Relationships Talk

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“You don’t lose your girl, you just lose your turn.” That phrase has been said about many small towns and states, and often it is said here. It may not be the best description of how things work, but it is true that relationships in Alaska are different. Not just in reference to dating and sex; all interpersonal associations are affected by our geographic location. Perhaps it is because during the winters we spend so much more time inside, or because everyone in Alaska is connected somehow, and perhaps it is because no matter your conflict, you are guaranteed to run into people again.

We are a group of individuals with varying degrees of expertise when it comes to the complicated issues surrounding person-to-person contact. Some have studied and obtained degrees, some teach weekly classes on these subjects, and some of us have just dated a lot, or come from very large families. Each week, this column will seek to answer questions that have been presented to us in the best manner we know how. Let’s see what people want to know this week.

I met someone on a local private kink Facebook page and I was told that she was in an open relationship. We started talking and hanging out, and we were sleeping together for a little over a month. She then told me that she had broken up with her partner, and things started to get heavier. Today I received a friend request and Facebook message from a guy that saying that the girl is his partner of two years, and that they have a completely monogamous relationship. I feel like I have been helping her cheat on him, and now I am distrustful of the kink and polyamorous culture here in Alaska.

-Jaded

Thanks for writing in, Jaded. Even without having more insight into your question, there is a lot to go through. There is a common thread that your entire question boils down to though; personal responsibility. First, you seem like you are wanting to hold the entire kink and polyamorous culture in Alaska responsible for the actions of one person. Please don’t do that. Kink and poly communities around the world do not abide by cheating. It violates so many of the values and ethics that those groups subscribe to.

Next is her responsibility. Going just off what you asked, it sounds like someone is being lied to. If in fact, she was in a monogamous relationship the entire time, she is the one responsible for cheating. She lied to you about her relationship being open, and she lied about her relationship ending. Now, there is always the possibility that she isn’t in a relationship with this other guy, or that he sees whatever relationship they have as being more than it is. These are all possibilities, but we do not have this information based off the question as you asked it. We hope that when this other guy messaged, that you both took the time to have a conversation like adults, about the person who was doing the cheating, and compare notes, since you both got played against each other.

Now we come to the third part, your responsibility. Ethical non-monogamy is the umbrella term that polyamory, open relationships, fuck buddies, and all these other types of dating, that are not one on one, fall into. It is the ethical part that is important. If someone is practicing ethical non-monogamy correctly, that means that all partners are aware of boundaries. If you meet someone who is in an open relationship, you should be able to ask them for proof that their partner is aware of what is about to happen. This could look like you meet their primary partner before you go out on a date with them, or it could be a text sent directly to you from said partner, clearly stating the boundaries of the relationship.

The fact that you are upset by the cheating means that your ethics are in the right place. It is your responsibility to take it one step further and request proof of the open relationship to avoid future conflict. When it comes to the very fun world of open play and polyamory, everyone is responsible for due diligence.

How do you have a healthy, successful relationship without losing yourself in the process?

-Independently Committed

So, you didn’t mention what type of relationship, so we are going to assume that you are talking about dating. However, the same advice applies to all types of connections that you make with other humans.

Far too often, people make the mistake of thinking that they are looking for their other half, or the person that is going to complete them. This mistake is an automatic red flag, and usually will end in failure. If you are not already a whole person, you are not ready to start dating. We should not be searching for someone to complete us, but rather someone that will fit into the rich, fun, messy life that we already have in place. If you have parts of yourself missing, there is no relationship that is going to fix you. If the person that you are is defined by the person you are with, and that person goes away, there will be nothing left of you.

The same can be said of the relationships between mothers and children, or best friends, or anything else. If you have a child, and being that humans mother becomes your only identity, you stop growing as a person, you stop having other relationships, and when that child grows up and sets out on a life of its own, you will be lost. If your likes, dislikes, and choices are dictated solely based on what your friends will think, you are a puppet.

Become a whole person first, and then worry about everyone else in your world. Find the person that compliments your life, not the person that completes it. The reality is, relationships end. Make sure that there is enough of you to keep going when they do.

If you have a question for the us, send an email and we will answer it the best way this committee of whole humans know how to. lastfrontierdating@outlook.com

Are you ready for “Dating Sunday“?

This Sunday, Jan. 6, has been named “Dating Sunday,” or the busiest dating day of the year on dating apps and sites due to the spike in people signing in that day to find love.

Match predicts there will be a 69 percent spike in new singles coming to the app that day looking for dates and that over 1.5 million messages will be sent.

No matter where you are on the dating spectrum, a new, casual or endless swiper, you want to make sure that you’re doing all you can so that you’re standing out from the rest, steering your own profile as far away as possible from that dreaded left swipe.

Not all profiles are created equally. Here are nine easy tips to make your dating profile stand out and shine to make this year your year of love.

1. Nail the first impression

The first impression? It’s everything. It’s obvious but worth repeating that your profile photos should be clear and centered, vibrant and the epitome of you in one image. According to New York Times bestselling author and dating expert Matthew Hussey, you want to “make sure your first photo is a close-up.” He adds that you should “include one full-body photo.” If potential admirers aren’t wowed by your first photo, they will never make it to the rest of your profile. Depending on some apps or devices, you may not even know you’ve been cropped out of a frame. Other times, you may not realize which photo is even being presented as your first in your profile. Seeing half of someone’s face or cut-off body is a bummer -– you can do better. For selfies, don’t forget the basics: good, crisp light from the front and get that high angle.

