Relationships Talk

Gen Prem Tinsulanonda was last involved formally in politics just over 30 years ago. Last week, he climbed back into the ring for just a few moments. That was long enough to give good advice, from experience and from the heart, to the current prime minister. Gen Prayut Chan-o-cha has said often that Gen Prem is his mentor. He would be wise, then, to take Gen Prem’s advice to heart, because if he ignores it he could be courting danger.

The advice was short and sweet: People with different views are not enemies and should not be treated as foes. And he does know. Gen Prem was prime minister of Thailand for twice as long as Gen Prayut has served, with less than half the disputes. No democrat desires a military leader, but everyone admits Gen Prem earned his title of “statesman”. The 98-year-old president of the Privy Council made no attempt to keep political power when he left the prime minister’s post to an elected, civilian regime in 1988.

Gen Prayut has placed himself on a different path. He now aims to shed the military power he used to grab and hold power. Unlike Gen Prem, he has no current ambition of becoming an ex-prime minister. He has raised considerable concern with the means and manner he is employing to transit from head of the military regime to head of a civil government. Strong opposition voices are already being heard against this ambition. If he follows Gen Prem’s advice, he will take the criticism graciously and deal with it professionally — not personally.

Just two days before Gen Prem spoke to Gen Prayut, an extremely critical voice from the past was heard. MR Pridiyathorn Devakula, better known as “Mom Oui”, appears to bear an animus against the prime minister, dating back to his dismissal as economic chief in 2015. His treatise of “Eight reasons why I do not want Gen Prayut to return as prime minister” is pretty much the sort of attack, from a political foe, that Gen Prem was referring to. Just as his mentor advised, Gen Prayut needs to treat such an attack in a reasoned way. MR Pridiyathorn is opposed to Gen Prayut’s politics and organisation. He also is a loyal citizen.

According to the statesman, Gen Prayut must see such people as friends. Different views are natural; harsh language is a given in politics. To his credit, Gen Prayut immediately took heed of Gen Prem’s advice. He told a meeting of the armed forces commanders on Friday that when confronting political personalities, they must treat them as friends.

The discouraging part of Gen Prayut’s instructions to the supreme commander and the chiefs of the police, army, navy and air force was the prime minister’s order to confront people.

Gen Prayut’s order on Friday was for soldiers, sailors, airmen and police to “enter all areas and meet the people”. Ostensibly, they are to listen to the problems of residents. Of course, the plan reeks of pro-regime electioneering.

Gen Prem does not have advice covering this situation. When he left the premiership, the departure was clean. Prime Minister Prayut, on the other hand, is attempting what too many predecessors of his achieved — remaining in power while in control of an elected legislature.

It is a positive development that Gen Prayut has taken the experienced word of his mentor. On the other hand, it is disappointing that he is twisting the words and actions of the widely respected Privy Council president. Gen Prayut’s continued use of the military for his personal political goals will endear him to few, and indeed to no Thai who wishes democracy for his or her nation.

The Office of Personnel Management (OPM) said Saturday that a tweet was posted “inadvertently” suggesting federal employees furloughed because of the ongoing government shutdown should negotiate with landlords and creditors.

OPM told The Washington Post in a statement that the advice was a “legacy document” dating back to a 2013 shutdown when the agency had attempted to “provide a set of templates and information” for government employees.

“OPM – itself acting with limited resources during the furlough period – inadvertently posted a legacy document from the 2013 shutdown. Although most federal employees have yet to miss a paycheck, OPM recognizes that many employees are concerned about the financial implications of a continued lapse,” the statement reads.

“As such, OPM sought to provide a set of templates and information that could be used proactively by employees to address potential financial challenges, in the event that Congress does not resolve the lapse in appropriations before the end of the next pay cycle,” it continues.

Last week, OPM tweeted a link to “sample letters” for employees to use “as a guide when working with your creditors.”

“Feds, here are sample letters you may use as a guide when working with your creditors during this furlough. If you need legal advice please consult with your personal attorney,” the office tweeted.

Feds, here are sample letters you may use as a guide when working with your creditors during this furlough. If you need legal advice please consult with your personal attorney. https://t.co/t6h6OzALsS

— OPM (@USOPM) December 27, 2018

The federal government has been in a partial shutdown since Dec. 22 because of disagreements between lawmakers over President TrumpDonald John TrumpCharting a roadmap for North Korea Trump claims ‘wall’ around Obamas’ DC home is ‘same thing’ as border wall Graham: Trump ‘open-minded’ to wedding border funding to DACA protections MORE‘s demand for funding for a wall along the southern border.

WASHINGTON (AP) — For Trump supporters looking for love, Washington, D.C., can be an unfriendly place, the founder of a new dating app for conservatives says.

Christy Edwards Lawton, the woman behind the app Righter, said Trump staffers have told her they get rejected again and again on most dating apps. “If you voted for Trump, swipe left” pops up on profiles.

Lawton said D.C. Trump supporters regularly tell her that when they go on internet dates in a city where just 4 percent of residents voted for the president, they’re sometimes nervous about discussing politics.

“There’s been a fear and trepidation when you actually do meet of, ‘When do I tell them I voted for Trump?’” Lawton said.

To help single Trump supporters find partners with “conservative, Christian and American values,” Righter launched this week.

Lawton, a Jackson Hole, Wyoming, resident originally from Los Angeles, said she conceived of the app last year after a conversation she had with a “model-beautiful” woman at a party in Manhattan. The woman said she thought she couldn’t find a boyfriend in New York because she’s a Republican, Lawton said.

