Relationships Talk

By CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn: Is it advisable for a never-married man with no kids to get involved with a single mother? I know it’s never a good idea to generalize, but the answer I hear most often is an emphatic no, for many reasons. The main one is the man will always be a lower priority than the woman’s children, and there’s also potential drama with the woman’s ex. There is also the asymmetry in life experiences of a single mother and a never-married man with no kids.

— Dating

Hax: I advise your own advice: “It’s never a good idea to generalize.”

(1) Millions of children live with their biological mother and a stepfather. Do you really think they’re an “emphatic” 0-for-millions on happiness ever after?

(2) Couples who have children, however they get there, always accept some responsibility for making that child a higher priority — than themselves, much less a partner. A minor child’s last line of defense in the world is the adult guardian. Sometimes the circumstances and the child’s needs dictate that Mom overrules Dad, Dad overrules Mom, spouse overrules spouse, or one or both parents overrule their own needs. Should you become a stepfather, you might have to prioritize your stepchild’s needs over the mother’s/your wife’s. That’s parenthood.

If your goal is to be somebody’s undisputed No. 1, then that’s valid — but then, don’t be a parent, step- or otherwise.

(3) “Amicable” and “split” do sometimes agree to be seen together in the same sentence. Some exes also are mature enough or drama-averse enough to be co-parents without dysfunction.

(4) Asymmetry happens. Do you love the mom? Do you want to be a parent to her kids? Are you honorable? Are you humble enough to admit what you don’t know (and (cough) give up certainties and generalizations), invested enough to learn, and flexible enough to withstand jagged ups and downs without losing your nerve? Mind? OK then.

Please know, I have zero interest in talking anyone into being a parent or stepparent. It has to be what you want, fully and freely.

But that’s why it’s so important for you to think it through carefully, and choose. What you “hear” only counts if you’re just looking for an out.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at 9 a.m. Pacific time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

(c) 2018, Washington Post Writers Group

WHY is it that some people have super-high self-confidence, no matter what their abilities, and yet so many of us struggle to big ourselves up at all?

“Many women downplay their success because they’re afraid their ambition will intimidate potential partners,” explains Amy Morin, psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Women Don’t Do.

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It’s important to dial down your inner critic and become your own cheerleader

“A study found that 64% of single women said they feared asking for a raise or a promotion because they would look too ambitious.”

“I think it’s a British thing to downplay your accomplishments, and women particularly don’t want to be seen as ‘too much’,” says Viv Groskop, author of Own The Room.

“We tend to judge ourselves way more harshly than we judge other people. But one of the best New Year’s resolutions anyone can set is to dial down their inner critic and become their own cheerleader.”

So here’s how to make 2019 the year of you – that’s the super-confident, swishy-haired, IDGAF you.

Working it

Alamy

Lack of self-belief isn’t just holding back your career, it’s also costing you money

We all know that person who has the whole office eating out of the palm of their hand and gets promotion after promotion. A lack of self-belief isn’t just holding back your career, it’s costing you money – UK women still earn less than men.

So how can you find Sheryl-Sandberg-esque confidence?

Ask for more: “Men are four times more likely than women to ask for a pay rise – and when women do ask, we typically request 30% less than men do,” says Linda Babcock, co-author of Women Don’t Ask.

“When you’re going for a raise, stick to facts. Rather than: ‘I’m the best manager the company has ever had,’ try concrete examples like: ‘I’ve doubled sales over the past year.’”

Stop apologising: “Women in particular have a tendency to qualify their emails with hesitant words such as ‘just or ‘sorry’, undermining their ideas,” says Amy.

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Download Gmail plug-in Just Not Sorry which will highlight your uncertain language

“Studies by the University of Waterloo in Ontario found that while men are as willing as women to apologise, they had a higher threshold for what they felt they needed to apologise for.”

Download the Gmail plug-in Just Not Sorry, which highlights when you use uncertain language – it’s like a spell check for sorries.

Be a movie star: “Film yourself giving a presentation or talking for two minutes,” says charisma coach Richard Reid.

“Watch it back and look at your body language – are you fidgeting or do you seem relaxed and in control?

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Film yourself talking for two minutes so you can watch your body language

“Listen out for filler words such as ‘so’, ‘um’ and ‘like’ as these dilute your message and make you seem uncertain.

“Try again and if you want to say ‘um’, visualise a full stop and take a breath. Silence is powerful and short sentences are easier for a listener.”

Social scene

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It’s important to remember that even confident people find socialising hard sometimes

We’d all love to be able to work the room, chatting away with ease.

But what if you’re hovering by the door and on your phone because, actually, small talk gives you big fear?

