Relationships Talk

Before he gets his Christmas present from his girlfriend, he figured he’d almost certainly get some advice from her.

Likely it would be a postgame text getting right to the point:

“Work on your free throws.”

Then again Josh Cunningham’s romantic interest isn’t just someone watching basketball from the stands.

She’s roundball royalty.

A’ja Wilson, the 6-foot-4 power forward for the Las Vegas Aces, was the WNBA’s Rookie of the Year this season.

She was the No. 1 player taken in the WNBA draft last April after a career at South Carolina where she was the National Player of Year as a senior, led the Gamecocks to their first ever NCAA crown as a junior and was a three-time first team All American who scored 2,389 points in her college career.

Before that she was national high school player of the year.

Until a recent injury, she was playing this offseason for the Shaanxi Red Wolves in China. Now back home she’s become the first women’s pro player ever to join her NBA counterparts and sign a lucrative endorsement deal with Mountain Dew.

And Saturday – just before the Dayton Flyers were to tip off against Presbyterian at UD Arena – she finished up a Nike photo shoot in San Francisco and was headed to the airport and a flight back home to Columbia, South Carolina.

Yet, even with all that, Cunningham, UD’s 6-foot-7 redshirt senior captain, knew what was coming.

“I figure I’ll hear something from her about that,” he said as he stood outside the locker room immediately after the Flyers’ 81-69 victory.

For him, it had been an untypical game. The team’s leading scorer (16.2 points per game) and second-leading rebounder (6.1 per game), he had finished with just five points and three boards.

Unfortunately what had been typical — at least to the early part of the season when he was under 50 percent – had been a pair of second-half misfires from the free throw line.

After the first one, which he seemed to know was no good from the time it left his hand – he took a couple of quick steps toward the basket as if to pull it back before it clanked off the rim. He then missed his second attempt.

Out in San Francisco, as she was making her way to her gate, Wilson talked about her relationship with Cunningham and the free throw advice she’d given him in the past.

“He’s probably tired of hearing it from me,” she laughed. “But that’s the hard part of having a girlfriend who’s a basketball player too.”

At South Carolina she played for Dawn Staley. And when the UD team visited the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, Massachusetts on its trip to Connecticut to play Tulsa last Sunday, Cunningham found a photo of Staley there and posted it to social media.

He said Staley saw it and promptly messaged back: “They have a gym in there. Go practice your free throws.”

He laughed at the needling:

“Yeah and I did go to the gym there and shoot some free throws.”

Wednesday night he went 8 for 8 from the stripe against Western Michigan.

Wilson knows her former coach and teammates are following Cunningham’s season this year.

“When you’re a close team, they know who you’re dating and everything like that,” she said. “And people think they know Josh because they know me. So yeah, I know they’ve been on him and he’s been getting better.”

The UD players all know Wilson, who has visited several times, Cunningham said, and seen three Flyers games in person over the last two season, including the Purdue-Fort Wayne game at UD Arena in early November.

“Yeah they’re always joking that she’d beat me one on one,” he said.

They’ve never played against each other he said. Because of their own basketball careers, they see so little of each other in person that they’re not going to spend a chunk of that time on the basketball court together.

“We’re very relaxed people and we don’t do much,” Cunningham said. “We’ll go eat. We’ll watch movies at home and if we both agree, we might go bowling or see a movie out.”

Junior guard Trey Landers is one of Cunningham’s best friends. “They kind of act the same really,” he said. “They’re both real good people. It’s not a surprise they’re together.”

Cunningham said when he was being recruited to South Carolina out of his high school in Chicago, he got a message from Wilson, who was being wooed by the Gamecocks’ women’s team.

He said she wanted him to consider South Carolina. “When you’re going to be freshmen coming in, you just want to make the class as strong as it can be,” he shrugged.

She said she reached out to him, not only to get him to consider the school, but “just to find out a little bit about who he was.”

Now makes her laugh: “Josh is a man of few words though. So as we messaged back and forth and there were some awkward moments.”

While she went to South Carolina, he first went to Bradley, then transferred to Dayton, sat out a year to meet NCAA transfer requirement and then missed most of a second season with a severe ankle injury.

The pair continued to message each other now and then and last year Cunningham said: “We finally started to realized we have a lot in common.”

Wilson agreed: “We have soooo much in common – even our birthdays. Mine is August 8th and his is the 11th.”

They began to date last season and the bond has remained strong, even though they are both entrenched in their own careers right now.

“Look I can’t tell you how many people I meet in a day, how many people I run into and talk to,” she said. “But there’s just something about Josh. It’s his personality and who he is as a man that I just really enjoy. I enjoy having him as a boyfriend.”

Cunningham – raised by his mother, LaTanya – has shown he knows how to treat people since the day he stepped on the UD campus. That’s why he’s been voted a three-time captain of the Flyers.

And in Wilson he sees something special, as well: “She’s just a great person. She very understanding – just a great girl.”

He’s seen her play in WNBA games in Chicago and Indianapolis and been to three games in Las Vegas, he said.