2. Max out photos in your profile
Show off as much of you as you are allowed. If a person really likes what they see, they hope the next photo will reveal more of your personality. Not all sites and apps have this sort of limit, but for those that do, post a variety of images of yourself and make sure each photo is very different from the others. Post where you’ve been and what you like to do; show that you can dress up and show you can dress down. Hussey’s take here is to “use several photos of you in different situations” rather than a selection of selfies, to vary things up. Upload as many images as the app or site will allow.

3. Do not post group photos
No one cares about your friends. You’re match-making — your profile should be all about you. The endless switching back and forth through photos before and after a group photo trying to figure out who in the picture matches the profile, it’s a senseless task no one should be subjected to. What’s worse, you don’t want to be the one that someone doesn’t find the most attractive in a group photo. If you’re wanting to signal to potential suitors what kind of company you surround yourself with, that really comes later — your goal right now is to match and spark a conversation, and eventually an IRL meeting.

4. Write just enough about yourself
Your life story does not belong here. In truth, dating profiles should be an immediate snapshot of who you are and what you’re doing with your life right now. Where you came from, literally speaking, like your hometown or state or country, can be included, but that’s it. Your journey to how you became the awesome person that you are today belongs to conversation for later dates (hopefully). While you want to fill out as much as possible to let people know as much about you, don’t write a novel. Be pithy, be witty and most of all, don’t overthink it. Leave some room for the other to inquire and spark genuine interest with you.

5. Be up-front
Is this a fling or are we a thing? Make up your mind going into it with what you are wanting out of dating online. And it’s okay to say, you don’t know what you’re looking for; saying you’re open for whatever comes your way is honest and up-front just the same. Whether you’re on looking for a hookup or a longer-term relationship, honesty on your part here will go a long way before someone catches feeling for no reason. One of the worst things ever is to match and have great conversation, only to find out you have two very conflicting priorities. Annoying. Don’t waste your time matching for the wrong reasons. Being up-front also comes with a caveat, Hussey adds. You should remain optimistic and positive here: “If you’re going to say you want something serious, frame it in a positive way rather than a negative one. You don’t want to come across as bitter or jaded.”

6. When in doubt, just swipe right
If you find yourself on the fence of like versus dislike, always make the first move — into the unknown. Hussey joins me in saying you should “be very open-minded in the first stage,” reiterating that “too many people are way too judgmental, too quick about silly things and miss out on great guys because of it. You can always be selective later on after you match.” Always leave room for possibility, rather than not. Where there’s an ounce of interest, see it through. This may not revamp your immediate profile, but it may revamp who and how you match, leaving you more optimistic about your daily plight of the swipe. Have the courage to be bold and make the first move. You just never know.

7. Have a friend look over your profile
“Girl, you look busted in that photo.” You need this honesty in your life. Good friends will never be more honest with you than judging how you present yourself to potential lovers. They are that safe space of second sets of opinions that may get your profile to really shine, while also bringing you back to reality if needed.

8. Try a paid app or site version
Don’t take this as trying to buy love, but rather putting yourself out there. In most cases, a paid version means you are being presented to a wider pool of fish in the pond. In other instances, you’re given the ability to like or message with an unlimited batch of matches. You can even undo that dreaded, “No, come back, I didn’t mean to do that.” Use a trial version and scope out the benefits of how paid versions between sites and apps can give you an extra boost from time to time. Treat yourself.

Final tip:
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, and try to always be optimistic. “Sounding angry or judgmental is always a turn-off,” Hussey tells me. And he agrees with me when I say, at the end of the day, just. have. fun.

Editor’s note: This piece was originally published on Aug. 1, 2018.

I’ve had my fair share of failed attempts with online dating.

I always thought maybe it was because of my careless attempt to choose good pictures, my lack of confidence when it came to starting a conversation, my picky taste, or maybe because it was just me – I was not right-swipe worthy.

While it was probably a combination of everything I was doing that resulted in nothing but failure, now there’s news that it may have all been because I’m a Sagittarius.

Dating app Jaumo did some serious digging into their database to find out which zodiac signs attract the most interest from potential users.

The Jaumo team used data from its 40 million users and tallied up the number of likes received by mates from each of the 12 star signs.

It’s good news if you’re a Scorpio as they took out first place – scooping up 12.12 per cent of all “likes”, which makes them 74 per cent more successful than those at the bottom.

Librans came in second place with just under 10 per cent.

So who placed last? Yes, poor old Sagittarians with only seven per cent, with Aquarius taking out the second last place with 7.17 per cent.

Here’s the list of the 12 star signs and the number of “likes” received from users:

1. Scorpio: 12.12%
2. Libra: 9.95%
3. Virgo: 8.72%
4. Cancer: 8.46%
5. Leo: 8.38%
6. Taurus: 7.94%
7. Gemini: 7.88%
8. Aries: 7.6%
9. Pisces: 7.55%
10. Capricorn: 7.27%
11. Aquarius: 7.17%
12. Sagittarius: 6.96%

The research also found that Scorpios, Capricorns and Librans match most frequently with all zodiac signs. It implies those born when the stars were aligned with these zodiac signs are luckier in love – especially when it comes to online dating.

Oh well, probs explains why my good mate T-Swift and I will remain single. Forever.

Like this? This is how to tell if someone is into you in less than 2 minutes flat. Plus, these are the 7 types of men every woman has dated, according to a relationship expert.