Get grounded: “The important thing to remember about social situations is that even confident people find them hard,” says Viv.

“Stand with your shoulders back, chest forward, feet hip-width apart with your bodyweight evenly across the soles of your feet. This looks relaxed and warm, and the effort of doing it is a nice distraction.”

Be yourself: “Build trust,” says Jenn Granneman, author of The Secret Lives Of Introverts and founder of Introvertdear.com.

“At a party or event, try: ‘These heels are killing me.’ A small confession can spark conversation.”

All ears: “If you feel nervous, focus on others,” says Richard.

“A lot of people think they’re a good listener, but are often quick to rush in and empathise or put words in the speaker’s mouth, eg: ‘You must be really excited about that.’

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Remember a good conversation unfolds slowly, don’t always speak in short, sharp responses

“Try leaving a pause and see what happens.

“When we communicate on digital devices, we expect short, sharp responses, whereas a good conversation unfolds slowly.”

Heart yourself

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If you’re on a date, it’s better to express gratitude for your success instead of rattling off achievements

It is normal to talk positively about yourself on a date, but self-belief can also decide how successful you are once you’re in love. A study found confidence was one of the top traits people were looking for in a potential partner.

But how do you come across as charismatic and sexy, as opposed to arrogant and boastful?

Focus on the journey: “In a relationship or on a date, don’t just rattle off achievements,” says Amy.

“Instead, emphasise the effort you put in to get where you are and why the steps you’ve taken are important. Express gratitude for your success and don’t gloss over setbacks. We find stories of overcoming adversity very attractive – think of Steve Jobs or Oprah.”

Shake on it: “Charismatic people take up the right amount of space in a room,” says Richard. “We’re hardwired to be attracted to strength, but if someone’s too dominating we feel threatened. Think of a handshake that’s not too firm or floppy – the same goes for body language. Don’t slump, legs crossed, arms folded.

Use softer, expressive hand movements such as open palms and gestures to bring someone into your world.

Stay true: “It’s common when we want someone to like us to slip into preformative mode,” explains Amy. “While

it’s natural to want to present the best version of yourself, don’t change who you are. And know that if things don’t work out, there wasn’t something wrong with you – learn from it and move on.”

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A special video by popular dating coach Mat Boggs with special wishes to all the women this Christmas. Share the love!

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Artwork that will win your heart and fill your Insta feed with colours on visual artist Rithika Merchant (@rithikamerchant)’s account.

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Finding the passion and purpose in your life is a trial-by-fire process. You don’t simply wake up one day and become happy doing one thing forever and ever. It’s a constant work-in-progress.

— Mark Manson (@IAmMarkManson) 19 December 2018

Sunday gyaan on The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F***k author Mark Manson’s Twitter profile for some last-minute advice for the new year

From HT Brunch, December 30, 2018

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First Published: Dec 29, 2018 22:20 IST

The King of Romance, Shah Rukh Khan, who has made ladies swoon over him for years through his dimpled cheeks and outstretched arm does not want his daughter to fall for someone else in a similar manner. The ‘Zero’ actor, while giving an interview to The Indian Express said that he has advised his daughter Suhana to stay away from boys who behave as he does in his romantic movies.

Advising Suhana, Shah Rukh said that if she ever meets like a lover boy Rahul, the quintessential loverboy that he has so often played on silver screen, he would rather have her ‘kick him in the shins’.

SRK is quoted by the daily as saying, “What is the essence of romance? To make somebody feel it at a particular moment in time. Personally, I’m not like that. If I stood with my arms open and sang a song in front of my wife, probably she’d throw me out of the house. I told my daughter, that if a guy meets you and says, ‘Rahul, naam toh suna hoga’, he’s a stalker. If a boy looks at you across a room at a party and says, ‘Aur paas, aur paas’, go kick him in the shins. But in the film, if I’m able to activate an element of innocence and make it attractive, the role gets reinvented by itself.”

Unlike careless father, Shah Rukh Khan has confessed that he is a paranoid father who takes extra care of his children. Isn’t he a protective father?

A few weeks ago, Dilwale actor took to his social media handle as he had a piece of special news to share. Suhana had performed as Juliet in a play in London, where she is currently studying. After watching the play, Daddy Khan couldn’t help but shower up with praises.

He even commended the entire team for the exceptional work. “With my Juliet in London. What a wonderful experience and exceptional performances by the whole cast. Congratulations to the whole team,” he wrote.

SRK’s latest movie ‘Zero’ released last Friday and could not perform well at the ticket window. The film was made on a budget of Rs 200 crore, it could not even manage to earn Rs 100 crore in its first week.

Also read: Watch: Kids Dancing on Salman Khan’s 53rd birthday are too cute to handle!