“We really, really FaceTime a lot,” she said. “We’re on the phone all the time and we text all the time, too. The only difference is that I’m not ‘seeing’ him in person. But we‘re finding a way to make it work.

“I’m definitely living my fifth year of college through Josh now. He’s in a great situation. The people really support basketball there. I’m just so proud of him and Dayton, as well.”

She said she’s seen about every UD game via the Internet.

And with that she excused herself: “I’m trying to get to the gate so I can pull up his game on my phone. And I just got off the phone with my mom back home. She’s set it up to tape it. I won’t miss a thing.”

And that’s why, as he stood outside the locker room afterward, he was sure he would get that postgame message:

“Work on your free throws.”

Us

When Daniela Castillo was planning a recent vacation to Mexico City, she opened her Tinder app.

She wasn’t looking for a romantic date at Chapultepec Castle, or even a quick hookup while in town.

She wanted travel advice.

Like other solo travelers, Castillo, 27, who writes a travel blog, has increasingly found dating apps like Tinder and Bumble a convenient way to meet locals, see the sights and get recommendations on where to eat and where to go when visiting an unfamiliar destination.

There are the obvious risks.

“You need to make very clear from the beginning what you are looking for,” she said. “Most people do want the romantic aspect, so it is hard and takes a bit of time to find the profile of someone who is OK being friends.”

Dating apps can be an interesting way to learn about local culture, said Craig Johnson, who works for a real estate company in Seattle.

“You’re looking at the city through the lens of its dating pool and how people describe themselves,” he said.

He uses Tinder and Bumble when he travels abroad. Johnson said he was interested in connecting with people from other countries.

Link Salas, the creative director for a small technology company in New York, said he used Grindr, a social networking app for gay, bisexual and transgender men, to learn about the places he’s traveling to and to meet men there.

“I change my profile to say I am in town and looking for someone to show me around,” he said. “Some guys suggest a gay neighborhood to check out or a club,” he said.

Some offer to meet in person.

“The way you phrase your paragraph affects the responses you get,” he added.

The gay dating app Scruff recently started a service, Scruff Venture, in which travelers can search more than 500 destinations, and then contact local “venture ambassadors” for advice on where to go and what to do.

While many solo travelers may indeed be single, and thus potentially open to romantic encounters, others are on their own because their spouses or partners are back at home, unable to make this trip. That’s one factor that in 2016 led the dating site Bumble to expand its offerings to friendship (Bumble BFF) and, in 2017, to work-related connections (Bumble Bizz).

Jess Carbino, a sociologist working for Bumble, said the company’s research showed that more of its users were using the app to meet local residents when traveling solo.

“People in their 20s and 30s are in different places in their lives, so it can be hard to find someone to travel with,” she said.

Personal safety is always a concern for solo vacationers.

“When you don’t know the area and don’t have friends there, it’s even more important to be cautious,” Castillo said.

She said she always shares with a close friend the name and phone number of the person she is going to meet, where they are going and when she expects to be back at her hotel.

Other dating app users say they stay safe when meeting strangers abroad by meeting during daylight hours, in busy parts of town, or in places that do not serve alcohol.

They state clearly their intent is platonic.

If someone tries to push past these parameters online or in person, they advise cutting off the interaction.

Sharing your location with a friend is another precaution.

Grindr, Bumble and Tinder supply advice on staying safe when meeting strangers.

To dissuade people from creating false identities that could be used for nefarious purposes, Bumble moderators ask people setting up new accounts to follow a set of prompts on camera, to ensure they are submitting an authentic photo for their profile and not copying an image from the internet.

Emily Wright, a company spokeswoman, said reports of inappropriate actions are dealt with “swiftly and seriously,” and users who break the code of conduct can be banned from the app.

While some travelers may not be looking for romance, sometimes, it just happens.

In 2016, Castillo met a man through Tinder while she was traveling through Europe and ended up in an 18-month relationship with him.

“I guess it’s not the most romantic app in the world,” she said, “but it does bring you some interesting possibilities and the opportunity to meet people you would have never met otherwise.”

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Introverts are generally thought of as quiet and reserved people who don’t like to party. Although this might be true for some introverts, or just occasionally true for others, introverts have a variety of qualities that go deeper into the realm of psychology. Whether you’re an introvert, an extrovert or a mix of both, this guide will help you if you ever find yourself in a relationship with a strict introvert.

Now, aside from being someone who isn’t loud and outgoing, introverts do like have fun and spend time with family and friends. However, not every introvert is the same, so depending on the person you’re dating, they might have different opinions on the following tips. It’s important to talk to your partner to understand their feelings and thoughts before jumping to the conclusion that they’ll feel the same way about every one of these guidelines. Some will agree to many, though, and if they do, read up on these tips for dating an introvert.

1. Don’t force them to go out.

Plans, plan, plans — not for introverts. Frequently going out can make an introvert tired and want more time alone. They prefer to be busy at times and go out occasionally, but unlike extroverts, they’re not wild or in need of plans every day.

Other responsibilities, like school or work, might take up a significant amount of their time, which would leave them drained by the end of the day. Plans after work aren’t generally on the calendar of an introvert, so if they don’t want to meet you for dinner one night, it’s probably because they’ve already done too much for the day. Try again on the weekend.

