feel we’re not a match.”

Every man who comes into your life has something to teach you and every one of them gets you a step closer to your Mr. Right.

RELATED: 4 Things You Can Learn About A Guy By Kissing Him On The First Date

Rori Raye is a trained relationship coach who’s helped thousands of women transform their love lives. For more dating and relationship advice, subscribe to her free newsletter.