With 10 years experience as a professional matchmaker, Lawton said she realized she could help.

Righter is designed for people looking for serious, monogamous relationships. The company urges “gentlemen to act like gentlemen” and “ladies to act like ladies.”

In an interview Thursday, Lawton pushed back against the notion that she would sue liberals who used the app, as The Daily Beast reported that she said. Rather, she said the app has a “three strikes and you’re out” policy regarding harassment of any kind.

The app is free, but there are paid premium options. A Luxe upgrade for $9.99 per month gives a user unlimited “likes” and special “MAGA likes” to show someone you’re especially interested. Veterans get the Luxe upgrade for free.

For $29.99 per month, members get access to Righter Medical, where they can get confidential online medical advice from doctors. Lawton said men have expressed particular interest in having an easy way to ask questions about sexual performance and more.

A number of young conservatives told Washingtonian earlier this year that dating across party lines in D.C. was a struggle. A reporter for a conservative media company told the magazine he took a woman home and she bolted after checking out his bookshelf.

“She was like, ‘Oh no. First question: Did you vote for Trump?’,” the reporter said. He told her he did not but that he was conservative. “She was like ‘I have to get out of here. I can’t see you,’ and left.”

When Lawton was asked if she believed in love across party lines, she wasn’t so sure.

Ten years ago, when she first met the man who is now her husband, she spotted a Barack Obama bobblehead in his home.

“I am so sorry. I don’t think we can date,” she told him.

He laughed and, to her relief, told her he only had it as a joke.

Sharing the same politics with her partner was crucial, Lawton said.

“For me it’s an ideology, a philosophy,” she said.

Copyright © 2018 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, written or redistributed.

Updated 11 hours ago

D ear Carolyn:

Is it advisable for a never-married man with no kids to get involved with a single mother? I know it’s never a good idea to generalize, but the answer I hear most often is an emphatic no, for many reasons. The main one is the man will always be a lower priority than the woman’s children, and there’s also potential drama with the woman’s ex. There is also the asymmetry in life experiences of a single mother and a never-married man with no kids.

— Dating

I advise your own advice: “It’s never a good idea to generalize.”

(1) Millions of children live with their biological mother and a stepfather. Do you really think they’re an “emphatic” 0-for-millions on happiness ever after?

(2) Couples who have children, however they get there, always accept some responsibility for making that child a higher priority — than themselves, much less a partner. A minor child’s last line of defense in the world is the adult guardian. Sometimes the circumstances and the child’s needs dictate that Mom overrules Dad, Dad overrules Mom, spouse overrules spouse, or one or both parents overrule their own needs.

If your goal is to be somebody’s undisputed No. 1, then that’s valid — but then, don’t be a parent, step- or otherwise.

(3) “Amicable” and “split” do sometimes agree to be seen together in the same sentence. Some exes also are mature enough or drama-averse enough to be co-parents without dysfunction.

(4) Asymmetry happens. Do you love the mom? Do you want to be a parent to her kids? Are you humble enough to admit what you don’t know (and cough give up certainties and generalizations), invested enough to learn and flexible enough to withstand jagged ups and downs without losing your nerve? Mind? OK then.

Please know, I have zero interest in talking anyone into being a parent or stepparent. It has to be what you want, fully and freely.

•••

Dear Carolyn:

Whenever I am quiet or thinking or distracted or frustrated, my wife asks if I’m mad at her. If I say no — well, I’m not — it might become, “Why are you mad?” or “I feel like you’re mad at me.”

I feel trapped in a no-win situation. Yes, I’ve told her that. She says she knows I’m not mad, but it’s almost reflexive. Her first husband was angry all the time and quite controlling.

— Don’t Know How
to Respond

I hope she will consider therapy to retrain those reflexes. She escaped the controlling marriage, yay for her, but some ghosts came with her. Good cognitive behavioral therapy might help her spot them sooner and shoo them away.

Do recommend it to her, but choose a moment with some pleasant distance from your last, “Why are you mad?”/“I’m not mad” dance. Then say you feel bad that she has these reflexive doubts and encourage her to dismantle them.

In the meantime, or if she refuses, upgrade your communication. Instead of, “I’m not mad” — which verges on gas-lighting if she’s right that you’re out of sorts, and only wrong about the reason — give her validation and an explanation. First, generally: “It’s not you.” And then, specifics: “I am quiet because/thinking about/distracted by/frustrated over (true reason here).”

Then, where practical, recruit her as an ally: Ask her to join you for a coffee break, or read something aloud to see what she thinks, or describe your obstacle and ask for her ideas, etc. Inclusion is worth a thousand words.

•••

Dear Carolyn:

As a little girl, I asked my mother if Santa is real or fantasy, and she chose to say he really exists. A few hours later, I found out he is fantasy. I felt betrayed and never trusted my mother ever again. It did permanent harm.

When I had sons, I told them from the beginning that Santa is make-believe, and it’s nice to pretend he really exists. I think it is plain stupid to let children believe in something that is not true.

— B.

Fair enough. I was uncomfortable with it as a mom myself. But humor me: How (emotionally) smart is it to hold a lifelong grudge against someone for, at worst, a clumsy attempt to extend your childhood innocence a little bit longer? She didn’t make it all up herself just to mess with your head.

Maybe in the spirit of also-made-up Baby New Year, embrace rebirth and forgive her. In your heart if not out loud.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.