I had only been living inside the Beltway for about a year when “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” a book by Josh Harris, a 23-year-old pastoral intern at Covenant Life, a local megachurch in the Maryland suburbs.
I had just turned 40, so knew enough about the dating world to know that much of what he was advising –- such as not kissing your mate until the day you get married –- was pure bosh and unworkable in any healthy Christian or secular relationship. But –- darn –- if that book didn’t become a bestseller pretty quickly, sparking all sorts of angst among Christian 20-somethings who wanted to meet their intended the right way.
Harris’ book sold more than a million copies and he followed up with a few other books; none as successful as the first, which hit the zeitgeist just right. He was a quick learner and he hopscotched over several men older than he to become senior pastor in 2004. The guy definitely knew how to work the system, plus he was a protégé of one of the founding pastors, C. J. Mahaney.
Years later, he resigned from the megachurch and moved to Vancouver, B.C. to attend Regent College. Covenant Life underwent wrenching changes, as described in this Washingtonian investigation.
His family liked Canada so much, they’ve applied to become permanent residents. Harris, who seems to have left the professional religious world for good in that he’s started a marketing and strategy business, is also doing a mea culpa about his once-best-selling book.
The story has been been trickling out for some time now and I’m surprised more religion reporters haven’t jumped on it. He got mentioned yesterday in a Religion News Service column by Cathleen Falsani about the purity movement.
Among (its detractors) is Joshua Harris, author of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye: A New Attitude Toward Romance and Relationships,” the 1997 book that became the de facto bible of the purity movement. Last month, Harris apologized for the harm the book had caused and asked his publisher to cease printing it.
Now 43, Harris wrote the book when he was 21 and it was published a year before he got married. The book has sold more than 1.2 million copies to date.
Harris’ disavowal of his own best-seller is chronicled in the documentary film “I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” released in late November. In it, the author has face-to-face conversations, many of them difficult, with his critics…
Whether intentional or not, in some evangelical and fundamentalist circles, Harris’ book was treated like holy writ. He wasn’t the only one writing about or espousing such extreme teachings about chastity, abstinence and “purity,” but because of the book’s success, he became the ersatz poster child for a movement.
I’m surprised more people haven’t tackled the Harris angle as a news story, as he was one of the most successful purveyors of this movement. I found a few mentions of his turnabout in Mother Jones,Slate and NPR. The latter two pieces came out in 2016, two years before Harris’s new documentary.
At the same time, I find it beyond annoying that Harris is hyping his change of heart as much as possible, putting out a press release about discontinuing publication of the book (after 20 years in print, so it couldn’t been bringing in a ton of royalties at this point). But he’s also pulling two of his other books from circulation; again, neither of them are all that recent, so we’re probably not talking a huge drop in income here.
Still, repentance is more a matter of not making money on your previous mistakes and sins, so the PR campaign is annoying. But it is also a good story. So is the story of how a conservative evangelical moves to liberal, much more secularized western Canada and likes it there enough to make a home there. (Of course, Vancouver is a gorgeous place in which to live and it’s not far from his native Oregon.)
As a once-avatar of the purity movement, Harris is at least offering some reflection on the whole thing, a switch from some of the real hit pieces out there.
When covering this, writers must draw a distinction between 2,000 years of Christian teaching that limits sexual expression to heterosexual marriage and a movement that set additional boundaries on how couples should move from courtship into marriage. They’re not the same.
I think it speaks to Harris’s newfound marketing know how that he published his second thoughts via video instead of through another book. Not all 40-somethings who were affected by his book are wedded to YouTube.
“What if you gave millions of people the wrong advice?” he asks. Hopefully more reporters can help him answer that question.
Charles Barkley’s takes on just about anything — from underwear to actual NBA things — are almost always entertaining. So it’s hardly surprising that his dating advice to one basketball fan was hilarious too.
Looking for some help regarding Christmas presents, one guy asked the Inside the NBA team for some direction about what to get his girlfriend:
“Dear Inside, I’ve been dating this girl for about three weeks, Christmas is coming up soon, is it too soon to get her a present? If not, what should I get her?”
Oh, did they have some thoughts.
Should you get your recent girlfriend a Christmas gift? Is it acceptable for guys to wear skinny jeans? 🤔
Here’s how they each responded to the first advice question, with Barkley suggesting “some type of outfit or something” as a possible option.