2. Give them their much-needed alone time.

Yes, sometimes that means from you too. Although your partner loves you, social interaction with others, including you, can be a bit draining, both mentally and physically. Introverts need time to relax by themselves and enjoy their own hobbies independently.

They still need you, family and friends in their life, but they also need proper alone time like anyone else. The nonstop socializing is definitely not a pastime introverts care to partake in — with or without you.

3. Know that they have a time limit.

By time limit, I mean the time it takes before an introvert taps out for the day or night. Every introvert will have their own limit, whether it’s three hours, seven hours or the entire day but then a week in hiding.

Picture this: You and your introverted partner are out for a day of fun, and a few hours go by. Well, by that time, they might have reached their limit for how long they can spend with others. Don’t take it personally; it’s not that they aren’t having fun, they just need time to recharge for the next adventure. Understanding this is key to making the relationship work.

4. Don’t constantly remind them about how much you love them.

While some might not agree with this statement, others will. When going out with an introvert, you might feel as though they need a constant reminder of how wonderful they are — they don’t. Of course, it’s nice to hear how much you love them, but sometimes the attention can become bothersome to an introvert.

They might feel as though you think they think negatively of themselves, when in reality, it has nothing to do with a negative self-view but more to do with simply being introverted and not always focusing on the self. For once, you don’t need to give your partner the constant attention that many people desire from a lover.

5. Don’t assume that they have social anxiety.

While some introverts can seem like they have social anxiety or generalized anxiety disorder, not all introverts do. They might not want to go out and socialize all the time, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to because they get nervous around others — most likely, they easily get mentally shattered when socializing.

Instead of constantly talking to others in a social setting, they need time for themselves. In the party setting, introverts can easily become exhausted and need a break from the social interaction, and anxiety generally does not take part in any of it.

6. A quiet night in can make the perfect date.

Sure, introverts need their alone time, but some quiet time with you can be nice too. A laid-back date, like cuddling and watching movies, can keep an introvert happy. Simply being with you can make an introvert content, even if all you do is sit in silence and enjoy each other’s presence.

As long as they don’t need to go out for every date to make you happy, then you both can enjoy the peaceful date.

7. Don’t misinterpret their introversion as disrespect.

Just like people can mistake a shy person as being rude, people can misinterpret an introvert’s reserved personality as being disrespectful. Of course, this is not an introvert’s intention, and in reality, they’re probably a really nice person. They just don’t always feel like talking or participating in group activities.

When you don’t understand the needs of an introvert, they might become a bit agitated and can even come off as rude, but they just want you to know they need space at times and don’t always want to be around others.

8. Even though they enjoy their alone time, don’t forget that they love you.

It seems like introverts might be better off by themselves with all the space they need, doesn’t it? Well, not exactly. While they cherish their alone time, they still enjoy the company of others on days they’re energized.

If your partner says they want to relax by themselves, they aren’t saying they don’t love you anymore or don’t like being around you. Introverts just enjoy quiet time alone too. Space and time are the two qualities you need to accept of your introverted partner.

This Week in Family

In 2013, the dating app Tinder became available to all smartphone users. Five years later, it’s clear that the app has changed how a generation of Americans approach dating and courtship, says the Atlantic staff writer Ashley Fetters. “Meanwhile, the underlying challenges—the loneliness, the boredom, the roller coaster of hope and disappointment—of being ‘single and looking,’ or single and looking for something, haven’t gone away,” she writes. “They’ve simply changed shape.”

About a quarter of American households own a “smart speaker” like the Amazon Echo or Google Home, and in the not-too-distant future, a whole host of devices and appliances—from coffee makers to doorbells to toasters—could be connected to the internet. The Atlantic staff writer Joe Pinsker questions what could happen to all the data that companies will accumulate about domestic life, and how these devices ultimately shape people’s behavior.

Highlights

Weighted blankets have been used for decades in special-needs communities, but recently they’ve become a trendy must-have for the Instagram-shopping masses. The popularization of these blankets in recent years may have something to do with a rise in feelings of anxiety in the United States, writes Ashley Fetters.

Millennials have been accused of killing all sorts of American staples, from cars to cereal to cruises. Yet, as the Atlantic staff writer Alia Wong says, there’s one old-fashioned hallmark that younger Americans are sustaining: family holiday cards. Even while snail mail is on the decline, greeting cards have bucked the trend.

Dear Therapist

Every Monday, the psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb answers readers’ questions about life’s trials and tribulations, big or small, in The Atlantic’s “Dear Therapist” column.

This week, a reader wonders why their sister has stopped giving Christmas gifts to their two children. The reader isn’t necessarily upset about the lack of gifts, but wants to know what could have prompted the change.

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Lori’s advice: Focus on your relationship with your sister, not on the gifts:

“Perhaps there’s something in your history together that has made you reluctant to simply ask her what’s up in the same way that you so clearly and compassionately expressed your question here—that the gifts don’t matter, you just want to make sure everything’s okay between the two of you.”

Read the rest, and send Lori your questions at dear.therapist@theatlantic.com.