Barkley: Three weeks? Dude, you gotta get her something for Christmas. Flowers, some type of outfit or something, but you gotta get her something. You cannot date a girl for three weeks and not get her anything for Christmas. Come on, man!
Kenny Smith: You cheap, no good snake in the grass! You just don’t want to give a gift because you don’t want to spend the money. Christmas is not about who I choose to or not. It’s about giving! Give to anyone, anyone you care about! You just cheap. I get it. Don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk.
Kevin Garnett: My advice to you is yes, do not give her a gift. It’s too soon, three weeks. Yeah, don’t give her a gift and then see how she reacts to that, and that’s who she really is.
Ernie Johnson: Look, you’ve come to an older guy, who has a lot of worldly experience, and so here’s what my advice would be: I think y’all need to break up. And then right after New Year’s, say you’re sorry and get back together. You dodge the whole present thing.
We’re Team Kenny and Chuck on this one because even the smallest gesture can show someone you care about them.
While the divorce rate in America has fluctuated between 40% and 50% over the last few decades, research shows that it’s becoming less common among young adults. However, gray divorce — older couples divorcing after long-term marriages — is actually on the rise. The divorce rate has doubled among U.S. adults over the age of 50 since the 1990s.
Melody Brooke tries to help married couples work through their problems before they lead to divorce.
“I’m seeing a lot of affairs. What seems to happen with social media is that people have far more access to other people,” she said. “Your partner doesn’t know all the interactions you’re having, so it’s a door that’s easy to open. Even if you don’t really intend it, it can offer inroads where you don’t expect them, leading to emotional or romantic affairs.”
It’s a topic that comes up often in her private practice, but Melody focuses on the idea that couples can work through the issues at the root of problems and find common ground instead of getting divorced.
Melody said she’s found that any time a person has stepped outside of a relationship to find love, there’s a void they’re looking to fill. The goal of couples therapy is to identify where the emotional or relationship void is and determine a method for filling it.
“If you can address what the emotional or relationship void is, you can sort it out and say, ‘OK, let’s look at the precursor and why you went that route instead of addressing it with your partner and sort through it from there,’” she said.
Helping Married Clients Reconsider Getting a Divorce
Melody said she frequently meets with couples who have worked with other therapists who have told them they’re a lost cause. However, she believes that no couple is irredeemable. Sometimes, couples can turn a corner just by reading her book, aptly titled, “Oh, Wow, This Changes Everything!”
“It’s shifting your thinking about what is happening between you. Once you do that, it can change how you perceive what is going on,” she said. “I’ve had some awesome experiences with people who have anxiety or OCD. Because, many times, that is driven by negative self-talk, and they don’t understand how to shift their belief system about themselves.”
Melody helps people in her Carrollton, Texas, offices and around the world through her books.
According to Melody, how we’re raised is how we end up treating ourselves. If someone is raised in an environment where they are made to feel inadequate, they typically grow up with pre-set ideas, and they treat themselves like that the rest of their lives.
The goal of working with a therapist is to change the way you approach your life — either by changing the way you think of yourself or your approach to romantic relationships.
“It’s important to get help and sort out what happened so you can make a different choice and enter the next relationship in a different place, mentally,” she said. “That is important because you see people divorcing, remarrying, and divorcing again and making the same mistake every time. If they could find their center and their value as a human being, they can make better choices and have a more satisfying life.”
Navigating the Online Dating Scene Often Requires Guidance
Social media has proven to be what Melody calls a “constant threat” to dating and relationships — and not just because it presents an opportunity for cheating, she explained. Sometimes, the problem is when one spouse is on social media all the time.
“That, by itself, creates distance in the relationship because it builds a wall up where you’re sitting in the same room, but you’re on Facebook and some kind of social media interaction platform and not interacting with your partner,” she said. “It’s easy to get sucked into it because it’s interesting, it’s time-consuming, it can take you out of your feelings, it can be very addictive. That has been something I’ve seen, where it’s come to a point when couples come to see me, it’s the first thing I’ll address because it’s often such a big issue for people.”
Melody recommends that couples make quality time — like at the beginning of dinner or when you first come home from work — a priority. If you want to be engaged on social media, she recommends you share what you’re looking at with your loved one so they can feel included.
If a relationship has failed, a client can come to Melody as newly single and get help to navigate the current dating scene.
“A lot of times, it’s been 20 or 30 years since they’ve been out there and things have changed an awful lot since then. I help them navigate this new world,” she said. “A lot of dating sites are filled with people trying to get money from you somehow. When people are hurting after a separation or lonely after being together with someone for a long time, they can be vulnerable to somebody who seems to connect with them emotionally and then suddenly says, ‘I’m having a rough spot can you help me out?’”
Melody helps those clients prepare for that, because, while a situation may look attractive on the surface, that doesn’t mean you should hand out money.
In the Future: More Retreats for Couples and Mature Women
Continuing her mission to help couples avoid divorce and reconnect, Melody recently held a successful couples retreat and plans to hold the one-day event every other month. These experiential workshops start with a warmup to get relaxed and comfortable before she introduces concepts from her educational models. Individual couples then take part in exercises that help integrate the ideas into the day-to-day lives.
“People can come in and completely shift how they experience their relationships,” she said. “I go through the model with them, but then I give them experiential processes through which they can experience the difference.”
In March 2019, she plans to host a new workshop called “Dancing with Flow: Designing the Second Half of Your Life.” It’s for older women who are finding themselves searching for the meaning of the next phase of life.
“Part of what I want to do is help people find their joy and find something in their life that gives them meaning.” — Melody Brooke, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
“I’m in that place myself. My kids are grown, and my parents are gone. I feel like I have a life that’s meaningful, but I talk to a lot of women who are going through a transition and don’t know what they want out of their lives,” Melody said.
Helping others find meaning in their lives motivates Melody, who loves what she’s doing. She said she’s particularly lucky because she’s seen so many people go to work every day at jobs that don’t bring them any satisfaction.
“Part of what I want to do is help people find their joy and find something in their life that gives them meaning,” she said. “Because meaning is far more important than happiness. Meaning gives you satisfaction, and when you look back at the end of your life, that’s what is more significant for you. I feel like my job has a lot of meaning.”
The world of dating can be rather confusing. We’ve all been there – you’re standing in front of a mirror in the clothes you’ve picked out for that special night days ago, but now it just doesn’t seem right. So you change. Three more times. And then you’re late. Choosing the right place and activity for the first date can turn out to be quite a conundrum. So many options, but what would your date love the most? Where would you feel most comfortable? So many questions and so little time. Just remember, not panicking is the first step to a successful and a memorable night out.
img source: centrefashion.blogspot.com
Let’s start with choosing the right clothes. It’s a good idea to start with the outfit you’ve been most complimented on. Also, comfort is really important, you don’t want to fidget with your clothes all night since you will have more important things on your mind. Also, location matters. Are you going to a cinema or a nightclub? Fancy restaurant maybe? You don’t want to wear a glamorous dress to a cinema just as you don’t want to show up wearing sweatpants to a dinner in a restaurant. Think about where you’ll spend most of your night and base your decision on that. Oh, also, if it’s colder, be sure to wear something a bit warmer – you never know if a late night walk is in the game and you don’t want to spoil the night by insisting you go inside because you’re freezing. Another advice is to accentuate the things you love the most about yourself. If you have great arms, wear a strapless dress. If you’re proud of your legs, wear a shorter skirt. However, too much skin can, more often than not, be a turn off so pay attention to that as you do not want to be too hot for the first date.
img source: prettylittlething.com
Guys, start with your hair and beard. Those are the first things people notice about you. Shaving, trimming or styling the beard or hair takes up most of your time. The not-to-casual and not-to-glamorous rule applies to you as well. Plan ahead and ask your friends for advice. Your buddies know best what looks good on you and can make the decision making process a lot faster.
img source: infoaging.org
When it comes to choosing the activity and a place for the date, there really aren’t many rules. If your date said, they would love to see “that cool new movie,” or go to a particular concert, simply surprise them with the tickets. Choose something you both like doing. Maybe it’s going to the theater, maybe it’s simply walking all night. Working out together can be a surprisingly fun and romantic activity. Running and sweating side by side, what’s more exciting?
img source: pinterest.com
If you enjoy being around animals, go to a zoo or an aquarium. Places like that rarely leave room for awkward silence. Bars are often a good choice since they give you a chance just to sit and focus on each other. In that case, make sure you pick out a quieter place where you can talk peacefully without having to scream in each other faces.
